Transcript: Episode 78
78. Julie Calls the Cops
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
***Interview Begins***
Interviewer: Bold Font
Interviewee: Standard Font
[Laughs] Okay. I’m here. We are here.
Howdy do.
We are here, with Julie. Julie has come to visit us. [Laughs] Julie has spent the day on an airplane, and then another airplane, and it was frightening, and terrible, and she was fantastically brave to come visit us. [Laughs] And she’s now been stuck in our home for nine hours.
How are you doing, Julie? [Laughs]
Look. Okay, I just have a suggestion, and take it as you will. Might I suggest that you prefer not to select an aisle seat. [Laughs] Okay? Because I had a lot of private parts in my face today, from an aisle seat, as they were passing by and smacking me in the side of the head.
Okay, so apparently today we’re talking about triggers. [Laughs] Because… .
[Laughs]
That was unpleasant. [Laughs] It was unpleasant for Julie, the first time. It was unpleasant for us hearing about it.
Yes. And let’s talk about that last one. Okay? And here’s another trigger warning.
Is that only Gatorade?
Yeah, you want some?
[Laughs] No. Just making sure that’s all it was.
It’s orange. I don’t drink.
I know, but --
Um… .
Okay, go ahead.
Just watching our six. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
She’s only momming, because I’m here. And that’s how she gets to be the mom.
It’s true.
But she does it really well.
That’s false.
That’s not false. It’s like a musical symphony.
[Laughs]
They all disperse into their little spaces, and then they’re like homing pigeons. THe’re so awesome. They’re like pigeon with their scroll to their one destination, and then they come back for me. It’s really a symphony that doesn’t occur at my house.
[Laughs] That is not my training. That is Em’s training.
Yes, and she does it methodically, and really good.
You know what I think why we have to do it? It’s not just all their special needs. It’s because of dissociating. Because they can function without her. Because all I did was sit in the chair. [Laughs] I really did not parent.
[Laughs] But you vocalized the directions.
Mostly not.
Um, yes you did. Who would like to be the room inspector? Okay, you’re --
Okay, that I just made up.
Oh, I love it. Okay, so she was modeling good parenting, and really, I should of had a notepad taking notes.
[Laughs] No.
Okay. So, she can try to tell you that she’s not a good mom, but she’s a very good mom.
Are you mocking me?
No, I’m serious.
What? [Inaudible]
Nothing. I just watch.
Okay.
Okay. You have your things. I have my things. I watch my six. I watch your six. I watch our six.
[Laughs]
It’s a, I got your back, I got my back, and we know how to get there.
Yes.
Uh huh. Because we’re safe. I’m a safe friend, and I’m modeling that. [Laughs]
But you’re not making fun of my parenting?
No. Not at all. It really puts mine to shame.
No, that’s not true.
No, because mine includes a lot of yelling. [Laughs]
Oh.
Like, “Come here.” “I want you.” “Come down here.” “I’m going to count to three.” Right? Really poor parenting. Right? Because the whole counting to three thing -- I read an article. It’s very not so good.
We -- yeah. Yelling is a trigger, I think. It happens sometimes, though. And honestly, here’s the funny thing too. Half of the people in our family are deaf. [Laughs] So sometimes there’s yelling happening of just literal volume level for someone to understand. Which is not the same as you’re in trouble yelling, or I’m angry yelling.
Right. Yeah. See, and I yell, because they can’t hear me.
And usually we end with a more snuggly routine, but I’m not doing the snuggling routine. And you were giving out prizes, and I was perfectly happy with that being a substitute. [Laughs]
Whatever. Don’t let her fool you. She was giving hugs, and smooches, to the kids. They are loved, and cared for, and nurtured. She did a very good job.
Oh my goodness. Okay, let’s talk about something else.
Okay. She’s very self conscious about it. And I don’t know why, because she really does a good damn job. [Laughs]
Wow. Thank you for that. No. I’m self conscious, because DHS just came to our house, because someone said we were crazy.
Who said you were crazy?
Well, probably someone on Reddit. But we’re not talking about that.
Oh, we don’t care about them. You know what they say about opinions? Everybody’s got one, and they all stink. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
So, Julie’s here for the week. And then this weekend, we are going to meet our friend Donna, at the cabin, and having a girl’s weekend. And we’re super excited.
Super excited.
Without children.
Right. And listen, she can’t hang up on me this podcast, because her face hurts, because I’m in front of her. [Laughs]
[Laughs] She’s real. I did not make up Julie. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
Everything will be documented.
I even put on spanx for her today.
[Laughs]
You know? To keep the fluff to a minimum puff. [Laughs]
I would like to document that I do not wear spanks, for anybody.
[Laughs] No. She wore jeans. But, I wore a dress for TSA, in case they had to do what they do.
[Laughs]
And then I put spanks underneath. It’s a little extra personal security. You know? Because triggers. Right? And so, I did that. And then apparently, my spanx bunched on my leg, and that required me to get frisked. And as the lady’s trying to come and frisk me, I’m like pulling up my dress, so she can see the spanx, so that she knows I don’t have any contraband. [Laughs] And she’s like, “Put your dress down, ma’am.”
[Laughs]
“Put your dress down.” And I’m like, “Oh, no. Let me show you. I promise. I’m going to be good on the plane. I know I look maladaptive.”
Maybe you got a holster down there.
Right? Or something. I had something. And so, I was just trying to be a facilitator of peace.
[Laughs]
Without being really groped?
[Laughs]
It is an example of how you have to protect yourself in public situations that are difficult for everybody. Nobody likes the security at the airport, even if all of us need it.
