GETTING ORIENTED

Emma herself speaks up about what her experience of DID is like, and how she writes about it in her journals. She shares about being in therapy, what it’s like to lose time, and how she struggles to understand what is going on. She opens up through her journal, talking specifically about what it’s like to have nightmares and flashbacks. This discussion is very vivid in its experience of what it is like to have nightmares and flashbacks, but no actual memory content or any specific abuse is mentioned.

Emma takes time to ponder therapy and what she has learned so far about the others and dissociation. She mentions hearing the Littles. She shares her experience of losing time. She considers what she would talk about in therapy if she could stay present for her own turn. She references medical trauma with her children, her deceased parents, opioid addiction, and cancer. However, no specifics are given and no abuse history or memories are shared.

Emma checks in, continuing to share her struggle with lost time and dissociation and learning about the DID diagnosis. She also shares an emotional story of how this can impact everyday life. This story includes a description of being afraid, experiencing anxiety, and some flashbacks, but no content or abuse memories are given. There is brief mention in passing that this holiday season is stressful and triggering, but nothing else is expanded upon in that reference.

In this episode, the new word is co-consciousness. After a year of therapy, the three Emmas have had some breakthroughs that help them be more present with each other and more aware of what is happening between the three of them. Emma Z’s story includes running away from family at 17 and early diagnosis in college. Emma T then found herself in another country, speaking another language, and enduring a series of volatile relationships with alcoholics. Emma S found a safe place with the husband while trying to reconcile family she didn’t remember. Here they tell their story of how putting this timeline together, working on common goals for safety, and improving communication led them a year later to this new experience of co-consciousness, which is explained using article three from Power to the Plurals. While the context of Emma’s background is mentioned in those respects, no graphic or specific memories or abuse are shared in this episode. One experience of our journals being mailed back to the parents by a bad and unlicensed counselor is told.

Em opens up again, this time with her struggle to understand the system - including things like boy alters and littles. She shares about seeing the therapist, learning to communicate with the others inside, fighting to stay present with the children, and what she has learned about triggers. There is a trigger warning again for emotional content and for medical trauma as she shares some of the current experiences with our daughter, but no abuse memories are disclosed or referenced beyond identifying triggers in now time. Em shares about meeting a new therapist for group, to get support with other parents of medically fragile children, and how it’s difficult to work on past issues when current issues are already so difficult.

Emma shares an update that she is sleeping more, and not having as many nightmares. She also tells examples of being more present and more aware of her life. She gives an example of a simple mistake where she was able to deal with it instead of panicking or switching. She gives another example of being able to stay present on a run on a trail through the woods when some of the Littles wanted to play (some animals, including a snake, sited and referenced). She shares about being more aware of the others, too, and some of the times she has noticed them. She reflects on re-orienting to her physical body a decade later and post-cancer, and what that adjustment has been like recently. She shares how a simple walk outside is a big deal for her, and why it means therapy is working. No abuse memories are discussed or disclosed in this episode.

Emma shares homework from group, and what she is learning about self-help skills. She shares about grounding, breathing, imagery, relaxation, and strategies for coping with triggers. She shares about her experience with triggers, and flashbacks, and body memories (only that these happen as part of the DID experience, not any specific memory examples given). She talks about how she has noticed some triggers cause her to lose time, while other triggers give her feelings or flashbacks. She identifies some specific examples of triggers for our system (having our picture taken, things in our mouth like at the dentist), and how sometimes she is aware that she has been triggered but she doesn't know what the trigger was. She shares a story of being triggered by controlled pasture burns last night as we drove home from therapy. She shares another example of a trigger in a story about a time some workers were standing by the elevators when she was trying to get up to the therapist's office. She discusses imagery, and how this can be helpful sometimes, but also can make her more dissociative than she was to start with instead of more grounded. She then shares an experience from therapy yesterday, where didn't know she was at therapy but could hear the therapist reassuring her from far away, and then ultimately connected with The Attic internally for the first time. She shares her goal of just going to therapy, and staying present all the way into her office even if she can't stay for a whole session. She writes her relaxation script about being safe.

Emma opens up about the ways Mother’s Day has been difficult in the past (trigger warning for references to miscarriages, deceased parents, infertility, and abuse dynamics). These issues are only referenced, not described in detail. She then shares that this year she is focusing instead on the things she has learned from the therapist, and she gives a list of ten.

Emma shares about her therapy session, in which she learned about how now time triggers memory time. She shares what she learned about how this happens through sensory input. Trigger warning for trigger talk, acknowledgment of abuse, and examples of triggers from the therapist’s office (door slamming and footsteps in the hall). These are discussed without any abuse details or disclosures.

We speak with Kelly McDaniel, who coined the term Mother Hunger. She explains what this means, and how it is the earliest trauma and a disenfranchised grief. We discuss not having “permission” to talk about our mothers, much less work out mother trauma, which leaves us isolated from mothering and healing. In this, she is able to explain how and why dissociation starts in infancy - and what it is protecting us from exactly. Trigger warning for mother related content, and reference to the mother-baby dynamic, though no specific abuse stories are discussed.

Emma shares about a difficult session in therapy. She faces her past, that DID developed because of trauma. She talks about learning to get to know the others, rather than just information about them. There are ducks and geese in the background, and she is interrupted by a tornado siren (we are safe).

I tell you a (true) story. Trigger warning for mention of abuse and abuse dynamics, but examples only referenced in passing. No in depth discussion or detailed disclosures. Trigger warning also for mention of God.

We have come up with new “rules” to help us remember what we have learned over the past year. New phase of therapy. New rules for life. New us.

We share what we discussed in therapy, about processing election week experiences. We talk about realizing we can’t avoid pain, because someone always has to deal with it or handle it. We talk about learning how there’s a world beyond trauma, like the perspectives of different dimensions. We give the geometry of those, and explain why it matters that we connect with others - even though it is scary. Trigger warnings for mention of guns, reference to a house fire, discussion of flashbacks, and math.

We offer The Community recap of the Healing Together Conference.

We watched the movie “Encanto” together in group, then discussed it through a DID framework.

We discuss the movie “Turning Red”, and apply it to DID.

We discuss the movie “Turning Red”, and apply it to DID.

We share about a difficult weekend that coincided with a challenging date, and how we handled that… and how Zoomies happened on accident!

We discuss an “inner child” chapter from the book Leaving the Fold.