Transcript: Episode 248
248. Emails
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Note: The contents of emails being read in this episode are in italics.]
So it's time for emails, again. Really sharing a lot. And so it's been super helpful. So it's good to hear from you.
But first, I want to thank Mason, and Heather, and Anne Marie, and Amanda, and Jennifer, and Laura, and Sissel, and Crystal, and Tamara, and Irina, and Julie, and Holly, and Nancy, and Lisa, and Mindy, all for donating to the podcast. And some of those donations, you guys, are just like $5. But I know that what a big deal that is, especially right now after the last year. And we are so grateful how you have continued to support us and help us be able to keep the podcast on the air. Thank you for that.
Our first email is from Crystal, who read our book. She said: The trigger warning at the beginning was really well done and well described. And I like how you gave the reader an idea about it not being chronological. She said: You all have been through so much, my heart kind of breaks for you. When I say that, I'm not saying it's been too much for me to read. Although parts of me seeks out reading about trauma because being triggered validates that something happened to us. Oh my goodness, I had not even thought about that layer of the feeling of validation when you read other stories. They said: Your book doesn't trigger me in a bad way though. It breaks my heart because I care about you and all that you went through and all the more that's not in the book. I can't even imagine. At the same time, I read it with a certain distance, like a separation between the book and you as a person, or between the podcast and who you are in group. Not that you weren't all of those things. But you haven't told me personally those things. So there's a certain not knowing that I go into because of that. Like I have deep compassion and I'm aware that something might be hard for you because of listening to the podcast or reading the book. But that's not all of who you are, and I'm getting to know you through relationship and not just know about you. That's very kind. And that's very true.
I think that that happens, especially with things online, like the podcast or like the family blog, or things at church, or in the professional community where there's a difference between knowing things about someone and actually knowing them. And that becomes pretty critical. And I think is something that's really important that we've learned over the last year as we've explored friendship, and what it is and what it isn't, and what's meaningful to us and what's not, and learning how to navigate that. Even though we've been super messy at it because we're so new and really just don't know, and also continue to struggle. And yet I think part of safety for us is that piece. There's a difference between hearing everything and knowing everything, or knowing things and knowing us. Yeah? So thank you crystal for that.
They said: Something that comes up for me when reading the book is that I go “well, my childhood wasn't that bad. So why am I complaining? I should be fine. I should be over it by now. Why am I messed up? I just went through this tiny little thing.” And I know that's not what you think, because I listened to the podcast and you say you can't compare content to process, which I guess I'm doing. So there's always that thing of “it wasn't that bad or not as bad as XYZ.” That's probably just a survivor thing, a way of minimizing what I went through. And then in group you're super kind and you said something that I'm not quite remembering, when I was talking about something I'm not remembering, about you not trying to compare or say that your situation was like mine in the present, because mine was really hard. Which kind of blew me away. That's so true. So you can't really compare traumas. Like, it literally doesn't work because there are so many different factors involved in something that is traumatic and how that trauma impacts you, and what that was like living through that, that's so unique to you. It doesn't compare to what anyone else went through. And so you can't talk about severity, or different kinds of abuse, or anything as an effort of minimizing your own experience, because the whole point is that it was hard for you. And it doesn't matter how hard what you went through as a child. No child should have to endure that. It doesn't matter if another child was also enduring something hard. Children should not have to endure those kinds of traumas. That's the whole point. Thank you, Crystal.
They said: I'm about halfway through the book. The way you organize the book, I think, makes it a little less like trauma dumping, and more like a story of how you made it through. Going back and forth between being an adult and little kids gives the book a little bit of a breather. Not that being an adult was easy, as there's all of that stuff. But it brings the reader out of the extreme abuse from your parents for bits of time, which gives the reader a chance to catch their breath. Also, it makes the book more about you and your life, and not just about what happened. And then also, because of the DID and being multiple, there's more breath between the abuse, because that's not the only thing that's going on in the story. There are also all these relationships between all of you, and you're not completely being alone. Even though it sounds like for a lot of it, you were completely alone, except that there were all of you inside. I love that. That's so true. I think that that's a powerful thing. And I think it's really a significant contributor to the experience of dissociation.