Right.
Nobody likes getting frisked. Well, that’s probably not true.
I don’t.
[Laughs] Sure. I’m kidding.
[Laughs]
It’s so --
Hello, pleasure!
[Laughs] It’s so intrusive, and it’s so scary.
Violating.
It’s so scary, and overstimulating. And it’s so invasive.
Really? I don’t find it stimulating. [Laughs]
Oh my goodness. I can’t even.
You said it.
I don’t even know how to edit this. So, [laughs] -- do not spit Gatorade on me. But the point is, it’s a normal thing everyone has to go through. It’s not trauma specific. It bothers everyone. So, you can imagine with trauma issues, obviously, how things like that get even worse. And so, it’s important to know how to deal with things like that, not just when it happens, but proactively. So, these were premeditated spanx.
With an “x” and not a “ks.” [Laughs]
Oh my goodness. [Laughs]
It was --
[Laughs] Oh my goodness.
I can’t believe the husband doesn’t listen to our podcast. [Laughs] He’s missing out on such good quality. [Laughs]
Our friend, Jane, was supposed to come with us this weekend to be with Donna. But she’s busy getting the Critics Choice Award. Did you know that?
Go, Jane! Woot woot!
I’m so proud of her. Super excited. No matter what they decide, or who the award goes to, it’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. And if you knew how that whole production team has taken care of Jane, and --
They really have.
They have done so well. And Erika, the producer, is going with her, and keeping her safe, and being her comfort person. This is not my story. So, I don’t want to keep talking about it, but they have handled it all so well. And I’m super excited and proud of her.
This is a special report. Breaking --
[Laughing]
The podcast stopped on its own in the recording process, and we had to be awesome, and find out where we started. So, back to our continuing story with background road noise. But --
No! We lost two hours of a really good interview. We had the best podcast ever, and nothing got recorded, except for those 10 minutes.
I know, but we were at but -- butt… .
What was the big but?
No.
[Laughs]
See, she’s not helpful. Then --
We were talking about Jane. That’s where we left off. We were talking about Jane, and how she was supposed to come up with us, but she broke her foot. But her foot is not actually broken, because now we know she’s been to the doctor. Because it’s been 24 hours later than the beginning of the podcast.
Oh, it’s not broken?
It’s not broken all the way. But she’s still going to be on crutches, and has to stay off of it. And so, what she’s going to do at the awards, and how to get around to the awards, that’s going to be a challenge.
Well, and in that two hours that we podcasted, and we didn’t even get to hear the first run through --
The lost tapes.
The last conversations of Julie and Sasha.
[Laughs]
Is that we felt inclined to offer up our fashion suggestion of bedazzling her trike, that she could put her leg on.
Oh, that’s right! We said that she should get one of those scooters where she rides on her knee.
Mmhmm.
So Jane, if you’re listening -- I’ll send this to you so you can listen. We think you should get one of those cool, little bike things, that you put your leg up on, and scoot around on.
Mmhmm.
So that you protect your feet while you’re getting your reward. But then Julie said that my husband, who is a crafty fellow --
Uh huh. Very crafty.
[Laughs]
He throws chicken parties. It’s really great. And I’m not talking about fried chicken. I’m talking chicken, chicken. Gobble, gobble.
[Laughs]
Oh, sorry. That’s a turkey. Cluck cluck.
That’s a whole different story. We’ll have to tell them about it, because that’s happening next weekend actually. Anyway, poor Jane. We miss you very much. We hope you are healing. We hope you feel better. We are thinking of you, and she is coming after Africa. So, we will see her this summer.
Your summer’s going to be very busy. I’d also like to say that I encourage bedazzles to the crutches, to the cast, to the scooter, because that way, you can be on best dressed red carpet.
No, you know what Jane does? The collages.
[Gasps]
She should collage her leg.
Paper Mache it. Mod Podge. That is your friend, Jane.
Jane, we want you to collage your leg for the awards.
But I still think you need bling, for the sparkle.
We’re going to watch E! For your fashion markers. And we’re going to know we called it first, that you were going to collage your leg.
Yes.
[Laughs]
And you know what? If they say you were not best dressed, then we will send upsetting troll emails to them, letting them know --
That is false. We are not engaging in any troll behavior. [Laughs] Okay, we’re going to leave poor Jane alone. We love you, Jane. We miss you this week. You were supposed to be here with us.
Love you! Love to you! Love to all of your system. Hugs and high fives.
Also, yeah -- so we will see you this summer, Jane. Okay.
No. We won’t. You will. Well, y’all will.
Sadness. In my imagination, you’re just here now.
I know, but like, I’m pliable.
Ugh, you’re real. I didn’t just make you up.
Malleable. Right? Malleable? Is that the word?
Thanks for being real.
Is that the word? Malleable.
I don’t know. Are you like Play-Doh?
No, but I am handy.
You are so handy. So, here’s what you guys need to know. Julie has now been here for 24 hours, and in 24 hours, she has bathed my children - in appropriate ways. Okay, so the youngest wanted to wear a swimsuit, and pretend to swim in the bathtub. But Julie took care of that for me. So, she did that. And she has done dishes repeatedly, because there are nine people in my house - eight people, plus Julie. I’m talking about outside bodies. And so, that’s a lot of dishes.
[Car Honking]
Wow, that’s terrible.
Really, dude? Really? We’re podcasting, and our podcasters don’t want to hear your honk.
[Laughs]
Okay.
I need a peppermint.
[Laughs]
I got to settle the hammer down.
Easy, boy.
Shake it off. [Laughs] Shake it off! Shake it off!
