Transcript: Episode 280
280: Autism and Trauma
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Welcome to the System Speak podcast. If you would like to support our efforts at sharing our story, fighting stigma about Dissociative Identity Disorder, and educating the community and the world about trauma, please go to our website at www.systemspeak.org, and there is a button for donations where you can offer a one time donation to support the podcast or become an ongoing subscriber. We so appreciate the support, the positive feedback, and you sharing our podcast with others. We are all learning together. Thank you.
[Note: Child voice is in italics]
Hi, buddy. Mama! Hi, sweet boy. How are you? Good. You look so much better. [Laugher] That’s good. Oh, thank you. Thanks for zooming me. I'm sorry, I miss you so much. Um, I was just really worn out. And so Papa thought it would be good for me to take this break. And it has been good. But I miss you with all my heart and I'm so excited to come home. Look at that smile. Oh, sweet boy. So here's the thing. And if you don't want to, it's totally okay. But one of the things I did this week was catch up on all my projects, right? Because I had no interruptions so I could sleep and I could do all the extra things. So that when I come home, I just have my normal work and you guys right? Because Papa's gonna have to go back to grandma and grandad's. Yeah.
So, one of the things, one of the things on my list, though, is that you had asked to do a podcast and have a conversation about your idea. And about the boxes. Do you remember that? Yeah. I still remember it. Okay, good. Because, I thought we tried for several weeks to do it but there was so much happening we just couldn't get it done. I know. And so I thought maybe it would be easier to do it while I'm here. Even if we have to do it over zoom. Because that way we won't get interrupted. That’s fine with me. Yeah. I, I think you found a good spot for me. The closet is nice and quiet. Isn't that funny? Do you know why podcasts are in the closet? Because it's not too big. So it doesn't make as much sound come out on your voice. And it doesn't bounce around and make so much noise. It just, it doesn't even echo. Just you can just talk. Yeah, Papa says it has better sound. That's why I always go to the closet for interviews. Isn't that funny? Yeah. No, I don't think it's funny.
Well, here's what's crazy: Today you are my interview. I think that's grand. So here's what is wild. You have been helping me with a podcast for almost four years. I have? Isn't that wild? You were eight years old, almost nine years old, when we started. Woah. Yes. And now you're 12 and a half. Wait. 12 and a half? Uh huh. Nice. Did you know that? [Child laughter] You’re going to be 13 this fall. What do you think of that? I think it's good. I’m gonna be a teenager. Are you excited? Yeah. I've actually been doing very good on my hygiene, on my own. I have deodorant actually. Oh, good. Which is good because I'm catching up. That's great. It takes practice, doesn't it? Do you know sometimes that's actually really important even for the podcast, Alex? Because, did you know sometimes when people have a lot of big feelings it can be hard for them to do things like get out of bed or take their shower, put on deodorant or brush their teeth. So you're being a really good example.
I mean, um, did you hear about the water thing? Tell me about the water thing. You would be surprised. Um, so I was going to bed and then my entire bed was wet. My blankets were wet my pillows were wet. My, my entire sheet was wet. What happened that night. And then I figured out that it was not before Barrett was in there watching a movie. I got to watch a movie with Papa for the first time and I behaved myself. Good for you Mr. Grown Up!
Have you ever heard of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Oh, my goodness. Did Papa show you that? It was so funny. Did you have discussions about it as you went? Uh huh. We had very good discussions. And I mostly hid when the girl came, because [ugh sound]. She's not very modest, was she. [Laughter] Nah. Oh, my goodness, I can't believe he showed you that. What were some of the discussions you had? Well, we did, he showed us a cartoon about the similar girl and above the wolf whistle. Oh. And they did that a lot. And so that's what we talked about before we started. And then, Roger Rabbit, I thought he was just playing with the, trying to keep the baby and there was a woman who owned Roger Rabbit, but I was wrong. They were just doing an acting. Because Papa was like, “You will not understand this.” And I did not.
So when you all talk about that, and why it means that, and what that's like, did you decide that it's a good idea or a bad idea to wolf whistle? Bad idea. Very bad idea. How come? It's just not polite. Like, you see a girl and then you just [whistle] which is not okay. Yeah. You’re not supposed to do that. It's part of being respectful of their bodies and who they are that's not just their bodies, right? Like, we're spirits, too. And we have all those parts inside and all the different aspects of who we are not just our bodies.
