Transcript: Episode 260
260. Boggarts (Iris Response)
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Note: The Husband’s voice is in italics]
Hi. Hello. You're good sport to come back on already. Well, yeah. It's like date night. Yay date night! Let’s podcast. Yeah.
So I actually want to talk about some serious things. Okay, so I'm going to give you a trigger warning, and a trigger warning to listeners that we're going to reference suicide. Okay. We're not going to talk about it. We're not going to plan on it. This isn't like Romeo and Juliet going down, like, date night. Not that kind of date night. But specifically, I want to go back to the episode, I think it aired in December and I think it was called Iris, because of the song. Do you know the lyrics to Iris? I don't. I'm gonna look them up. Okay. Who's it by? After editing, it will sound like I look it up really fast. So I know it by Goo Goo Dolls. I don't know if they're the first ones to do it. But, okay, here are the words. So the second verse says, “I don't want the world to see me ‘cause I don't think they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” And then that's repeated again at the end. I do know that song. I didn't know that's what it was called. And didn't know that was Goo Goo Dolls. It says it was written by John Resnick. Yeah, I think that's Goo Goo Dolls. So I just know if from that. There's a cello version that I love. Right? And so we've done that. But anyway, at the end of that episode I played that. And actually really appreciated my friend Peter's response to that, because he didn't know the song but he felt the passion in it about like, how hard it can be just trying to stay alive sometimes. Yeah. Right.
So. So obviously, it's an intense topic. It was a very vulnerable decision to try and share that episode publicly. But the thing that we always come back to is authenticity. And if part of the struggle of DID or other trauma disorders is just trying to stay alive, then there are times we have to talk about that. Yeah. And so that was sort of why we went ahead and move forward.
The other reason that we shared it is we really needed to bookend the last year, that was so hard, so that we could literally move forward even in how we tell our story. Because last year was so hard and there was so much grief. And so it was important and we decided to go ahead and share that.
So that went up in December. Okay, at the time of recording this we're at the end of January. And, Happy New Year. Happy inauguration. There's that. Yes. Thank you world for welcoming us back. We are glad to still be here. That was a close call.
Okay, so anyway, I want to read you this email that I just got today. It was terrible timing actually. But they didn't know that; that's not their fault. Okay, this is from someone named Cathy. Someone who listens to the podcast. Hi, Cathy. I guess, I don't know, I guess that they listen to the podcast because they talk about it right. But I don't know who they are. So here's the email. “Dear System Speak. I am a bit concerned here. I just listened to Iris last night. And I'm trying to grasp whether or not I am hearing this correctly. Did you try to kill yourself and then end up in a hospital? I really hope I misunderstood.”
Okay. So let me stop for a minute. Because I got this email and I started reading it, and they’re, they’re. There's a lot of different emails the podcast gets. The podcast gets a ton of email, actually. There are some that are just spam. There are some who are like fake people wanting to come on the podcast and they obviously didn't actually listen to what it's about. Like, no, you are not an appropriate guest for the podcast. But, you know, that kind of thing. And then most of the emails are from listeners. Yeah. And sometimes there are trolls, and I get hate mail. That's true. And sometimes there are people who disagree with something I share, which I actually appreciate because the whole thing about the podcast is trying to learn together. And if the people who disagree didn't speak up or share with me, I wouldn't learn from them. So that doesn't bother me, even if people disagree. Also, I'm still learning. So it's not like I know everything. And I'm not an expert. Like this is literally just my experience. That's what I'm an expert on is my experience, right? Right. So I don't even mind that. But most of the emails are from people who appreciate the podcast or have questions or things that they want to share. And I read them whenever the children are asleep and I'm still awake, [Laughter] so that I can share that with the other listeners, right? And so like maybe once a month or so, I don't know how often it really depends on our children, when I can get them recorded then their listener emails go out. And it kind of gives a way for there to be a conversation to keep things going. Right? Yeah. So I appreciate that.