So, not only has she done all of the dishes, and helped my daughter to pretend to swim in the bathtub, but she also cooked dinner last night, and cooked dinner today. And then tonight, one of them helped fix the bike for my child. Are you still here?
Mmhmm. I’m just watching there, seven o’clock, nine o’clock.
There are hooligans in the parking lot. We are at the park. Actually a different park than we were last night, and we are trying to podcast, but there are hooligans.
We’re good. I got this. Keep going.
[Laughs]
[People talking]
So, if the hooligans come after us, we’re going to podcast Julie taking them down.
Are you okay?
Mmhmm. Don’t turn around. I’m watching. I got you.
You don’t want me to turn around?
No.
What is he doing to that girl?
I’m watching. They are just pulling on each other. It’s playful, aggressive banter.
Gross.
If it gets any further, then I will contact Kansas City’s finest. Oh, good job. She just kicked him in the no no’s.
[Laughs] Best podcast ever.
[Laughs]
This is the podcast where Taylor and Hammer take down the strangers in the park.
[Laughs] The hammer.
Get on with your bad self.
It’s The Hammer. Let’s be clear. And The Hammer handles business. You know… If she really tried hard, she could get him in the right spot, and get 10 points. I’m very excited.
[Laughs]
She is the aggressor. He is not so much. But he thinks she’s playing. Little does he know she’s psycho.
She is not playing.
Right.
Okay. Are you okay?
Oh, we’re good. You and I, now time is safe. We’re good.
Okay. Do you want to explain what we saw? Because this is a podcast, which you listen to. [Laughs]
Oh, yeah. Okay, so let me tell you how it went down. So, we have a scantily clad woman, with blonde hair, in the parking lot, who's possibly intoxicated in either a medicinal form that’s not prescribed by your local pharmacist, or -- [laughs].
[Laughs]
Or she is intoxicated by your local brewery company. And so she’s making poor choices, and sending confusing messages to what I would prefer to call a hooligan, because gentleman would be a stretch. And it got a little tense there for a hot second. So, The Hammer had to come and just be ready for the situation, because that’s what he does. And so, sorry we had to take that short pause. But I’m sure it will be edited out.
Editededed.
So anyway, Hammer’s covering Sasha’s three to nine, and Sashsa is covering Hammer’s nine to three.
I got your six.
Yeah. She’s got my six. I’ve got her six. And the plan is already determined that if we have to go, we’re going to go straight for the car. And her job is the door lock, and my job is kicking ass. That’s how that goes. Pardon my english. We still have it going?
Yes.
Oh, good. Okay, so she’s partially laughing, but that is not a good position. It’s very triggering.
Yeah.
So, we’re going -- which would you feel more comfortable with? A call to Kansas’s finest?
[People yelling in the distance]
Or exiting? Or both?
I’m really sad.
[Broken glass]
Who’s the third guy that’s following them?
He’s what you call a bystander. And you know what’s not good about a bystander? Is when they watch aggressive, and abusive, and inappropriate behavior happening, and they just watch. But they don’t intervene, or try to alleviate the situation.
It seems like he’s involved with them. I mean, we’re bystanders. We’re bysitters.
Okay then, maybe we should call the police. Because I don’t like how he’s got her in that position. That’s an issue.
So, do you want to call from here or from the car? Do you need me to stop recording, or keep recording?
No, let’s show people how you do the right thing.
Okay.
To regular 911, here?
We have to go if the police comes, right?
Hmm?
We have to go if you’re calling the police, right?
Why? They’re here to protect us. We’re not doing wrong. Are we?
No.
Okay, well then, we’re good. I got this. Police are our friends.
Not my friends.
Well, they haven’t done a lot for me to benefit.
[Phone ringing]
Hmm. Well, I’m going to give you a show too.
[Clears throat]
***911 phone call between Julie and the dispatcher***
Dispatcher: 991 - what’s your emergency
Where are we at?
[Silence]
Um, hold on. One second, sir. I’m trying to get a location. What’s the name of this park?
I apologize. I’m from out of state, and we’re at the park. What’s this road?
It’s by [inaudible] -- I think.
We think it’s [Inaudible].
Dispatcher: [Inaudible] Park?
That sounds right. It’s got --
A path all the way around it that’s --
A path all the way around it, and then [inaudible].
Dispatcher: Okay. What’s going on, ma’am?
Um, we have two males and a female here - both 20’s to -- somewhere between 20 and 30. But because it’s dark, we can’t really see. And we have one male that’s being aggressive towards a female, but the female is instigating him with some -- the aggression.
Dispatcher: Are they fighting?
Yes.
Dispatcher: Are they play fighting?
It’s more physical. Like, he’s put her down to -- in bad positions. But then she’s also instigating it by -- I’ve watched her proceed to try to kick him in his private areas about three times.
Dispatcher: Okay. So. she’s taking him to the ground.
He’s taken her to the ground. She’s kicked him in the privates. And by privates, I mean the front.
Dispatcher: Okay.
She’s tagged ten points.
Dispatcher: Are they far away from where you are?
Um, they just walked behind us, past the rock park. They’re going around the lake. But I think it’s because they were --
Dispatcher: Which side of the lake are they on? Are they [inaudible]?
Down the playground.
Huh? They’re near the playground. They’re on the playground.
Dispatcher: Where are you guys at?
We were at the picnic tables. We were sitting down having a conversation, because [inaudible].
[Background noise of walking, and Julie talking in the background to the dispatcher]
No, it’s two males - six foot, or higher. And she’s about [inaudible] Right. The other one [inaudible].
