Podcast 4

Our guest is Jess from Multiplicity and Me.  They share a bit of their journey and diagnosis of DID and their advocacy work through a BBC Documentary and on their YouTube channel - including their 360 video project to give insight into what it’s like to experience alters.  We share some of our shared experiences, connections in the community, and views on identity and healing.  Links and videos mentioned in the podcast are available on the blog.

Lost Episode

We share about a therapy session where we learn about creating safe places inside. We also talk about trying to be more connected to our body.  We share about “containment”, which we are learning helps us hold things until our next therapy session.  Then we cheer ourselves up with your mail and emails!

We finally get to share the survey results from last year’s PPWC conference!  We had hoped for 100 responses, and ended up with more than 800!  Trigger warning for the monotonous report of numbers and percentages, as well as reference to some triggering content (such as the ACEs questionnaire).  You can read along on the blog or look at it there if that is easier.

We share our experience of arriving to the ISSTD Conference only to find out it had been cancelled.  We share about trying to get home quickly due to virus concerns in California.  We talk about our own quarantine since, and the impact of social distancing on survivors.

We podcast from San Francisco, getting ready for our first ISSTD conference.  We are getting ready to receive the award for the podcast.  We are also presenting the poster session from the Plural Positivity survey results.   We arrive just as the news is starting to talk about coronavirus, but before anyone really understands what it is.

We share our process in learning to take our own picture, which includes confronting triggers from the past.  We share the exposure therapy we did to prepare for the ISSTD conference.  Trigger warning for references to and statistics regarding Trafficking and Child Pornography.  No details are given and no abuse disclosures are made.

Sasha and Kassi run home to tell the Husband about the transfer call and our first experience with EMDR.  He calls us out for rejecting help and nurturing because of not understanding it is safe.  He also reminds us we can’t quit therapy just because we feel better, that it doesn’t mean we are finished.  Trigger warning for sexual reference, though it is neither explicit nor detailed.

Emma shares about processing news regarding our daughter’s health.  She shares about the phone call between the New Lady and The Therapist to officially transfer our case.  She (with Em) processes finally choosing to live here with the family, even though it meant changing therapists.  She shares an experience of consciousness and the memories of feeling safe with The Therapist.  This was our first experience with EMDR.  Trigger warning for mention of medical trauma, grief issues, and (anger at) God.

Emma shares about our birthday, including a visit from friends.  She tells the story of sharing this with the family therapist, who asked difficult questions.  Emma explains how difficult this was, but also how we handled it and what she learned from it.  Trigger warning for reference to abuse and foster care, but no disclosure are made and these are not discussed in depth.

Emma shares about her progress in therapy, including improvements in being able to face hard things in therapy with less dissociating but also compassion for herself when she does (and why she does).  She references flashbacks, but in a not scary way.  She shares about getting stronger as we expose ourselves to the trauma of the past.  No specific trauma are disclosed in this episode.  Trigger warning for reference to grief and feelings of loss.

We welcome Dave Berger to the podcast, to hear him explain about the physiological impact of trauma and how sensory experiencing helps.  He talks about how working within the context of the body, using touch safely or even without touch, brings healing by increasing our awareness and processing trauma physiologically.  He talks about why (safe and appropriate) physical connection is part of a full attunement experience.

After receiving a truth bomb text message from our best friend, we have to admit she is right.  We share what we are learning about “turning toward” instead of “turning away”, and reference Gottman’s work.  We discuss how this could be applied internally as well as externally, and review how receiving and initiating connections are both important - as well as simply making the choice to actively commit to staying connected (in good and safe relationships).

Emma shares about meeting the new therapist and deciding we have found a good fit. She also shares about when we met a friend from lunch, and learning to be more actively participating in friendship. She closes by playing “Fight Song” on cello.

We talk about “overt” and “covert” presentation of DID.  We explain the differences a bit, and talk about the difference between the internal and external perspectives of this.  We take it one step further, noticing the implication of needing to be more overt as part of authenticity but also the tension of covert feeling protective.

We read and respond to listener emails! Trigger warning for reference to the “October” episode and more processing about changing therapist. One reference to parts struggling with safety, but only in reading the listener question and responding with resources.

Significant trigger warning from this episode with our Guest Ellen Lacter, PhD, who studies ritual abuse.  She explains several different dissociative responses with some specific examples.  She defines extreme abuse and ritual abuse, with examples.  She explains the distinction between these and trafficking.  She clarified why it is more accurate to reference child pornography as “production of child rape and torture materials”. She is explains why the term “organizational abuse” is inadequate.  Programming and mid control are also discussed, with examples, including new alters created by abusers, as well as how it undone by making it conscious.  She talks about her research into helping these survivors, as well as sharing ways to reach out for help and find a therapist available to help with these issues.  As specific examples of extreme abuse are given, please consciously and intentionally care for yourself during and after listening to this episode, and keep yourself safe during and after listening.