Crystal said: It shows the brilliance of DID and getting you through. It's not a horror story of “see how bad my childhood is and that's why I have DID,” it “see how DID and all of my people got us through the horror.” DID is the answer in the solution to the abuse, not the cause of the abuse. Thanks for everything you do, Crystals. Crystals, thank you for letting me share your email. I asked permission to read that. It was really helpful for me to hear your perspective and your experience of reading the book. It was a scary thing not just to put that together from the therapy notebooks, and not just to actually write it out or let it go out into the world. But that period between releasing the book and hearing feedback from people getting it was really really extra terrifying. And so you recommending the book and telling us what it was like for you to read it as a process and as the experience of that, and how you connected with it, and what was hard and what was good, like, that's really important information and helpful to other people who are considering it. So thank you for sharing.
Kim, our sweet friend Kim, says: I just finished the book and I listened to the 429 podcast. I don't even know what that one was or how to figure it out. [Laughter] I really need to learn how to do that. Y'all are pushing through some really hard stuff. And I'm so proud to know you, and proud of you, and continue praying for you and the outside family. The therapy stuff sounds so hard. I can't piece together what exactly happened but I understand enough to know it's heavy and I see nothing but bravery and the desire to be the best version of yourselves. You can insert me giving you a standing ovation. You guys, everybody needs a friend like Kim. We're so grateful for Kim and she has cheered us on from the beginning. And Kim, we love and adore you and we are so grateful for your sweet messages. Thank you.
Kate says: I am glad you have connected with your new therapist. Listening to the episode on finding a therapist made me think “wow, I really lucked out.” I only had to contact three therapists from psychology today before finding mine. One never got back to me, and the other had a sliding scale fee that was too expensive. The therapist I am with was still qualifying when I started seeing her. She is supervised by a psychologist who is an ISSTD member and she knows EMDR. I just wanted to share as someone who lives in Canada that there are affordable therapists out there. I hope the vaccines go well for your oldest kids. And thank you for sharing your experience of how it went. It's reassuring to hear as someone who's still waiting for their shot. Oh, my goodness, yes. You guys, that is big thing. And they just announced this morning that they are lowering the vaccination age for here, for where we live, to age 12. Which means our triplets will be able to get their vaccines. The announcement said that that's happening this week. So I don't know what that will look like here. Things are a little… [Laughter] I don't want to say anything inappropriate. I don't know what that will look like here, or when they'll actually be distributed, or how we'll get a hold of them. But the children are very excited. They are very relieved.
We have been in serious lockdown for one year and four months now, almost five months. So almost a year and a half we have been in complete lockdown in quarantine in our home. And, well in our yard, as well. But not going anywhere public. We have had, maybe, I can count the times on one hand that we have gone to a public park and been able to play because no one else was there. We have done maybe four or five outings in that year's time that we thought we can navigate safely with the people who were there. And the children wore masks and we were outside or it was done very carefully. And we have visited the grandparents maybe three or four times outside on the porch. And so everyone is very, very excited to get vaccinated. We are grateful.
But we also have some close friends from India, and some of our youngest daughter's family is from India and Pakistan. And we are watching with horror what's happening there right now. And our hearts go out to them. And while I'm grateful that children are getting their vaccines, we know that it's not over yet and that it's still really very difficult for a lot of people.
We also know that there's a lot of people who for a variety of reasons cannot get the shot, including our friend with leukemia and some other people who are not able to get vaccinated for anything right now. And so it's just really, really a difficult situation. And we are continuing to be careful and wear our masks and stay home. So I know that that's just been an experience for everybody and all kinds of different ways. And people like Kate who are still waiting for their shot. Thank you, Kate for sharing.
