Transcript: Episode 82
82. Respect the Struggle
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Everyone is gone now. Julie has landed home safely with her family. Donna’s gone home to rest. And we have the condo to ourselves. It’s funny that when things are finally quiet and still, they’re not actually quiet. I took the podcast down at first, about Sasha and Julie coming down on their trips, about Sasha and Julie traveling, because it was too much for me. I don’t mean that either of them did anything bad, but it was so loud and so much that was silly. I felt embarrassed and out of control.
So I took them down, almost as a reflex. But today I put them back up, because I felt guilty for interfering with what they wanted to share in their own way. And because maybe it’s important to honor the different parts of Julie, the way she cares about the different Parts of me. And maybe Sasha was there for so much of the time, because I wasn’t ready.
So I felt like I betrayed their authenticity of experience, and that I should leave it alone, even though it wasn’t my experience. Nothing was wrong, and I don’t mean that they did anything bad, or that they are bad, and I don’t want Julie or Sasha to think that. It isn’t about that. It’s about learning to come to terms with what happens when I’m not there, and she is. And trying to learn how to balance all of that with also being accountable for my own self and recognizing triggers, and learning new things, like how to make friends. And maybe even if they are loud and silly, it’s still progress to be trying out friendship and what that feels like, even if it’s not always my way or a lot to process.
So learning to go on vacation with friends, or to live everyday with Sasha and the others, is work that maybe shouldn’t have to be work, but feels like it sometimes, and can be overstimulating and overwhelming and too much and not my style, not my thing, not the way I move in the world. But also, maybe that’s part of what I’m learning, because she is different from me - Sasha is. But it doesn’t make her bad, or me wrong. And we’re going to have to learn how to work together, without stepping on each other's toes.
I don’t know why some of them are harder than others, or maybe they’re just hard in different ways. I don’t know how to work with Sasha. If it’s hard to try, and the very thing she protects me from are the things that are too hard, but it’s not just her. I don’t know how to talk to the one they call Dr. E if she only works, and doesn’t want to be bothered, or really can’t know anything, just so that we can function. I don’t know how to reach out and help Little Ones.
When I hear stories about the bathtub, or the butterfly palace, or what it looks like from the outside. I don’t know how to handle it when it’s real on the outside, and not just in my head. And sometimes I don’t want to connect to others on the outside at all, because I don’t want to make it more real than it already is. And I would rather wait and hide and not share anything, until I’m even able to share it with myself. But then I worry that maybe that’s avoidance. But then I wonder, is sharing with others, like spending so much time with friends, who know about DID, is a different kind of avoidance where Sasha can be there, and I don’t have to be. I’m going to have to learn how to do both - be present with myself and be present with others. I try to remember what the therapist has taught us about now time is safe, but sometimes that’s easier said than believed, when now time doesn’t feel as safe.
So, having safe friends like Julie and Donna are a good thing that I should be grateful for. I’m learning to make other friends that I’ve met, who have emailed us, or supported us, or helped in different ways… is really important too. And in a way, kind of life changing. It brings healing. But not everyone is safe. And not everyone likes the podcast and being okay with that means being okay with not everyone liking me, which is okay, but I don’t like all of me either. And I don’t know how to fix that or what to do about it or even if I should.
I don’t want to spend time on my podcast having to talk about negative things outside of the podcast, or outside of our own healing, because that’s the part we wanted to share. But the more we share and the more people who know and the more people who learn, and even like Donna, who don’t have DID, but are learning about themselves and about trauma and about shame, then the more people there are who also don’t understand what we’re trying to do and even attack it.
So it’s a new experience where once again people have taken something that was good and violated it, and made the world feel unsafe, except it wasn’t them, it was us for speaking, for starting the podcast in the first place So how do I balance that with those inside, who are little? And trying to learn that it’s okay to talk, that we won’t get in trouble for talking, that it’s not our secret. And yet the more we talk, the more we are attacked for it. So those who have been supportive, I really appreciate it. And those who’ve been patient while we learn to express ourselves well, and not just loudly, I appreciate it.
I got an email from the website who seems to feel the same way I do. They say they love the podcast, but they haven’t liked the last few episodes, because the giggling and laughing was too much, even annoying. They said I’m looking forward to getting back to our regularly scheduled program, and that’s how I feel too. And I thought I was ready, and there were things I wanted to share.
And then I got another email, warning me that I was getting doxed. I didn’t even understand what that meant, and I had to look it up. It means there’s someone out there trying to share my personal details and information about my family, as if that somehow discredits me. Except that’s the place where I’m most me and with my family is where I am safest and strongest, and I’m not afraid.