Yeah. So then I slept on the couch that night because of the water spill. But then in the morning, we had a talk about it. And so, um, we talked about it, and we did a vote, and then someone had said “yes”. But then before we did that, we didn't, we didn't know who but Papa suspected it was that person because they said the truth the first time. But then, Um.
Wait, are you saying someone pranked you by pouring water all over your bed? While you were watching a movie? That's what Papa thinks. I don't know for sure. Um, so, but, while Barret was watching a movie, it was before that, because when Barrett sat on the bed, it was wet. But then I got a little angry and frustrated for him not coming down and telling Papa before we started the movie. Because then I went to bed not even knowing about that. And then I had to sleep on the couch because of that. We could have washed, washed it while we were watching a movie. Then while Papa was making his breakfast and we stopped, um, I could have just moved it over and then have it ready for tonight.
So two things that I heard in that. Number one, I heard you share your feelings. So thank you for that—putting your feelings in words. That was so good. I heard you say you were angry and frustrated. And two, I think you and I especially, I'm sure everybody, but I know especially you and I like to be feeling safe and cozy and comfortable when we go to bed. And so, if that had happened to me, I would have been angry and frustrated too. It would not have been funny to me either. I'm really sorry that happened, sweetie. I was not pleased at all. So here's something that's happened in our family is that we don't have little kids anymore. We have one little kid. We used to have six little kids now we have one little kid. And one thing that has happened developmentally as we have three teenagers and two pre-teens now is that you all have learned about pranks from movies. And so we have had a prank epidemic in our house. It's like a pandemic in our house but of pranks, right?
It started where at Valentine's where people just, they poured candy in me and Avery’s buckets. And we were not happy. No one is happy when your candy’s all over your bucket and everything is out the wrapper because then you’re gonna have to eat it before it goes bad. That's true. That's true. Cause when you open a wrapper, you can't just tie it back up.
So especially with autism, that is excellent social skills for you to be learning. Although it's not fair you learned it the hard way. But for you to be learning the difference between a prank that's funny, and a prank that is mean. That's an example of a mean prank. A prank that is funny is like, um, I don’t know, I can't think of it. Oh, maybe when someone's playing with a, when we're playing with swimsuits and then you sneak up behind someone with the hose and then you spray them. I think that's a funny prank. I don't know. Oh, because they would already be prepared to be wet. Yeah, I don't know if it would be funny to them because they didn't know it was coming. But, I just thought… What was your idea? I thought you'd had something pop up real.
Oh, yeah. One time I did an April Fool's prank where I taped a toy figure, like one of the little figurines, like an army guy or something, but it wasn't an army guy. But you know what I mean? One of our little toy figures. I taped it to the van camera. So it looked like when he was backing up, he was going to run over somebody. [Laughter and child laughter] So there's that. [Child laughter]
So it's interesting, because like watching more grown up movies and older movies, and learning more about social skills or, like, how to treat people and how to not treat people. Things like the wolf whistle or pranks. That's big deal to be learning all this. Like, you're really growing up, buddy.
And I've learned it all, well, the movie was funny, and I learned it through papa. But the bed wet, I learned it the hard way. Like, yeah, uncomfortable night. Because I'm used to sleeping on two mattresses. And then when that has to change, like really quickly, before I even know it’s coming. Yeah. And just sometimes we learn things by talking about them. Oh, that's top down. Remember? That's top down. If you learn it, like when you watch movies and talk about different things with Papa that's top down. But when you got in your bed and it was wet that was bottom up. [Laughter] That wasn’t funny. No, it's not funny to me that you got pranked. It's funny to me that it was a literal bottom up.
And I had to just get my to backup blankets, my winter blankets. I’m very hot. Where did you sleep? I slept on the couch. But, well, also, I had to sleep with my two winter blankets. Because that's all I had. Because all the other summer blankets that were in my bed were just wet. So is it all fixed today? I have two over the treadmill and that like running thing that you use that doesn't turn on. The elliptical? Yeah. And then I put, your grandma Neen blanket that got wet, I just put that on the floor and let dry. So will you be able to sleep in your bed tonight? Yeah, it’s dry now. I just hope they don't do the prank before I go to bed.
It's hard to see. That's the problem with prints that are not funny is it breaks trust, right? It's a violation. And so it will take several nights to feel safe in your bed again, if people were doing that. Which I think is how like Mary was feeling with people walking in her room. Like she just wanted to feel safe in her room. It wasn't that anyone was doing anything bad. It was just like “guys stop walking in my room”.