Trish wrote in that they got the book and they-. [Laughter] You guys, I loved this so much. We were having the worst week, like a very hard, difficult week. And, well maybe not the worst, I guess. But you know, like it, where really we were struggling and it was a hard week. We got one of the best emails in the history of ever from Trish and I laughed so hard. And it was brilliant. And I can't tell you how it lifted my spirits and sent us through the rest of the week with flying colors, even though the hard things were still happening. It was amazing. So Trish wrote in [Laughter] and sent us a picture of her with the book. [Laughter] She was reading the book in a tattoo parlor. She got our book. And she took it to a tattoo parlor to get tattoos over her scars. And I can't even tell you how powerful and meaningful that was. And I just shout out to Trish who sent us the delightful email and the beautiful picture. And we are so grateful that you are taking care of you in ways that are meaningful to you. And we are so glad you shared with us. Thank you Trish. That was awesome.
Cindy wrote: I received your book yesterday and I can see that it was not an easy feat with all the customs and extra postage. Oh my goodness. [Laughter] We're totally shipping the book internationally. But I can't tell you how many forms there are to fill out. [Laughter] But it's okay because we're here in quarantine. So what else is happening? Right? I'm just kidding. So like the kids are eating lunch and we're like filling out all these paperwork forms. [Laughter] But it's fine. The book is getting there. So Cindy, I'm glad you got your book.
They said: Maybe we could just have a lunch together sometime post-COVID and I will buy. That sounds sweet, Cindy. Thank you. Cindy said: Thank you for your book, your voices, your writing. I have been listening to the podcast as well, though my natural way is more to reading. And I read the entire book this weekend. I'm very touched by your story and by how it weaves so many learnings together. For me as a therapist, and as a person, it meant a lot for me to read. Thank you so much. Cindy, thank you. That was very tender. And I appreciate it. And I'm glad you got your book. I'm glad to hear it made it. We have sent the book out to 73 countries so far. I am so grateful. I appreciate you sharing about the book, spreading word about the book, and you can get it on our website at systemspeak.org.
Amanda says: So perhaps I should have waited. Last week I finally got up the courage to write to you in response to the podcast where I've been following your stories and listening to your interviews, and learning right along with you for over a year. And I had been resisting writing because it felt so odd to write to you about something that I knew was far in your past. Because I see how fast you were learning and growing, and I know that each episode is just a little snapshot of where you once were. And then I realized that the timing wasn't the biggest issue. It was part of it for sure. But there was something bigger that was triggering my intuition and keeping me from writing to you. And because I've learned to listen to that still small voice inside, I waited. I tried a couple of times to write but it always felt wrong somehow, and then I realized why. And once I understood that piece, I wrote to you because it no longer felt wrong. Hey, this is some powerful intuition listening. Good for you. I wanted to reach out and let you know that I'm here. Even while I wait to find a safer time to try and connect authentically in this space, I wanted you to know that I am here, rooting for you, seeing you, being proud of you. It's not that I need you to know me, it's that I want you to know how much I value this space, and your vulnerability, and your courage, and your insight. I wanted you to know how much I care even when I know it's hard for you to accept that. But I want it to be on your terms. And so I wrote to let you know, but also wanting to give you space from the intensity of that. And then I kept listening and I found out that peppermint isn't comforting for you anymore. I get that. I too have lost a therapist, and I know the wrenching pain of that. I was lucky enough to find someone who could help me process that, and three years later I'm still working on it. Oh my goodness, you guys, I cannot do the last year for three more years. We cannot. We will not survive it. It was awful. That, I, is maybe, seriously, like the worst thing that's ever happened to us ever, hands down. And that's saying a lot. Because we've been through a lot.
But I think it goes back to like with your abusive caregivers, you know what's coming. And you know what's wrong, and you know what's bad, and you expect that. Which is not okay. Like, again, no child should have to live through that. But when you have all of your hope, and your life, and what you think is healing pinned on someone, first of all, that's too much pressure for them. And we will never do that again. We will never again, like, depend on another person the way that we depended on that therapist. That was not fair to her, and what I know now is it was not fair to us either. But losing that and breaking this spell of that is one of the most painful things we have ever done in our life. And that's all I'm going to say about it because I just can't. I will work on that in therapy.
