Transcript: Episode 37
37. Em Speaks Up
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
My name is Em and I’m the one they call “The Mother.” I didn’t want to be on the podcast in the beginning, because it’s so embarrassing and I already feel crazy. But things have been really hard for a long time and I try to write in the notebooks for the therapist and I try to read them, but it’s too overwhelming. I don’t know that I want to know about things from the past. It’s more than just uncomfortable. It’s worse than that.
What’s important to me is that I can function. I have children in the real world to take care of so I don’t need to be worrying about what’s happening in my imagination or however that works. I need to focus and be present and be a decent parent. But when everything happened at Christmas, I kind of fell apart.
Christmas is hard for me anyway, because my parents are dead. Which I guess in some ways makes things easier, but it’s just hard. And then the anniversary of my mother’s death is just a week later. So, it’s just a hard time for me. So it was the worst timing in the world when family services showed up trying to say that I was mentally unstable, because I already felt like that anyways so it just felt like confirmation of the truth. And I don’t even want to be a parent if I can’t be a safe one or a good one. I don’t want to be around my kids if I’m not good for them.
So when they said that it really scared me. But the therapist and my husband said that there was nothing to worry about, because what they were checking, everything was fine. And it played out just like they said where the case was dropped immediately, because there wasn’t actually anything wrong and we had all the documentation from the doctors and therapists and everything. But it was the worst thing that could have happened. [Crying] It was the worst thing for me and it was the worst thing for my children.
I was in foster care growing up and so it’s scary to me when DHS comes and it was scary dealing with DHS the whole time we were fostering. I’m not saying that all of family services is bad. I had some good workers. And our family, when we were fostering, had some really good workers. So, I’m not saying that they’re all bad. I’m just saying that it brings up a lot and you never know until it’s too late if they’re good workers or not. That’s how it feels.
So, if I’ve learned anything from the podcast or from therapy, that’s pretty much my problem. My problem isn’t even dissociating. Maybe that’s where their problem is. My problem isn’t dissociating. My problem is that I can’t tell the difference between what are my feelings or even their feelings sometimes. And I try to write in the notebook sometimes, but it’s just hard and it’s hard to focus and it’s hard to have time enough to get a chance to write when it matters. And there’s so much stuff in there and I don’t know how to see all of that stuff and just deal with it, except I can’t deal with it. So, it’s too much for me to look at the notebooks.
Sometimes while I’m with the children at the park or when they’re playing, I can listen to the podcast and so it’s starting to be less scary to think about there being others in there and it helps understanding at least what’s going on, I guess. But, it’s still so much to process and it’s just overwhelming. But I guess the other secret is that I can hear them. [Crying] You can’t just go around hearing voices. That’s not okay. That’s not a normal thing.
But now because the podcast, I’m learning who is who and I can understand their conversations better or differently or what’s going on. So, if it’s really helping then I want to say something too, because I don’t have anyone else. I mean, I can talk to The Husband about it, except he’s just as overwhelmed as I am. And I can talk to the therapist if I could ever get a turn, but when I try, the time is gone and it’s over or it’s already happened and it’s the next day and I missed it altogether. There's just so much and I don’t get a turn.
[Crying]
And now there’s this app on the phone where they’re talking on the app, and they talk to me and send me messages that way too. And sometimes it’s good like if there’s something I need to know about the kids or where we’re supposed to be, when, or what’s going on. That’s been helpful, but it’s also overwhelming, because I forget that they’re not real, except that it turns out that they are and I don’t know which is worse.
[Crying]
But in that way, I guess I’m getting to know them. And they said if I talked on the podcast and shared some of my story, then maybe it would help because I’m holding too much inside. But talking about it isn’t the same as therapy. But, I can’t even get to therapy. But then they showed me emails from people who are listening to the podcast and how it’s helping them and how they feel less alone, because there’s other people who understand and their messages made me feel less alone.