I’ve already shared a lot about our family, and Others Inside have too. We’ve already shared what city we live in and even reconciling that we’re 41 in the body. We’ve had to clarify details and say things that I didn’t know had anything to do with the podcast, like when we got cochlear implants, or what year we got licensed in, or how long it took us to go to school. I understand wanting the facts. I want them too. That’s the whole reason we’re doing this, and I don’t expect everyone to like the podcast, and I don’t expect everyone to listen to the whole thing. But I”m not doing it for them. We’re doing it for us - to learn together, to learn from each other, to learn from experts and other systems, to learn from people who are supportive, who have their own journey’s and their own challenges and their own stories, for all of us to learn together. That’s always been the point.
So getting doxed has taken from me the story I wanted to share today, and instead left me with feelings of fear and panic, except what I’ve shared is true. And sharing it has helped me learn more about myself. And so what if maybe this one time, like Sasha being loud with her friends, what if this one time it’s me who’s not afraid. What if this one time we take comfort in what is threatened, instead of giving them any power to hurt us again.
I’ve learned a lot from all of this, how different mediums on the internet work, and what their rules are, and who the moderators are, and how hard they work at doing what they do. And I’m grateful that there’s so many people in such a scary world trying to keep all of us safe, and I’m grateful that there are so many people who are learning with me, even when there are things I don’t yet know, answers I don’t yet have. And sometimes I’m a little loud. When I get annoyed by Sasha, the thing that helps me most is remembering how free she is, and how not afraid she is, and how firm she is in setting boundaries and not backing down.
And so today, I put the two podcasts she did back up, and the one with Donna back, and the one from Donna last night - I added it too, and let them stay. Not because they’re my favorite, but because they’re her memories, and now they’re mine too. And maybe it gives us a starting place of working together and negotiating things, because I’m not any better than she is. Being quiet doesn't help you connect with others. And being afraid doesn’t help you engage with the world. And only having a panic doesn't help you get things done.
So now it’s quiet, but my head and my ears still ring with the noise and the excitement of having friends. I took a really hot shower, and put on my Sunday clothes and drove to church nearby. I thought about the things I was trying to learn from Molly. And I thought about this email that I got that agreed with me about Sasha being loud and annoying. And it said at the end, “Also, I just want to give a shoutout to Dr. E. I think you’re very intelligent, but also really interesting, and hope to learn more about you as a person, not just your interviews. I feel bad when Sasha talks down about you, and wanted to send a little encouragement your way. See you guys on the next podcast, and keep doing all the good that you’re doing.”
And I learned something from that email, because maybe the way I talk about Sasha is the way Sasha talks about Dr. E. And we’ll never get along if we’re only finding what’s wrong with each other, just like we’ll never have a safe community as long as people are attacking each other, or outing each other, or being unkind. So all of it’s a lot to learn, and I knew at just being this present, but maybe I need to let her be who she is, as she is. In the same way I want Others to just let me be too.
Because when it’s all said and done, what I wanted was to learn about friendship, and Sasha did that work for me. So it’s messy work, and loud work, and maybe laughing at the adventures we had kept us from being scared about the traumas we faced, even together when there was an assault in the park, and a tornado at the condo. And no one being sure of who was doing the driving. Maybe talking about DID up close and personal is harder than I thought.
So just like therapy, maybe friendship too, never goes quite as expected. My middle son, in his class at school, the teacher always says, “Respect the struggle.” And I think it’s been a few weeks of struggle, and I know the struggle’s not over yet. But maybe what we’ve learned is to respect it all. The people who don’t like us, the people who had different opinions, the people who don’t even give us a chance to share our sides, the people who want answers now, when the questions are ones I’m not even ready to ask. Friends and therapy, mentors and experts, maybe we all need each other in a way we hadn’t considered before, in a way that requires us to let our guard down, in a way that teaches us to practice trust, both living up to it and earning it, as well as having faith in others. And maybe all of those lessons apply, whether it’s in our own system inside or externally in the community or just in making friends.
So I’m trying a little bit to put on my Sasha Pants and not be so afraid of the world. And I’m trying a little bit to remember that my family is still there, even when I’m here. And that now time is still safe, even when people are mean. And that I can cling to what is good, without thinking that I’m bad. I need to go back to working in my workbook, instead of avoiding it. We need to go back to writing in the notebook, even though we’re talking to each other, instead of just to her. I need to not be afraid of therapy tomorrow, just because I’ll be gone for a few weeks after that. And I need to remember that just because I will miss a few weeks, doesn’t mean she’s gone anywhere, and doesn't mean we won’t get to see her again, and doesn’t mean that the world will fall apart. Maybe I’ll be okay. Maybe I’ll take my daughter to Africa, and we’ll have a grand time - laughing and being silly, like Julie was with Sasha, like Sasha was with Julie. Maybe we’ll make our own memories, and maybe I’ll get to keep them. Maybe it’s okay to be a little bit of a little girl, and a rambunctious boy, and a silly adolescent, and a smart professional, and also just a mom, and also just me.
Maybe that’s part of what it means of all of us to be together as a system, almost like a family.
