Transcript: Episode 65
65. Donkey Kicks
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Break]
[Background noise of wind blowing]
Well, today is a beautiful day. If you didn’t know it, it’s like spring. And I mean there’s no snow. And the sky is blue and the trees are green and there is grass. And at the park, I can see flowers and ducks and gooses. And there are children playing - happy children. And some of them are in a class eating lunch. And I wish I was eating lunch, except I came to the park for so we could swing.
[Background noise of wind blowing and children’s voices]
Because them girls want to swing and they like to swing. And I can bring them here to the park by the therapist and we can swing and play and go for a walk. And it’s not hot or cold and it feels so good. So, we’re just playing, and I was running and playing and swinging. And there’s a creek and so I go exploring.
Because we had some hard weeks of therapy and we need some play time. And we do not have outside kids with us right now. So I don’t even got to be responsible. I just got to be safe and I know how to be safe, because now time is safe. And our therapist told them girls that now time is safe forever. And our therapist said now time is safe means we got out of there already and nobody’s going to hurt us now. And now time is safe means even if you talk about memory time things, and even if it’s hard sometimes, even then, it’s still safe in now time.
So, if you have to talk about some things that are hard things, now time is still safe. And they cannot change it, because they are dead. And because we already got away. And she said, “We got away because we are brave and we are strong.” And even I am strong.
I thought for just one hot minute that maybe I was not strong, because I thought I was strong, but then I realized them girls got hurt anyway. And I could not get them away. So, I was thinking maybe I’m not strong and I kind of started to fall apart about it. Everything’s just falling apart. But I talked to my therapist, and my therapist said I am still strong and I am still brave and in now time, I am brave and strong. She said those people that do bad things are just people doing bad things. They aren’t really monsters that can get me. They aren’t really people who can find me now, partly because they’re dead.
So, it’s okay to talk about. And in memory time, I was still brave and I was still strong for because I was trying. And if I was trying, then that’s still brave and still strong even if your plan don’t work. Because see, I planned to get them off of us. Or I had planned to get away from them. Or maybe I can donkey kick them, like a donkey can kick pretty hard. It will hurt if a donkey kick you, and I think if I’m really strong, maybe I can just donkey kick them. And it would be on like Donkey Kong. But that didn’t work.
And I think man, I mess everything up, because them girls still got hurt. I thought I could make it stop. But I didn’t make it stop. We just made Kassi. And I never thought about it before until the notebook. And I thought we just make it stop, but really, I just made somebody else do it. But I didn’t mean to make nobody else do it. And so I feel bad, because I’ve been mad at Kassi for a long time. And really I was just mad at myself. I was mad at myself for needing help from needing Kassi. So then I was mad at Cassi, but really, Kassi don’t do nothing wrong - Kassi just being Kassi. And I kind of did need her help. So, I’m glad she helped me not let them girls get hurt, but I didn’t know she got hurt. And everybody’s just getting hurt around here. But that’s memory time. It’s not now time.
And if we want to talk about it, we can start talking about it, because our therapist, she knows about it now. And she knows some things and she’s still going to be our therapist. She’s not going no where. And she’s still my buddy. And I can share my time and I can stay and listen or stay and help or be close and know it is okay, because we’re still at her office. So that can make me still a help. Because if I’m a helper, then I feel pretty good about helping.
[Background noise of kids]
Because now time is safe and our therapist, her office is safe. So, when I am at the therapist, I can help them girls know it’s okay. I can tell Molly and she can help the girls get to the therapist for talking. And we can talk about some hard things, but the hard things, they are in memory time. And talking to the therapist is now time. So, it feels like both are happening, but really just now time is happening. Memory time is already finished.
And so one thing we talked about is for touching. And here’s what you got to know about touching, touching is only okay if you want it, and if it’s appropriate for what you’re wanting. Touching is not okay if you don’t want it or if you don’t want to be hurting and it’s hurting you or not appropriate for hurting you. That’s bad touching. But she said, not good touch, bad touch. She said safe touch, unwanted touch. And I like it better, because the other one confused me some, because it made me have a lot of questions for Kassi and some other things and the Taylor.
But if I think safe touch, like now time is safe, and what is safe mean. And unwanted touch, I know if I want to be touched or not touched. Or if someone asks my permission or not ask my permission. And the therapist asks my permission and patted my hand just a minute and that’s safe touch example. And if you learn example of safe touch, you know ways of unwanted touch. And you know when it don’t feel okay. It’s okay for it not to feel okay, because it is not okay. And that’s true in now time and it’s true of memory time. I learned that today. That’s true both times - now time and memory time. It can be safe touch or it could be unwanted touch. And that really helped me a lot.
Know what else our therapist said all of us, said all of us? She said that…
[Background noise of wind blowing]
She said all of us are brave and she said our names. I’m brave. Sarah’s brave. Kassi is brave. Em is brave. Everybody is brave - all of our names. And that feels so much better. And she said in now time, all of us are strong. And she said I am strong. Kassi is strong. Them girls are strong and Em is strong and everybody’s strong. And she said in now time, we’re getting braver every day. Now time is safe and now time is brave. And she said in now time, we’re getting stronger every day, even healthier every day. And I know it’s true, because I was running at the park.
