Transcript: Episode 146
146. Family Therapy
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
You guys have to listen to this. It’s an elevator sound.
[Elevator sound]
Wait for it.
[Buzzing sound]
[Bell rings]
How creepy is that? The elevator ding. Listen. [Elevator bell rings]
Oh man, oh man.
So, I know that was a super creepy sound, but it was very important that you hear it, because first of all, this is a podcast and so you have to hear things, and second of all, if I have to hear it, you have to hear it. [Laughs]
Oh. Okay, so the family therapist is like on the fourth floor, except one of the floors is the lobby, and so it’s like a trick for people who are not oriented [laughs] to try and find the office. Also, when you walk in the building from your car, there are stairs, but when you get up to her floor, there are no stairs. So, you can’t try taking the stairs to avoid the elevator [laughs], because the third floor is really the fourth floor, because of the lobby floor [laughs], where there are stairs, but the fourth floor does not have stairs. [Laughs]
Uhh, and that’s why the fourth floor’s really the third floor. [Laughs] But, you have to get past the creepy, creepy elevator first, except it’s not really a creepy elevator. I’ve talked about it before, it’s like, hospital sterile clean in there, you guys. And so, it’s super intimidating because I don’t know, maybe it’s kind of triggering for us, because of hospital stuff with the children and the medically fragile daughter, whatever.
But also, it’s like the opposite of community mental health. I don’t know if it’s the same in other countries. But, you guys, in the States, our community mental health places are really scary. [Laughs] Like, there’s a lot of people that are not functioning, and the people who work there, have to work too hard. And, so, the bathrooms are a mess, and the waiting rooms are too small, and overcrowded, and nobody can get scheduled. Like, I’ve really gotten a different taste being [laughs] on this side of things, of how hard it is just to get into therapy, much less actually participate in it.
Like, here’s the thing, when getting to therapy, and going into therapy uses up all of your spoons [laughs], I don’t know how you’re actually supposed to participate in therapy once you’re there. And, so, uhhh -- so, okay, so the ongoing therapy drama continues, and I’m sorry it’s been so much personal stuff, but that’s -- it’s just been huge trying to change therapists.
So, since we’re no longer driving four hours to the therapist, we have to stay in therapy for two reasons. One, we’re committed to getting better, like, that’s part of the deal. And, number two, there’s no way the therapist would let us just quit, like, we would never get away with that, ever. [Laughs] And, so, for all of that to work out, we have to stay in therapy, and stay focused, and take care of business. Like, that’s the only way to honor her, and nobody cares about that, except for us. No one’s going to know about it, except for us. But, it’s the only way to honor all of her hard work, right?
Because cearly, we’re at the point where we’re okay giving her credit for it most days, but we’re still not going to give ourselves credit for anything yet [laughs], because we can’t even find the fourth floor, because it’s really the third floor. Oh no, we can’t find the third floor, because it’s the fourth floor. See, I still don’t know! [Laughs]
So, here’s the thing, I hope before you go to therapy, you’re actually oriented, and don’t need therapy, because if you don’t know who you are, you can’t check in reception. If you don’t know where you are, you’re never going to find the third floor. And, if you don’t know when you are [laughs], you don’t know when you’re supposed to show up. And, for us, that’s extra tricky.
Let me tell you why…because we have a family of eight, you guys, and I’m not even [laughs] talking about on the inside. [Laughs] I’m talking about on the outside, with The Husband, and us, and the six children - that is eight bodies, all of who need therapy. [Laughs] What we need, seriously, is if we’re going to have to live in the city, where they have these giant corporate offices with clinicians -- hello, I am your therapist [laughs] -- if we’re going to be in these big fancy buildings with their hospital hallways, and there’s that many people working there, what they need to do is have some kind of team meeting, and be like okay, that families coming in again today. And, they should have like eight therapists. Just, I mean, we’re Medicaid. It’s not like we get a lot of choices anyway. [Laughs]
So, if we’re going to be coming to this place, that’s what they need to do, they just need to be like meh, let’s just take care of business, and whip it out in an hour. Like, everybody can have therapy at the same time, we can all get in the van and freak out together, and then go out to eat, and get some good food. I’m just kidding, we don’t have money to go out to eat, I’m just pretending. But, a girl can dream, right, because it’s also never going to happen that an office would say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I see you’re a mom with six children, and I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time.” [Laughs] “Let me take care of you. We will arrange things so that all the people can be seen at the same time.” It would be like babysitting [laughs] - respite care for all of us. But, all the kids could have a break from us, we could have a break from the children, everyone can get therapy at the same time. [Laughs]
If you can throw in some kind of spa treatment [laughs] -- oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, you guys, uh, therapy, it’s so hard. So, here’s what we do. Seriously, every week the husband goes. He’s got his own stuff, he’s very open about his depression. I’m not telling his secrets. He has some depression that is clearly some chemical stuff, it’s not just because he’s married to us [laughs]. I’m sure that doesn’t help when you’re feeling overwhelmed, to marry someone with DID, and then also adopt six kids. [Laughs] What is wrong with us? Oh my -- I know…DID, that’s it.