[Car keys jangling]
At the playground, on the rocks.
Dispatcher: Did you say at the playground, on the rocks?
Yeah. And they’re coming toward the vehicle - our vehicle. But we’re pulling out, because we’re two females, and I don’t want to get into a situation that is two vehicles. Oh, here’s your officer. He’s here.
Dispatcher: Yeah. What type of vehicle are you in?
We’re in an SUV, driving toward the officer.
Dispatcher. Okay. Talk to him, and tell him what you saw, and where they are.
He said to stop and tell him what you saw.
He’s walking towards them now.
Dispatcher: Yes, sir.
He waved us on.
And he waved us on. Because they’re the only three there. They’re the only three in that location. But I didn’t see any aggressive behavior from the heavy set gentleman, but I saw it from the tall man in all white. And then the female.
Dispatcher: The one wearing all white was the aggressor?
In all black. I’m sorry. In all black, but he’s a white male. Sorry. I misspoke.
Dispatcher: Okay.
Dissociation is a bitch. [Laughs]
Dispatcher: Okay. Can I get your name and number?
Yes, my name is Julie. And my phone number --
Dispatcher: Will you spell that last name?
Yes. It’s [inaudible].
Dispatcher: Now I know you’re far away, but did you see any weapons at all?
I didn’t see any weapons, but I saw her be the aggressor, and then he kind of -- he overtook her. Because at one point, he had her so that her face was between his legs, on the ground.
Dispatcher: Was he defending her off of him?
I wouldn’t call it defended. I would say he aggressed back at an equal level, because she had tried to -- Well, she hadn’t really tried to. She actually hit him in his private areas, in the front.
Dispatcher: Okay. Okay. We have the officer there, and I appreciate the call. Thank you.
Okay, thank you. Buh bye.
Dispatcher: Buh bye.
***End of Police all***
Oh, I wasn’t very good at that. But whatever. We didn’t stand there and watch.
Amen. Oh my goodness.
And look, we had cops there quick, too. They were good. That was a good response time. He must have got tagged by the board. That was very effective. Okay, so we’ll stay right here. And we’ll hide from evil.
Yeah.
Mmhmm. A mint. [Laughs]
Was Taylor okay with the way I handled that?
Everything’s fantastic. Fantastic, Julie.
See, we’re safe. Now time is safe. Julie doesn’t put up with any BS. [Laughs]
I’m glad that you feel like the police are on your side. I was like, “Get in the van. We’re leaving.”
Well, you can’t leave the scene unless it’s a scene where you feel --
I can leave any scene I want to leave.
Right. Well, you can, but realistically if you want to be effective, you need to stay at the scene so that you can provide the information they need to pursue the charges against the abuser.
When you don’t have police coming to your house to take your children away.
Right. But this is a totally different scenario.
That’s what you think, but --
But it’s a trigger.
Yes. And when they have your information, and it’s on file.
All up in your business. Mmhmm.
And they can come to your house.
Who is coming up? Did I hit the door lock button?
[Door locking]
Okay, good. [Laughs]
You think Sasha is bad about the door lock? No. [Laughs] She ain’t got nothing on me. We’re good, boo.
I’m glad I’m taking you to Missouri tomorrow. If they call you, and ask for an address, you be like, “I’m at this resort in Missouri, and --.”
They’re not going to ask me for an address. And here’s what we’ll do, I’ll do a motion for a telephonic testimony.
Hoo.
Because I’m smart. Because I’m not paying to come back, unless they’re going to put me up at my friend's house.
You can not give people our --
Right. Are we gone?
No. It’s still recording.
Remember we couldn’t let it go dead, because that’s how we lost everything yesterday. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
We had to do like a song, and keep it staying alive.
We recorded for two hours, and we were so funny. And then we were so serious.
Right. We had it all.
Now it’s all gone. It’s gone.
I know. I know.
And now we’re podcasting a police call.
We were like Adelle. We were rolling in the deep.
[Laughs]
[Laughs] Speaking of Adelle.
Oh, please tell the story of what you did to my husband, and our friend, Donna.
[Laughs] Well, it was not intentional.
Okay, so I had determined that not only am I special to an extent, but my body parts have their own personalities as well, because apparently they’re traumatized too. [Laughs] And so -- so, I was at a softball game a couple weeks ago, and I went and I didn’t have pockets on my legging pants. Right? Because if you’re going to play coach, which I don’t play coach, I just do one and dissociate a lot.
[Laughs] If you’re going to be the coach, you need to look the part. Right? So, I had on my leggings. You know? The exercise girl leggings. And my little cute top, that goes with the exercise girl leggings. I was looking really cute. Well obviously, that outfit, I didn’t buy the leggings with the pocket, because if it can’t be bought at Wal-Mart with the pocket, then I’m not buying it. [Laughs] Because I do cute cheap. And so [laughs] I ended up putting my phone in my automatic pockets. And for those of you that don’t know what the automatic pockets are, that would be the bra.
[Laughs]
[Laughs] They’re everywhere I want to be, like a Visa card. And so I put my phone in my bra, and apparently, my girl on the left decided that she needed $8,800 from Sasha’s husband. And so my girl on the left decided that she wanted to just send a request, because she’s thoughtful, and she wants to bring home some bacon too. And so I got in the car, and I pull out my phone to check to see if I have messages from my girl Sasha, or Emma, or one of my many friends.
Hey, green light means go. Green light means go.
I am looking for my wallet. Stop it.
It’s been real green for a long time. It’s in your pocket.
No, I don’t have a pocket.
