Transcript: Episode 6
6. Oh, Deer!
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Hi everybody, its Sasha, and I have a thousand things to tell you. We’ve missed therapy for the last 3 weeks. 2 weeks because, I don’t even remember, and then last week because of the blizzard so it’s been 3 weeks since we went to therapy and its not cool. I’m also concerned about how much therapy we’re going to miss this month anyway. We can’t go next week because The Husband is out of town. Our therapist is 4 hours a way, so we have to leave early in the morning, go to therapy, and then get back late in the evening. But we can’t do that when he’s out of town because the children have to get off to school and someone has to be there when they get off the bus because, we’re legit parents and all (Sasha scoffs) apparently.
Except for the week after that, then we won’t have any sessions after that because of the holidays. So, it’s really not cool to miss this much therapy we have to be there tomorrow. Our therapist is 4 hours away so it’s a rural drive down and old highway for 4 hours to get to our therapist. The problem was, we noticed on the weather app that it’s supposed to snow again tomorrow! It’s making me crazy, why did we move here there’s so much snow? Our plan was to drive down today so we could beat the snow, spend the night in town, and go to therapy in the morning and get back in the afternoon before the worst of it or spend another night if it wasn’t safe to drive home. So last night, I think, uh, I hate time why is time so confusing? I can’t figure it out. I think it was last night, Saturday night? It doesn’t matter, the point is we found out the snow was starting early, and we had to get out fast if we were going to make our appointment. I threw things in our bag, grabbed the bear and crayons and markers and those bags with paints and everything else and our notebooks, pajamas, grabbed our toothbrush, whatever we need. Threw it all in a suitcase, grabbed a coat which I hate and don’t actually wear them but grabbed the coat, loaded the car, threw in some food, The Husband and kids picked out some food, so it was hilarious what was in the car, and I started driving.
So, our plan was to get into town a little after 11:00pm last night which was too late to drive except we didn’t know until 8:00pm that the snow was coming early so we packed up as quickly as we could and got out but even then, by the time we got on the road the snow had started and roads were slick-but not so bad I couldn’t drive. I just had to slow down and be careful, I was going a lot slower than I usually do but we’re not going to talk about that on the podcast right (Sasha chuckles a little)? I was driving slower than usual but it was also super dark, this was a little disorienting. I want to talk about this a little bit because I think its part of DID or having DID. I don’t know the word for it but sometimes its really easy to be disoriented. Like where I am in the world or what’s happening around me or I don’t know how to explain it.
Here’s the thing, here’s how I can describe it. This trip we drive to our therapist every Monday, usually we drive early in the morning because we leave between 5:00am – 6:00am usually. So, by the time we get to the place we rest at the halfway mark, sometimes we take a nap, sometimes we hit the playground, but always we stop and rest, and usually by the time we get there the sun is starting to come up but this trip because I left at 8 in the evening, it was getting darker and darker. Because it was obviously nighttime, see it was so disorienting I can’t even make sense trying to tell you about it. Is that even a word, did I make that up? No, disorienting is the word. I don’t know. I was disoriented because I kept expecting the sun to come up, but I knew it was nighttime so of course the sun wasn’t coming up but also it was weird that it wasn’t. I know it maybe doesn’t make sense, but it was really trippy to me the whole time, that it was only staying dark and not getting light driving to the therapist.
Because of that I was in a weird place, but I was doing okay the further we drove. The more we drove the more we got out the storm. First the snow stopped then the sleet stopped, the temperature was going up, so we were getting out of the storm and it as getting easier to drive then finally the road started clearing up. So, I’m glad we left when we did.
After about an hour of being on the road, no, I don’t know why I’m having trouble communicating today it’s like I’m not fully present. After, uh, about an hour after getting out of the storm, we were driving, its dark then there was a massive deer in front of my car! You guys it scared me, it was massive, it was so huge, it was bigger than my car and it had all those horns. Scared the jeepers out of me oh my goodness. And because I was coming up on it at night with my headlights, it looked pure white, I can’t even tell you. I don’t know how I didn’t hit it, I would’ve killed it, it would’ve killed me, it would’ve been a mutual Romeo and Juliet it was so bad. Oh, (Sasha takes a deep breath) I’m still worked up about it and this was last night, and it’s been almost 24 hours, no that’s false because its still daylight but you know what I mean.
