ATTACHMENT

Sasha is back to update our listeners about the upcoming launch of our website and the podcast on iTunes. She gives insight into our relationship with the husband. She gets vulnerable, opening up about how it’s hard when we miss therapy sessions and why it’s hard to make new friends even when you know they are safe. She reveals we do have a runner, who has caused fugue states in the past. No abuse or memories are referenced or disclosed in this episode.

Taylor processes her stunned response to realizing even she is connecting with the therapist. She explores the experience of learning to trust, learning to stay put, and learning how to discern good help from those who take advantage. She shares about boundaries, and what that means in the context of dissociation and even for a system seeking support online. No abuse content is mentioned or referenced in this episode. There is background noise, as Taylor recorded while she was driving because it is one of the few times she fronts.

We speak again with Dr. Peter Barach, who teaches us all about attachment. He tells the story of being in class with Mary Ainsworth, and explains Bowlby’s theory (links in the blog). He explains the different attachment styles, and what that looks like in adults. He shares that disorganized attachment is quite common in DID. He gives the example of the Robertson research film “A Two Year Old Goes to the Hospital”. He then applies all of this to the context of trauma and multiplicity for some discussion - including suggesting that different alters have different attachment styles. There is a trigger warning for when discuss therapy boundaries, and how unresolved attachment issues play a role in unethical behavior of otherwise good therapists (and bad ones) - an example of a therapist diapering her adult clients is given. We also discuss ways to remain connected with your therapist between sessions, in good and safe ways that are healthy and contribute to healing attachment. Then we apply it internally, too, and explain why improving internal communication changes things so much - and how that heals attachment, too. He then ties this full circle to Dr. Daniel Brown’s theory of CPTSD, and how it’s caused by disorganized attachment followed by abuse later. He also references “Ghosts in the Nursery”. We apply what we learned our struggle through the last week, weather trauma, and efforts not to re-enact trauma.

Dr. E shares what she just learned about attachment from Dr. Crittenden, who is an upcoming guest on the podcast. She explains why it matters for trauma survivors, and how it changes everything in giving hope for healing and improved relationships. A few examples of the parent-child dynamic are given, including general references to abuse; however, no specific traumas are disclosed or discussed. Cutting and also persecutory alters are mentioned in passing reference as an issue with underlying attachment issues.

We speak with Kelly McDaniel, who coined the term Mother Hunger. She explains what this means, and how it is the earliest trauma and a disenfranchised grief. We discuss not having “permission” to talk about our mothers, much less work out mother trauma, which leaves us isolated from mothering and healing. In this, she is able to explain how and why dissociation starts in infancy - and what it is protecting us from exactly. Trigger warning for mother related content, and reference to the mother-baby dynamic, though no specific abuse stories are discussed.

We share the processing we have done following the Mother Hunger episode and the interview with Dr. Siegel. We share how understanding what Dissociation is actually helps us deal with both false beliefs from shame and the protective denial that comes with it. We explain how Dissociation isn’t just avoidance of what was bad, but avoidance of the realization we couldn’t do anything about it. This tells us, we learned, what the wall of terror is and how to get through it.

Dr. E shares her discovery of “Unshame”, a book by Carolyn Spring. She reads quotes from the powerful depiction of the therapeutic journey, including the intensity of emotion while trying to connect with a therapist. She shares the news that we may have to change therapists, and explains why, and references the struggle this could be if that’s what needs to happen. She discusses attunement again, connecting it back to the shame as frameworked in the book.

I tell you a (true) story. Trigger warning for mention of abuse and abuse dynamics, but examples only referenced in passing. No in depth discussion or detailed disclosures. Trigger warning also for mention of God.

Summary from ISSTD Conference session on attachment, suicidality, and dissociation. Trigger warning for reference to suicidality, but it is in no way discussed in content or any detail. Trigger warning also for in depth discussion and non-detailed examples of relational trauma. No abuse disclosures made in this episode.

We conclude our discussion about relational trauma by exploring what that looks like and how it applies to healing, parenting, relationships, and friendships. We explain how this expands the understanding of memory time, and the process by which it invades now time. This is different than incident specific trauma, and explains why grounding or content work isn’t enough for healing and orienting.