Oh, well we have an issue. Okay, so I’m going to continue the story while she peruses. You didn’t leave it on the table, did you?
I don’t think I took it out of the car. Oh, it’s over here. We’re good.
Okay. Alright.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
So, where was I in that story? Because I was concerned about that wallet, because I was with you earlier today when we did that wallet. It was magical. Anyway [laughs], oh yeah -- so, I pulled out my phone and I went to check for my messages to see if my homegirl had sent me a message, because it’s kind of like Christmas when she sends me a message. And she had not, but I noticed that my girl on the left had sent her husband a nice message, requesting $8,800.
So, I was completely mortified and embarrassed. Right? Because obviously, I don’t need any money. And that’s not the kind of friendship we have, because we have good boundaries. Right?
Yes.
And so --
Woah.
Yeah, let’s not hit the train. You’re telling me that I shouldn’t be concerned about your driving?
[Laughs]
I almost met Heavenly Father. Thank you, Heavenly Father.
Oh my goodness. That was really scary.
You want to know what it’s like to drive with Sasha? Let me tell you. Okay, if you have any outside children around or of the age of 16, 17, 18, it is very comparable.
[Laughs]
So, if we are judging her driving based on her age, she is at that exact maturity.
[Laughs] I didn’t hit the train. The train didn’t hit us.
Hammer wouldn’t kill us. [Laughs] So, moving on, we were talking about my girl on the left. So, I was embarrassed that she had sent a request to my bestie's husband, because before this weekend, I had never talked to him. Right? Other than to hear him chuckle about how he’s more her best friend. [Laughs] But --
I need the train to go, because what if the police come behind us?
They’re not going to come behind us. And if they do, we’re going to proceed at the speed limit, because we have not done anything wrong. We are the victims. And actually, let’s rephrase. We are the survivors of that incident. Right? Because we used our smart skills. Okay? Hammer handled it. And I’m sure Taylor came real close, right? Yes? No? Maybe so? It’s not a cop car. You can go.
I can go?
No. Not right now, but you can go back to what you were doing, and relax. Hammer and Taylor have us. Right?
Ugh!
Okay, we’re going to get her a mint. Help yourself. Just dump it donwn.
I don’t even know how to open it.
It snaps. We’re going to have to stop at the QT and get some more of these. [Laughs]
We have top podcast from the QT. That would make you legit tourist.
Okay, let’s do it. Okay. I don’t mind. This is going to be the best podcast ever.
What else can go wrong? [Laughs]
This is called YOLO. You only live once.
It’s your fault, because you said we were going to Thelma and Louise it, and now I almost drove into a train.
Right, and which one is more badass? Thelma or Louise?
I don’t even know.
We’re going to have to watch that movie. I think it’s PG13.
I feel like that’s probably a bad idea. [Laughs] Go, go, go, go, go, go.
What is he -- got a little fast car coming behind him, to clean up after him. Okay, we cleared the railway.
[Laughs]
We’re going to see another mile.
[Laughs]
I feel like it would be a stretch to say we’re going to see another day. So, --
This is only the first 24 hours. [Laughs]
We’re going to take it by the mile. I’d also like to let everyone know that we are completely and utterly sober. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
Just in case you’re wondering. This is all natural. Now you understand why we can’t have alcohol or pharmaceuticals made on Grant street [laughs] --
[Laughs]
Because -- or Q Street, or R street, you know -- because we are crazy on our own. And actually --
That car is following us.
I feel like the crazy word -- keep going if they’re following us. Do not stop. Do not collect $200. Do not pass go. Oh, we’re good. He was just a tailgate rider. That’s not the car.
Okay, we’re going to park right here where I can see if the cops come.
Oh, good. And we’re right in front of the camera so they’ll know that we were here, in case -- see, we’re smart.
Okay.
Where were we? Okay, so my left breast decided to request $8,800 [Laughs] --
[Laughs]
From Emma’s Husband, Sasha’s Husband, everybody’s husband. Okay?
Wooey!
Hammer just started singing [inaudible] [laughs].
[Laughs]
So, be quiet. So then, that was obviously awkward. So, I had to send a nice note to my friend asking her how -- telling her -- I’m looking for my phone. Oh, there it is.
See, you panicked like I did. Here, put it down.
Here, you hold this.
That’s good.
So, I sent a message to my friend, and because I love you, I’m going to share it with you, listeners. Shoutout to my fan club.
[Laughs] Julie has her own fan club on the podcast.
I love them.
[Laughs] She gets emails on the website. They love her. They send her artwork.
I love them. Heart. You’re like McDoubles, I’m lovin’ it.
[Laughs] Oh my goodness.
Oh.
I cannot have the cops at my house, dude.
Dude, breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Put one foot in front of the other. Take one day at a time.
We don’t know them. No, that’s not the girl that was taking it. This is when y’all play games, and I think [inaudible] started hitting the automatic buttons.
[Laughs]
Because I was like, “Okay, so I have this and that won’t -- you know?” And then it went into the click buttons. I’m like Sasha was done right about here. So, this has to be my friend John, or that has to be my friend MK. Either way, it’s one of the two, and they’re both mischievous in a good way.
Okay.
Everyone’s learning how to use the phone.
I love them. Leave them alone. [Laughs] Oh, by the way, just an update, if you listen to -- just take this out of my hand, because I feel inclined to talk into the hole. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
That didn’t sound right. Who cares?
Oh, woman. Dude’s coming with a ladder.
If anybody listened to the closet podcast.
Wait, wait, wait. He’s coming after us.