I've done better now on that. Kirk and Mary. Knocking, coming in when told, staying out when not. It's a big thing with adolescents. It's important. Even, even Kirk who's a boy and also my gender. It's still respectful. There you go. Because it's his room in his privacy. I like that. I like that. Good job, buddy. And he's still working on it was Barrett. Still working on it. Did he get his new bed set up yet? We haven't got there yet. Papa has been burned before he can even get their paces and all that. Yeah. Math is really, really killing him. Math is hard. Papa is not a fan of math. It's true. [Laughter] I get adding fractions. And I got three whole pages correct on first try. Good, buddy. Which means that I've learned very good. It's sinking in this time. Hmm? Very well. That's great. I look back on all the pages that I got wrong. And then I look and I realize that's not how many problems I got wrong on last time. And I look at the problems I did get wrong last time before I took my assessment test. And so I put myself at the right pace and now I'm caught up again. Good for you. Good for you. Sometimes that's all we need is just like a do-over. That's okay. Yeah. That's how we learn right? And now it's much easier because you've already studied it. It's not like “you're bad, it's over.” It's not.
You know when I see this, you know, that shining light right there up right by the roof? I like to think of it as, um, like when I look up and I don't see the light bulb, I think it's like His glory shining down. Aww. Telling me it’s going to be okay. You need some glory shining down. You know that you're not bad, right? Like you're good because of who you are. Not because of if you do well in math or not.
So on the podcast, we talk about trauma, right? Right. And, we have talked about what trauma means and how different people in our family have been through hard things in different ways. You and I have been through some hard things and some of the same ways and in some different ways. And we've talked about how that helps, like how we use all the parts of ourselves to sort of help deal with that trauma and need to care for all the parts of ourselves to heal from the trauma. And we've talked about that a lot in the past. But a couple weeks ago, you came up to me and told me this whole thing about how your autism brain works, and that we needed to talk about it on the podcast. So can you tell me about that? So tell me what happened for you. How did you figure this out? And what did you figure out?
It was just one day. I was, because I've realized my choices, my choices in the past and how they've affected. You know how I’ve mostly gone to bed during little kid time and big kid time and pre-teen time instead of staying up with Kirk and Mary? I figured that out. Because, why? Because I'm acting like a preteen teen and a big kid and a little kid. Mostly I'm acting like a little kid. Which, which doesn't give me the right to stay up late, because that's my choices I'm making. And that’s the way I’m acting.
I want to interrupt because I want to make sure I understand so far. I'm sorry for interrupting. So you're telling me you were able to connect that what you were experiencing was because of what you had chosen? And you realize, do you want to experience something different? And so you decided to change your choices so that you could have different experiences?
Yeah. Nice, buddy! And so I just came to you. Because first you're my mom, and, um, I need you. I also need you, Papa, don't forget it. We won't forget you, buddy. We love you so much. And so I also came to you because you're a feelings therapist. And, so I thought you’d understand. True story. And so you did.
So tell me about these boxes that you figured out were in your head.
It just clicked one day. I was just playing. And then I was like, “okay,” like I was playing a game where we got to run and I was like, “okay, run.” And then he fell into a box. And then I connect, and then I connected into my brain. And then it just clicked like that. And I was like, and then I put something in it, closed it up and took it back out. It was like, “wait.” And then I thought of putting myself in there. But then I was like, “wait, no, that's not, come on.” I was so close to thinking. I know I needed, I can't, I couldn't put something in it with my hands. I couldn't put myself in it. And then I thought and thought and thought and then I realized I got to put my feelings in it. And then I did that. Well, well my feelings that when I'm done with I just put them on the shelf and take them out when I'm ready. And then all the things, and then like when I miss a teen movie, when I go to bed at preteen time and little kid time. I just take that sad box out and just cry. Like just scream in my pillow and take it off and, and put it back on the shelf and go to sleep.
So what I was understanding that you were sharing was that one of the struggles both with trauma and with autism--which you were getting both—that one of the struggles is that when hard stuff happens, or big feelings happen, or lots of thoughts are going on, like part of what's hard is that it gets overwhelming because all those tabs are open, or all those screens are up, or all that is still replaying in your head. And it's hard to get it to go away. And then, then it feels what they call ‘dysregulated’. And so then people are telling you to regulate, and you're like I am regulating, because all these screens are up. But trying to function at the same time, and it's too much. And what you were able to do was click into place, how to assign those thoughts and feelings to different boxes in your head, so that you could pause things, like pause on a movie, and then come back to it when you need, but also not have to live with all of it all the time.
