Transcript: Episode 80
80. Emma Checks In
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Birds chirping]
We are in the middle of the week of Julie visiting. She came to our house and spent time with our family for three days. I missed most of this. But also, there were some times I could see what was happening, even if I couldn’t get out to see anything, or do anything, or change what was happening. But also, I think I was still too scared to try very much, not because Julie is scary. She’s very kind and funny, and I know she heard what I said, about being the friend who won’t go away. But also, it’s just new to me and a lot. And learning how to make friends is a struggle, but I’m trying.
This morning I woke up in our cabin. Julie’s here for the rest of the weekend before flying home back to her family. The cabin has two rooms, so Julie has her own space, so we have our own room. And when I woke up, just like always, our computer was out, and the work for the day was finished, and there were toys scattered on the bed and on the floor.
I don’t know how all of this works, how it’s possible, how it can be, that the one they call Sasha can be so loud, or laugh like that, or interact like that, when it’s so hard for me. Or how the one who works can do all that, that I don’t know how to do. I saw, today, that she was writing in french. I don’t know how that works. I don’t know french. I do understand now that we lived in different places around the world growing up. So, I understand we could be exposed to some different things like french. But I didn’t know that a Part of me learned it. Or how a Part of me could play with toys, and little Winnie The Pooh figures, and me not remember that. The bear and the elephant were on the bed too, where they always are, close to us.
Today Donna comes. I’ve met Donna before in person myself. We were playing here at the cabin once before, with the children, out by the fountains, and Donna came and met me there. It was good to see her. She’s someone who’s real and kind, and I like her a lot. It felt safe to connect with her a little bit, even though it’s scary, and even though I’m not very good at it. She’s patient with me. So, she comes to the cabin today.
But before I could see her or Julie, I needed to go for a walk. It’s a beautiful day and everything feels okay. I tried to check in on the support groups, but there were people being ugly to each other, and the ugliness made me sad. And so I just turned it off. It wasn’t helpful. I’m not on the groups very much, not like I was a year ago. I think maybe it’s true that I’m finding friends, and learning more about DID, and so able to handle things differently on my own, but not always better.
This morning we had an email from a moderator on Reddit about the post someone posted about us, when they confused us with someone else. They are asking about the podcast episode that was taken down. I saw what we wrote back to them, just answering the same questions, and saying we took it down, because it seemed resolved, and we didn’t want to confuse people further. So, I don’t know if that was the right thing or not, but we’re learning - sometimes through mistakes, and sometimes through trying again, and sometimes doing better. But it’s hard when there are whole cultures you don’t understand, or when you’re really new at it, or when there’s ugliness in groups, and hatefulness online.
So, I want to do better. And all I really can do is focus on myself, and what I’m doing, and our choices. I want to be kind. I know I can’t always be good. And I’m doing a lot of questioning right now, about what good even means. But I do want to be kind. Sometimes it scares me, because when there’s things that happen that I don’t remember, I know that I’m still responsible for what happens. So, I think it’s scary, maybe, to feel out of control.
[Birds chirping]
But right now, the birds…can you hear them?
[Birds chirping]
Like when I talked about Mother’s Day… right now, the birds for me are God. And they remind me there are things I can’t see, and a picture that’s bigger than what I understand. Sometimes my therapist is the bird, staying close enough to be sure I’m safe, and to help me navigate, and help me learn, and to help me feel safe, but also teaching me and empowering me to do it myself, to learn to make connections, and to keep trying.
It’s supposed to be a girl’s weekend, us and Donna and Julie. Jane was supposed to come, but at the last minute she couldn’t come. So, it’s just the three of us, which seems not too overwhelming, and a good opportunity to try, and they’re both safe people. So, I feel bad for still being scared sometimes. And I do want to try. I worry about struggling, because I don’t want that to be disrespectful. I worry about how overstimulating it is, even when it’s quiet. It’s almost like I don’t even have those muscles built strong in me yet, to be able to do it. But maybe if I keep trying, I’ll learn.