Okay, so, uh, I can’t even breathe. My face hurts from laughing. It’s fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine here. Here’s what we do, The Husband goes every week. He gets some EMDR, or whatever his little dongles are. He takes care of that, okay? And, that leaves -- well, we go in a whole four block hour, which means you don’t want to be our therapist on a sick day, because if we don’t show up, like, then that’s your whole afternoon gone. You can get some treatment plans done, you can write some [laughs] -- do some assessments, get all your notes caught up [laughs]. Oh, the poor therapist. I just feel like we have to apologize to anywhere, wherever our family goes, even though we try to be a very well-behaved family, which I know is hard to imagine, since I’m a part of it. [Laughs]
Speaking of that, you guys, do you know what happened this morning? Our youngest son, who has autism, but very present -- I mean, uh, presents very differently than like our oldest son who has autism. So, this one, the young one, is just like a little baby engineer. Like, I can’t tell you how many times he’s taken apart the dishwasher, or the furnace. One time we found parts of the furnace in the dishwasher. One time he set the house on fire, on accident, not because he’s a fire-setter, but because he was trying to do laundry in the oven, and wanted to see at what temperature would dry the clothes the fastest. [Laughs]
Oh, this morning, he brought us, like, a laundry basket full of bricks, and we still don’t know where he got the bricks from. [Laughs] We’re waiting for our house to collapse, or for some cat to wander in, and for us to find the hole where they got through. [Laughs] I’m nuts. He came in at like three in the morning. He doesn’t sleep. He has the kind of autism, where no matter what medication they give him, or what they try with him, he sleeps for like two hours a night, and that is all, that is all.
And so, we have an alarm on his door. He is not locked in his room, let me be very clear, my trauma friends. He is not locked in his room. But, we have an alarm on his door, so when he opens his door, it’s like a doorbell. So, there’s no restrictions, zero restrictions. Just for his own safety, we need to know when he’s awake so that we can be safe with him. But, um, hello, guess what? Depressed boy, The Husband, he gets to wake up with him, because [laughs] our ears come off. [Laughs] At night, our ears charge, like our cochlear implant processors - we take them off at night, because they have to charge for the next day.
So, we could sleep through all of that [laughs]. Oh, oh, and so this morning, I was sleeping, we’re sleeping, whatever, everybody’s sleeping, which is like a miracle, right? You all know how precious sleep is, and usually we wake up a couple times in the night, and then like between two and four, we’re completely awake. So, Dr. E does a bunch of work on the computer with international clients, and then around five or six, we go back to sleep for an hour, and take a quick nap before it’s time for the kids to get up. Like, I don’t know, that just is -- we do our best. That’s how it works.
But, last night in the middle of the night, this boy came and woke me up, my little manchild. He came with a laundry basket full of bricks [laughs], and I don’t know where they came from, or what I’m supposed to do about it. So, he’s in therapy right now, so I’m talking to you really fast, while I have the chance, which means it will be short.
But, I have to tell you about this, because it’s crazy in there - the creepy elevator. And, so, we have -- anyway, anyway -- uh, I can’t even talk on topic. That’s how many things I have to say, because everyone’s been all mopey and serious, and so it’s time to get back to podcasting business. Well, not business, but you know what I mean, like, focus on the plan.