I somehow managed to avoid it, I swerved to the left. I know it wasn’t doesn’t anything wrong it was walking where it wanted to, we’re the ones who paved our roads through its pathway, it’s our fault, not mine personally but humanity paving our way through the forest. And I know to walk, ah, I know to watch for deer where we live, and to watch for them early in the morning but I never seen one at night like that, so it scared me to death. I did manage to avoid it, I don’t know where the racecar driving skill came from or who has that ability, but I swerved to the left quickly, flung my car into the other lane and got around it but don’t know how I avoided hitting it. Then I had to swerve back into my lane on the right because a big old semi-truck was coming my way.
Oh, you guys I can’t even tell you. I’m okay, my car is fine, the deer is fine, I do not know how we didn’t hit the deer it was massive. It was right in front of us not down the road and I can pull over, honk, flash my light, or get around it, I mean right there (Sasha claps hands together) right there. I can’t even tell you. My adrenaline was pumping, I couldn’t call my husband because it would make him worry, well I should have I haven’t even told him about this yet, but I haven’t seen him either so. Ugh, it was just crazy. So, I kept driving because I didn’t feel safe to stop and tears were just pouring down my face and it was a while before I could get to the halfway place, we pull over to stop. When I finally did and turned off the car I was sobbing, bawling like a baby, you have no idea. Then, the rest of the drive home the deer kept appearing right in front of my eyes. And that’s why I’m talking, that’s why I want to tell you this story its like a neutral example without being creepy by...ugh! (Sasha whispering, “talk, talk, focus, focus”) That’s what I want to tell you, its like a neutral example without being creepy or triggering from my own past or their abuse stories like I can tell you what those flashes are like because it was just like the deer and that’s exactly what its like all the time with everything else.
So, trying to get back on road and drive home I kept seeing this deer then all night I dreamed of the deer and this morning there’s the deer playing in front of my eyes. Even though (Sasha sounds like she is going to cry a little) oh my goodness I just started almost bawling right now, I’m fine. I didn’t hit the deer, the deer didn’t hurt me, it was a close call. Here’s the thing, that’s what therapy’s feels like; you’re driving in the dark and it feels terrifying because you see all the crap that comes up and its nasty, terrifying, and awful, you think you’re going to die but you don’t because everything is okay-now. It doesn’t mean everything was okay or what happened to you was okay but, in the present, it is okay, Now Time Is Safe.
Oh, my goodness it was such and example, such an analogy for me of what th3erapy is because I was okay, but it was so scary to have that experience and that feels like therapy. Driving in the dark, disoriented, but I think I know where I’m going-although sometimes I don’t know where I’m going but sometimes, I feel like where am I on this road or how long have I been on this road? It’s a rural road so not a lot of markers, there’s a halfway spot and the rest is field between our house and the halfway spot and then the therapist office. Theres no way to measure well other than looking at the clock or GPS but I know the way so I don’t really use the GPS although now that I say that out loud maybe I should for tracking purposes, that would be helpful. See? Whys everything such an easy fix when it seems so hard? It makes me feel so stupid. Except I’m not stupid or foolish I just know how to get there but it makes sense, whoever is saying that I could use the GPS just to track that. Thank you, Good Doctor, or whatever.