I’m sitting on the third floor of a balcony, in a building - a couple of buildings down from where our condo is. So that I could just sit outside, but be alone for a minute. The trees are clapping their hands, like that verse in Isaiah. And for some reason it makes me think of the Jewish concept of a Temple, and how we rest on the Sabbath Day, because it’s the day when His lightness comes. So even idols, when they built Temples -- so even the false idols, or the Temple or the Tabernacle itself, it was prepared and built in all those days, like the six periods of creation. But the moment the idol is placed in there, or in the Temple or Tabernacle, where the presence of God comes, it is when His face is there, when that likeness is there. That is what makes it a Temple space.
And I don’t know what kind of Temple space I want to be. I thought I did, and I think I do, but I don’t know how to get to day seven. And then I think, I don’t even know where this is coming from - these thoughts about Temples or trees clapping their hands. And I think it’s Molly, but I don’t know why I’m hearing from Molly, or what it has to do with today, or how to listen.
When I meet other people with DID, or try to watch the videos online, or talk to other friends with DID, they know how to hear them. Or like what Julie shared on her podcast, about getting messages from the Others on the inside. I didn’t know how that worked, but when I heard her say that when I listened to the podcast, that made sense to me in a way that I didn’t understand before. Because I think that this is a moment…when I see the trees clapping their hands - it’s beautiful. And the fresh air feels good to me, but I don’t know anything about Temples or that that verse was in Isaiah. But I do know that reference came from Molly.
So, I don’t know if that counts. Some tiny example of getting an impression like that, and connecting where it came from, or what to do about it, or what that means I should do about it, or how to practice doing that more. Maybe it’s just an example of being present, and trying to pay attention, instead of avoiding.
I haven’t written in the notebook for two weeks. Some things changed in the notebook, and it scares me, but a different kind of scared - an anxious kind of scared. Sometimes now, when I try to write in the notebook, instead of finishing what I have to say, and then finding other pages by other people, sometimes now, what’s in the notebook is other people all on the same page - the different colors and different handwritings all mixed up together. And the chatter is louder, and there’s more of me knowing what’s happening, even when I’m not in control of it. I don’t know if that’s progress, or if I’m getting crazier, but it scared me, and so I stopped writing. And now the notebook is empty for two weeks, which has never happened before.
The first week we were also typing, and emailing some things to the therapist. But this week, with Julie here, we haven’t had any time for typing. But also, maybe it was easier to spend time with Julie than to do the hard work of typing. There’s something that shifted from just learning to feel safe, and learning to trust the therapist. And that shifting into actually telling her things, and talking about things, and it turns out the only thing harder than that is feeling them.
My emotions get big, and sometimes even my body hurts. It’s very difficult, and scary, and hard to remember everything else we’ve learned already, but I’m trying. I think I’m trying, and I need to be trying, but I don’t know if my trying counts, if I still think it’s hard, and still think it’s scary, and still get anxious about it.
Which brings me back to asking questions about being good.
[Silence]
Because I don’t know if what’s scary is how bad it felt the first time, or how bad it feels to remember it now, or if it’s about being in trouble then, and fearing being in trouble now, and everything gets tangled in my head. But then when I was asking questions about being good, and watching the trees, that’s when I heard Molly, and something about the Sabbath day being rest, and not just rest as in not working, but rest as in the presence of God resting there. As if rest were present progressive, instead of just a refraining and a restricting.
I feel like she’s trying to teach me something that I don’t fully understand yet, but maybe I’ve gotten the message for the first time. Maybe it’s about just being me being present, and resting my presence in my own body, letting me just be here, and present with what’s happening, even when there’s nothing I can control, or work for me to do. Or maybe, that because it’s about being present, and not about doing, then maybe it’s also not about being good or bad.
I feel like there’s something there that’s slipping past me, but that I almost understand. So maybe that’s how I’ll start my day - trying to just be present, and be with my friends, even though I miss my husband and my children. And just learning how things unfold and what happens, even when I’m not out front, and even when I can only watch, or maybe that it’s okay to watch, even when I’m not strong enough for more yet.
Maybe sometimes watching is the only way to experience some of the good when so much of the remembering is bad. Maybe that’s part of why connection makes such a difference, because everyone needs some good and not just the bad from the past. Maybe some of the good in the present, and some of the connections that are safe is what makes now time safe.
Thanks, Molly.
[Break]
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