So, therapy, yeah, focus -- can’t -- ah! Hello! So, we have a four hour block of therapy. The Husband goes every week for his depression, and he gets EMDR, or whatever, and he talks to her, and it’s helping, and it’s really, really good, and she’s amazing. Also, she knows about DID, totally gets DID, and is a huge relief for the first time, to have someone working with our whole family, who understands DID, and is also safe, and good, and kind, and participating in our family. We’ve had one other family therapist, who knew about the DID, but that was one that we struggled with, and then ultimately lost. And, so, that was kind of traumatic for the entire family.
So, it’s a big deal. You’re putting a lot at risk, right? So, family therapy is hard work, you guys, but it’s worth it when you get the right therapist. And, you can show up in the right office, at the right time, with the right people.
So, we have four hours every week where the children rotate. So, every other week -- not every week -- every other week, all six kids go, and everybody gets a half hour, like, to check in with her, and to feel that stable attachment on an ongoing basis, not an attachment in a bad way, but they’re foster kids working on attachment. I don’t mean like overly attached and unhealthy, I mean stabilizing, right? And then the other three who have just other extra issues, because of their special challenges and things, they go the opposite weeks. And, I don’t know what they do. I don’t know how the math works out. Like, they split it into like 30 minutes, or 45 minutes, or something. I don’t know. They split up those three hours, two hours, and one hour. They get a whole hour. I don’t know, you guys, it's a time question. They split up the rest of the time.
Anyway, all of that to say that then there’s not a slot for us, because all of those times are used up, and we could add a slot. The receptionist, like, “could you please just get your family out of here?” [Laughs] Because all six of us, or eight of us, have been there for four hours [laughs], and they are done with that. So, we are trying. We are trying, but it’s a lot of work, and it’s super tricky.
And it’s hard to get in there super consistently, because The Husband has to have it to stay alive, right? And, the children need it, because the children are most important. We have to protect the children. So, even me, who could care less about the rugrats, which is totally not true, but it’s not my job. You know what I’m saying? Hanging out in the car, talking on the podcast, that’s my job. Hanging out in a waiting room, for four hours, with rugrats, not my job. [Laughs] Let me be clear.
And, so, we just have to figure out how to deal with all this, but even I know they’re the most important, and so even though she’s amazing, and very kind, and very good with the children, and has been a lifesaver, literally for The Husband -- she’s done incredible work -- I don’t know how she’s not sick of our family after an entire afternoon with us. Like, it’s really hard for us to get here, and so we do it all at once, instead of coming twice a week, because uh, therapy twice a week - been there. That’s hard, right? And, so, I don’t know -- I mean with kids, loading up the kids, getting the kids there, homework, like we would just live here all week long.
And, so, we just do it in one bulk afternoon, and she’s been wonderful about it, and very kind about it. But then it’s hard for us to get in there and work on our own stuff, and even when we do go, it always ends up being about the kids, because that’s what we’re working on as a family. And, so, it’s just not working for us to be able to work on our own issues, even though she’s amazing. And, she’s a nurse as well, so she’s really helpful in understanding the medical trauma we’ve dealt with with our youngest daughter, and some of their special needs. But, it’s not the same as getting to do trauma therapy from the past. I don’t know if trauma therapy is the right word, but you know what I’m saying, to work on DID.
When you’ve got as many people on the outside as you do on the inside -- not exactly, I’m generalizing -- but, you know what I mean. Then, it’s a really tough thing.
So, uh, we have made it down the elevator to change out children, and now we’re going back in to change out children again, and trading them with The Husband, and he’s taking the others home. So, I had five minutes to myself to just say “hello, we’re trying here.” And, tomorrow, I have to tell you, is the big day where we try another new therapist. We’ve already done some assessment stuff, and we’re going to see if this other therapist will work for us. So far, I really appreciate how responsive the new therapist has been. We’ve had some specific questions, and obviously it’s very anxiety producing. But, the new therapist has been very patient with questions, and very patient with the things that we’ve shared so far. And, so, that will be interesting. But, it’s still scary. [Laughs]
But, basically it’s like getting a flu shot. If you go to family therapy, for four hours, on one day, and then go to your own therapy the next day, you’re basically too tired to care about therapy the next day. Like, it wears you out [laughs] enough that you don’t have time to be anxious about therapy the next day. So, it’s like a one, two punch, where if you deal with all the outside kids and The Husband, and getting them to therapies, and then by the time it’s your turn, it’s not even a big deal anymore, because you’re so “therapy’d” out that [laughs] you don’t have time to freak out, or be all anxious about going to therapy again. Ugh! I don’t know.