No he’s not, dude. I give him props for carrying the heavy ladder. He’s not hammer awesome, but he’s good enough.
Is this back to seafood?
No! We’re on a diet.
You said about seafood. When did you say that? Was that on the podcast, or on the phone with Donna?
Well, I was kind of dissociating, and I think it was with Donna.
I think it was the same chick that was talking to the dude at the tire place today. [Laughs]
Somebody is telling me that I’ve messed it up. The way it should have been said was, just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu. I just can’t sample it.
[Laughs] There will be no sampling.
Right, because I love my husband, and he tolerates me.
Ah!
So, there’s that.
What is that like batman?
That’s a tricycle.
No. My daughter, who is four, wears a tricycle -- I mean, rides a tricycle. That is not a tricycle. He’s probably here with the cops.
See, here’s the problem. I send notes to my homegirl, Sasha, and then -- or John Mark. You know, I’m open to whoever. I send them to my people, right? Was this before the oob request, or after?
I have no idea.
This was when you were in West Virginia, and I sent you dinner.
I don’t know. That was really nice of you to send us dinner.
Well, my friend [inaudible] was very happy.
[Laughs]
And I was happy about that. Okay. Maybe it’s after this.
You didn’t send it to me, you sent it to him.
No, I sent you an apology.
Oh.
Yeah. Okay. And this is the chapters. Okay, but anyway -- so, how do you phrase a note to your besties --
I think you --
About requesting $8,800 from their husband, who they’re eternally married to, and are sealed like an envelope?
[Laughs]
And let me tell you -- okay, if you think it gets a little steamy on the podcast when they do that together, be in the room. [Laughs]
[Laughs] We didn’t do anything steamy.
Whatever. I’m sitting there talking about towels, and they’re lovingly holding hands.
Are you mocking us?
No. They were giving me the “go away” eyes.
That’s not even true.
But it makes for good podcasts.
[Laughs] You can’t make up stuff on my podcast.
Well, I didn’t really make it up.
Then people fight you.
I didn’t really make it up, because you were holding hands.
That is true.
Right, and it was bedtime.
[Laughs] Oh my goodness.
Okay, so maybe it was a point of clarity.
Oh my goodness.
Wasn’t that what we told one of the children? I think we told that to child number one - the red one.
He’s number two.
Oh, okay, number two.
The red one!
Well, we can’t say names.
You said, “The red one.”
We can’t say names, but [crosstalk] --
You wouldn’t call it “the black one.”
No. We don’t say that.
[Laughs]. See, you can’t say red one.
But we can, because red hair.
[Laughs]
[Laughs] Look. That baby knows that I love him. He does. I’ve been adopted, by the way, as well. I am now -- I was a grandma. But in the last 12 hours, I have been able to manipulate that into an aunt, because we had a very strong conversation about the difference between an aunt and a grandma. And here’s the difference, Miss Julie does not wear long dresses. Miss Julie does not have a whole head of gray hair. And Miss Julie doesn’t do the things that grandmas do. Miss Julie is fun. I’m the fun aunt.
She also lets them get away with anything they want, gives them cookies, buys them --
No, I didn’t just give it to them, I made them too.
Buys them chips. She’s pretty much a grandma.
No. I’m a fun aunt.
Like a grandma, great aunt.
Whatever.
[Laughs] This is our first official podcast from Quick Trip, which makes Julie a legit tourist to Oklahoma and Kansas. [Laughs] How do you have all that on your phone still?
Well, I switch between the two. I don’t ever erase your messages. They’re like Christmas. I never know when I’m going to get another one.
You don’t delete the thread?
I never know when I’m going to get another one! Why would I want to delete the thread on my phone? It’s like when you carry my notes in your purse. Right? And you review them. Well, I want just a little more technology advanced today.
That’s funny.
I know. I told her it was real awkward writing a friend note to my bestie, saying I’m very sorry that my left breast accidentally requested money from your husband.
You know where it is? It’s on Facebook.
It is?
Because we posted it - the picture of your message.
Here it is. Here it is.
We took a screenshot.
Okay, here we are. We’re at it. Okay. Oh, and this is where she’s laughing at me. Um, okay, so this was a bad night for me. I just wanted to let you know. Oh, great. Okay. Okay. Alright. Okay.
So, I got a text message from my friend, Donna. And I had to apologize to Donna, who’s a very avid listener to our podcast. So, shout out to Donna.
Woop woop!
Yeah.
Did you just nub me, like you thought I was --
I needed to make sure that you put in the “woop woop.”
Oh, okay.
Okay, so --
I’m still watching for the cops.
You’re going to need to breathe, honey. It’s over. So, --
Why are you not freaked out by the cops?
Because it’s over. It’s finished. It’s done, finished.
Not if they show up at your house in three days.
They’re not going to show up at any house, and we weren’t doing anything wrong. We were podcasting, and we have the proof.
[Laugh]
So anyway, I had to send a note to my friend, Donna, sorry if I butt dialed you. You’ll probably have a nice rendition of my singing to Adelle. But at least my boob didn’t request $8,800 from you like I did Emma’s husband.
Oh my goodness. That was so funny.
Right? And so, I didn’t hear back from her that night. And then she sent me a lovely heartfelt message in the morning. And here’s how that went. “Hello from the other side. I think I’ve called 1,000 times” with a friendly GIF saying LMAO, with an extra reminder of a great three minutes to start my day, hear emoji, laughing emoji with tears, and three emojis of love with hearts. Right? And here I thought I caught it quickly. Apparently not.