Amanda says: But now I kind of wish I caught up before writing because maybe the peppermint tea I offered made you sick, and that was never my intention. Oh no, that's so sweet. Don't worry about that. Because your intention is gold. Right? Like, like that's what matters is the caring and the attending to and, and, and being responsive, and present, and that's like, really wonderful and kind. But also I learned more about how hard your year has really been. And it hit me that maybe staying away to keep us both safe isn't really doing that. There is healing in connection. There is healing in attunement. Oh you guys, that is something that we wrestle with over and over and over again. Because there are times where we have to stay away to stay safe, like for ourselves, and have to withdraw—like the turtle effect—like we have to go back into our shell and reestablish safety. And I never know, every time that happens, I literally don't know if we're coming back out again. Like it feels like we are done, it was not worth trying, it was not worth moving, it was not worth reaching out or turning toward, and so why do we keep putting ourselves in that? And then, at the same time, when it does go well-. Like, we have the new friends from the Healing Together conference last year. And that's been a powerful thing. And so maybe trying is worth it, and maybe we should keep turning toward. Like, [Laughter} I don’t know. it's so hard. And it's so painful.
And, as a side note. Just because I mentioned it. We keep getting a lot of emails about the group for other therapists who have DID. So the way you do that is you go to the Healing Together conference. It's every January. And then they have, during the conference they have the chat and chew lunches where you can meet with whatever people. So other therapists who treat DID, other therapists with DID, or just people with DID even. And you can pick which one you want to go to, where you're comfortable, what applies to your situation. And then they kind of in that group, make a group. Not in a formal way, sometimes in a formal way. But that's how to get connected and reach out. So I would highly recommend the Healing Together conference every January. And this is your heads up, because I think-. I'm recording this in the spring, but I think it will air in the summer. And so registration will be open a few months after that. So later in the fall this year, you can watch for registration. And I, I don't know if it's in person or virtual or a hybrid for next year. But that is the way to connect with people is the Healing Together conference. So I just wanted to clarify that for those who are asking.
I don't have like a magic button that can just like put everybody in an invisible group. And right now my group is the homeschool of six kids. So I can't, I don't have like my own forum. I don't have my own, like, community group online that I'm in charge of, or regulate, or moderate, or anything like that. I cannot add that to my life right now. I am not in a place where I can emotionally handle it. And I am not in a space where I can mentally have the spoons for that. Because we are still in the pandemic with the children. And so while that's a lovely idea, and the ideal of it, and I have done it in the past, would be amazing, and helpful, and supportive. And I would love to just like collect all my friends into one room and be able to like hang with them in a safe space. But I just can't. I can't manage that right now. And I would want to do that safely. And it's just too many spoons right now. So it is not me that is in charge of any particular group. I think people email me because of the podcast, but I don't actually have access to anything like that, then I'm in charge of. So what I would recommend to people is if they're wanting to join a group like that, to go to the Healing Together conference, and that's where to get connected. So I will see you there.
Back to Amanda. My apologies, Amanda, for the interruption. Amanda says: There is healing in connection. There is healing and attunement. There is healing and sharing grief and finding people who can truly understand us. We are not a perfect match, you and I, but we have commonalities that make us compatible. I do feel like I have something to offer, and know you have lots to offer me even without trying harder than you already are. I know you think you are bad at friendship, but you are good at humaning. And that's all I need. The rest is just details that can be worked out over time with practice and flexibility. Good humaning. I love that. I'm going to start saying that. I'm terrible at friendship that I'm good at human being. And this human stays in my house and doesn't talk to me. [Laughter] Oh, I'm laughing because it's true.
But it's not always what other people need, and what other people need is also important to me. And I think that's some of the stress of the battle. Yeah? Because you want to care well for other people, but you also don't have spoons, or you have your own limits. Or when safety changes, or when that doesn't look like what you thought it would, then it's hard to really navigate that of where can you open up or not? And if you do open up who does what with that? And then what is the impact because of that? And it's just so much work, and we are just too hurt right now. We are, I don't mean like in a resentful way. It's not like we're, it's not like we're, um—what do they say, like the dog—licking our wounds. It's not like that. If that were too raw. It's not time to make a move yet. It is not time to shift things. It is not time to, it is not the season for that kind of connection or reaching out. We are in a place because of what we have been through, and because of our progress in therapy, we are in a place of needing to acknowledge where we're at, of needing to be in that space in healthy ways with good boundaries. We are in a place of needing to talk about the hard things with our therapist. And right now, our life is full of hard things, which means there's a lot of things in our life we can't really share with other people. Because right now we're learning how to put boundaries on that and do that work in therapy where it is safer. Which is so ironic, because it's therapy that didn't feel safe.