I’m going to go get the last kiddo, maybe we could even talk to him, and be like, “Hey, how was therapy? You should talk about that - disclose that to the world. That way when you’re an adult, you can get even more therapy.” [Laughs] Oh, my poor children. Oh, my poor children. Okay, hold on. Well, for you, it’s going to be all the same, because you’re listening, right? But, really it’s not all the same. Okay, hold on, bye.
Interviewer: Bold Font
Interviewee: Standard Font
[Interview with various children begins]
For the people learning on the podcast, what did you learn about anger that would help other people?
I learned about that we should not just hold our feelings in, like, not just try to hide our feelings, but also we should tell our feelings, and explain them directly, instead of letting them hold in like rocks in a volcano, and then don’t just let them explode like a volcano does.
Ohh, did that help?
Mmhmm.
Was she nice?
Yeah.
Did you like talking to her?
Mmhmm.
Do you feel safe?
Yeah.
Give me five.
[Clapped hands]
Nice.
[Break]
She already complained about the elevator, so just, you can’t repeat everything from the whole entire session, but pick one thing you think would be important for people to know to feel better?
Um, that --
That she taught you today. What did you learn today?
Um, that you should sometimes take a deep breath - inhale and exhale eight times, or count to twenty, and then restart.
Oh, how does that help?
Um, the counting, breathing in, and breathing out give you something to think about, what you’re doing. It helps that. That’s the way it will help you calm down, but counting to 20 helps you learn, helps you count, like, to do some learning, and that makes your mind off of the anger.
Love it! Knuckles. Good job.
[Break]
Okay, we have been going all over the place. We’ve taken the other kids home, and now we’re back with you, because it’s your turn. Right? I know you haven’t been yet, so you can’t share something you learned. But, here’s what I have to talk about with you, because you’re the one who understands. Are you ready? It’s very serious.
What is up with the creepy elevator dings? [Laughs]
I don’t know, either the doctor has hid his Tardis --
[Laughs]
-- In the elevator, or those dings are dalex and we’re doomed.
[Laughs] They’re so creepy, right?
Yeah.
It’s not even a ding, it’s like a -- something is terribly wrong.
Yeah.
Like, really something terrible.
Yeah.
I don’t know, it’s so scary.
Mmhmm.
Do you think it’s creepy?
Yeah, it’s like the doctor could appear any moment, you know?
Wait, Doctor Who?
I don’t know.
That’s the one!
Yeah.
[Laughs] Okay, crazy day. Thanks.
[Break]
[Interview with children ends]
Okay, I’m trying to be serious, you guys, it’s just been a crazy afternoon of trying to get kids rotated through therapy. But, seriously, seriously, I wish that you knew these kids, and could see from the outside, how far they’ve come, and how amazing they are, and how much they’ve grown. Because, it’s incredible, and to be present with them, watching them grow up and learn and progress in ways that so many of us never had the support or opportunity or help to be able to do, or learn or grow, and seeing them get that now, instead of being in crisis later, that way that so many of us have been, is just so powerful to me that it’s healing in and of itself in a way. Almost like it really makes a difference on some kind of tiny, tiny scale.
And also, at the same time, from a different perspective, when you spend four or five hours in a waiting room [laughs], because that is our life, and you see the therapist, and watch them all day, because you’re there as your family goes through, one at a time [laughs], just hanging out, not going to therapy [laughs], letting everyone else go to therapy [laughs]. Is it a great and noble sacrifice, or is it just evasive? [Laughs] It’s a fine line, you guys, it’s a really fine line.
But seriously, okay, I just want to say, watching those therapists all day, and just because I’m there with nothing to do but people watch, and seeing them come in and out, and in and out, and in and out, all day long, knowing that they are each someone’s everything is such a powerful thing to me. And, maybe we’re just sentimental because we miss the therapist, but it’s so powerful to me. And then watching the people in the waiting room -- like, I’m not trying to be a creeper and just stare, but I’m there [laughs], and I’m stuck.