And I and I just realized I’d finally put the final puzzle into my arsenal. Well, not, well, I put another piece into my puzzle in the autism state. I still got a long way to go with my puzzle. But I figured out another piece and put it into it.
I think that's so great. So the big fancy therapy word for that is called ‘intentional dissociation’, where you're putting something on pause… [child sound] I know! It's a big fancy word for what you're doing. You put something on pause on purpose, so that you can deal with what you need to deal with now. But it's intentional. You know you're doing it. And it's healthy, because you come back to it. Which is different than just stuffing your feelings, or not using your words, or not coming back to it so that it's still there and needs to be dealt with. Knowing how to get to it, and how to come back to it and feel it, or deal with it, or express it, or talk to me about it, or talk to someone about it. That's so healthy, buddy.
I've been doing much better on bedtime. I've actually, um, done really better.
So. And um. For you what, just for the podcast so that they're catching up what you're talking about, one of the biggest struggles for you with both trauma and autism was bedtime. And wow. Yes! So you're not a bad kid because bedtime is hard, but what happens in the context of a family is that it's hard for us as parents and you as a child to have the bedtime work out in a safe way that's calm and sweet and tender, when there are other kids being disrupted or having problems or whatever consequences because you're still up or because you're still doing stuff. And it was causing you complications. So that kind of problem is, instead of being intentional, like intentional dissociation, is like what they call ‘maladaptive,’ meaning it wasn't actually working for you. Because then you had a bad bedtime and you weren't sleeping. Which was, like, rough. Like it's not a fun experience. It's not good for you. It's not healthy, it's not enjoyable. And you were stressing out because all, you said, your whole day was playing out in your head like you were repeating the whole day.
Yeah. Um. You know how, when we watch movies, you know how I really like, um, like, fun, like, mystery or, like, exciting or power movies like Spider Man or Harry Potter? Uh huh. Just fun stuff. Um. I really, you know when I, when we watched the first Spider Man late at night, and then we had the pause, and then all that drama. And then we went back to it. And then we went to bed. I replayed everything, including the drama during the movie, even though it wasn’t part of the movie. And then I thought it was like, wait, what? Because I was like, wait, that's not right. That can't be right. Because that's not in the movie.
Yeah. And that's a piece of trauma and autism both sometimes or anxiety even when those hard things are just playing over and over and over. Or like with the fascination with the movies--that's so common with autism buddy. That's my even a weird thing. It's like classic autism. You love Star Wars, and you love Jurassic Park, and you love Harry Potter, and you love these kinds of things. And that's totally okay. It's totally okay that you're a fan of Spider Man. That's okay. But you also have to sleep at night to have a good next day. Right? And so what your little breakthrough was that you wanted to share about on the podcast was you learned how to pause all of that so that you can actually go to sleep. And then you've been having better days since then, because you're getting enough sleep. Uh huh.
Um, during church I, I did turn into a crunchin a little bit. It was not because of the sleep, because I got really good. I, I went into a cartoon state a little bit. Because Papa put up a question. He said, I also pray on the toilet. And I was like, “wait, what?”. And everything just went crazy. All the boxes opened. All these feelings went nuts. And they were all just going all over the place trying to find a way into a box and stuff themselves down deep as they could go. But they could not find it because all the boxes then closed up and left in a moving van. And so they were all just trying to chase it, but it kept going too fast. And then they finally caught up with it. And that's when it finally calmed down.
So that's interesting because both with autism and with trauma, when something unexpected happens, it can feel overwhelming or even unsafe. It doesn't mean it actually isn't safe. Like you were just on the couch with Papa watching church online, right? Because of the pandemic. Yeah. And so, you were actually safe. You were right next to Papa. You were on the couch in your comfy spot. So you were safe, but your brain, in that whole polyvagal stuff that we've been talking about, your brain goes, “Oh, something unexpected happen”. And it tells another part of your brain called the amygdala, like a warning bell [wah wah wah] like the tornado siren or something. Right? Danger, danger, danger, the signal goes off. And with trauma and autism, it can be really hard to turn that signal back off and say, “listen, buddy, I'm actually safe. Everything's okay.”