So then we continue. “OMG, it was that long? But I was dissociating, so it came out it wasn’t that long.” And then I said, “Well, I requested 8K with my left girl, from the husband, which was super embarrassing. So, my friend Donna responds -- our friend, Donna, “Eight thousand what?” And I said, “Dollars. My boobs did it.”
You did like a Facebook money request, right?
Right. Oh, there’s the cops.
I didn’t even know that that -- Oh.
We’re fine. Breathe. It’s done.
I didn’t even know that that was a thing.
Breathe. He’s getting coffee. Okay? He wants to get some libation.
We are out of here. [Laughs]
We’re okay. Breathe. Look --
We can podcast from the driveway. I’m not staying. I’m not. I can’t.
But we have to get mints.
What?
We have to get mints.
We can get mints tomorrow.
Okay.
You keep talking. Here, hold this.
Okay, I feel like this is a situation where we can handle this.
You can handle it. I’m going to handle it by escaping, because I am good at avoidance. It is what I do.
Okay, but at the same time now time is safe, and we are strong, and we are brave, and we are bold. We don’t have a reason to run, because it’s not our secret. It’s theirs.
I am smart enough to run.
Okay.
I am out of here.
Alright well, just don’t unleash the beast. [Laughs]
I don’t have a beast.
No, she really does have a nice name, and she’s probably very nice. I have not met her personally yet, but --
Oh, are you talking about Taylor?
I’m talking about Dawn.
Oh. She’s little.
I know, and is she super cute? Have you seen her?
I -- okay -- no, we can’t talk about this.
Okay, so we’re passing some more mints.
You are right. Dawn is the one who’s running from the police. What?!
I told you to get back in your parking lot. We don’t have a reason.
I need like 10 mints.
Well, we can’t teach her right if we run. Did you get any?
No.
Oh, that’s not good. This is an emergency. Two mints for me and you! Woohoo! Okay.
Ugh bleh bleh bleh.
Yeah. Okay. We’re not teaching her good if we’re running away. We don’t have a reason to run. Okay. So anyway, long story short --
We have a reason to run. The cops were there.
No. We don’t have a reason to run, because they weren’t coming to us. They weren’t interacting with us. And we are safe. And we weren’t doing wrong. We were in the right. And you know how I know this? Because it was my job to sue and screw for a really long time, and defend. [Laughs]
What does that mean?
That means when you sue them, you’re screwing them. Right? So, you write the lawsuit, and they have to pay up all that money. They’re screwed. [Laughs]
Oh my goodness. Oh, when you worked in the attorney’s office.
Mmhmm. I worked for attorneys - lots of them. Dangerous. That’s where Hammer became Hammer for his fun loving, and great attitude, and work ethic.
I don’t understand how you figured out that it was Dawn who was running from the police.
Because Dawn is our runner.
But I was just feeling this intense…like, we have to get out of here.
Right, but Dawn is our runner. Right? So, if somebody’s going to run, it’s going to be Dawn. And so, it’s probably best that we helped Taylor out. Right? Because Taylor keeps Dawn happy. Right?
Okay, let’s go back to talking about something fun, like your breast.
Oh my --
[Laughs]
Because it’s so joyful, and it’s so perky too. [Laughs]
Oh my goodness!
You went there.
I did not! You said it --
No, you said, “Let’s go back to talking about something fun.”
You hit me!
I didn’t hit you. I nudged you. Okay, this is hit, and this is nudge.
[Laughs] I did not need a reenactment!
No, it was a clarifying statement, but a physical one.
I don’t even know how to edit this. I don’t know how to make a podcast out of this.
Please know that nobody was harmed in the making of this podcast.
Except for me!
Hence the laughter, as she’s saying it. [Laughs]
[Laughs] You can’t just take $8,800 from my husband with your chest, and then hit me. That’s like not the best friend ever. #NotTheBestFriendEver
#FriendThatWontGoAway [Laughs]
[Laughs] Oh my goodness.
#Fierce
[Laughs]
Oh, I hope Emma’s laughing.
Oh my goodness.
Oh, I hope -- I feel like -- Okay, in my mind, I feel like they should be sitting in a room that has chairs, and I’m on the stage, like a --
You’re on the stage.
And then they can just watch the show, and laugh, and pass chips and salsa.
This is not appropriate for anybody. It’s just not.
This is great. This is great.
Okay, so let’s review, in case while Dawn was freaking out about the cops, that this was not made clear - she boob-dialed my husband through Facebook, and requested $8,800. [Laughs]
Well, a little more than that, but that was the two beginning numbers. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
Apparently my left boob likes the number eight. It liked it about four times. I’m not sure which part of my boob dialed the 8, but I know that somebody made an informed decision that that’s what it wanted.
[Laughs] Oh my goodness.
Might I mention in review back to the trigger warning, at the beginning of this podcast -- thank you. [Laughs]
Okay, here’s what we have to do. We have to just stop this, and I’ll see what I can do with it. [Laughs] Between the police, and the creepers in the park, and your chest, I don’t know what to do with this podcast, but I’ll see what I can do. And then --
She acts all flustered, but really what we’re going to do is hit rewind and play it back, and decide what we want to share.
[Laughs] And then tomorrow, we can record again our legit story while we’re driving. We have to make a road trip podcast.
Yes.
Not serious. It should be legit fun.
Oh, it will be legit fun.
What if I hit a train, for real?
Then we really won’t have much to talk about, will we?
[Laughs] Okay. Say good night everybody.
Goodnight everybody. From Julie and Warden.
[Laughs] Oh my goodness. I can’t even.
I dubbed her the warden today.
[Laughs] Just some name dropping. It’s all good.