The point is it was a terrifying example of real life without it being an ugly example from the past I wanted to share with you. It really impacted me; I couldn’t process it because it kept popping up in front of my eyes, so I wasn’t functioning well, still wasn’t shaking it off this morning. I even dreamed of it all night because it had so many horns, horns is not the right word in English what do you say? Um, (Sasha whispers, “what is that word?) ANTLERS! ANTLERS! So, it had all these antlers so many points. It was massive, not little, not a girl deer, it a huge male deer as big as my car. If I didn’t know better, I would think it was an Elk (Sasha laughs) it was so big and because my headlights were shining on it, it was pure white. So, this morning when I woke up, I thought, if this is an analogy for therapy, Chris tell me, because Chris does all this dreamwork or union stuff she knows about, so I was thinking about what does it mean? This deer. Obviously, it came from me driving yesterday and was so scary, but it kept playing in my dream and I wonder what it means. Is it a symbol, why would this deer all of a sudden be there? If it was there for me to die, your 9 lives are up on mortality, then I’d be dead because there’s no reason for me not hit that deer. I looked it up in this Native American book under dream symbols and stuff and you won’t believe it. Its kind of amazing! Its all about how, hold on let me get it, I wrote it down for therapy. (Sasha turning pages). Okay, it says:
A white stag is only seen during a soul quest and is a prophetic sign from The Great Spirit that a major shift in your world has come. The appropriate response is to call a meeting, as you are being asked to endure a season of communication with others, increase in connectedness, and to go through the painful process of recovery, regeneration, and regrowth. The white stag is a sign of The Great Spirit, and means you have been alert and aware, prepared for the task for which you are called. It a message of get ready.
WHAT! Are you guys serious? That’s what this deer appearing in front of my car and staying in my dreams all night means? Yes, it was a bit of trauma, it was driving trauma. It doesn’t minimize any big scary stuff from the past I can still say this was scary to me. If my analogy is about therapy then what I can do about it instead of having flashbacks, I’ve got to process and find meaning of it, right? So, I looked it up and as a neutral example, to practice finding meaning in a neutral example. I’m not all out there being creepy; I have no other deer trauma (Sasha laughs) this is my only deer trauma. If I can use this example where there’s no layers of other things in my way and other people inside who are triggered like dominoes trying to deal with it, then it’s a very good practice experience. And when I read that, to explore that and find ways to rephrase it or whatever are the right words, it was so powerful to me. It was amazing. Its like, instead of it being a trauma that was shaking me up, it’s become a thing, a reminder, a symbol, a sign of being connected to others.
I almost can’t stay present in my body right now because my mind is so blown. Is it because I’m reaching out to you guys, and you are connecting to me? And I’m finally participating in groups after lurking for ages? Or is it because we are starting to talk a little bit inside? Is it because we are reading the notebooks and getting to know each other inside? Or is it because of therapy and trying to participate with my family? Theres all these layers of connectedness just like it said. Same thing with communication, we’re writing in the notebooks, we’re list3ening to each other, we’re trying to respect each other’s boundaries and get to know what each other needs and get to know who people are and who does what and communication with The Therapist and The Husband. This whole deer thing is insane, its just blown my mind!
So, the one who paints, I don’t have permission to say her name so I’m not, but we have one who paints and that’s basically the way she expresses herself, through painting and drawing. Maybe she can draw us a deer and if we can get a good picture of a deer, we’re comfortable sharing, maybe we can put it up on the blog and you can see. But I had to tell you this story, because it was scary, except Now Time Is Safe and instead of us getting stuck and all worked up and drowning in it-because 6 months ago it would have meant I would no longer drive my car ever- (Sasha whispers, “uh what’s the word, let me finish we’re so close”) it counts as progress. Being able to deal with something that was hard, for me it was a big deal and I’m totally claiming it as progress for an example of being able to deal with something hard, tolerate the feelings that came with it and find meaning in what I learned from it and reshaping it into something else. I’m super excited and proud of myself. I’m saying that now because I have therapy tomorrow, I don’t know if it will still be true (Sasha laughs) the drive myself home and go down that same road. But that’s part of therapy too, how am I going to deal with that? So, we’ll talk about that in therapy tomorrow I’m sure whatever. It was a big deal for me, and I had to share it and put all the pieces there.
We are parked at a park right now, I’m in my car talking and there’s a playground. I’m totally having trouble being focused and staying present and being able to talk so I think my turn is pretty much up. That’s what I wanted to share today so I will check in on the other side after the playground. What do you think? Can you think of a neutral example or what can you do to notice neutral examples of trauma, something new, hard, or different? Something you can face and practice those skills when its not trauma from the scary stuff from the past. Does that make sense? It was huge for me today, feels like a breakthrough and I just wanted to share. Thanks, you guys, bye!
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