But, but this is what came today, or yesterday. I'm gonna start over. Okay. “Dear System Speak. I am a bit concerned here. I just listened to Iris last night. And I'm trying to grasp whether or not I'm hearing this correctly. Did you try to kill yourself and then end up in a hospital? I really hope I misunderstood. I'm questioning the ethics or safety of this public disclosure, which seems unreal. You did give a trigger warning, but that needed a super duper trigger warning. I am speechless here and would like to say something supportive, but I'm kind of upset. I have been listening to your podcast over a year now. And it's a huge support just knowing you're there posting thoughtfully and bravely. I am not your therapist. But I almost would think that maybe this podcast and your sharing so much is outside the window of tolerance for you or your parts. No matter what you have to keep yourself and all parts of you safe. Your children need a mama and your listeners need to know you're not going to just disappear. I'm sure your ISSTD colleagues are also feeling betrayed right now. Hoping you can regroup and create some safety, internal and external, and get through to the other side. One thing to consider is that your children when they get older will be able to find your podcast and hear what you're saying. Kids get curious and can find access online around 10 to 12 years. I believe that the Iris episode would be hurtful for them to hear. Regards, Kathy.”
So that's what the email said. Yes. So many big feelings about it. So first, I already feel pressure to be well quote quote “well,” because of ISSTD colleagues because my job is there. But that pressure doesn't come from them. It comes from inside me. They have been very welcoming and accepting and given me space to just be. I try to do my job, for my job there. And I try to behave and be professional and focused and present, and what I mean that is appropriate for being in classes there. And I feel like that is entirely appropriate. And the only pressure is because with the things I learn, I can't unknow what I know. Like as I go, right? So, I don't feel that they have pressured me, but I feel a lot of pressure myself. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay.
So second, that episode, like I said, was hard to share, but it was authentic. And part of why we did share was to destigmatize that conversation. Yeah. That was the whole point of the podcast and it was the whole point of that episode. That even when things are hard, it is better for us to talk about it. And it's more traumatizing to people if we don't talk about that, or if we leave out pieces that are so common to the experience for those of us who struggle with trauma. Does that makes sense? Yeah.
Third, this was really terrible timing. They don't know that. That's not their fault. But everything that's happened for us in the last week or so, it is terrible timing. And so it was really hard to hear, to receive an email about how I have failed in every area of my life by trying to do one little thing. Like, here's a podcast episode about how hard my life is and how much of a struggle it is. Oh, thank you for sharing; you have failed your children, you have failed your professional life, and now you have failed your personal life and all of the people who depend on you. That felt great that that was good.
And then four, our kids don't have access to devices. But we also are already careful and transparent about the conversations on the podcast, and even more so in real life. So I don't think there's anything on the podcast that would surprise them, other than things being more explicit once they were older. But we've already had a lot of hard conversations with them. Yeah. They've been on the podcast, they participated. And even though there are more details in some ways, or more like it's not age appropriate as far as discussing things as in depth, the content itself they live with every day. Yeah. And in their own lives and in our lives. And so it's not like it's new information. And then, like, who is this person? Like, where, what, ahh… [Laughter]
So I texted my friend Peter screenshots of the email, and was like, “I just got this email. And that didn't feel good.” Because I can share my feelings, dear. [Laughter] And he was like, “Who are they to judge you? And all of the ISSTD colleagues that I know, including myself, are very supportive of you.” Yeah. Like he was a very kind friend, just reassuring.
But what do you hear and feel when you hear that email?
Me myself? Uh huh. So it felt to me, like, of course it feels like she's coming from a place of real concern. She feels very earnest and not at all malicious. But it does to me feel like someone who is having a sort of trauma response to something. There is, there is an immediacy to her feeling of urgent concern that does not necessarily match my understanding of events and like the distance in Now Time you were absolutely safe. Right.
Well, and I understand. I appreciate the concern. Legitimately, genuinely, I do. But also, I feel like it's someone less familiar with the podcast, because people who listen to the podcast regularly know because I talk about it frequently, that part of my safety plan for the podcast is that there is a great delay. Like a significant delay between what is happening in real life for us right now and when it comes up on the podcast. Because just for safety, people don't need to know where we're at or what's going on right now. Yeah. Even internally, not just physically. But even internally, that's just a safety precaution. And it gives me the time and space that we need to intentionally do therapy and process what we need to do in therapy. Because even though we do disclose a lot on the podcast, we don't disclose everything. No. And while we share lots of things we learn in therapy, we don't use the podcast as therapy. Right. So there has to be this time of window of reflection. So so that someone that, I feel like it's someone who's less familiar with that, not understanding the time gap between when something happens and when we actually shared on the podcast.