[Plays Mr. Sandman on an instrument]
[Children sing a song to the beat of Mr. Sandman]
[Plays Mr. Sandman on an instrument]
So when I go back to chapter seven, about working with dissociative Parts in my workbook, the one that’s called ‘Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation,’ it says on page 71 that avoidance and conflict is what keeps dissociative Parts separated. And also that when we fear losing control it’s because we think other Parts are so different, or so unacceptable, because of their emotion or behaviors. And that when we feel this, the more we tend to avoid these conflicts and dissociative Parts, the more difficulties you are likely to have in daily life. The less collaboration among Parts, the more inner-conflict you have.
I feel like that’s part of what happened. She’s so much more social than I am and so much louder than I am. And sometimes I have headaches from all the switching. And sometimes I have headaches just because she’s so loud. And when there’s such intense banter, and such -- and so I’m trying to think about what this chapter said, about working together and cooperating and communicating, instead of isolating each other further.
So in thinking about more things I’m grateful for for Sasha, another one is just that she’s able to have fun. I don’t think I have very much fun. I don’t think I necessarily feel very happy. I don’t know that I feel very much of anything at all. Sometimes I feel so numb. I’m not even sure that I’m real, or that the world around me is real. I know that sounds crazy. It feels crazy too, but I don’t mean to make things worse by trying to fix them.
Like when I let them respond to what was happening on the internet, when people were being mean about the podcast, or when I didn’t let her respond, when she just wanted to share about what it was like to have a friend when you’re DID. So maybe, part of what happened was it was too much for me, not the friendship, but the listening to everything. And I need to remember again, that like with the notebook, if it’s too much, I need to just wait, instead of pushing through. And instead of avoiding her, just keep trying. That’s another song I taught my kids.
[Children singing a song about trying again to the tune of Jingle Bells]
I know it’s a silly thing, but I’m trying to ground myself. After having company for a week, I’m trying to focus on now time is safe, and my strong connection with my family, after getting those threats and the email. Because I know when someone says something mean, it doesn’t make it right or true or good or even helpful. Other times people can disagree, and even share their opinion and do it really respectfully, and in a way that connects - the way the email that shared about Sasha being annoying, was how I was feeling too. But they were still respectful to the other -- but it was shared in a respectful way.
I don’t think that life is meant to not have conflict, but I don’t think that conflict has to make us ugly. So when we’re struggling with conflict internally, or we’re struggling with conflict externally, there can be all kinds of responses. Sometimes it feels more reactive when you respond without thinking almost, or react out of fear without thinking first, or react out of habit, in the same ways we responded to all of the other danger. Maybe like the flight or fight things that we’ve been learning about. But those aren’t our only choices, and we always have a choice.
And I want to choose kindness, even with healthy boundaries. And I want to choose gratitude. I have gratitude for those who listen, whether they like it or don’t like it, or they only like certain ones. I have gratitude for those who share why they don’t listen, but explain it respectfully. I have gratitude for those who are so patient while I learn how to be a friend, when it’s not something I’ve had before. In fact, at church this morning, I was thinking about Julie and Donna, and what they said about how hard it was to just wait while I learned how to trust, and not even giving them contact information, or responding to them when they tried. Part of that is because I’ve been hurt before. I don’t just mean my trauma in the past with my family, or the things that I don’t remember, I mean by other survivors.
So it means a lot to have safe friends, whether that’s friends here, coming to visit me and my family, or if it means the emails that encourage and give me hope, and make me smile again, and help us to just keep trying. Or whether it’s hard lessons where we learn new things that we just never had the chance to practice before. And even gratitude for the muscles that come when we practice hard things, like never before.
It’s hard not to be ashamed of myself when I know that I’m responsible for everything, that any of them say or do or present, or how they interact. It’s hard to not be embarrassed when I don't’ understand why or how to stop it or don’t know when things happen. It’s hard to not be afraid of what they do, or don’t do, what they should have done or shouldn’t have done. But I have gratitude for them being a part of me, a part of this system as a whole, and gratitude for the learning that we’re doing together, and gratitude for practicing it, even if we’re not good at it yet.
Right now, I’m so overwhelmed by everything, and so frustrated that even trying to support others or reaching out is so difficult, that I deactivated even our Facebook account for the support groups. It just feels like a couple of weeks where nothing’s gone right, we can't do anything right. And I know those thoughts are not true. I know that it’s false, but taking a break and just being grounded and reclaiming my sense of safety, while waiting out the attacks from the doxing, and the dislikes of those who don’t support the podcast, the way we had to wait out the tornado, and sideways rain, and the sting of wind blowing through water.
But I have gratitude that I’m not in it alone, and that I have the family that I do, and even the friends that I do - in real life and listeners I just haven’t got to meet yet. I have gratitude that now time is safe, even when some of growing up -- even when it’s hard work to help to keep it safe. So I just wanted to say thank you as we wrestled through things the last couple of weeks that have been extra hard. I don’t want to give up. I won’t give in, but it’s also good to know we’re not alone. Thank you.
[Children singing a song about thankful]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.