Transcript: Episode 28
Ask An Alter!
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Interviewer: bold font
Interviewee: standard font
Okay, so I’m talking to my friend Julie today who is my homegirl and is as crazy as me and I’m her favorite. Right? You only love me?
Um...sure, with fingers crossed.
[Laughs]
So, we are doing questions. She has collected ‘Ask the Alter’ questions, which the reason we’re calling it that is because it’s a thing on Youtube.
[Laughs]
So far we have learned that in the DID community, there are lots of people who do Youtube videos, which is kind of cool. Also, kind of not. [Chuckles] There are lots of people who do really good videos and they’re amazing. We are not cool enough to be on Instagram. We are not...don’t have a lifestyle to where we can just hang out and watch Youtube videos. So, that’s not us. But, one of the things that they do is an ‘Ask an Alter’ edition or like a video. What do you call it? A video? Just a video?
Well, they do an ‘Ask an Alter’ video, but unlike us who don’t look presentable for viewing at this present time…
[Laughs]
[Laughs] They actually go through the effort to take the shower and do the makeup and look all cute and do their videos. Whereas we are real in our own way and so…[Laughs]. So, we do us and us is a listening podcast for our listeners. I’m saying ‘ours’ like they’re mine, but they’re really yours.
The Youtube queens are pretty fancy at what they do, and we are not so much. We are talkers and we’re here to talk. [Chuckles]
Yeah, we are. We are talkers.
So, people have asked questions and we are going to answer them. Well, I’m going to answer them today. Unless my food gets delivered, because we haven’t eaten today. [Laughs]
And it’s important that everybody gets to eat. So, we are making sure that happens, because we have to take care of the body.
Well, we have to take care of the body, but we don’t want everybody to eat, because that would be too much food. [Laughs]
[Laughs] You’re so silly. You know what I meant.
Okay, questions. Go!
Okay, so the first one says, “Why does your website include Multiple personality Disorder and not just DID?
Oh, that’s like a simple thing. It’s because we know that Dissociative Identity Disorder is what it’s called now, but a lot of other people don’t know. And so in search engines they still search for Multiple Personality Disorder. So, it’s in parenthesis in the heading of the podcast only because...so that it will show up in search engines.
Okay, so this was a question to the system, but I’m going to take it and if I’m wrong...being the mama bear that I am...if I’m wrong or if I need to be tweaked, you can correct it. Okay, so it says, “Why don’t you talk more about your littles? What are the names of your littles?” So, here’s how it is…
[Laughs]
Okay, so the littles...the littles are really what they are...littles. They are little people and little people can be exploited, okay? Those of you who are parents, you don’t take your kid to Wal-Mart at five or six years old, drop them off on aisle 9 and be like, “Catch you later.”
[Laughs]
That’s the best way I can put it. So, in order for the system, and I say that with quotes in the air, to be protected, we don’t let the littles come out in podcasts. We don’t have the littles on social media. It’s just like how you would treat your kid. And me being a friend of the system would feel some kind of way if one of my sweet littles, and we’ll use John as an example, were to come out and get exploited on whatever social media platform you choose to use that pretty day [chuckles], and I would feel some kind of way. And we would have a real issue, because I would be upset and you would upset my friend and my friend’s system, who are all my friends. And that would be an issue. Does that cover it?
Wow. I feel like you’re feeling kind of protective there. [Laughs]
Well, I kind of am, because you’re my friend, right? You and each...you and everybody in the system, whether they know it or not, they’re my friend. So…
Protective and intrusive. No, so, absolutely right. They’re children and it’s just not safe. Everything you said was right. The only thing I would add is that also, some are just not in the present time. They’re not oriented enough to be in the present and so they can’t really consent to that, because they don’t really know what’s going on. So, if that changed in the future or something, then we would just readdress it differently. But, I just don’t feel that we can’t...I mean they can’t really consent to that, because they can’t understand and they’re not in the present time. But also, the other piece of that I totally forgot..[chuckles]
Well, also the other piece of that is that some of them are trauma bound, I guess is the word you could use. And so, they’re still living trauma. So, we’re not going to put them on display when they’re already having their own challenges at this present time. It’s like I said at the beginning of the analogy, you don’t go to Wal-Mart and drop your kid off in aisle 9 and tell them, “I’ll meet you at checkout in an hour.” Okay?
Right, and so that’s the thing. Part of the podcast originally totally started out as educational, because we don’t have time to sit and watch Youtube videos very often. And so, they’re amazing and helpful and that’s good, but we needed a podcast that we could listen to on the move and there were some episodes, but not a lot of ongoing stuff. And so we started it to learn and it’s supposed to be all nerdy in the beginning, but it very quickly became a way to communicate with each other and to learn from each other and so we have opened it up a lot more than we thought and there’s a lot of self-disclosure, but it’s limited to the specific things we’re working on and being open about. And the stories and the trauma’s for the littles are just not part of that. It’s not necessary.
It has really good boundaries, and it’s not necessary to document it as part of it. Right. Yeah.
I totally concur, as your friend.
Well, thank you for your approval. We may move onto the next question. Thanks! You’re welcome for my approval.
[Laughs]
Okay, um…[Laughs]. What are some of your food drama’s? Different preferences? Different whatevers? Peeps, they put?
Our food dramas? Oh!
Yeah, I would say like,who has a favorite food of what? Like Dr. E, I can’t speak for her, but obviously she’s a vegetarian.
Yeah, gross.
Yeah, I’m right there with you girlfriend. You can serve that broccoli with my steak. Go ahead.
I think I’m pretty picky on what I like to eat. Dr. E is a vegetarian, like you said. And then I guess we all have different favorites. So, I don’t feel like it’s a very complicated question. Just like different people.
Let’s see. In our other friend John, he likes chips and salsa, if you listen to the podcast. Anybody knows that. Dr. E.’s a vegetarian, so she gets down with the broccoli.
[Laughs]
[Laughs] She’s going to kill me later for saying that, but it’s okay.