So those are two things that just giving them the benefit of the doubt and credit for not fully understanding that is. Sure. That that's on us as the podcaster, I guess. Just sort of a disconnect there.
Like to me, so from just an outside perspective, to me it feels like a trauma echo chamber where one person does something that triggers the other person. And then the other person's response to that trigger goes back and triggers the first person. So that people's reactions are actually reacting to their own issues that have been set off. Like it happens with our kids all the time where like, a kid will behave in such a way that like gets me triggered, and I will act in a certain way that then then triggers them. So that both of us are really reacting to trauma that has happened in our past more than we're actually reacting to the moment. And so it feels like her response is very large and very urgent maybe because of someone some trauma in her own life. And then you have worked so hard to be so courageous and share these parts of yourself in a safe way, that then to be told that you're not actually succeeding at these things you've tried so hard and grown so much by doing, that feels like a slap back. Right? Yes. So because I, as an outside person, don't feel the the indignation of this. Like I don't feel hurt by this letter. When I look at it, I see her concern, or like, I feel her concern for you and her desire for your well-being. But I see that it's being channeled through language and ideas that like hit all of your your nerves, right, right, your, your exposed vulnerabilities in just the wrong way.
Because it's saying I'm putting my children at risk. Yes. It's saying I'm putting listeners at risk. Yes. It's saying that I have failed in what I have tried to do. Yeah. It's saying that I am not integrated enough to function, I'm not functioning professionally. It's saying, like it's below the belt on every, as far as my trigger. Yeah. Not her intention. Exactly. As far as my triggers, my greatest fears are that I would put my children at risk. That I can't function professionally. That my personal sharing, or one attempt to use what was awful to try and change the world in some better way, has failed miserably. That if I put these people who listen at risk, then I become the perpetrator. Like there's so many layers of it stepping all over my toes, and it's really hard to sit with.
So looking at the the Now Time outsider view, I can objectively say that none of those things are factually true. But understanding that those are each of them something that is one of your fears. And it was like hit each of them right on right on the nose, right? It's like that teacher that I had at college who said “when you get married, into your mind will come the most amazing zingers and you will know that they are brilliant, and you will know that each one of them will be hilarious because they will hit that person's most vulnerable spots.” And he said “your job in marriage is to never say those things.” [Laugher]
So it's like whether consciously or subconsciously, like she has connected with you enough that she recognizes these are the risks. These are the danger areas of having DID and making yourself vulnerable in this way. And when this thing crossed a line for her, what she was able to tolerate, then immediately all of those things were her warning lights that went off that may in fact be trauma responses from her own life and things that she is scared about. But then it's like putting little bamboo splinters under your fingernails, because those are the things where you are vulnerable, like emotionally vulnerable. Right. That's, that's a rough sort of interaction right there.
Well, and I think it's intense because I know, and I said, the trigger warning says like, here's the line, we have never been this close to the line. Yeah. But we are going to literally step on the line for a minute because there are people who struggle and don't know what to do and how to respond. And so we have to have this conversation. But if you're not in a place now to have this conversation, don't listen to it. And if you do listen to it, take care of yourself while you do and after you do listen to it. Because it is that intense. But also this is real. And life is this hard when you're in a trauma experience of trying to deal with things.
And for people this year, even without other trauma, everyone has the ongoing pandemic as a trauma. Oh, yeah. Everyone has isolation because of, well, we're in Oklahoma so some people have more isolation than others. But the isolation of the quarantine experience and the ongoing trauma of that means you were more disconnected from your resources you normally would have. And then no matter what side of politics you're on, the intensity of the politics. Yeah. And the ugliness of the politics. Like that is so much trauma, not even counting any personal stuff in the last year.
