Transcript: Episode 34
34. Bus Stop
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Hi guys, it’s Sasha, and guess what? You won’t believe what happened. We totally got to connect with some friends at the end of conference. It’s like once conference was finished, then it felt safe enough to finally make connections. So, I did not get to talk to the Susan Pease Banitt lady that we really liked and I did not get to talk to everybody or hang out all weekend. And that’s really frustrating, but I did get to meet with a few friends and meet with them for just a few moments - not a long time and not a lot. Both because it was the end of conference and because we were totally freaking out inside and had several issues of trying to prevent...well, just trying to stay safe.
So, that was really hard, but it was good to actually meet some people. But also, at the same time, the safety of not interacting with people or being there very much is really kind of a big thing. So, I wanted to explain more of that, because it’s really, really risky or it feels really, really risky. So either, I did a good job and we held out as long as we could and then it just fell apart, because we couldn’t do it anymore, or we did an okay job and just trusted a few select people to get to connect with after that stress of conference was over. I’m honestly not even sure which is true.
But, you have to remember the whole context, right? So, we have been stalked in the past. We have been followed in the past. We have had lots of violations like she talked about some we’ve been through just with therapy, that doesn’t even count real life and stuff we’ve been through there. And then also, someone just reported us to family services at Christmas time. And we talked about all that and how it was closed and all of that was over with very quickly, because we hadn’t actually done anything wrong. But, it makes it really scary to identify ourselves or do anything to put even the outside kids at risk, which we would never, ever, ever do.
So, if that means not being out and about at conference, then that’s what it looks like. Now if the husband is right, and that’s not how it has to translate, then we have to learn and practice and get better at that. But for right now, that’s where we’re at and what’s going on and why it was hard - just at a superficial, super fast level.
So, we had some trouble with our flights getting home. It was not as scary to fly home as it was to fly to the conference. We were way less anxious at the end of conference and able to get on the plane and all of that. But we did have some plain changes because we do have a runner - stuff like that’s really hard for us. And so we had some issues, but the plane waited for us and we made it onto our second plane and made it home safely. So I just want to let everyone know, that we did get home safely, even though it was hard.
And the outside children were super excited to see us and we took them out to eat and had a good time of reconnecting with them, but also they’re loud and crazy. So, that was good and I was actually going to do a whole podcast just about safety and why that’s important to us and I wrote out a list of some of the reasons that we didn’t want to just hang out at conference all the time, even though it was super fun, but when I came to the phone to do the podcast, here was what I found.
Okay, this is Taylor and I’m going to talk about some things, because I’m really upset. First of all, I’m not okay with going to a conference all about DID and being with other people who are exactly like us and not getting to see them all weekend. How was that helpful to be around the people who are the only ones who understand and not get to talk to them the whole time? I’m really angry about that.
In the end, we did get to see a few people who are safe, for just a few minutes and I’m glad about that. And I’m grateful that they were patient and still nice to us after we snubbed them all weekend. But, it’s not cool that we missed all that time that we could have connected with them.
I’m also upset that they kept leaving the sessions. How am I supposed to learn anything if we’re not there and so skipping out on sessions or changing sessions around or going to different ones was really frustrating too. But, I’m also upset that they never provided interpreters or the transcripts like they said would be there. Not even hard copies of the powerpoint, like that’s illegal. What they did was illegal, and it makes me not want to do that conference again. How can people participate and not be able to hear it or like our friends who had the drama with their seeing-eye dogs? Which is an ADA thing, that’s a legal issue. That’s not a preference thing or even a support thing and not at all disrespecting support dogs, but these were seeing- eye dogs, like legal, ADA approved, compliant...like ugh. I’m so frustrated about that.
And now I’m also upset, because they’ve told the therapist about the podcast. I mean, they’ve mentioned it before, but like she gave her the link to it and the information about it and that makes me mad for two reasons. One, if she knows about the podcast, then she’s not going to believe either the podcast or anything we say in her office. So, that just ruined everything on both counts. And two, it wasn’t fair for her to out us about the podcast or the rest of us who haven’t gone to therapy yet and haven’t talked about things. That’s not cool and that’s against her own rules that she set. So, I’m irritated about that.