Yeah...she’s just...
I still love her. I say it with all love.
That’s funny.
What about Emma?
Um...I don’t know...I think she makes healthy food for the kids, but not vegetarian stuff like Dr. E. But, she makes soups and stews and rice and…
So, Emma gets down with the beef too, right?
With the what?
With the beef. She likes a little cow on her plate.
She makes chicken and salmon and things like that.
Okay, so she’s healthy, but she’s just not me. [Laughs] We’re going to be in so much trouble. Let me just preface too and say that I love everybody in the system and I love them all equally and they all bring something to the table and I have a different relationship with all of them. So, I love them all equally and that’s going to be that and that’s all I’m going to say and I hope they hear it. Okay.
Oh my goodness. This is not therapy.
I know, but I feel obligated to say that crap because I don’t want to offend my other friends.
You can be snarky about Dr. E. and then try to make up for it.
Whatever! Queen of Snark!
[Laughs] Okay, next question.
There’s a question here about conference. Do you want to tell them about the conference in case they haven’t listened before, before I ask this question?
About what conference?
Oh my goodness, come on now girlfriend. You know, The Infinite Mind conference that’s in Florida.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, we’re getting ready to go to a conference. It is our first conference to go to. It is the...I don’t remember the people [chuckles.] That’s bad, because we’re
Power to the Plurals!
We’re a sponsor and I can’t...Dr. E did that. I plead for mercy, because Dr. E did that and she’s sponsoring something at the conference.
It’s Power to the Plurals. Isn’t it Power to the Plurals or Crisses is doing it?
Well, the Crisses are speaking there and Sara Clark will be there, but Dr. E sponsored something. Anyway, it’s called The Healing Together conference and it’s in Orlando in two weeks and it’s about DID.
Yes, and it’s awesome. Okay, so they wanted to know...this listener wanted to know...when you go to the conference, will you be going to any of the character dinners?
No, we will not, because they’re in Disney and so there are people who want to either go to Disney part of the time while they’re there or go to one of those breakfast’s where the characters from Disney come to visit. And yes, John or some of the others would think that was very cool. Not all of the littles think it would be cool, but I actually have a phobia to mascott’s and so I don’t like to go, because I really have issues. So, the Disney people really freak me out. [Laughs] So, going to Orlando is actually an issue for us. [Laughs]
[Laughs] But it’s okay. You know why? Because not everybody can do the same things, okay? Whether you’re a system or not. It’s like clowns. Some people can’t be around clowns. I’m not...you won’t see me at that movie. I’m not watching that, and I don’t have one coming over for our birthday party either.
That’s funny.
So, no thanks to clowns, but I’m just saying. Okay, so the listeners are probably wondering, how you came across your crazy friend Julie. So, why don’t you tell them how that happened, Sasha.
So, the part of it I remember is that we were trying to find some legit support groups online and weed out the ones that were creepy. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
I appreciated some of the comments that you left, so we talked back and forth a little bit. I messaged you and you were really authentic and I appreciated that because I am pretty blunt and pretty out there. And so you were fun and we had a good time. But also you were legit. You weren’t fake people. You weren’t drama people. You were just you, and I appreciated that.
Oh gosh, I love you every day, more and more. Okay, I’m not allowed to talk about love anymore and how I love my friend. Um...because it creeps her out. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
But just know going forward that I adore her. She’s one of my favorite people to talk to. Oh my goodness!
So, I’m so glad she’s my friend and all of them are my friend. Although there may be one or two that deny it. [Laughs] Because they’re just my people, every single one of them. I like them all for different reasons.
Oh my goodness. Stop.
And…
I have to tell you this. Listen!
Okay!
This guy who delivered the food was like twelve and you should have seen how fast he threw the food at me. Like ah! I can’t go to a hotel room with a woman. [Laughs]
Look! I used to work in a hotel when I was in highschool and they were like, don’t go in the rooms.
Well, legit, right? And I wouldn’t do it. I could never do that job. Never, ever would I do it. But, it was so funny to see it from the outside, because he was like...threw my food from across the hallway. [Laughs] And he was gone before I could even say “thank you” and he was running down the hall and he was like…[inaudible noise] [Laughs]. That was funny. Okay, sorry, next question.
Okay, so last week my friends, John and John Mark, did a podcast. But here’s a question, before we get into their podcast and what I found so absolutely awesome about that besides the fact that they did one. John Mark, so is there a John and a John Mark or is it John Mark?
I will pass.
Okay, so then that leads me to the question, we had a listener who sent a wonderful question asking how many adults you have in the system?
Oh my goodness. We tried to figure this out before, right? So, Emma, we’re going to count all three of them, Emma Z, Emma T, and Emma S. So three Emma’s and me, that’s four. Taylor is five. Dr. E is six. The Mom is seven. And then there are two others that I know of that I can’t say their names right now. So, that’s nine that I’m aware of.
Are you including John in that?
No.
Why not?!
He’s not a grownup.
But, he’s been in the system longer than you, right?
[inaudible]
[Laughs] Don’t be hating just because he came first.
You didn’t say number of years they were around. You said grownups. Okay well, technically grownups, then we’ve got what? Nine?
That I am aware of.
Okay.
There’s another one that I know of that I try to ignore, but actually there’s some stuff going down there. So, I think she’s going to be on the podcast soon actually.
Oh, really? Do I know her?
No.
Oh, well that will be exciting. Can’t wait! Woot woot! More friends.
[Laughs]
Okay, now I’m like, “I get more friends! This is great!” Okay, but it’s really not, but it really is, because one more friend I can hang out with. If Sasha doesn’t want to deal with me one day, she can pass me off to another one and we get along just fine too. Isn’t that right, girlfriend?
[Laughs] Okay, next question.
Okay, so let’s see. Somebody, a listener, wanted to know how do you take turns fronting?