And so I think it’s working for therapy is helping for I’m brave again. I’m strong again. I’m healthy again. And also, I am safe and everybody is brave. Everybody is strong. Everybody is safe. And now time is safe and brave and strong. I was awful glad to know about that, because brave and strong, turns out, is part of safe. So, part of safe is brave and strong.
And, know what else I feel brave and strong? I’m glad we went to Missouri. I like playing by the river. I like playing in the good woods. I like walking and I like Silver Dollar City an awful lot, because they got hot dogs with potatoes on them, like wrap around, curl around my big, old hotdog. They got popcorn. They got ice cream. They got Dippin’ Dots. They got taffy. They got sausage. They got funnel cake. They got so many snacks at the place, and I really like that place, if I tell you the truth about it, because they got some good snacks. They also got some ride, but I can’t go on some rides, because we got to stay with that baby.
And I get to walk around and I get to look at things and I can keep that baby safe - that little girl. She hurt her leg. She can’t walk right now, but she already got a wheelchair from being sick. So, that’s okay. And I said, “Listen little girl. You’re four now. You had a birthday. You aren’t no baby. So, I’m not pushing your chair. You’re pushing your chair. You got to learn how to do it.” And I teach her how to roll herself on the wheelchair. And now she can do it just a little bit, and so Em, she said, “Man, why’d you teach her? I can’t even keep up with her now.” And I said, “Your baby on the move.” Because she’s not even a baby no more. She’s a big kid, because she’s four. She’s got to learn how to do things. And I said, “If you got a broke leg, you got to learn how to roll.”
And also, we went swimming. And I love swimming most more than anything else in the whole world, not like a swimming hole, just a swimming pool. But I like swimming holes too, but they -- you got to find them and know you got permission. But here, we got permission for a swimming pool. So, I got to do that and when we drive from… when we drive from Branson to the therapist, well, guess what? We get to bring our own sandwiches and I like a good sandwich. I had me a sandwich, and I made a sandwich for all them kids. That means I made eight sandwiches. That means I had to get out 16 pieces of bread. You know how long it takes to make eight sandwiches? It takes a long time to make eight sandwiches, but I did it.
And I brought that therapist -- I brought her a present from Silver Dollar City for she know I was thinking of her, because we’re buddies. But just a little tiny present for a little tiny thing of saying, “Snack time is safe. Thank you very much for teaching me.”
[Background noise of kids yelling]
This day can not be more wonderful or more beautiful and wonderful. And I really like it. I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good now, because I was having some hard weeks. But you know what? I’m brave and I’m strong and I’m safe.
And so, I feel pretty good now and I really like this beautiful day - the most beautiful day there ever was on the planet. So, I’m kind of glad I’m here on this planet on a beautiful day like this. I see some dog woods - they’re white trees. And I see some red buds - they’re pink trees. And I see some lilac on the fences. And I see some tulips and some daffodils. And I see some forsythia - that is like a big, old, yellow burning bush. And I know all about it, because we used to have one at our house and I could see it from the attic. So, I see that and I really like that bush, but I’m gone in that house.
You know what we do got at our house? Honeysuckle. You know what honeysuckle is? It’s a snack time for emergency. You can have just a little dollop. You might like it if you’re out on an adventure and you need a little snack. And when you're playing in the woods, it makes the woods smell good, instead of smelling like skunk.
And I think today, the therapist helped me a whole lot, because I sure do feel better. I was starting to have a bad time of it and I was having some hard weeks, but I sure feel better now. Everybody’s safe. Everybody’s strong. Everybody brave. That means we’re not scared. We’re not in trouble. We’re not going to get hurt - nothing. And if I be real strong, I don’t even got to be sick. I’m just going to get all better and my doctor said, “You don’t even know how to explain it. It just is looking good and just keep doing whatever you’re doing.” And I said, “Well, what I’m doing is having a sandwich and some popcorn and some taffy and going outside and playing and talking to my therapist.” And I thought maybe them dead parents, they can be the cancer and I’ll just get right rid of them with my big, old donkey kick.
And I get rid of cancer with a donkey kick and I get rid of the bad people with a donkey kick. And I’ll just get rid of all that bad stuff, and just keep the good stuff. That’s what I think. So, my therapist, she’s kind of like chemo, except she don’t make me throw up, except sometimes. And she don’t make my hair fall out, unless I pull it. So, I like her better than chemo. Maybe I’ll write her a letter and I’ll say, “Therapist, I like you better than chemo.” And then she’ll know she’s right special.
I don’t want her to forget she’s my buddy, because now sometimes I just get to watch, but Sarah get to talk to her. And I’m glad Sarah can tell her things, because she helps Sarah and them girls. But I got her there and I’m important too, because I’m brave and strong. And that keeps us safe. So, I can just not forget and we can play football someday and maybe I’ll remember and she’ll remember. And she won’t forget about me. And I can help them know now time is safe and now time is brave and now time is strong. And if we can remember that, then I think everything’s going to be just fine.
[Break]
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