And seriously, to see -- it’s a big office, so there’s a whole bunch of therapists, and they’re changing, and I’m there for a whole bunch of hours, and they’re changing people every hour or whatever. So, we saw a lot of people today. [Laughs] Not on purpose, not by bothering people -- trying really hard not to be intrusive, but right there in the middle of everything, and what are we supposed to do about that?
So, to see all of those people, all day long, coming in, because they’re trying so hard just to hold on…it was an amazing thing. And, it was just a powerful experience, I guess, of being present. Like, it was almost like sacred ground somehow. So, I know it was all kind of silly today, but just needing to debrief, and just needing to process what this day is like, and how crazy it is, in an environment where you’re trying to go to get help, and the environment itself is hard to get through [laughs] or navigate, when the fourth floor is really the third floor. No wait, it’s the other way, the third floor is really the fourth floor. It’s confusing, and it’s a lot of work.
So, I just want to say, “Keep trying, you guys. Get in there. Talk to somebody. Get help. You can do it. I know that you can, even though it’s super hard.” So, I’m going to make it one more time, like I’m practicing for five hours. Every time I drop off a child, I come back to the car and try to find my way back in. Because you don’t want to just abandon your child in there, you guys. [Laughs] Like, that’s some serious motivation to find your way back through the building. [Laughs]
So oh, my poor children. [Laughs] You guys, I don’t know what we’re doing to them. Uh, parenting. [Laughs] No, he’s in there talking about how awesome he is, which is true. So, it’s okay for me to talk about how I can’t find my way through the building, even though my 11 year old is awesome. Okay.
Okay, so, we’re going to go get him, and we’ll see if he wants to share. If he doesn’t want to share, by the way, I don’t make them share. They really like the podcast. They would be on the podcast all the time if I let them. That’s not cool, I’m not going to let that happen. But, sometimes, if they get to share something that they’ve learned, it really is very empowering to them, and they enjoy the experience, and they -- it only takes, like, two minutes, and they feel pretty special about sharing what they learn and helping other people. And, so, kind of even like for us, it’s a way that even they can fight stigma, a little bit, and expose themselves to sharing in healthy and appropriate ways, and reinforcing the things that they’re working on. So, we obviously don’t do this all the time, and I’m not at all trying to exploit them, or take all their time, or child labor, or anyting like that. But, those conversations, when they ask and they want to, which is what came up in the car on the way here. So, I’m totally okay with that, and if that’s a way we can bond, that’s cool, but no one ever, just again to document, no one ever has to talk on the podcast that doesn’t want to, whether that’s inside us or outside us. That’s just legit. And, so, that’s a thing.
Okay, I’m going to go get him, and we’ll see what he says. This is my day, you guys, if I can find my way and back out. Also, that feels kind of like a metaphor for therapy [laughs], just the building. If I can get all the way in, where I’m trying to go, and also find my way back out, then therapy would be way easier, because that’s the scary part. Right? You don’t want to get stuck there. So, a good therapist helps you find your way back out. Uh. Why do I do this to myself? [Laughs]
[Break]
[Discussion with another child]
Interviewer: Bold font
Interviewee: Standard font
Okay, I’ve got you back. How did it go?
It went amazing. I told her that I got my Harry Potter stuff back, and --
That’s awesome.
And, she was like, “What?!”
She was proud of you?
Yeah.
Does that feel good?
Yes, it does. And then not only did I say that, but also I told her that I get to go out for ice cream tonight.
Woohoo! Give me five.
[Hand clapping]
With my own dollars that I saved up.
I think anyone who saves up dollars, definitely should use them to buy ice cream.
Hmm. And, not only is it just like a vanilla shake, I’m going to Sonic with Papa, and we’re going to get these big tasty shakes.
Wow.
Tastes so good.
Do you know who taught me how to eat ice cream?
Um, you.
The therapist.
That’s good.
Isn’t that funny?
Yeah.
She took me for ice cream once. We ran across the street.
That’s so funny.
Pretty cool, huh?
It’s amazing.
So, did you learn anything today?
Um, yes, [clears throat] I learned that we need to be good, and also that I need to keep up the good work, and make good choices.
Woo hoo! Let’s go home, dude.
And have meatballs.
[Laughs] Meatballs for dinner, game on. Knuckles.
Bam.
Say, “Bye, everybody.”
Bye, everybody!
Say, “Have a good week.”
Have a good week!
[Laughs]
[Break for approximately 30 seconds]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.