We don’t? [Laughs] Okay, so it’s kind of hard in some ways, because we’re not always able to do it on purpose. Some people can do that really well, because they’re co-conscious and all that stuff that we’re learning about. We’re not that
advanced. Part of it is that we are still very- I don’t know the right words- like Dr. E could tell you the words. But when something happens on the outside, then we know who needs to deal with that and that just gets triggered. I don’t know how it works, but other things
It’s just a trigger response. Right.
Okay, fancy pants. So, the other thing is that Dr. E can do her work in the morning and I don’t care, because I’m still sleeping late. Which, I appreciate. But then when it’s time for her work to be done, then I can come hang out and play. But, I get antsy or whatever when she’s working too long or going on too much and I don’t get out in time. Because then the kids come home and I don’t want to take
care of the kids after school. I mean, they’re cool and everything and I can mess with them and stuff, but I don’t like to take care of them. I don’t know what to do.
You don’t want to do mom duty. You don’t want to do like the mom duties like cooking the lunch, cleaning
There’s so many of them and they’re so loud and they need so much and I just can’t do it. And so then I can just go hang out and The Mom can go do that. So, how that works I don’t really know the answer to that.
Well, and I think too though, just to put on my Dr. E cap for just a second, minus the good words, would be to say too that everybody in the system has a job.
Yeah.
And that isn’t under your description. So, [chuckles] we let mom handle the mom job, because that’s under her description and that’s what she does.
Yeah, and if there’s someone who’s like in charge of making that happen, I don’t know about it. If there is, then that’s fine. Like you told me about some systems that have someone who does that.
That’s a different thing though.
See! I don’t know. I don’t know, because I just learned about it today from you. Someone who like specifically that’s their job to push a switch or a lever or a button and make that person take care of it, then I don’t know who that is. If there’s not, then I still don’t know how it works.
What we were talking about in regards to fronting, what happens in regard to the littles when a situation comes up that we can’t have them out and about, you know? Coming fronting. And I was telling you about how various systems have described it like they have a gatekeeper.
Oh, we were talking about Taylor and that she went to therapy and I didn’t know about it until I heard it on the podcast. How did she do that? Because I didn’t even know it happened. And I don’t think she’s ever been before, so it was like a big deal, but she did it all sneaky like.
She was a rockstar! I’m so proud of that girl. If I could hand out my own badges- as a matter of fact, I have already started handing out badges to y’all.
[Laughs]
Because I love that idea so much and so when I heard that she was out on the podcast-I mean out with the therapist- doing therapy and being involved and engaged and putting in her two cents, I was like, “You go on, girlfriend. Rockstar. Rock on.” Like I almost couldn’t stand myself, because I was so happy. But what got us talking about it was because John got nosey and he’s not really nosey, he’s mischievous -
He’s a spy. He’s a spy. He’s a little spy.
I love him too. Okay, so anyway. Don’t get me started, because if you start on them, I’m going to have start telling you that I love them. I don’t want to do that.
He is always saying that, “I love all of you.”
Yeah. Snooze. Whatever. [Laughs] I’m here now and you love me. And that’s right, I do. I love you. Okay, so anyway, we were talking about gatekeepers, because you were like, “Well, I didn’t know she did that”, and so on and so forth. And I was telling you, because the podcast was up and I don’t know if it was you I was talking to that night or if it was Emma. And you told me, or one of you told me you were scared to go listen to the podcast.
That would be Emma. She’s a little chicken.
Okay, Emma, who I love and adore too.
Bak bak bak. Big old chicken.
Yeah, well, but once I broke her down - you know, because I always listen to the podcast regardless, even if I want to grab a pillow and go to sleep, because there’s only been one that I was like, oh I’m tired. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
I can sleep now. Only one, but we won’t say who did that one. And we won’t say which one it was, but I still listened to it, but I was like, “Oo, I’m ready for bed now.”
That’s funny. I know which one it was.
I bet you do. I bet you’re going to revel in it later. But anyway, John was talking about how Taylor had come forward to meet with the therapist and I had told Emma like that is a rockstar move that she did that, because I know that she was really adverse to talking to her and I was trying to figure out - because you were like, I didn’t know she talked to the therapist. So obviously we were talking about Taylor having some super hero skills, able to put everybody, block everybody out from seeing outside or being co-conscious, but she’s not such a super hero that she could block my friend John, because he was able to watch the whole thing with popcorn in hand.
Because he’s a little spy.
I love him. Anyway, we were talking about that and I was asking you how you are able okay well, let’s go back- in the house, right? Because you all have said in previous podcasts that you live in the house, right? In various, two different houses, kind of divided up is my understanding. Is that correct?
Yes.
Okay. And of course there’s a beautiful field near the woods, right? Yeah.
I was asking you to describe your spot in the inner world.
Hey, what if that guy wasn’t really creeped out by me being in the hotel room? What if he’s just poor and trying to make money? And if he hurries up and leaves my room, he can hurry up and get the next order? Like beat somebody else to it and makes more money? What if he’s just working hard?
Well, while I appreciate your deflection, and that’s not what we’re talking about, I’m going to humor it.
[Laughs]
[Laughs] See, you’re making me be like the therapist and Dr. E and I just am not trying to do that. Okay, so since you’re deflecting, yes that’s perfectly plausible too, because you only gave him $1 on a $20 tab. I’m sure he’s looking to go recoup those funds since he’s probably only making a waiter salary.
I tipped him 20%. I did not only give him a dollar.
I’m just guessing, because that’s just what some people do in hotels and I got to tell you that’s not right.
That’s not right. I totally believe in food karma.
Well, okay, enough deflection for you missy. So, tell us about your spot in the inner world.
Wait, what was the question?
Oh, you are so deflecting. Okay, so in the inner world there are two houses, the woods, and the pasture, correct?
Yes.
Okay. And you’re in one of the two houses and I’m assuming it’s the parent’s house. Is that correct?
Yes.
And like Dr. E is at the neighbor’s house in the office.
The library. Boring.
Whatever. Same difference. Boring? It’s not like we’re going to put a disco ball in it. [Laughs]
Anyway.
