Transcript: Episode 308
308. Buddy Business
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
I don't know if you can hear me but I I found a park and the kids can play at the splash pad so I can talk for just a minute. And they’re big, them kids. They're grown when I'm looking. They're gonna be bigger than me. Two of them are bigger than me. I don't even know how it happened. But but there's splashpad and nobody else is here. By the first time we found an empty one, we're only we can play by ourselves. So we we is playin in this splashpad.
But also, also, I gotta tell you that I've been doing some thinking, because I went at therapy. And I did not know. Well, I had some problems at therapy. At therapy and I had some problems because I didn't know and I didn't understand. But now now I do understand, and I learned myself some hard lessons. And I learned lessons about how, well therapy is a business. I didn't know therapy was a business. I know we have therapy office, and I know we go see her at her office, and I know this is my office and you are safe. And I know that but I didn't know that the office was business. I thought our appointments were for buddies. I thought we were buddies. I didn't know.
Now they all just wanna know what I’m talking about so I'm walking. I, I need privacy to think about hard things. But I can go a little ways down the sidewalk and I can see them. Everybody is safe and nobody else is here. But then I have some privacy. Cuz when you, when you got six outside kids running around, you got all them inside kids run around, you ain't got no privacy for nobody. Nobody, nobody can.
But I want to talk about some things that are things I was learning. So. So, so some things, I got it, I gotta talk about this because I gotta fix it. I need a fix the problem. Because we've been stuck, and then was been sad, and it was scary. And I just, I just wish things can be like they was, but they cannot. Because when things was, well, that's Memory Time. And now here I am at Now Time. Things was not yet here. So I've been confused. And I had a hole in my heart of sadness, some big feelings like sadness, but really it was my own doing. And so I got to crawl myself out of here if I'm gonna fix it. And I want to fix it. And I got to do right by my friends. Because doing right by your friends, that's important. And if I learn a hard lesson, well, that's too bad for me. And I may not like it. But I got to do it. Because… Well, because it's the right thing. And because things aren't gonna get better if I'm just sitting around being sad and not doing my work.
So I was listening to the new therapist. I did not tell her my name. I did not tell her was there. But I was listening that her. She all right. She all right, I am reckon. But, she’s not my buddy. And I, I want to tell her that but you don't say that because you don't want to be rude. You can’t be rude. That's not even nice. You got to be nice. But you also got to be brave. And you also got to be strong. And I got to learn how to do all those things at the same time.
So, so I recognize gotta talk about it. And I'm watching her and I'm listening at her. And what she said at me was that the office for her to be a therapist is not about being buddies. Cuz I don’t want to be her buddy. I, I had buddy one time and they just left a hole in my heart. And I can't do it again like that. I don’t, I don’t even know. I don’t even know. I just, I just recognize it’s been a mess. And it's time we clean it up. And I want to fix things proper.
So if I, I think before I didn't understand things. I thought I'm safe. And you were safe. And we'd be safe together. And so we're buddies. And, and we had a lot of getting along together and a lot of good times together. And sometimes we talk about hard things too. Because if you have a buddy, you can tell ‘em hard things and they’re not even mad at you. They are zero mad if they're your buddy. So that's what I did.
I talked to my buddy and I said things and I told, told her things and sometimes we had good time. Sometimes we play football. Sometimes we talk about hard things. But, but I just thought. I don’t know. Like, I'm not dumb kid. I'm not.
Oh man that tree look like it got face on it. Oh that’s creepy. I’m gonna turn around the other way. Not be looking at by tree. I like trees thoughts. Trees good for climbing. I like climbing trees. Man these outside kids we climb trees a lot. I'm pretty good at climbing trees. But I did not climb trees with my buddy. And I got to thinking you got buddy, tree climbing is a pretty good thing to do. So why did I not ever climb trees with my buddy? Well it was because we always at her office, right?