[Crying]
So I don’t know if I’ve actually completely lost my mind and I just can’t fight it anymore. I’m not strong enough. I don’t know how to make it stop.
[Crying]
Or if this is really a good thing and it will help me and maybe someone else. When I saw things in the notebook, one thing I was worried about were those inside kids. I didn’t know how to help them or what to do, but I knew someone should. And so I feel bad, because I read some of those things and I didn’t do anything about it, because I just kept thinking that can’t be real. Or I don’t know how to help them. I don’t know how it works. I don’t understand how it could be me, because it’s not me, but it’s there.
But also, it’s all I can do to take care of outside children and I want to be a good mom and I don’t know how to take care of my own kids and also have all these kids inside. There’s so many kids. They need so much and I don’t mean to be a bad mom. It’s so hard. But on the inside, now there’s that Molly one who’s helping the little kids. So, that’s a good thing, right? That feels better, at least someone is. So, I’m glad but I also feel guilty because it wasn’t me. Maybe it should have been me, but I just couldn’t do it. It was too much.
[Crying]
So I feel bad, because I didn’t help them. It haunts me and I have nightmares about them at night. I have nightmares about the things I read in the notebooks and things that I hear in my head.
My own mother wasn’t well. My own mother grew up in a very physically abusive home and a very cold mother. Her mother was very distant and cold. And so my mother had a lot of problems, but I think she just didn’t know how to be a mom and didn’t know how to get help. So, that’s one reason I keep trying to go to therapy and why I’ve not fought it more than I have, because I know that that’s the only difference between me and my mother is because I’m trying to ask for help.
[Crying]
But it’s really hard. My mother was very depressed. She had a lot of things to be depressed about, I guess. She had postpartum depression with my brother, who’s 20 months younger than me. And I don’t know that she ever really recovered from that. She also had to deal with my father who was abusive in some ways, I guess - abusive to her.
She told me once that the reason my brother was so mean and so angry is because he was conceived in rape. Who tells their child something like that? What am I supposed to say to her when she tells me things like that? But also, I think it was true. My brother was an angry child. He’s an angry adult now. But, she had bad boundaries. She told me everything, so many things. I mean things I don’t remember, because I remember them, but things I know because she told me.
But also, that’s why I don’t want to tell my children things. I want to model for them how to handle things or I want them to know that their feelings are okay, but I don’t want them to know all my nastiness - not like she told me.
She also had some times where she just wasn’t coherent. She would talk about things that didn’t make sense. Or I wrote in the notebook once to the therapist about a time where she made us chili, because it was snowing that day. Like it’s been snowing here, except it wasn’t really chili. It was a bowl of water with scrabble tiles in the bottom. Like floating, well not floating, but it wasn’t actually food.
She also, she had been in a car accident, a really severe car accident when I was young. I don’t remember it, but because of it she had several surgeries on her back and several other problems and because of that, she got addicted to pain pills and she was mean. She was just so mean. [Crying] I don’t want to be a mean mom. Sometimes I hear myself talking to my children and I think why am I even saying this?
It doesn’t matter. I’m not mean to my children the way she was to us sometimes. I don’t hit my children. I don’t yell and scream the way she did. I have raised my voice, but I don’t scream at them the way that she did. But still, why can’t I just be soft and kind? I want to be a good mom. I really, really do, but it’s just so hard. I don’t know how to do it. don’t know how to learn it and everything. I wonder if they’re not better off without me. Or what if I’m worse than what they came from. I don’t know if they’re lives are better because of me or if I’ve helped any. I’ve tried so hard.
She just wasn’t well - my mother. I don’t know what she was diagnosed with when I was young. She had several serious suicide attemps while I was in highschool. I found her three of those times and had to call the ambulance.
[Crying]
I don’t know what they diagnosed her with or what her diagnosis was, but there were lots of issues that happened later. I was gone from my family for a whole decade. I don’t even know why or how - I can’t explain that. I just know I was gone, but when I found her and we came back to the states and I found her, she had dementia and I was trying to take care of her, but she was so mean. [Crying] And I wanted to be nice and I wanted to be good and I wanted to do the right thing, but it was so hard and she was so mean to me.