Can we please? Please, can we? Oh my goodness. Please can we do that? I am doing that for April Fools.
Oh, I would die if I could be ant man and crawl into the body, into the inner world, just so I could see the disco ball in the middle of the room.
[Laughs]
I’m so down for that. Anyway. So, we were talking about, you’re going to tell us about your spot in the inner world, like your room.
Oh, my room is in the attic. Is that what you mean? My room is in the attic. God, you got a lot of people living up in that damn attic. Okay, go ahead. It’s a big attic.
Apparently.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Don’t make fun of my attic, man. You can’t be my friend and make fun of my attic.
I’m like, I love it and I don’t mind and I’m not judging, but the sarcastic humor side of me, it’s like sardines in a sardine can. How many people can we fit in the attic?
[Laughs]
Like somebody threw them in the chimney.
It’s bigger on the inside.
[Laughs] I know. Okay, I’m going to get in so much trouble with the listeners. Next question.
Okay, so anyway, tell us about your room in the inner world in the attic. Pass.
Whatever, that is an easy one. Like you’ve got a bed, right? Or are you rocking a couch?
Pass.
Okay, fine. Now, let’s see. So, we talked about the inner world. Oh, where do you like to go in the inner world?
Oh, wait! I know what you were asking. You were asking - I remember now. I’m sorry. We were talking about it before about fronting and I can see what is happening outside the body if I look out the attic windows.
Oh, you want to talk about that now? Okay, so, yes. I was talking because we had somebody ask too about how do you get to the front? And I had kind of said well, if you’re co-conscious- like some people talk about their systems, right? And how their systems like - I know one who says that they have the viewing room right, they can go in the room and it’s like looking at like a huge Imax movie screen, right? And they can see what’s going on back on the outside world, right? That’s like their definition of co-con. So, I was asking you, how do you facilitate that?
I don’t know who else can do it. I just know it’s always been a thing and there’s like - oh, I already lost the word again. Like a hope chest or a cedar chest or something that is under these two windows that are slanted up on the slat roof and I can -
Oh, like dormers! They’re like dormer windows.
They’re what?
They’re called dormer windows, I think.
What? How do you know the words for everything? You freak me out. Because I’m your favorite friend and that’s what I do. I help you be smart. I didn’t even know that there was a word for it.
Yeah, I think that they’re called dormers. Well, I can’t help it. My dad did real estate for 20 years so…
Wow. Well, yeah, that’s how I can look out and if I get really close and look out and pay attention, then that’s how I can get out front.
Okay, so like you don’t have to pop the window open and put your hand out?
No, that would be weird.
[Laughs] Okay, so if you want to come to the front, you get on the hope chest, you look out the dormer window and you just lean in really close and then you’re out front?
Yeah. I can hang back and just watch too.
Right, which makes you awesome. God, you’re a super hero. Okay, so you can just hang back and watch, just look out the window, or you can put your nose up to it and then you’re out front?
Yeah.
Okay now what about when you want to come back? Like if you want to go back into the inner world?
Um...I just go to sleep. [Laughs] I just like to sleep. I sleep a lot.
Okay, so the way that you go back into the inner world is because usually you’re out at night and so when you go to bed, you’re back where you need to be.
Yeah.
So we had talked about how like Dr. E likes her office time in the library. Uh huh. Boring!
Right. Snooze! But hey, she’s bringing home the bacon so we’re going to let her do what she’s got to do, because that’s her thing. And she’s good at it.
It’s true.
Yeah. She’s a rockstar. God love her. When she’s done with her work, do you just know? Or do you set an alarm in the inner world that says, “Oh, hey! Her job’s over at 5 and it’s my turn?”
Well, here’s what’s cool is that she gets up really early, and I sleep late. So she works from like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning until around noon. And then I wake up around noon. Not by an alarm clock. I just...when I wake up, I wake up.
So, when she wakes up at like 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, does that mean that the body is up too? Or is she just sitting in the library doing her thing?
The body is up too.
Oh my god. So, don’t you feel tired?
But, what she can do is like in the library, her lectures and her research and stuff, if she can read it when she’s out in the body, like whatever she has to research or whatever, however that goes, then she can remember what she saw and remember what she read and she can type it up and organize it and get it all ready inside, in her library. And then when it’s her turn out again, then she can type it up on the computer.
That is a killer skill. That’s super hero skills there.
Boring!
No! But think about what has to happen. That’s like photographic memory, right? So, she’s got to come out. She’s got to read all that crap, right? She’s got to do all her stuff on the outside, then goes back in, does it, and then comes back out. She’s doing it like three times.
I don’t know. Boring! Next question.
Okay. What do you think the biggest misconceptions about DID are as a person who is living with DID? And listen, before you answer that, people are probably going to give crap because I refer to you as a person and everybody in the system as a person, but that’s because to me you are, because I have three-dimensional relationships with all of you to some extent.
Right.
Right? So, to me you’re just a whole bunch of friends in one and which makes you extra awesome. And so I think of you as people and not like alters or whatever, because I feel like it’s more respectful to think of you as people rather than alters. I don’t know. Maybe that’s wrong.
So, there are like three things I want to say all at the same time. And I don’t know if I can.
Okay, go ahead.
One is something from what you just said and I don’t know the answers and we can come back to it later and talk about it more if you want, but I’ll need to get all three things out or I’ll lose them.
I know, that’s why I’m letting you talk. Go.
Okay, the first thing is that it’s funny when you say that because I understand, and not everybody does...I understand that we share the body, okay? So, I get that. But it’s funny when people say to me about other people being in me, because there’s no one in me.
Right.
I know we share the body, but there’s no one in me, but there are people in Taylor. So, is that a thing? Because I don’t know if we should tell the therapist that or how that works.
Um..I would definitely tell the therapist that, but you know.
I’m not tattling on Taylor nothing.
Why are y’all so scared of Taylor?