So I'm thinking, ‘cuz I'm a smart cookie, and I'm thinking about this. And I'm looking at this new therapist. I don’t even know if she's real. She's just on a computer talking, listening, and she sits real still and wait on me. And I'm like, “oh, man, you might as well stop waiting, because there ain't nothing coming out of my mouth.” But she pretty nice. So I just keep watching her and paying attention. What I like about it is that I can color or play with things and she can’t see me because it's not on the computer. It's just like next to computer but not on camera. I'm thinking “man did we come a long way to be on the computer with all them cameras.” Because I never thought in 100 million years we could ever do that. But you know what feels pretty good? Being the boss of your own camera. And I'm thinking that's nobody hurten’ us. That's me being the boss of myself. And us being the boss of our own camera. So maybe we win that round. I think we do. Get badge if I had my buddy, but I don’t have my buddy no more. I have a hole in my heart. But that's what I was thinking about.
So I just asked, I just asked that new therapist, I asked her, I asked her about well. So I was gonna ask that new therapist question about her office. Because I don’t wanna break the rules. Because if you break the rules at therapy, you know what happens? You never get to see them again. That's what leaves a hole in my heart. If you can't go back to therapy, then you don't get to see ‘em. But if you don't go at the office, you also don't get to see ‘em. So you can't get appointment in the office. But out of the office, there are no appointments. So you just, you just sit there in the grass for a year. Crying. Missing your buddy. That's no way to live. That just leave a hole in your heart and burn you up like fire because it's hurten’ so much.
Even if you have fire you have some marshmallows and that feels better, marshmallows. But we careful about fires, you know. I don’t want to talk about it.
But, this new therapist, you know what she did the very first day? She told me all the rules. And here's what's good about that. Ang I'm a good kid. You gotta notice I don't mean to be naughty. I don't mean to be bad. I'm pretty good kid. So what you need to know is that when I'm being a good kid, if I know the rules, I'm follow the rules. You know why? Cuz I want to die. I don’t want to get beat up. I don’t want to be beat. I don’t wanna get hurt or locked up or nothing. So if there be rules, I just need to know ‘em and I can follow ‘em. And she told me the rules for the very first time.
And then I thought “oh man, oh man, oh man, that's where I mess up.” I mess up because I didn't know. I did not know. I just, I'm not a stupid kid. I'm not bad kid. But I still ruin everything cuz I didn't know. I didn't understand. But I just was paying paying attention to having fun and talking to my buddy and we was safe. So I didn't even notice the rules.
But the new therapist said, she said. Well she didn't say these words. I remember these words but I saw then at the journal cuz we don’t got notebook no more. Cuz you gotta have a buddy to have notebooks. And without buddy you have notebooks either. You just lose everything. You lose all your notebooks. You lose football. You lose all the good times you had. You lose Now Time Is Safe. You lose all the fun laughing and joking. You lose your friends. It just leaves a big old gaping hole in your heart. It's just wrong and hurten’. You just drown in emptiness cuz nothing good. What do you do about that? Nothing. You just wait.
And this new therapists said, “you can’t be buddies at a office. An offices is business, not buddies.” And I felt so dumb. I got it all wrong and mess everything up and it's all my fault. That's why I got to fix it proper.
My that’s a good looking boat driving by. I used to be on boats sometimes. I was a long time ago I think. I thought it was yesterday. But I know it's been a whole year because you know why? I'll heard them fireworks. And I thought “oh man, I'd done it again.” He's a whole year if it's July 4 again. I miss again a whole year. But, but it got my intention all right I said, “wake up sleepy pants you've got to pay attention in this.” But I pay close attention and I listen careful. And I fix my ears on my head. I put on my paying attention pants. And I look around and sure enough they light up the sky and then I thought “oh man, oh man, oh man, that there's fireworks and this Fourth of July again.” They already had another one and I just had one yesterday so that's how I know we lost another year. But I gotta paid attention because, but that's why I gotta pay attention better because what if that was sniper fire? What if we’re back in the Middle East and I didn't even know it? What if there's bombs going off or guns shooten’ me and I don't even know? How am I supposed to take care of them girls if I'm not even paying attention? So I gotta stick around better. That's what I think.
But when I got a hole in my heart, that air is too heavy to breathe. I can't even get my breath in. I'm just cryin’. Don’t want nobody see me crying. So I just hide in the trees in the woods and I think, “man, oh man, oh man, it's a last place I ever thought I'd end up in my life.”
But that's how I became friends with the horses and some cows. And I saw a cow have little baby calf. And I thought that's not a bad deal at all. That's kind of nice. Like life’s still happening. You know like Easter except that Fourth of July cuz there’s just everything being born. I said, “hey little buddy. You're kind of late in the season, aren't ya?” That's what I said to that little calf. He just try to look at me but he don’t know what he's doing yet cuz he's just a little baby calf. He's all slimy. I said, “buddy you better clean yourself up before anybody sees you looking like that.” Man, oh man, oh, man.