[Crying]
I moved her into my house. I built a brand new house. Well, one of us did. I don’t know who did. I don’t know how that works. I don’t remember building the house, but I know we built the house. We worked with people and built it with our hands. We designed it and built it. And there was space for her and we moved her in to take care of her, because she was all alone and so depressed. And it was just so sad. And I guess some part of me wanted to make things right somehow or know that I had done all I could do to take care of her or all of it in part or maybe she would want to be my mom. But I don’t think that she did.
[Crying]
Or maybe she did in some part of her, but she just couldn’t. I don’t know. Or maybe it was my fault. I’m so difficult. I had done so many bad things that she just didn’t want to. I don’t know.
My father had cancer. My mother did too, actually. But she was in remission. And my father died. And I went to the funeral. She wanted to go, but my father had remarried. My stepmother didn’t like her or me, and so she wasn’t allowed to go. But she went to see my brother’s children, to visit with them after. I was supposed to drive her. She asked me to drive her. But, I couldn’t. My husband and I had just been married and I had morning sickness and I wasn’t feeling well and it was very emotional and I just don’t know. I told her I couldn’t go to the extra things and I couldn’t go visit the kids. And I should have. I wasn’t even a good aunt. I just couldn’t. It was too hard. It was too much.
[Crying]
And so I told her, “No.” So she went anyway by herself and she was older. She couldn’t see. I should have taken care of her, it’s not like I was a child. I was being selfish. So my father died of cancer and my mother was killed by a drunk driver on the way home from the funeral and I should have been driving her. It was my fault.
[Crying]
We had a miscarriage anyway - just one miscarriage after another and it was because of the cancer. That’s how we found out I had it. He said the cancer is because of abuse - that it’s scar tissue that’s turned into cancer and now they’re having trouble getting rid of it and we’ve been on chemo like four times and now we have to take this pill for five years. Our hair is still just now growing back and none of those things matter. It’s just so much. I don’t know where to put all of those things.
[Crying]
There’s no room left to put any of it. I’m tired of fighting just to be alive. I’m tired of fighting just for the right to exist. I’m just so tired. I’m so full of this. There’s not room for anything else anymore.
I sound so whiny and I’m crying. I didn’t know I would be crying and I’m sorry that I’m so whiny. It’s just so much. And it’s not even the real things, like I should just get over it. I should let it go. I should let it be in the past. I know that and I try.
But the present isn’t any easier. Well, I mean, it’s hard differently.
I have six children on the outside - not my biological children. I lost five babies that were mid-term pregnancies. So, I saw them and I held them and none of them survived and that was my fault too. I mean, my body couldn’t carry them. The scar tissue, that’s how they found it all. I don’t know why I have scar tissue. I don’t know what abuse they’re talking about. How can stuff from so long ago ruin everything now in the present?
[Crying]
If I finally got away, then why does it still have so much control over every single moment of my life? So, I couldn’t have children so my husband and I fostered. I mean, I was in foster care and when I had good foster homes, it made such a difference so I always wanted to foster and help. My husband, his parents fostered when he was little and so he had always wanted to foster. So, we talked about it before we ever had miscarriages and we applied to be foster parents before we had miscarriages. I want to be clear about that, because you can’t just foster because of miscarriages. That’s not fair to you or the children.
[Crying] [Deep breathing]
So, we were already signed up to foster and then we had our miscarriages and then the foster children started coming and going, coming and going. And you invest so much in them just to keep them alive and just to help them adjust and help them deal with all of this stuff that is not their fault, that is not their problem, that they didn’t ask to happen, being torn from their families. It’s so hard. It’s so hard.