So, the other two things to answer the first question is that like the two things that I think people confuse most about DID are either that we’re crazy or that we are bad. Because we’re not crazy or bad. But, everyone thinks that and it’s really frustrating and it’s really shaming and that’s not fair, because we’ve already been through a bunch of stuff and we don’t need to go through more stuff just because other people are uncomfortable with it.
Or don’t understand or have some predisposed stigma to something that they don’t understand.
Right.
I agree with that. I say people as like when I say people as in, you’re my people, John’s my people, whatever, Emma’s my people. And I understand whole heartedly and without reservation that you’re not actual people. Does that make sense?
I’m a people. You’re a people.
Right. But, you’re still my people and you’re still a person to me because you have a complete personality and mindset and thought process and whatever, right? And you do people things. Sure, you have to share a body.
Ugh!
That’s a dang convenience I’m sure for everybody involved. But still, you’re still a person to me. Does that make sense? Or is that offensive?
It makes sense.
The conversations I have with you aren’t necessarily...like the conversations that I would have with the quote unquote alter Sasha, right? Are not the conversations that I would have with the quote unquote alter John. John and I are going to talk about macaroni and cheese, because that’s what we do. That’s how we roll. Right?
[Laughs]
You and I are going to talk crap about whatever. Whether it be slide a little shade on somebody who is still important and very wonderful to talking smack about something else, because that’s what we do and that’s our personality because we’re sassy. Right?
Okay.
And then there’s my conversation that I would have with Emma, which would be totally different from a conversation with you or with John. Because with Emma I would have conversations on mom things, because that’s what she does. BEcause mom things aren’t what you do. You do what I do when I’m not being a mom.
If you talk to Emma the way that you talk to me, I think Emma would pass out. [Laughs]
That too. She’s really proper and you’re like my people, because we can talk smack.
Okay, next question.
Okay yeah, we’re on a tangent. That’s certainly going to get all edited out I’m sure. [Laughs] Okay, so this question will come eventually if it hasn’t come yet. Can you describe what you look like for the listeners? Like do you look like what the body looks like or do you look a different way?
I am younger than the body actually.
Mm-hmm. How tall are you?
I’m cooler. I don’t know how tall I am. Like 5’2”.
Oh wow, you’re super short.
I’m not super short. 5’3”. I have to measure. I don’t know how tall I am. Okay and what color of hair do you have?
Brown.
Dark brown? Light brown? Blond brown?
Light brown.
Okay and what about eye color?
Hazel.
Oh, that’s cool. My son has hazel. Okay and what about piercings, tattoos? I have three tattoos and a lot of piercings.
Love it.
Emma has taken all the piercings out when she got baptized. Well, she wanted to get closer to God and apparently piercings aren’t the way to do it. [Laughs]
Although I will say, that did make you holy.
Ooh, that was really good! That was really good. You get a badge. You get a badge for that. [Laughs]
[Laughs] What else? Do you have any other depicting characteristics besides your awesome personality?
No. [Laughs] Next question.
Okay, so well, what kind of clothes are you rocking though in the inner world? Like are you a goth girl? Are you rocking jeans and t-shirt with a pair of Cons.
You just know way more about this. I want to pass. I don’t want to talk about it yet.
Nothing about the outfit? It can’t be so bad. I mean as long as you’re not wearing like Urkel pants, we’re good.
I’m not in Urkel pants. [Laughs]
Even if you’re rocking overalls, like if you have only the one strap thing going in the inner world, that’s okay.
John has legit overalls.
I love it. Oh, and tell me, are they blue jeans?
Yeah.
Oh, I love it. Hey, did you all ever...okay, so this was brought up in a podcast, did you ever hook my boy up with some pants?
Yeah. He totally got new pants and actual overalls. So embarrassing. Thank God. The dude needed them. I was like I need to go buy him some. [Laughs]
Like if she hasn’t gotten them yet, I am going to so totally hook him up. I totally got him...I got him pants and legit overalls and some snow boots. I legit hope you got a badge for that.
Like three at least. That was my allowance.
At least! Oh, it was your whole allowance? That’s right, because that’s why we got to let Dr. E work, because she makes some money.
Yes.
We got to make sure she gets to work. Okay, so we were talking about the inner world and where you like to go in the inner world.
Yeah, no, we’re not talking about that.
Okay.
[Laughs]
Okay, so going back to the inner world to ask other questions...we talked about this earlier. Okay, so you don’t like to leave the house when you’re in the inner world. Right?
Oh yeah, I’m not leaving the attic. Not happening. I’m not going downstairs and I’m not going outside. Not on your life. No way.
Right. So even though in podcasts, it’s been described about the pastures and blah blah blah blah and in the inner world. You have never gone to take a walk in the pasture?
No, there are like six times a year that I have to go do something, but I don’t want to do that and I don’t want to do it if I don’t have to. And I don’t want to talk about it right now.
Okay, we won’t talk about it. Okay, well now you just took out my whole line of questioning. Okay, so…
[Laughs]
[Laughs] She will give out more information later when she gets comfortable. But when she’s ready, she will do it. We’re not going to push her to do it, because that’s not how we are. We aren’t Oprah, okay? We are Julie.
Okay, [laughs], so we were talking about the woods earlier and how we don’t go there. But that Taylor lives in the woods.
Yeah.
I can see this whole section getting edited.
We’re not talking about it.
We’re going to skip that and just know that my girl Sasha is not going out into the pasture. There aren’t any NPC horses out there that she can pet on or ride on.
Oh yeah, you were talking about that. What does that stand for?
Non Playable Characters. Well, in video game world, it’s Non Playable Characters, now mind you, I don’t play video games, nor have I ever. Except for I do get in a little Sims time here and there, because Sims is awesome.
I am not a video game.
I know. Well, I think my friend, John and another friend of ours in the system, who shall remain nameless but stars with a “K”, I think they’re going to get Sims with their allowance.
What?