So if I did not know therapy is a business, therapy is not a buddy, then it’s my fault it all got messed up. And I gotta fix it proper. I gotta do something about that. Cuz, man, that makes me a bad guy. And I don’t wanna be a bad guy. I want to be a good guy.
So I told her. I sent her a message and I said, “Man, oh, man, oh, man.” I say, “I am sorry about that. I'm very sorry. I learned my lesson. I did not know. And I want to fix it proper.” Because even if I want to be a good guy, sometimes I get it wrong. But you know what? Getting it wrong means I'm learning. And I'm good at learning. So I gotta learn this and I gotta fix it proper. And I just said, “Man.” I just said, and I just said, “You know what? I just want to say I'm sorry.” And I told her what I learned about business and bodies. And I said, “I'm sorry, I messed up.” And I said, “Thank you.” Because that was a good safe time, a best time of my whole life and it leave a big old hole in my heart. But I'm awful glad I had it. Cuz I didn’t even know I had a heart. I even know how to heart. And you know what that means? That means I'm a Grinch. I didn’t even want to be a Grinch. I didn’t even know I was a Grinch. But now we know they pulled off my mask and now I was all Grinchafied with a big old hole in my heart.
Nothing never hurt me so bad as that and I had a lot of things hurt me. I had, my mom punched me in the face. My daddy beat me with a belt. I been hungry. I been all touched up and I say, “you get off of me.” Keep those girls safe. And then here come along the first person that helped me and be decent about it and be my buddy and I dun messed it up.
I thought I’d grow up and be a cool kid. And I grew up and be a Grinch. And I though that's not okay with me. I gotta do something about that cuz you remember that sign on her wall, it said, “you always got choice.” And I thought well I don’t want to choose Grinch. I gotta get over that. We gotta snapped me out that.
Man it’s getting warm out here. I wish I was on boat. I jump right in that lake.
Except guess what? Last Fourth of July I woke up and it was just hot outside when I heard fireworks. This year I heard fireworks and I woke up and guess what? We got a pool out there. I mean it's a little bitty pool, but it’s a big as me. I'm get in there and I’m a cool off good. I feel nice after that. And I’ll say, “man I baptize myself, clean off all my Grinch.” I got repentance and I'm sorry. I gotta fix it. I got be nice to people. And then my hole in my heart, I just gotta deal with it. I got put some putty in there, fill it up. Fix it with some tools, cuz there ain’t nothing I can do about it now. It’s over. It’s Memory Time. And I thought well maybe that's where I live cuz that was the nicest safest place I've ever been to was that office. But it’s not there anymore. So now that office in Memory Time too.
So here's what I’m gonna do. She moved her things to a new office and I can't go there. So the other office is empty and I’ll just move my hammock in there and that's where I'll be sleeping inside. It’s getting too hot sleeping in a tent.
The husband he said “you know you can sleep in this house.” He said, “Kris,” that’s Dr. E, he said, “she paid for it. You can sleep inside. I'm not even here.” And I said, “Well, what happen to you? Why do you move out?” Now I think everybody's leaving us. Nobody's staying. I don’t got nothing except these six loudmouthed kids that just laughen’ and playen’ in the water in their clothes. They said, “we can't play in the water in our clothes.” And I said, “well why not?” Nobody's even here. You might as well play in the water. If you've gonna be, if you’ve gonna be, if you’re gonna be in your swimsuit, you should have brought them. But you didn't bring them, so. I know, I know, I know. I know Em’s rules and I tell her she'd better take off her shoes. And I tell them they better take off their shoes.
But if you see a waterpark, and you see a a splashpad, and it’s on and nobody's there to bother. Then don't matter how big your body is. You just gotta get in that water and play. That's what I think about that.
[Loud trilling call] Time to go buddies!
There's little bodies coming. We gotta go.
[Indistinguishable children’s voice. Children’s voices are in italics]
Say, “bye park!” Bye park!
Say, “bye splashpad!” Bye splashpad!
Say, “man that was fun!” Man that was fun.
[Break]
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