Sasha shares about us going back to therapy.  She laughs about the funny impacts of agoraphobia, as well as new triggers as we adjust to our surroundings.  We talk about safety being important so that now time really can be safe.   We talk about Her, who is Me, who is Not Me, us collectively.  Taylor starts to shift, so Dr. E intervenes to talk about safety and coming out.  We finish with some sensitive journaling that was a big breakthrough for us.  Trigger warning for references to God, organization abuse, ritual, the devil, blood, and abusers.  However, no abuse disclosures are made or details given.

Lost Episode

Sasha shares about what it’s like taking the family of eight to therapy each week - and why it’s so hard to get ourselves into therapy.  Two of the children share what they learned about anger.  One shares his excitement about making progress.

Trigger warning for an emotionally intense episode.  Kassi and Taylor have big feelings, which Kassi thinks she can vent on the podcast but the emotions spill over.  We also realize that our children’s ages have suddenly become a new trigger.  This leads to flashbacks, ending the episode before we can finish what we were going to share.  Please care for yourself during and after the episode if your choose to listen to this episode.

Dr. E shares an article she found that explains integration and differentiation as a normal part of healthy development.  She quotes a few pieces of the article to explain ego states, as well as explore how these concepts are defined.  This leads her to an insight about all of us being a part a greater Me, even the parts that are not-me.

LOst Episode

Emma shares about meeting with friends to share an experience, which she’s never done before.  She talks about how that went and how she pulled it off and what was hard.  She also shares some of the things she learned in the process of it, and new memories that surfaced because of the safety of that experience.  Trigger warnings for reference to child loss.

This episode is the second part of the previous episode, continuing the conversation with the husband during a visit between deployments. In this episode, he shares about his experience with EMDR and how it helped with his clarity of thought and his depression. His framework gives insights into our discussion about co-consciousness and increased awareness.

We talk with the husband between deployments, processing a bit about some internal changes in regards to increased co-consciousness and changing therapists. We also talk about the pull between connecting with friendships and disconnecting when what feels safe feels hard. Trigger warning for reference to Christmas and to God, but only in context to the time of year in passing. There is also a reference to being trapped and a mention of blood, but only in passing as part of a poem. There are also explicit statements, without any details or further disclosure, as part of the poem.

We give system updates and answer emails from listeners. Trigger warning for references to integration, missing the therapist, and system issues including differing faith systems and friendships and therapist struggles.

We welcome Pam Stavropoulos, PhD. She shares about her work with the Blue Knot Foundation in Australia, and changes in the field since 2012 and the addition of CPTSD as a diagnosis with ICD11. She discusses in depth the research behind the new Practice Guidelines for Clinical Treatment of Complex Trauma just released at the end of 2019.

JohnMark (with Sarah) talks about changing therapists, noticing changes in the system, and preparing to start talking about hard things from memory time (not just who and what in now time).

Lost Episode

We talk with the (outside) children about their experience of us being gone for almost three months. They talk a little bit about their understanding of our work in war zones and disaster sites. Then they talk about my new Plural shirt, and explore what it might mean. They talk about parts of themselves in a general sense, and how they negotiate what meets their needs. Our own abuse comes up in context of triggers, which they only know in general in context of their own foster experiences. They close with sharing what we learned in 2019, and what we hope for in 2020. They wrap up with a song at the end. Trigger for reference to abuse, with the specific examples mentioned above, and children singing at the end.

We share about a book we randomly found on our trip home. It is old enough it uses “MPD” instead of DID”, but there were some bits of information that were interesting and helpful. Emma shares about her progress in therapy over the last three years, including some co-consciousness starting to happen. Trigger warning for talk about abuse and neglect (no specific examples given or disclosed), and mention of parental drug abuse.

Sasha talks about the system saying goodbye to the therapist as we transition to a local therapist instead of driving four hours one way each time. Then she shares about our bizarre experiences in an AirBnB on Thanksgiving, including several triggers. Trigger warning for references to changing therapists, Thanksgiving, skulls, pornography, and trafficking; however, no in-depth disclosures are made and no specific abuse details are discussed.

Molly shares a metaphor from the New Testament that Emma has adapted to be able to think clearly and sort big feelings, so that we can make plans and decisions as a team. There is a trigger warning for the New Testament story being referenced, but only in passing to explain where Emma got the questions. Em and others react to realizing the grief that is going to be part of the experience of changing therapists due to family circumstances.

Dr. E shares her discovery of “Unshame”, a book by Carolyn Spring. She reads quotes from the powerful depiction of the therapeutic journey, including the intensity of emotion while trying to connect with a therapist. She shares the news that we may have to change therapists, and explains why, and references the struggle this could be if that’s what needs to happen. She discusses attunement again, connecting it back to the shame as frameworked in the book.