Don’t be hating. Don’t interrupt his game play. Yes, but I told him on a sidebar that he needed to make sure that he made sure that it was okay with the people that he needed to make sure it was okay with.
We can’t play video games. We don’t even have a TV at our house. No, he can do it on the computer.
Ugh.
And you have one of those, sister. Proven.
Okay, next question.
So, anyway, long story short, I told him and another mutual friend that he needed to ask whoever it is, I guess Taylor or Dr. E or Emma if he could do that.
Well, I’m not the boss of that and Taylor is not the boss of that.
Okay, well somebody wears the britches in that system and they’re going to have to handle that.
Dr. E is the boss of the money.
Right. So, since it’s money, I’m assuming he’s going to have to go through her.
Yeah, and it’s not going to happen with a video game. I can tell you that. And also the kids don’t even have video games. She’s very -
Okay, so why don’t you explain -
No, Dr. E is like very anti-screen time.
Oh, I know she is. She’s anti-any - look trying to have a conversation with Dr. E some days is kind of difficult.
[Laughs]
God love her. I love her, but that girl is not going to be texting you if it’s during work hours. And depending on her mood that particular day, you might get secretaried.
[Laughs]
[Laughs] God love her. I love her. Now don’t get it twisted. Don’t be giving out hate, because I love her. But she cracks me up, because she’ll be like, “I’ll relay the message and have somebody get back to you.” [Laughs]
[Laughs]
I’m like, “Thanks, Dr. E!” And she’s like, “No problem! Leave a message at the beep. Beep”
[Laughs] That’s funny. That’s really funny.
I know, but it’s code for, “I’m sorry Julie, you are not intellectually at my level to carry on a mature conversation and so I’m going to take a message and wait until Sasha or somebody else is available that can handle your issue.” [Laughs]
[Laughs] That’s totally funny. That’s so funny that my face hurts.
I know I’m laughing, because my cheeks hurt. But it’s also the beauty of a system, in my opinion. Because it’s like, “Oh yeah, it’s the fruit loop.” I know that if I send a text...okay, so this is just a little DID thing for me that I had to learn pretty quick when we became friends…
[Laughs]
Okay, there are certain times of the day that I know I am not going to get a response. [Laughs] Okay? And if I do get a response, it’s going to have to be really good or it’s going to have to be one of those days where Sasha’s up before nine o’clock in the morning.
[Laughs]
[Laughs] And so I know not to hear anything from my friend, the system, before five o’clock.
[Laughs] That’s funny.
Right, but I also know that my friend gets concerned...my friend, the system, gets concerned if they haven’t heard from me in a day or two [laughs] and somebody will take pity on me as their friend and be like, “How are you doing?”
[Laughs] That’s funny.
And I’m like thank God somebody in there loves me. It must be my homegirl, but then I’m like oh my God, I missed it. These are the problems that the friend of a DID person have. I’ll be like oh my God, it’s been 20 minutes. Who knows what could have happened, I hope they’re still there.
[Laughs]
So they don’t think I’m ignoring them. And then starts the ugly cycle again, because you’re like texting...like I find myself texting you things and then I’m answering my own questions.
[Laughs]
For myself. Just so I can feel better to know that I am having a conversation. [Laughs] And what’s the worst is when I know that one of my friends in the system is reading it and they’re probably laughing hysterically, because they’re not going to talk to me for whatever reason, right? At that particular instant, whether it be they’re working. Whether it be they don’t want to talk to me or you know, whatever. And so I’m sitting there answering my own texts to make myself feel like I’m having a conversation and I’m watching as the ticker is moving as you’re seeing them read it. And I’m like they are either totally ignoring me...so, this is the fun part of being a DID friend...is they’re either totally ignoring you or an alter that does not want to talk to you at all because of whatever reason, like you’re too crazy. Which could be the case in my situation. Or because they just don’t want to talk because of shyness. Whatever. Whatever the reason is, they just, whatever. And you’re sitting there and watching and you’re like oh my god, will somebody please let me know that you don’t hate me?
[Laughs] That sounds like a personal problem.
It’s a problem! I truly had to get the clue on my own.
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. We are terrible friends. It’s really hard for us to have friends actually. That’s a thing. You should ask the question, do you have any friends? And we’ll be like no.
That’s a big, fat lie. That is now true.
[Laughs]
Damn. I am a friend!
[Laughs]
I’ve got the text messages to prove it.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Oh my goodness. Thank you for teaching us how to be a friend. Well no, I haven’t really successfully done that. Okay, because that’s a fine skill. I would say that we’ll try to do better, but… you know?
That would be a big, fat lie. But hey, I do got to say, you do get a badge, because it was you and me talking I’m pretty willing to bet. I’m not putting money on it, because I could be so wrong. But you and I were talking and I was trying for two weeks now, I’ve been trying to come up with a way to tell you [laughs] without hurting your feelings or being offensive to say, “Look, I really need a little more love as far as a response when I send you a text.”
[Laughs] Yeah.
But I didn’t want to be intrusive, right? Because obviously you’ve been through enough, and having people all up in your business ain’t the thing, right? And obviously as friends, you and I have healthy boundaries.
Well, and we can take care of ourselves, right? So, you don’t have to take care of our feelings.
Right, but I still do, because I don’t want to piss off somebody and then have one of them be like, “Okay, we’re no longer talking to her ever so we’re going to delete, block.” [Laughs]
Awww. Has that happened to you before?
Oh my gosh. I’ve got PTSD. So anyway.
Seriously? I’m so sorry.
No, so remember when everything was going down with social services and FYI, message to that person, whoever did that, there’s a special place in a fiery building for you and it’s below my feet, but that’s neither here nor there.
Oh, when they called on us? Ugh yeah. That was really hard.
Yeah. So, I had a panic attack during that time, because remember when they were coming to visit?
Yeah.
Okay, well I didn’t know that you were going to be shutting all of your social media down for that tenure. So when I went to text you my annoying good morning thing to be my happy self, but probably irritates Dr. E or whoever’s doing the morning jobs. I couldn’t find you.