And Papa actually sent me a video of you when this happened? Because do you know what you were doing? I was doing this. Yes, you're doing that. And I'm going to describe it. I'm going to describe it since on the podcast, they can only listen. Okay, so you were turning your, you were sitting on the couch, but you were turning your head in such big circles that you were literally bending at the waist and bending all the way down and over and back up and over and all the way down and turning in these big circles. But do you know what my therapist says? What? She says that is regulation. That is your brain trying to regulate. Wait. What? Yes! Do you remember we talked about top down and bottom up? Do you remember that? Yeah. And how, like, right now, you and I talking and connecting, that's through our cortex. That's top down, because we're having a conversation, right, and I get to see you and it feels good. And we're talking about it and discussing it That's top down. But when you are using your body to tell your brain that you're actually still safe. So like stimming, or bouncing, or tapping, or your hands, or the flapping, or running on your tiptoes, or that circle you were doing during church, which Papa sent me a video of—that is bottom up. You are still trying to regulate.
And so one thing Papa and I have had to learn as parents is to be more tolerant of behaviors that are not really behaviors. They're really regulating. And then one thing you have had to practice and learn is how to give yourself access to some of those things in ways that don't get you in trouble, like at school or during church or something. Because when we're homeschooling, or we're just at home, or you're by yourself in your room, like, then you have so much more freedom right? Like you can stim or regulate however your body wants to do it or if you're playing outside. Those are great ways and it's part of why our family culture believes so much time outside is so important. But sometimes when you're in a social context like church or a classroom or at school, they really buckle down on how much freedom you have to do some of those things.
They really to buckle down on it. Like, I get, I get, like, recess. That's, that's, that, I get like 30 minutes because then we get our 30 minutes after, right? Even when we get like, like, I need a lot because that was, because that's not enough.
You will be in junior high. You won't even be a middle school anymore. Like, you never even got middle school. You're skipping from elementary school all the way to junior high. And in junior high there's no recess at all. No recess? Could I just go back to middle school and try middle school? Cause I basically skipped middle school. It just depends on where we live, sweetie. And, and, um, because you've got an IEP, they won't hold you back. So it goes back to what are your needs and how can we meet them within the context of a framework that's required of us? So if classroom time is required of us, then how can we make sure you have the tools you need to be able to regulate in that context? Sometimes it's not fair. Like if I were the boss of schools, there are a lot of things I would change, right? But I'm not the boss of schools. I'm just your mom. And so we have to follow the rules. But we also have choices, like, is public school going to work? Do we need to keep doing homeschool? And all those kinds of questions we have and can answer as we get through the pandemic. But right now, we're in the pandemic. And so that means you are at home where we can be more flexible with those things. But then bedtime, for example, was the time where we can be some flexible. Like, if it takes you a long time to settle down, we can send you to bed earlier, so that you have that time to settle down so you're asleep at a good time. Or you can find other ways to regulate so you're still asleep on time. Which is what your breakthrough was all about. You were like, “I don't have to go to bed at baby time anymore because I figured out how to do it.”
Because like, I keep wondering. I closed the door. And then I see Mary, like, come out. And then when she, and then when I finished brushing my teeth, and I'm like, “Good night, Mary.” She's like, “goodnight”, and then I go to my room. She closes her door. And then I think “oh, she's just going to bed”. And then she comes back out. And she’s just downstairs. Ugh.
Yeah. Well, it's hard too, I mean, that's another thing for autism and trauma both, where all that stimulation, like where other people doing what's happening, what, where are people supposed to be like, all those things can make us feel unsafe when we've had a lot of trauma.
And then I get in trouble when I try to figure out what's going on. But it's not my business. And I'm supposed to be in bed and asleep. So then I get in trouble for wanting to know what's going on. And then that hits down and leads on to next morning and makes consequences roll up into next morning. And then that affects my morning. Yeah. If I keep it going that affects my evening. Right. I done that path a lot. And so, mostly, it's almost affected entire month.
I know that one thing that's hard that Papa and I are just, like, we're not trying to be bad parents, but where we're weak is that there's literally nothing we can do about that there's just one of us and six of you. So if I'm with you or Papa's with you, or if we're with you together, it's still, it's still like there's three of you, right? Even if we split you in half. And so sometimes it's a taking turns issue and you have to wait. And that's not good for attachment. It's not good for your brain. It's not good for healing, even though, again, you're actually safe, we're really getting get to you, you're gonna have a turn, like even waiting to do this podcast, right? But ideally, you would get all the attention that you need right away. And that you would feel supported in that way. And sometimes with a big family, you have to wait your turn and that's hard. And that's okay that it's hard. You're not bad. Because you have to wait. Like, it's okay to feel disappointed or frustrated that sometimes you have to wait. Do you know, like, um, I think I understand that, really, that’s really good.