And then I think, for us, part of why last year was so personally intense was realizing, really, if we're going to be super, super honest, it was coming to terms with that this isn't going to get better. And let me clarify what I mean by that. Because I don't mean that DID doesn't get better, or that trauma doesn't get better. But I think we're at a place of realizing that when [pause] that even though we can bring healing to what happened, we cannot take away that it happened. Yes. And that is a huge piece of acceptance that is very, very difficult. And that means things like we can, you know like how we learned how the past can invade Now Time, but it can't change Now Time. It just feels like it's happening Now Time, but really it was in the past. Right? Yeah. Yes. So you can kind of put it back in its place of, I'm present, this is Now Time, Now Time is safe, all of those things. But you can't actually make it go away from Memory Time. Right. Because it's already there and actually happened. Yeah. It was a thing. It was real. Right. And accepting that is huge. Yes. And along those lines, learning to trust in therapy and learning about the therapeutic process for DID, and for therapy, and for healing, includes things like realizing that the therapist is not actually there to save you. The therapist, like you may have a fantastic relationship with your therapist. The therapist may be an amazing person. But they are not your new parent. They are not undoing the past right. Right. They are not actually even fixing the past. They are helping you in the present deal with what was in the past. Yes. And I think, like I can say all of the reasons why last year was so hard. And they can list out all these things, pandemic protest politics, like the three P's, and then the six children, and homeschooling, and us not having a respite or trying to endure every day of how to educate six children, and how to feed them, and how to like, all of what has made the last year, so intense. But the grief for me of the last year was about that. Was about maturing my understanding of a therapist and realizing that they actually can't save me. Because it already happened. Yes. And that they're not going to save me because what is healthy is actually me realizing that it's already happened. Which in some ways, the good news of that, right, is that, like, I saved myself. Like I did it. We got it. We got through, we're here. Yeah. And this is, and so that's like the good news. But the hard facts of accepting the past as the past is hugely deep, and difficult, and painful, and grievous. And we've not actually talked about that yet on the podcast. But those are the layers.
And then the triggers have to do with letting those illusions go set off all those lights in the past of abandonment, of deaths, betrayal, betrayal, of other griefs. So that leaving the therapist set up all of this that I thought was about her, that wasn't about her at all right. And having to work full circle through that. And then realize not only that, but who I thought she was was only a part of her. And that part of her was only in my head, it wasn't even the part that was in the chair. [Laughter] Right? Yeah.
So seeing through all these illusions. And the sitting in the reality of that was so alonely, a-lone-ly, I mean that word. Yeah. And so dark, and so despairing. So it was never, in this example, was never about wanting to be dead, it was about facing the facts that it's not going away. I can't run away from it. I can't dissociate away from it. I can't pretend it's not there. I can't wait for someone else to rescue me. I can't. Like I can't. I can't. I can't. There's nothing. Nothing I can do about it. Because it already happened. Yeah.
So there's all this healing, we can talk about that in another podcast about what that means, and what happens next, and how you resolve that. But just in that moment of this is what my darkness looks like, and I want out of it. It would be better to die than to face those truths. That's brutal. Yeah.
Now, obviously, both for the podcast and for Kathy, who wrote into the podcast, and for just general announcement purposes, I don't actually have a plan or wanting to die, or any plans or trying to hurt myself right now. That's not what I'm saying. I'm talking about really big feelings, and where that comes from and why it's such a big deal. Like even there's not enough books in the world to make the past go away. Right. I can't interview enough people on the podcast and learn enough about DID to make my trauma go away. It's already there. So what I do with that and what happens next is a whole different thing.
But that moment of despair and how that showed up in different parts, and the grief that okay, none of this was even real. I don't mean DID isn't real, but the illusions of trying to escape it. And the delusion, thinking I could pack it away somewhere and make it enough to go away. Like what a child concept is that, that, like for someone who barely has any kind of object relations development, that's a pretty big object relations trick that if I can just cover it up, it's gone. Right? Well, that's, that's kind of the core functionality of DID, right? Except that you're covering up parts of yourself so that you don't have, so that you're protected from that part? When you've covered it up it's gone. Hmm.
Can I share an observation that has been coming to me as you've, as I've been listening to you? Share with me your revelations. I was thinking about how what I have seen of your personal journey in the time that we have been married has been a journey of gradually increasing transparency, both internal and external. And you have always been a person of integrity to the degree that you have been capable of, of having, like being able to access all the parts, right? The first time we took spoke on the phone, you started by saying, “Okay, let me tell you all of the bad things about myself.” Like, shared everything you can think of that might drive me away. And of course, it didn't. You didn't tell me about DID and the things from your childhood because I don't think you had access to them at that moment. But you told me everything that you had.