And then the other thing is that they keep texting the therapist. They don’t need to text the therapist. They need to leave her alone, because if she is good and really is going to stick around, then we need to keep her. And so, I need them to not wear her out and make her all irritated where she hates us even more while we’re stuck dealing with each other because there’s nowhere else to go.
And then also, it’s just embarrassing - feeling connected to the therapist does not help me. It makes things harder and it makes things scarier. It makes things more confusing. I just wish they wouldn’t at all, like I’m really, really upset. And when I’m upset, it’s much harder for me to do the things I’m supposed to do inside, because I’m having to go around and put out fires and clean up messes instead of just doing my job.
So it was really hard to get us home. It was really hard to stay on the correct flights and actually land in the place we were supposed to land instead of flying off to who knows where, which I am trying to take care of. We almost went to Africa and now we have to use these tickets to Africa, because they won’t refund them. And so now we have to go to Africa. What am I supposed to do in Africa? I mean, I’m not a hater of Africa. I just mean, what am I supposed to do about that?
So we had to move those tickets and transfer that and figure it out, because that’s just out there and it was like $3,000. So I have to find a way to resolve that. I can’t prevent the things I’m supposed to prevent and take care of the things I’m supposed to take care of if they’re not working together as a team. And they can’t think that they know so much about what’s going on in here that they can just start making changes or establishing rules about how everything works when they don’t know how everything works.
So we got home late last night, picked up by the family, brought home, stayed here last night, but now because the roads are going to be bad again tomorrow, we have to leave again to another hotel so that we can go to therapy tomorrow. And we have to stay in a hotel again tonight, because I’m not staying with his parents. So, we don’t even get to unpack and we have to leave again. So the children are upset and the husband is worn out, because we’ve been gone. We can go to therapy tomorrow if we don’t get fired, because she told her about the podcast and they won’t leave her alone.
But I’m just mad and I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t want them in therapy. I don’t want them talking about things and I don’t want them exposing everything when we do make progress on some kind of connection. It’s not okay.
So according to the conference and everything we learned at the conference then what I am right now is dysregulated. I’m about ready to dysregulate the hell out of all this place and all these people. I don’t feel connected. And what connection I do feel feels dangerous to me. And I think too much is changing too fast and everybody needs to back off and slow down.
Not all of us are so cute and tiny and so easily rescued. I can’t even.
[Background noise]
[Silence for approximately 10 seconds]
What? So, this is Sasha again. So, what do I do about that? I can’t just take it to the therapist and be like hey, we got a message on the podcast, because that doesn’t make any sense. Also, I didn’t know she was mad about it. Is she really mad about it or are we just afraid that she’s mad about it? I don’t even know.
But also, I can’t just put that in a podcast, except it sounds like that’s what she wanted. So, do I leave it there to honor that? But how do we talk back to her? And everything’s kind of going crazy, because we have the notebooks, but now we have this journal that has the interview questions we did with the unboxing ourselves episode and so everybody’s learning about each other and so it’s a lot easier to talk to each other actually over the last month or two. Which is maybe progress, but also makes things weird in new ways and I think we’re having trouble adjusting to that.
And it’s so hard to get connected to our therapist, not because the therapist is bad, but just because we only see her once a week and stuff is happening so fast. And so there is...I think some of the disconnection I was talking about is that. It’s not really about the therapist. It’s about a lot is happening inside, so she’s kind of right about that, that a lot is going down in a very short amount of time.
So, how do we slow things down and how do we pace ourselves so that we’re making progress but being safe about it and not just crazy people? I don’t even know.