Oh no!
And I couldn’t pull up your profile and I’m like oh my god, what did I do? [Laughs] Wow.
So, these are the things that you have, because it’s challenging a friend when you have a friend that has multiple personalities, right?
Right.
And so not everybody is going to like you. Everybody in the system has a healthy fear of Taylor, right? So, I was like maybe I pissed off Taylor and she unfriended and blocked me. [Laughs]
Oh.
So, I sat there for like two days and I even sent a message to one of my other friends and I was like was this offensive? Would this have offended you? Not that everybody is the same, but you know what I mean? I was like did you find this offensive?
Oh, I’m so sorry!
It’s okay, but you didn’t know. And then when you came back I was like oh, thank God! Either Sasha figured out who blocked me and then you were like no, no, we didn’t block you, we just shut everything down in case our phone was taken. So, I was like oh my gosh.
Yeah, we were scared. No, but this was good because if people didn’t hear that episode, what happened was… well the parents are dead, right? And so there was something that Dr. E wrote about grief and about trying to manage grief while we also had these special needs kids and all this other stuff we had going on. So, there was some stuff that she wrote and someone who does not even know our family...I don’t want to say things because I don’t want it to happen again…
A vile human being who was looking for revenge and evilness.
Yes. So basically there was...the Reader’s Digest version is because we had special needs kids, they have IEP, and there’s someone who is not doing a good job at one particular thing and so we said we will do that ourselves, you don’t need to do that. And we had it taken out of the IEP and so that person got in trouble, because it was documented and we had evidence that they weren’t doing what they needed to do. And so that person took some of what Dr. E wrote and used that to turn it around and report us that we were not mentally stable to parent. And it was entirely false and we had evidence from...they interviewed all the children, they interviewed all the teachers, all the doctors, all the hospitals, like everybody supported that we are doing just fine. They didn’t even actually talk to the therapist, because no one even asked about that because it was so obvious. It was dropped immediately, except that it happened over Christmas.
Which was awful.
It was horrible. And it was terrible and it happened right at Christmas and New Years and so it was terrible timing for us for such a negative experience when there were already triggers and it was supposed to be time focused on the children and then it was also terrible because of the holiday’s it took them forever to get back to us. But, we did find out it was dropped. There was nothing we had done wrong. But it was a terrible experience. And this actually happens to DID people...or people with DID, sorry...it actually happens to people with DID a lot. So yes, it was a terrible experience. And so because we didn’t want to make it worse, we took down everything that was DID related and we are not on any social media, which I know seems ironic because we have a podcast. But we’re not on any social media except for Facebook for the groups. And so yes, we did...the time you’re talking about… we took down the Facebook. But it happened so fast.
But this is an example of why I want to talk about these things. Because we need to listen to this and what you shared so brave and so vulnerable and authentic
about letting us know, because that’s the kind of thing we don’t know. Because no one cared about us before. I mean, the husband does and the therapist does and apparently you do, whatever. We’re new at it and not just new to feeling it, but new to doing it. And so what that looks like from the outside is really hard sometimes. So, when you share that… because you matter too. It’s not just about being sensitive to our triggers or sensitive to who’s out. That’s really super hero of you. Very legit. Very cool. But also there’s just the layer of real life. And part of experiencing a friendship is taking care of eachother, not in a codependent way or unhealthy boundaries.
Right.
Legit just being your friend. And we don’t know how, because nobody was ever a friend to us. So, we’re terrible about that, but when you share that and I can go back and relisten and others can go back and relisten, we learn from that. And I don’t know that we can do any better. [Laughs] But being aware of having other ways to contact you or letting you know what’s going on or that it matters to communicate some of those things. It’s so new to me. I don’t know.
Tell me this. I already know the answer, but the listeners will want to hear this, okay? Because this was good stuff that you said, so don’t you pass out on me. When you meet people, how do you tell them about your DID?
Oh. Well, we don’t. We don’t. In the past when we were first diagnosed, the first time, we were 17 and we were diagnosed in college in undergrad. And we had lots of people who were like we’re going to be your support team and this is what we’re going to do and they drove us to therapy. Like literally drove us to therapy.
Which was cool of them.
These people from the school.
Right. But it was cool of them to do that, but go ahead.
Well, it’s like a whole big story. It was really traumatic how it all unfolded and I don’t know if we’ve talked about it on the podcast or not. But it matters because it has to do with how people get diagnosed and how people...like the impact of getting diagnosed. So for us, we were first actually diagnosed...ugh….I think we should do it as its own thing. But can you…
Okay, I was more referring to the Reader’s Digest version that you gave me about how we used to be, but now we’re not because of this.
Okay, yeah. So, we can talk about that another time. But we used to be out with everybody. Very public. Very out. Like appropriate behavior. Dr. E is the one who went to class. I was the one who went out with my friends after class. It was consistent as it is now, consistent to who we are, not consistent in that we’re all the same. Which is a problem, because we get accused a lot of being inconsistent. But I’m always me and Dr. E is always her. And when you have the pieces together, it makes sense, right?
Right.
So, when we were very out as DID and very public, it was liberating and it was free and it was much easier to just be ourselves. Just like any coming out process. There’s a reason that that’s so healthy and good. The problem is that for us in our experience, we got exploited and that was kind of used against us in several ways and then part of that even included a copy of our system map being sent to all of our professor’s and it just exploded and had all kinds of problems that happened because of that. And it was very traumatizing. And so because of that, we just completely shut down. We shut down and left the country, like literally. That’s when Emma T moved and so that was very difficult.
And so since then, we have not been out like that and…
You kind of keep it hidden.
We did. We had to keep it hidden differently than before. And so we haven’t been out. I mean we’ve been out, but not out with DID. So because of that, we stayed not inside, we still did our own thing, but we moved and we did not talk about DID anymore to anybody. And we held it together getting little bits of therapy for specific things, but we would not talk about trauma or background stuff at all.
Right.