We've kind of talked about how, like, as you being a DID person and me as a non DID, depressed person depressed, I have an associated, person with depression, as a person with depression, that it's kind of like we don't have different amounts of life, is just stored in different ways. I'm like a big fish tank sloshing around and all of the memories. I still have all the parts. I still have altars living within myself, basically. But we all experience ourselves as one person, right. And you've got like a library card catalog, where each part of your life that needed protection is filed away into that particular part. And, and they just don't transition fluidly. Right. But gradually, you began to have more internal transparency where you started becoming aware of DID and needing to acknowledge within yourself that there were issues that you wanted to work on, or issues that were keeping you from feeling fully present in your life. And as you worked on that internal transparency, you started to have more external transparency, where you were able to open up to me about DID and some of your trauma experiences from childhood. And then you continued to work within yourself, where you became increasingly a team working together. And that, like, there were times in our past where I had talked to you about, you know, are you ever going to write a book about the DID or podcast? And you're like, “No, no, I would never do that.” [Laugher] Like the first time you told me that you were going to tell a friend about DID, like you could have scraped me off the floor. I could not believe it. Just not not like, shocked but like, astounded. Because that was such a step forward in courage in seeing yourself and allowing others to see yourself, right?
And as you were talking about sort of all these dark parts and not being able to hide from the past that has actually happened. Another piece that came into my mind was the idea that that so many of these like little drawers from your childhood, that's just time picturing right now, like it feels like they're full of monsters, right? But they're full of terrified children. They're full of abuse victims, they're full of parts of yourself that had terrible things happening to them. And so it's not actually the parts of you in there that are scary. It's the parts, the ex-outside world that they were responding to that is scary. And I feel like as you have increased the transparency and been able to look at these different parts of yourself, and accept these parts of yourself, that more and more you are coming to understand that it's not yourself that you were afraid of. And that you don't need to be afraid of yourself. Cuz they're just kids, and they're so scared. They were in a situation that was inexcusable. Like, no way on earth should things like that happened to a child. Of course, you were scared. Of course, you needed to find a way to protect yourself. And DID is how your brain did that through like structural organization, right?
But it's not the little, the littles, it’s not the little you, plural you, that is the scary thing. It's the thing that they are scared of that was scary, and from their little person perspective, would be insurmountable. But I have seen you make progress in ways that tells me that you are learning to face those fears that they were not able to face. That you as an adult are bringing your adult experience and wisdom to those parts of you that have been scared, to help yourself know that that's that there's no reason for that to trap you anymore. Does that make any sense?
That was beautiful. Well, thank you. [Laughter] That was really lovely. It feels like a lot. And I feel like that's how I would say it. But also, I mean, as far as why we let the episode go up, that's how I would say it. But also knowing the parts of me that needed to say those things and share those things. Yeah. I think I would stand by it.
Yeah. And when in that email, when she said, “What if your children read this?” My first thought was, of course our children will read this someday. That's, they're not going to be ashamed, we're going to prepare them like. It's part of integrity, like this increasing transparency, right? Gradually, you have already started the process of preparing them for these conversations, and helping them to understand about your trauma, and how your brain has processed it. And like, of course, they're gonna read them someday and it will be awesome. And they will be inspired by you.
And we do have a podcast. And you do have a podcast. And you know what, I'm kind of stinking proud of it. [Laughter] You should be.
2020 was not a fun year to be a podcaster. I just want to put that out there. Like all the creativity and the fun things and having good therapy, all those things that we lost because of 2020 made it really hard to keep podcasting. And so I absolutely agree that the podcasts in 2020 were not fun to listen to. But 2020 wasn't about fun. It was about staying alive. You know? Yeah. And I think that that's part of how we were able to keep going was by being real about how hard it was. Which is different than dissociating or being superficial or pretending it wasn't. Yeah, yeah. You know? Absolutely.
You know what Peter said to do? Peter said, to take the power out of this thing of the words. Which can I say thank you, Kathy, for writing. I appreciate it. Because I'm glad you share your concerns. It's always important to make sure people are safe. So good job with that. But. And I wanted to say thank you too. I was just thinking that. I wanted to say thank you, Kathy, for your concern and for your obvious care for Emily's well-being. Like, I feel like that email came from your heart, even if it was received in a difficult way. But I feel like it was well intentioned.