But dude, she sounds mad. Oh, and there’s also now an app. Did you know there’s an app? It’s called...what is it called? It’s called Self Talking, I think. We have an iPhone. So, it’s on our iPhone. But there’s other ones for android phones or whatever. So, you can find your own thing, but it’s an app where you can set up profiles for all the different ones inside, well not all of them because not all of them are in that place yet. But, the adults of us and John I guess, we can set up our own profile. Not with lots of details, but select our own picture and write what our name is and then we can text each other, you guys. It lets you text each other and have your own conversations and you know which threads are yours because of the pictures. And they keep all of the threads separate, but you can text the other people. So, it’s kind of like the notebook but faster because you can write something in there or like text them and then later the answer’s there, even if you don’t have access to the notebook. And it’s way more conversational.
The notebooks talk about what’s going on or what we did that day so we know what happened over time, I guess. Or if there’s stuff we want to tell the therapist, but the app is a way for us to talk to each other, even the ones like Molly, who don’t know how to talk to us directly. It’s insane and it’s crazy. And so it does totally feel like everything’s been blown open and so I don’t know if she’s upset about that, but she’s not on that app.
No one’s going to force her to participate, but I also get the not getting outed thing, because I got outed because I wasn’t going to therapy or talking to the therapist yet. Although I did watch her and talk about her. I was learning. But I wasn’t ready just to show myself and so obviously, I kind of took over the podcast and now if she knows about that and she knows about me and they put it in those meetings, then what the what?!
So, I kind of get that and this is a part of the deal. This is part of why things stay hidden, because there’s so much more there and it’s so darker than what they realize sometimes. Or what if we doing something wrong? Or if all that safety that we built isn’t real or even actually there? Like what if the therapist changes her mind? Or the husband changes his mind? So, all this Now Time Is Safe stuff all of the sudden doesn’t feel very safe if it’s not real or if it’s not staying, right?
So, I get what she’s saying and I get why it’s a concern, but I also thought we were doing a really good job and making legit progress and that all of it was good. So, if it’s my fault for messing things up or going too fast, then I’m sorry. But the conference wasn’t my fault and therapy isn’t my fault and that therapist...dude, I am telling you. I maybe have not gotten to see her every week of like, hello, my name is Sasha, can I talk to you? It’s not been like that, but I’ve seen some things and I know she means business. When we get there, we don’t waste any time. She is all about it. She rolls up her sleeves and we are on it.
So, that’s not my fault either. She doesn’t let us get away with anything. And also, I know the husband is trying to help. So you know how we were trying to learn about internal worlds or whatever and they’re trying to add these Christmas lights and different ways to communicate, which the app is one way that’s helping and the newsletter that he’s doing or whatever he’s trying to help at least until we can get all gathered, and you know how last week...was it even last week? I don’t even know. It feels like ten years ago.
When we had the thing in therapy where she went in there and rescued that girl with Molly. So, we haven’t even gotten to talk about that yet or process what’s happened since then. So, it’s been insane inside and we have a lot to say about what that’s been like and what’s been going on. But in the meantime, the husband was like, woah, woah, wait. The therapist can get in there? If the therapist can get in there, can I get in there? And I’m like wait, what? Hold onto your horses there, buddy. What? [Laughs] What?
And so now he’s gone off on this whole tangent about how he can help. And I think he’s super excited, because it’s finally a way he can do something when there’s so much that we’ve been through that he feels so helpless about. He feels sorry for us - not in a pity way, but in a he wasn’t there to rescue us or protect us kind of way. Which, I personally appreciate, but maybe not everybody appreciates it or maybe Taylor doesn’t like it or whatever. But it’s really a valid point that he has. And so he’s saying that we could use some of what we’re already doing to help us with this.
So, for example, you guys know that he writes musicals. We’ve talked about that. He’s a writer. He writes musicals so he does theater stuff. So, one thing that the husband and Cassy have always done is talked about if we had all the money in the world, which we don’t of course, but if we could, what kind of building would we buy and remodel to make it the coolest theater space ever? But where we could live above the theater. So like, Phantom of the Opera without the scary stuff, right? [Laughs]
Like where we could build a very cool theater and he could have his productions there, but we can live there, but we could live there instead of all this traveling and all this back and forth and he would have an audience that would always be there. It’s just daydreaming stuff, right?