And then you have to say “good bye” and then you have to say “good bye” and then you have to say “good bye” and then you have to say “good bye.” They leave and they leave. So we fostered for five years, almost a hundred children. But the six who couldn’t go home, of course we adopted. What are we going to say? “No, just please send them to the shelter?” We can’t send them away. Of course we adopted them and we love them. And now it’s been four years since then and so they’re totally our kids and I think they feel that too and they know that.
But, we also know that when it’s safe, attachment’s really important, right? So, when it’s safe, we keep having visits with their families, because with their biological families or extended families like grandparents or aunts, because it’s so important. When you don’t have anyone in your life or so few people in your life and then get snatched out of your whole life, even if it’s for your own safety, staying connected to who you can is so important. And so we still let them visit their families pretty regularly. So, we’re trying. The things that we know to do - we are trying.
So, there’s six of them and they all have special needs. We have triplet, ten-year-olds. One is deaf, one has autism, and one has cerebral palsy and we have twin, six-year-olds. One is fetal alcohol syndrome and one has reactive attachment. And then the youngest was born without an airway. She had a twin sister, but the twin sister died. I got to hold her first, but then she was gone.
The youngest has grown up in hospitals and has all these problems. And we’ve fought to keep her alive, but her life is pretty hard sometimes. She has a G-tube and she’s on oxygen and now she’s on palliative care. They told us she wouldn’t live 30 days, but she’s still here and she’s almost four and they’re amazing. All of them are amazing. And we love them and they’re really good.
So, it’s not hard because they’re bad and it’s not even hard because of the different challenges they face. It’s hard because there’s so many of them and because I’m just not good at it, but I’m trying. But it’s like [deep breaths] just a lot of work. We have 36 therapy appointments every week - I don’t mean with the therapist like for counseling, but I mean for physical therapy and occupational therapy and feeding therapy and speech therapy and all of those. There’s 36 appointments every week, just for the children.
And the youngest one is often in the hospital so I get stuck. I mean, I can’t say I get stuck. That’s a terrible thing. I don’t want to say to her what she’s said. I don’t want to put that on her shoulders. I would never say that to her. I don’t mean I’m stuck with her, but I mean, to be in the PICU and the ICU with her while she’s in a coma for weeks and weeks and weeks, over and over and over again. And the medical trauma of it, like being stuck in the hospital room - it just reminds me of other things that are not good and it doesn’t feel good. And I get Life Flighted with her all of the time and I would do anything for her. I love her and I know it’s the right thing. And so I feel really guilty for complaining. I don’t mean to complain. I’m so glad that she’s alive still and that we still have her with us.
But when we get Life Flighted, they always strap her to me and strap me to a board and push us on the thing into the helicopter and off we go, but I’m strapped down and it’s really hard for me. And then I don’t know how long we’ll be away from home. We don’t get to take anything with us. I’m just on my own, away from my husband and my children.
[Crying]
Alone in a little room. Because of her stats with her heart rate, her oxygen, whatever they’re watching if she’s in a coma, then we can’t overstimulate her so I can’t even play music or do anything. And they don’t allow food in there and so I’m just on my own for months at a time. It’s just been really hard, but I don’t mean to put that on her. It’s not her fault, I know that. And I don’t at all mean to complain, because I would do anything for my children - anything. I love them so much and I’m so honored to have them in my home. They’re amazing children. Amazing children. I just don’t always feel like I’m enough.
My husband and I both work from home. I guess you know they call her Dr. E, but they work from home so that one of us is always with the children, because we know that’s important so we’ve tried our best. All the things we know to do, we are trying. I don’t mean that we’re perfect - far from perfect. But I mean, we’re trying and we’re present with them and they’re amazing, amazing children. And I’m grateful for everyday that we’ve gotten with our youngest that we never thought we would have. And it’s taught us so much about what love means and what family means and what being present in the moment means.
So, all of that is good, but at the same time, the more I learn about those things, the more I realize I don’t know about them. I don’t know how to stay present in the moment. I don’t know what family means and I don’t know what love means.