And because of facing the triggers that we felt when we read the email, instead of just acting out because of them, we have this amazing conversation and have learned things. And I knew to talk to you about it, and to reach out to my friend Peter so that I wouldn't, as my therapist said. No, no, it wasn't the therapist. It was a lady that I interviewed on the podcast. She said, “There are some neighborhoods you just don't go to alone.” Yeah. And this was a neighborhood I couldn't go to alone. I needed to talk to Peter, I needed to, because he knows the podcast. I needed to talk to you because you know us. And so the words were good questions. And the questions about those issues, I absolutely don't mind answering and clarifying about.
No, this is good stuff. I want my kids to know if they are in a moment of despair, here's how you stay real with that and also climb out. Other people have gotten through it. Yeah. That's why I want my kids to know. And, um, so I think it's important in those ways. And so I stand by it, but also appreciate the conversation that came out of looking at the things that she brought up. Yeah. And it did push the line. I know it pushed the line. But that line is not a place I hang out. And it's not a place I stay. Right. And it's not the focus of the podcast. But 2020 was hard. Yeah. And that was real.
But when we talked about how it triggered up so many things, Peter said to listen to the email or read the email like in a Mickey Mouse voice. That it would take the sting out. Okay. Are you ready? I'm ready. This is the best I can do. Because I don't know how to do voices. I'm a deaf person. [Laughter] But I can do this with technology. [Recording of email content played at high speed; much laughter]
Okay, now that's funny. That was amazing. You know what that makes me think of? What? A moment in the Harry Potter books. Of course it does. Where there's, there's a monster that nobody knows what it looks like because as soon as someone sees it, it turns into the thing they're most afraid of. And the way you combat it is with a spell that makes them look ridiculous so that you laugh at them. Ridiculoso! Yeah, basically, yeah. Good job, Peter. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.
Okay, so while we're talking about this serious thing. Let's talk about you, too. I haven't listened to many of their songs. Oh, my goodness, you're impossible.
So as a person who struggles with depression. I do. And I appreciate your transparency and openness and the courage with which you've shared about that, not just on the podcast, but at church, and when we teach marriage classes, and different times, you've been very open about that. And it's really helped a lot of people. And that takes a lot of courage. But you know, in a different way, and for different reasons, what it's like to have those moments of not wanting to be alive anymore. And yet, being alive anyway. How, how, how do you do that? Or what helps you in those dark moments? You know, like every morning at 7am? [Laughter] Oh, who are we kidding? I'm not awake at 7am. True story.
So for me, yeah, I really struggle with depression. You know, when when I go to the therapist and take that the depression survey, like I sometimes I get close to a perfect score. [Laughter] I'm gonna ace it one of these days. But it has that question about how often do you think about death or wish that you were dead? And the answer is every day. Like honestly. Like I'll be taking a shower and just looping through my head will be the words “I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I just wish I was dead.” Or you know, shopping at Walmart or putting on my shoes, like anything, and. You know, I really I try to resist it. I try to go to other thoughts, other topics that they keep me interested. And sometimes, you know, like an addiction, it feels soothing to have those words go through my head, which is horrible. But I have no actual plans to die. I'm not I'm not suicidal at all. Not at all. And I think one of the most clarifying moments for me was at Walmart, where I had these thoughts of absolute despair running through my head about how I'm ruining everything, and I just wish I was dead, and this is terrible. And I was able to step back within myself. This is one of those moments where it's, it's like, DID but the associated version. [Laughter] Where I'm able to observe myself within myself, and look at these thoughts, and say, “that's not actually me.” Like I, what I'm feeling right now feels intolerable, but I don't actually want to die. I'm not interested in killing myself, and my life is actually pretty good at the moment. But you know, even if my life was awful, I, I guess maybe that would make it a harder conversation, but. My life is really good. I still feel miserable almost every day. But I'm able within myself to have that ability to observe and step back and say, “Hey, this is really just like a neurological disease in my case.” Like, it really.