Because of what happened there, which we can talk about in another episode. But part of that meant that even when Emma got married and we had the husband, I still hung out with him and still went on dates. And Dr. E was still the one who went to work and all of that was the same, but he didn’t have the words for it. And it wasn’t until our parents died that everything kind of fell apart and we
weren’t functioning well enough to keep it covered up. Clearly something was wrong and people out at the wrong times and functioning went down. And that was the falling apart that got us in therapy, like legit for trauma. And then ultimately a year later telling the husband about DID. And he was just like oh my goodness, that makes so much sense.
He was probably like well, that explains it.
Yeah, and he was very chill. But other than him and the therapist, we don’t talk about it at all to anybody. Which is funny because we have the podcast. And eventually people will know, but people will either listen and understand our story and see how it makes sense, or they won’t. And there’s nothing that we can do about that.
As DID...because you are all so carefully guarded -
Yeah. We’re -
I mean, coming out to people you know besides me.
I don’t know that we have any other friends. Well, there’s a lady from church that Emma’s trying really hard to be friends with and she’s really sweet to her. Which is good and maybe the most progress we’ve made. So, yay therapy. But, I don’t know that she -
Are you thinking really hard or are you having a...you need a second?
I think it’s a question that scares me enough that it’s even hard to answer. Just thinking about it makes me panic.
Okay, well let’s talk about poker. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
Yeah. Look, we talked about this. We talked about how Sasha’s going to the Infinite Mind...the conference. And I keep calling it the Infinite Mind, but I think that’s the wrong thing.
No, that’s right. An Infinite Mind. That’s what I was trying to remember.
See, I’m trying to help. Yeah.
And then The Healing Together is the theme of the conference, I guess.
Right. I don’t know how I keep this stuff like a rolodex in my head, but whatever. Anyway, it’s like in that movie...I forget, it’s a Disney movie, but they walk into the brain and they pull out the files.
It’s amazing that you can do that. I don’t have access to files.
Whatever! It’s not that you don’t have access. You haven’t figured out how to access them yet, okay?
Oh my goodness. How are you not a therapist? It makes me nuts. But I’m not a therapist.
I know.
Homegirl and I know that you don’t really like the therapist. That makes me nervous so…
Okay, here’s the thing, I actually adore the therapist.
Oh good, then I’m glad.
She’s amazing. I just had not presented myself and do a lot of my own spying and I can’t even tell you why.
But like, dude, be bold, okay? Because you are not a scaredy-cat chicken, okay? As your friend, I’m telling you, step out for a hot minute, give a howdy doo and get yourself back in there. [Laughs]
It’s more like…
You don’t want to be psychoanalyzed.
No, it’s not even that. It’s that she’s so legit and real that I don’t know. I feel like what if it’s just a dream and I get my hopes up that this is really helpful and then I
wake up and then she’s just gone. It’s too good to believe in. It’s too good to be true.
But that would be like you saying that I’m too good to be true to be your friend. Well, you are. Is that a problem?
What’s your biggest challenge about being friends with me? Oh, that’s a good one. My biggest challenge about being friends with you?
Yeah, because I know it is. Go ahead, girl.
One is knowing...like what we talked about tonight, that I just really suck at being friends. And I don’t mean that as in like mean to myself. Just an awareness of I don’t want to be so broken that I can’t learn how to do that. Because you’ve actually been really good friend to me and I would like for that to be mutual. I don’t want to just take from you. I want to be a good friend to you too, but I’m not good at it yet. So, -
Right. But we practice and keep practicing.
And then the other thing that’s a challenge is that you’re full of these truth bombs that I’m like where did that come from? And how long is it going to take me to soak in what you just said, because it was so powerful. I don’t know how to absorb it.
When I break it down for you in Julie style.
I’m like I don’t really want to think about this and you’re like, peek-a-boo. [Laughs]
[Laughs] And then I find the back door. Which is why you always say, “What are you? The therapist?” No.
Like how did you come in here?
I just know the back door.
Oh my goodness.
But also too, I think we have really healthy boundaries, because you have the ability to say to me, “Nope, I’m not talking about that. Pass.” Or you’ll just ignore me. [Laughs] That’s when I know you’re trying to change the subject. Yup, Sasha’s not talking about that. Next.
But I think that’s part of what gives it safety. Because -
Oh, absolutely.
You do respect the boundaries and some of those...as far as at least I don’t know the therapy stuff of it like Dr. E...like the legit things that we’ve been through that make friendship hard was all about our boundaries not being respected. So, I know we put them up too high - the walls or whatever. But you do respect it so it makes it easier to be like okay, I said that, but it’s actually okay so nevermind, we can do this. [Laughs]
But I’m glad that you have good boundaries though as my friend. I am glad that you guys as a system have good boundaries and you know your boundaries and you have exhibited the ability, and more often than not to be able to express them.
Oh, I can express it alright.
Girlfriend, I have no doubts.
[Laughs]
I have no doubts. We need to talk again though. So don’t make it so long. Oh, it will be a long time.
Oh my god.
[Laughs]
But you had fun.
I did. So much fun.
I know and that’s a good thing.
So much fun for such a long time. It will last me for weeks.
Oh my god.
I have been vaccinated.
Oh my god. That’s awful.
You’re not awful. [Laughs] I can’t even. My face hurts.
I know. My cheeks hurt. Okay, well we’re going to have to talk soon, okay? Okay.
You have to promise.
Promise what?
That we’re going to talk soon. That you’re not going to make me wait weeks.
I’m not even functioning. I’m dissociating. I’m getting like every other word. I don’t know what you’re saying anymore. [Laughs]
Okay, I’ll type it so you can see it. Because I’m sure John sees the food and he’s ready to eat and all hell’s going to break loose after they hear this podcast.
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
Okay, thank you. Bye!
Bye!
Thank you for joining us with System Speak - a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. You can listen to the Podcast on Spotify, Google Play and iTunes or follow along on our website - www.systemspeak.org. Thanks for listening.