Except what he’s saying is that we could do this and connect it all together and ultimately over time help everybody get out of the scary places and go there. Except that, he said he figured it out when he realized that Molly lives in a chapel, but there’s no chapel on the map. When you look at the map of where the houses are and the pasture is and the woods are and the grandparents’ house and all these things, there’s no chapel there.
So, where is Molly? And if she can’t see us because she’s not in the same place, then that makes sense. So, how do we get everybody else from there to a safe place to where Molly is? Except I don’t know about you...I don’t want to live in a chapel. With all due respect, just no. I don’t want to live in a chapel. I’m not a nun. What? There’s no place to live inside a chapel. So, I’m glad that’s her safe place, but we can’t live there.
And so what Nathan was saying was if he understands what the therapist was doing, then what we can do ultimately is the same thing for everybody and create a safe space inside that is safe for everybody. Which I guess is what they were talking about in group. But, it’s really intense and it literally makes my brain hurt and I know Dr. E will say that your brain can’t actually hurt. But mine does, you guys. This makes my mind hurt. It makes my brain hurt.
And so he’s taking what we’ve learned from group and taking what happened with the therapist and saying this is what we could do. And so what he is offering, is for us to work to help create the theater space like we’ve always talked about, but just inside. And he says that even when we go to see his plays or his shows or his musicals or whatever, that we could gather in this place so that everybody could watch them and everybody could enjoy that part of our relationship with him. Which is kind of cool actually. Is that even possible? Is that a thing?
But what he’s saying is that this building would need, just like if we did it in real life, where we lived above the theater, it would need other things that all of us need to function and feel safe. So that I could create my own room and my own place and the little’s could have their own spaces and the things that they need and Katie could have an art room and a studio and all the things that she needs. Dr. E could move her library there. All of the things so that we could all have a safe space, but all what we need and all be together.
And he said we could even recreate like a meeting space where we come together for those meetings, but in a way we could all get there. And I was like, how do we do that? Because that seems impossible and I don’t know if it’s even a thing. Like, can you do that? And so that’s what I said. That’s what I said to him. I was like, can you do that? And do you know what he said?
Okay, first of all, he’s crazy and hilarious. But he was onto something and okay, I know I’m not being coherent right now, but I don’t know how to explain how this happened. So, when we were in therapy and she put Christmas lights in there, we were like, what? How does she even get in here? How did that happen? But, she did it. She said it and it just happened. It was magical, except not scary. I don’t understand what happened. But, she did and then she left a ladder and tools and how?
And then when she rescued the girl and got the girl up to the attic so she’s at least with the other people and safe and not being hurt, even though it’s not a safe place. She figured out that it’s not a comfortable place in the attic while she was in there. And I’m like, how do you know these things? I guess because she’s a therapist, duh. But ugh.
But so she was like, but it’s warm in here now and there’s a heater and it’s working and also there are snacks and also no one’s hungry and da da da and all these things... How did you do that? How did you just like speak it into being, like some kind of God or Aslan in Narnia or something? Like, what happened?
And so then the husband did the same thing. He was like yes, this is the place and we’re going to build it and da da da. And he got me all excited about it and then I was like but, wait, how can we do that for real? We can’t do that for real. And he was like, oh, yes we can, because if you look out your window and see across the street from the house, there’s a bus stop. It’s new, but there’s a bus stop. So anyone who wants to come visit, or help build or is actually ready to move, is welcome to come anytime. They just need to ride the bus. [Laughs] What? How did he do that? He put in a bus stop in my head.
[Laughs]
What the? What?
[Laughs]
I don’t know how to process that. How did he do that?
[Laughs]
It makes my head hurt. So this is a thing. And so now he sent an email for all of us to read about this idea and has sent it for us to talk to the therapist about. As if that’s not item 863 on the list of things to talk to the therapist about. But if we’re getting fired tomorrow, then I don’t even want to go. That’s scary. So, what is she mad about? I don’t know if it’s because so much has happening or because we’re talking about this or think that some people are leaving or the Taylor’s are in a bad place. So, what if they think they’ll be left there and we will go without them? Maybe that’s why they’re mad. Are they scared instead of mad?