Do you know, like, when um, mostly I like adventures and action stuff. Like when you talked about school and home. You know. What's been going on in my head. I've never got a chance to talk to you about the school and homeschool thing. What's been going on in my head. I can picture a school building of junior high and then the hall of my home. I can picture my home clearly. I don't know what my school looks like because I've never been there. Um. I picture that my family’s the school, and then we have cannons and they're just firing. Like having to decide. Yeah, but I gotta go to both. I have, like, I have, I've already doing home school right now. I have to go to school because I have to see if I like the school or not. If I like the lunch. If, if I like the classes. And if I don't, and I don't think, and I need recess, then I come back to homeschool. So either way, none of them are gonna win. Because I've been to both.
Right. Well. So. I think you're talking about two things. One is that there's some anxiety about what will your new school be like. Because when you went into the pandemic, you were in elementary school. Plus, we moved. And so going to a new school and going all the way up to junior high will be something you've never been through before. And that is really hard both for autism and for trauma. So know that it's okay that it's hard, because that's your brain trying to keep you safe. But also know that we will be there and help keep you safe, too. That's our job. We're with you. We hear that it's hard. We'd love you. And we will support you in every way that we can.
The other piece is that I think part of that is some trauma from the pandemic, actually. New trauma. [Child sounds] Because, think about it. Before the pandemic happened, like, in fact, the week before I went to California. Do you remember I went to the junior high for that parent meeting about transitioning your kids to junior high? Yes. And they told us that there would be more meetings like that where the kids also came? Oh, yeah, I've done that. And they told us that over the summer you would get to go visit the school and tour the school. And you would get to do all those things to learn your way around. Especially the sped kids would have extra time. And when the pandemic happened, all that got shut down, and then we moved. And so I think that's actually a trauma. Like, that's grief, you lost something that they promised to you. And a way that they planned on helping you feel safe, and that was taken away from you. Now, no one did that on purpose or to be mean. Of course not. But it's still okay to have big feelings about it.
Like I never got to see their lockers. Never even walked inside the school. Didn't get to see the principal teachers… Well, I saw one teacher cuz they came to our school. But I never got to see a lot of that stuff. And, um, then I never got to do the first day of only sixth graders came to school and seventh graders and eighth graders stay home and to learn my way around school, enjoy, like, I got, I couldn’t even pick clubs. I, Math and English were required. Science and social studies were not required, you could pick that. Art was not required. Like, it was much different in middle school than in Rolling Ridge.
But if that… here's a question. And I'm just trying to think outside the box a little bit because I think your grief and the trauma of the pandemic is legit, especially for kids who are going from elementary to junior high. What if we took what we knew was going to be helpful, like what we had planned before we moved in before the pandemic happened, and getting to visit the school and all of that that was supposed to happen and then didn't happen? What if we took those good answers that we already found? And just use them again? Wait. What if we talked to the school and asked if we could come look around? Wait, really? Like this spring. Not waiting until August when it's your first day and you have to get on a bus and go to a strange place. What if, like, this month we go look, or in May we go look? I actually think that's a grand idea. Don't you think? Because if most of the adults are vaccinated, and we all wore our masks, and we just went the three of us. Okay. What do you think? I, I don't know what to say. Would that feel better at least getting to see. And then we could only worry about that piece. And then after that piece happen, we could talk again about how we feel and what it looks like and what that would be like in August. If, if we get to go back to school in August.
You're smiling. What does that mean? I think it's a good idea. You think? My brain and school and home is starting to stop. I think it's an easy way to address some really valid questions, buddy. I think you did a good job using your words. And I think that I can totally help you in that. And we can come up with a plan that feel safe for you. It is just stopped. It feels like it stopped? Yeah. Anything else in your body? The fog is going away. My mine is becoming clearer. I'm so glad. Does that feel better then? That feels like a good idea? Good job using your words. I love that.