Because Miss Julie has an image to uphold to the children.
Which children?
The outside -- well, all of them. I’ve covered them all. But um -- right? Because I’ve brought a ribbon. I’ve made all of the meals that were requested.
Oh my goodness.
I have properly candied and prized.
Spoiled them like a grandma spoiled them like a grandma.
No, like the awesome aunt. Okay? I want to be awesome aunt. If we’re going to apply names of ownership and what’s the world you always say? What is it?
What?!
Attachment! If we’re going to --
When have I ever said attachment? How is that the word I always say?
Look, if one of you says it, all of you did.
[Laughs]
Words of attachment. Right? Because attachment in the words of my very smart good doctor, attachment is important. And so, if we’re going to apply words of attachment, let’s use good words, and grandma is not that one when referencing Miss Julie.
Is it a trigger?
No! I’m just too awesome to be a grandma.
What is the word of attachment?
Aunt.
[Laughs]
Okay?
Basically so far -- let’s review real quick, before we hang up the podcast.
Wait. Here’s why. Here’s my methodology. Okay? Because I need to help out my smart friends so they can follow my lead. My methodology is this, the body isn’t --
Who’s body? Our body?
Mmhmm. What year?
41.
Yeah, we just found that out. Newsflash. So, she’s a 41, and I’m a 41, which means we’re the same year, and we’re a week apart. That’s why we’re so fun.
[Laughs]
Anyway, that’s also why I can’t be a grandma, because if I’m a grandma --
You are a grandma.
But that’s difference, because I can’t be a grandma, because I can only be a sister, and she stayed in an extra week and cooked an extra week. Right? Because I was first, because first is worst, and second is best, and so, that’s how I have to be an aunt.
From another mother.
Right. I’m a sister from another Mister.
[Laughs]
That’s what I am. Or a sister from another mother. No, a sister from another mister sounds much better. It’s got a flow.
So, in your first 24 hours with our family, you’ve done all of the dishes ten times.
Has it been 10 times? I wasn’t there for that. [Laughs]
Someone did. You’ve cooked at least two meals. You cooked four dozen cookies - you baked.
You have a great baking pan. I need to get one of those.
It’s really nice. Right?
Yeah. Thanks, Wilton.
[Laughs]
Feel free to send free stuff.
And my dad went to highschool with him. They were in his class.
Really? The Wiltons?
So, we met them. No, I just remember meeting them.
They make those. You know?
I remember having to go to their house.
Oh, really. And you didn’t pick up some cake pans while you were there, then?
[Laughs] I was a little girl.
Oh, okay, well I hope they served cake, and I hope it was good. [Laughs]
Oh my goodness.
I’m just saying.
Okay, so you’ve done the dishes like 10 times. You’ve cooked at least two meals. You’ve cooked like four dozen cookies. We’ve gone to the park twice. We’ve done two podcasts that were not at all what we thought we would record. One of them was lost. We had an encounter with the police already. We almost hit a train. [Laughs] You fixed our child’s bike.
That was killer.
And we ran from the cops, which we called ourselves.
Right.
[Laughs]
Because we have such good boundaries.
[Laughs]
And that exceeded Hammers.
Our boundaries are that we need to call the cops right now, and we need to not be here when they come.
Well, no, I’m willing to be there when they come, because bystander and I’m doing my duty. But I have a friend, who prefers not to be in stressful situations, and so my friend, my little friend, sent her homing pigeon to let us know that either we leave, or she goes. [Laughs] And so, we decided to be proactive, instead of reactive, because it’s really expensive to be reactive.
Definitely do not buy tickets to North Carolina.
But they have a great airport. So, kudos to you.
And we have tons of listeners who live in North Carolina --
And shoutout to y’all for offering up your homes, and rooms.
We got the best emails from North Carolina. You guys were amazing. Thank you for helping us get home.
Yeah. Yeah, because we had to figure out which Charlotte we were in. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
And that can be complicated, because you know what I found out? There’s a Kansas City, Kansas, and a Kansas City, Missouri.
It’s the same one.
Is it? See, I’m special. And shouldn’t we talk about the south, and where it starts, while we’re here?
[Laughs] Virginia is not the south.
It is the south.
It’s not even close to south.
Honey, we were part of the Confederacy.
So you were on the wrong side of the war. That is not the same as being south.
But it was a southern situation, okay?
Which should not have been your business.
I know, but I couldn’t be there. We didn’t have good boundaries back then, obviously.
Well, you were on the wrong side.
I’m not denying that, but I’m just letting you know, it’s still the south. We use a lot of butter [inaudible].
[Laughs]
Okay, and people are referred to y’all. Bisquick -- Oh, and Bisquick can be used with 7Up.
[Laughs]
And a lot of butter, and a lot of sour cream. Congratulations. The south has risen. [Laughs] And 7Up biscuits…go to pinterest, or as my friend, the husband, ie Emma and Sasha’s husband, would call it “pinterest.”
[Laughs] He is a fan of The Pin Terest. It’s two words, both capitalized and pronounced wrong.
Pin Interest.
Pinterest. The Pin Terest.
Yeah, it’s very special.
It’s like when he goes to Wal-Mart, he doesn’t go to Wal-Mart. He goes to The Wal-Mart.
Well, The Wal-Mart, The Pinterest, The Hammer. Who am I to judge?
[Laughs]
So, that’s been our first 24 hours folx. It’s going to be an exciting week.
Are we still recording?
Yes.
You have to make sure. We have situations.
Okay, that’s all I can handle. Peace.
And love and highfives! Bye!
[Laughs]
[Break]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.