Like I feel like in some ways I am more mentally healthy than almost anyone I know. [Laughter] I'm just really depressed. I'm not depressed about anything, I'm just depressed. And, and they're these just moments where I'm like, “goodness, yes, I have a chronic illness.” Like, it's really, it's like a neurological disease. I wouldn't be hard on myself, if I had, you know, severe arthritis, I wouldn't be doing a moral judgment on myself. It's just pain. Well, this is pain being caused by my brain pumping out the wrong chemicals, or in the wrong amounts or something, that has created these neural pathways in my brain.
But no, I don't want to die in spite of the fact that those thoughts go through my head every single day. Life is hard, depression is awful. I really hate it. I really need my medicine adjusted. Because I miss enjoying life. So we'll get back to that hopefully soon. But I absolutely understand like just feeling like life is impossible and overwhelming and intolerable. But I've never acted on it. And I've never felt like I was going to act on it at all. So I guess I'm really fortunate in that way. But I know, I know that it's possible. I know that despair does not mean that you are your despair. Sometimes it's just, it's just feelings, and feelings come through our bodies. I like to say that we are part God and part mammal. We've got these thoughts and intellect and passions and talents and ideas, all filtered through this physical instrument in which we process feelings and store memories and, and all of this intricate physical stuff. And feelings are so tricky because they feel like a purely intellectual, like spiritual part of ourselves, when really they're regulated so much through our neurons and through our chemical neurotransmitters, and through all these other things that, like, we just have to accept that our feelings are not who we are. And sometimes, sometimes things are just hard. But just because things are hard, doesn't mean you're doing them badly. It just means they're hard.
I'm so glad I married you. [Laughter] Me too. Aww. Me too, every day. I love you so much. I love you too, sweetie. Thanks for talking with me even about hard things. Absolutely. If we couldn't talk about hard things, it would be awful. Because I don't want to have to carry hard things alone.
Can you imagine how hard the last five years would be if we weren't able to like be friends in our marriage? If we weren't able to talk about things and deal with things together? I don't. I don't think. We wouldn't have made it. No, no. I think as hard as the last year was, and poor 2020 and gets blamed for everything now. But as hard as it was, it was actually really good for me because I learned how to sit with my feelings, and how to hold them, and how to recognize them without avoiding them or dissociating from them. I didn't like it. It was very unpleasant. I hated it, actually. It was a horrible, horrible lesson. But I can do it now. And I can recognize my feelings now. And I know what I think about things and what I feel about things as myself and not because of who's around me or what's happening to me. And for me, that feels huge, even if it made for an ugly year of podcasting. Yeah. So I'm actually really grateful.
Which is funny because I spent the year bashing toxic positivity. [Laughter] And at the same time became grateful for the year of hell that taught me so much. Toxic positivity does not mean that all positivity is toxic. Authentic positivity. There we go. I like it. I'm really, really grateful, because I feel so much more fleshed out, and so much stronger than before. But it's because when we had big feelings, we stayed and felt them. And we let them out and we put them into words. And it was messy. It was not pretty. It was not fun. It was very unpleasant. I cannot emphasize the level of unpleasantness that it was. And January has already filled an entire bullet journal. It has, it's true. But I feel like it's something I can do now. It's a skill I have.
So when I got this email, I was like, ugh!!! [Laughter] But I knew why. Because of this and this and this. And you were facing those feelings instead of just hiding them, or running from them, or. Yes, and I didn't let them overwhelm me. I did not panic because of them. I went to people. Connection, right, yay mammals. I went, I sought out connection and healing and said, “Hey, friend, this is what's going on. Hey, husband, here's what's going on.” And could hold those, see the good from it, let go of what was not real, learn from what was real, and then let the rest go. And that's a big deal. Yeah. High five. Boom.
Okay, you want to do our Sherlock Holmes detective note? Are we doing that for the podcast? No. Bye, guys. We're going on a real date now. See you soon.
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You can search online to find your local suicide prevention hotline number in your country. In the United States the number is 1-800-273-8255 or you can text 741741. You can also look up the Plural Association, which is opening a warm line next month. We will have them on the podcast soon to explain what they are trying to do to help plurals on hard days as they adjust to the diagnosis and reach out for help when they're struggling. As always, please care for yourself after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
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Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.