[Crying]
And it’s so hard. But I don’t want to mess up my children any more and I don’t want to harm them in any way, and so that’s why I finally went to therapy. Because my parents died and my children died and then my adopted daughter when we realized she was going to die, it was just too much. And so I finally found the therapist. Well, we tried another therapist first, but it didn’t work, but I needed it so badly I just kept going.
I don’t know how this helps anyone for me to say these terrible things out loud. These are things I should never say.
[Crying]
I don’t mean to complain. I’m so grateful. We are in a house where we have what we need and we are safe and comfortable. We are in an area now where we live where the children have the therapies they need. It took us four years to find where we needed to live where all six children would have what they need. And we’re in a beautiful spot and so I’m so grateful, and I have nothing to complain about. But, I cry all the time and it’s so hard and I’m so afraid of doing something wrong.
And my husband is so supportive. He’s good and kind and a gentle man and I am grateful. But, I can’t ask more from him or more support from him, because he already does so much.
[Crying]
So, I don’t know what to say about DID or inside kids or how to function on the outside. I just know it’s really important to me to do it right and to take proper care of my family and that I have to figure out how to work out this DID stuff, because I have to be in the right place at the right time. And maybe that’s really simple for everybody else, but it’s really hard for me.
[Crying]
Things like field trips and backpacks and lunches and permission slips and all of those things are like multiplied times six and trying to track all of that and be where I am in the right place at the right time. It’s so hard for me. So, I need to be in therapy so that I can function and so that the children have what they need.
My husband tells me that I’m not a danger to the children, and my husband tells me that I’m a good mom. And I try to be present in their schools and helping with their teachers and their teachers say that they’re good kids and that they’re doing well and the therapist, if that’s what she said, was look at the evidence and if the evidence is that I’m doing okay. But, it doesn’t feel like I’m doing okay. And I’m afraid that if I don’t do okay so I don’t know how to hold all of that.
[Crying]
And I can’t have dinner ready quickly for eight people if I’ve lost an afternoon. I need to be able to track time. I need to be able to know what’s going on. I need to be able to prepare so that the children have what they need, the husband has what he needs, that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, and keeping up with the care of all of the kids and all of their showers and their laundry and G-tube feedings, and oxygen settings, making sure the supplies get here. All these...it’s just so much.
And if I can’t tell the difference between what is a nightmare and what is actually present time of yes, I am resuscitating my own child. I have to be able to tell what is reality and what is not. Or if it’s all reality, then I need to tell what is inside and what is outside. I don’t want to be like my mom and I feel guilty for even saying that, because I shouldn’t disrespect my mother.
[Crying]
And I know she went through a lot, because of the things that she told me. And I think also that I have a lot of guilt for being away for that whole decade when I should have been helping her or taking better care of her and it maybe wouldn’t have been so bad at the end. I should have just driven her that day. I should have been driving.
I can’t undo that. So, what if something like that happens with the children? People say, “Everybody makes mistakes.” But, when I make mistakes, people die. I can’t make a mistake. I can’t make a mistake.
[Crying]
Maybe I’m making a mistake in sharing all these things. But, I read about therapy yesterday and I listened to the podcast and if we’re going to talk about things, then we need to get to it. Because I’ve got to be able to take care of these children. So, if we’re going to talk then we need to talk.
[Crying]
So, I’m trying. So when I’m this upset, the therapist tells me two things. One - that I need to take deep breaths, which is really hard to do. But if I don’t calm down, I’ll have a full panic attack or something. [Deep breaths] The other thing I learned from what she has said, is look for the evidence of what is true in now time. And right now in now time, the only evidence I can find that maybe I’m an okay mom is that after all the children are in bed, when they’re asleep, when they’re ready to go to sleep, I sit in the living room and I play my Cello so that they can still hear that I am with them. So that they know that I’m still here. So that they know they’re not alone.
[Break]
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