Any other things that you needed to talk about or wanted to share on the podcast? So about the school thing, we're going to see if I'm going back to middle school or not, is that what we're seeing about? Are we seeing if I'm going back to middle school or if I’m going on to skipping middle school going down the roller coaster up and heading into junior high? You mean when we go visit? Yeah. And instead of making a stop on the train to middle school. We would go visit the school you would be attending so that you could see it and ask them questions. I think by then we'd be vaccinated, the triplets. That what I think by then. I hope you guys are vaccinated soon. You're at 12. And they say, like, right now 16 year olds can get it where we live. And they say 12 to 16 is next. So I'm hoping that they call for you very soon. Kirk could get it first. Partly because… danger. Oh, cuz he's high risk with the hydrocephalus and the shunt. Yeah. And I have a question. Who would go next after me and Mary, would me go first? I mean, when I go first, on would Mary go first? We would take you all at the same time, probably, if we were able to get three appointments. We would take you all at the same time.
But if you could get one, your first appointment, you could get one appointment, it would be Kirk. And just understanding this, I'm not saying, “Kirk’s the best.” Oh, because of risk level. Are you worried about that? The Sophie's Choice of it? Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh. If we have to prioritize because of medical issues, it would be, um, [Kirk] Kirk because, because his brain cannot have fevers, and COVID causes high fevers sometimes. So he would be high risk and have to go first because of that. And then with the little ones Kyrie would be because it's an airway disease. And she already has airway problems. And Kirk's, like, shunt part that's metal could, like, burn up and explode. Because his brain already has some problems. And so we can't add to that, right? Well, like a metal thing on half of the side of his brain that keeps him pumping and alive. He has to from his brain down through his heart for a shunt. So that water, there's too much pressure on his brain. So it regulates the pressure on his brain. And it keeps the liquid from putting too much pressure on his brain.
That's why when we do a big activity, usually bring his stroller because it's gonna, he's gonna play a lot. And so a lot of that fluids gonna go, like, whoohoo. And then you bring a stroller, like, not because he's a baby, and he can't walk. Of course, he can walk. He's played with us before and he's really good at it. But just like to, let them chill. So that's a different thing. And now that he's a big kid, we go ahead and call it a wheelchair instead of a stroller. But. Oh, my bad. That's okay. That's okay. That's because he has cerebral palsy and Spina Bifida. So he can walk sometimes. And he can play hard in some ways, but he can't walk for a long time. And he can't play hard for a long time. So if we go somewhere that is a lot of walking, or a lot of exertion, his body doesn't have this same kind of stamina to be able to also, like, get back to the car or to keep doing. So really, it’s kind of like Kyrie when we talk about quality of life. We can either push him really hard in those ways. Or we can help him be comfortable in those ways so he gets to enjoy more activities. Instead of push him really hard for fewer things, we want him to be able to enjoy the things he's able to do.
Those are big questions. Those are good questions. You have any others?
Okay. It was nice chatting with you. It was nice chatting with you. I love you so much. I love you. Anything else you want to add before you hang up? Um, I, I really think all we talked about is, is all, good idea. Um, one more thing to add about the boxes. So there's a lot of things I put in the boxes besides feelings. Of course, if you had a box, what would you put in it?
I have so many boxes, buddy. And I put all the same kinds of things. Some boxes have feelings. Some boxes have memories. Some boxes have experiences, all kinds of different things, just like what you're describing. I think everybody does it in a way. Maybe some people do it a little differently or a little more or a little less. And I think what matters is that you know how to get to those boxes, and that you know how to take care of what's in those boxes.
Did you know that almost, almost all of your boxes are trauma? Almost all of my boxes are trauma. I'm not sure I agree with that. Um, like, you have a new box of this, of us talking when I missed you so much. And I got to see you so now I have that box. I have the box of the day you came to live at our house. I have the box of cooking with you. I have the box of going on adventures with you. I have the box of going on hikes with you. Those are all good boxes. Yeah.
I love you. Some that are hard, some that are easy, some that need help. It's okay to need help. It means you're human. It doesn't mean you're wrong or bad or failing. It means you're human. And it gives other humans a chance to be human with you. I love you so much with all my heart. All my boxes.
Mine too. That for the talk therapist Mama. [Laughter]
I love you baby. Have a good day. I will. Bye. Bye.
[Break]
Thank you for joining us for System Speak – a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. This podcast is available on any podcast player and on systemspeak.org. If you would like to know more of our story, our memoir, If Tears Were Prayers, is now available at systemspeakbooks.com. Thank you for listening.