Like, oh man? I don’t know. So much is happening so fast and my brain is processing more than I know how to do by myself. So, it’s good that we have therapy tomorrow, but I don’t even know who’s going to be there or what we’re going to talk about or how to catch her up as fast as everything that’s happening, but also still actually do therapy. Which is not the same as only catching up to what’s happening, is it? Or is that the same thing? I don’t even know. I think we’re failing therapy. Ugh.
We can’t mess this one up.
Okay, so that’s the husband and that’s his idea and that’s what he’s talking about and so I don’t know if Taylor’s all mad about that. Maybe she should just be the one driving the bus and the bus doesn’t leave until she’s good and ready. I don’t know. I don’t want her to crash the bus though, you guys.
[Laughs]
Ugh, my brain. I don’t know how to make it 24 hours. In 24 hours, we will be back in therapy for better or worse. And so one way or the other, it will be over.
[Laughs]
Ugh, I don’t know. Except the roads are supposed to be wet and cold in the morning, which makes them not safe to drive on at 4:00 am to get to therapy on time. Which means we have to drive all four hours today, even though we just got home from the airport last night. We have to drive four hours today to get there while the roads are still okay so that we can be there for therapy and not miss it, but then after therapy, it’s supposed to be warm enough the roads are fine enough to get home. So, that’s the plan is I guess we just move everything from one suitcase to a smaller suitcase and go to therapy and talk to her about it tomorrow if she even lets us have an appointment. I don’t even know anymore, from what Taylor has said.
Also, I just... I don’t even know. There’s a lot to talk about about Taylor and this is probably not the time or place. Except she left a message and put it here and I can’t just take it out. She wanted it on there, because that’s where she left the message, right? So, how do we work together with that? Or honor that or respect that or whatever I’m supposed to be learning how to do? And why is there a bus stop? How did that happen? This is so embarrassing.
Ugh. I don’t even know. I’m not sure that we’re getting better. I think maybe we’re getting crazier. Maybe we’re actually falling apart. I thought up until the conference [laughs], I thought we were doing really well. I, myself, was proud of our progress and I, myself, could tell you, here’s how I know we’re getting better, da da da da da. But since conference and this morning, I am completely off the charts don’t understand what’s happening, and overwhelmed and in shock is how I feel. But, I don’t know what I’m in shock about. There’s so much happening.
We still need to talk about getting that girl out in therapy last week, like 10 days ago on the outside time, right? Because our appointment was on Monday, but we were coming home from conference yesterday. So, we don’t have therapy again until Wednesday. We need to talk about that.
We need to talk about conference. We need to talk about the podcast. We need to talk about Taylor. We need to talk about the husband’s idea and none of that’s happening in two hours. We couldn’t even talk about one of those things in two hours and we will probably spend two hours trying not to talk about any of it. So, I don’t know how we’re supposed to do therapy. I think I can’t. We need help.
Maybe we need a therapist for therapy. Oh no, because that’s kind of how our therapist got to us in the first place. [Laughs] Ugh.You guys, this is really hard. It is really hard and we’re not even talking about hard stuff right now. I mean, everything on our list right now is good. It’s good that Taylor’s talking. It’s good that the husband has an idea. It’s good that the therapist helped rescue somebody. It’s good that we went to a conference.
But, it all feels bad. How messed up is that? Like what is wrong that everything feels backwards? It’s like through the looking glass, like we’re in some kind of Alice In Wonderland messed up place where everything is backwards and all the stuff that’s good and all the stuff that’s connection, all the stuff that’s supposed to be helping and healing feels dangerous and it’s not.
I know this is good. Now Time Is Safe. That’s legit, right? Isn’t it? Tell me it is. I don’t know why it feels backwards and I don’t know how to calm down enough and long enough to stay in the process and not quit or run away. It’s really, really hard. I feel like my skin is being pulled off. That was rather graphic. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else to describe it. That’s what it feels like.
I think maybe in therapy, we are either in the middle of a really big breakthrough or everything’s about to fall apart. That’s what it feels like. That’s where we’re at and I honestly don’t know which is which.
[Break]
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