And so we are learning huge lessons. And we are learning to sit with our feelings instead of dissociating from them. So we are also not in a place where we can connect and pretend everything is okay when it's not. Like, we have to be able to either connect authentically and wholly, or just not. Because shutting down the others or putting walls up to protect them doesn't actually help them. But putting them at risk doesn't help them either. And the place to do that work is in therapy. And so this is kind of a huge shift for us. And I don't know yet what that's gonna look like, because we're still learning. But it does change things. It has shifted things. And how to do that and still be able to connect when it is safe and appropriate to do so, those are like the million dollar questions. And by million dollar question, I mean it's probably going to cost a million dollars of therapy to figure. [Laughter]
Okay. Poor Amanda. She wrote an email and I’m just all over the place today. I apologize. Amanda says: You were making so much progress with friendship before the pandemic. I hear that you feel you've lost ground in that area, and that the lost ground is part of what has made this past year so hard. I have faith that you can gain it back and then some. And I'd like to be a part of that if you'll let me. I'm far away physically, which might make things harder. But maybe also that makes things easier, because I will not show up to take you out for your birthday. [Laughter] Well, Amanda, that's maybe the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. [Laughter] Oh, my goodness. You will not get used to me being physically available, and then lose that when one of us moves. I don't think I've ever had anyone that was physically available.
Um, the people that I know like in real life, as opposed to just people I've only met online so far, either live far away or they are busy with their own families and their own recovery. And so I think there's just a kind of isolation that comes with recovery. Which is part of what makes it so difficult when it requires connection to heal. So, unless that's part of what I'm still doing wrong-. Which is likely. And I don't mean that in a shaming way. I mean that in just, in a way of just acknowledging that it's difficult for us because it's new to us. And so we are still trying to do that.
In fact, my friend Peter said this week that friends are still friends even when it's not a good day, or something like that. Like that's not an exact quote. He said it much fancier than that. But I was, I was saying like, I don't, I don't have like, a chipper presence for an online chat right now because all this other stuff that's going on. Like, I'm just a little overwhelmed. And it's not that I'm out of control. It's not that I'm falling apart. It's that hard things are happening and I'm feeling that instead of dissociating from it. Which is good and progress. And that is right, and as things are supposed to be, and what healing should look like. But it doesn't mean I yet have the capacity to be able to do that and learn other things like connection. I can't practice everything at once. And right now, what are, what is being required of me and my family, quite honestly, is that we hunker down together and just be present with each other. And I have pretty much shut out the whole world. Not intentionally, and not in any kind of drama way, and not from avoidance. But because my children need me looking at them right now. They need eye contact, they need presence, they literally need my physical body present with them. And so I have focused completely on that. And it's what we need. And I try to care for myself in that.
Like, right now, the husband is home for the day. And it's actually Star Wars Day. May the Fourth be with you. So the children are all watching Star Wars with him. And I made them some fancy treats. And while they are occupied and happy, I've come out to the car to read some emails and do some podcasts because the list of what I need to respond to has grown so long. And so that's how I've been able to escape a little bit to catch up on work. And-. Well I'm not working today because we don't have any internet because of the tornadoes last night. But, but there's a lot of things we can do from our phone. And so just trying to catch up a little bit while they're occupied. Because really, it has been very difficult to do anything else but be present with my family.
So, I don't know that, between things like that, and the pandemic, and just our own history, I don't know that we've ever had anyone physically available. I'm not even sure I know what that means, or what that would mean to me, or if I would want it or not, or what that would look like. Like, that's feels so foreign. I almost don't understand it. So I'll have to think about that piece some more.
Anyway, thank you, Amanda, for writing.
The next emails from Irina, and she says: Hi, Systemspeak. Listening to Episode 240 about emails. We're behind in our listening. You had mentioned that you were looking for those who could transcribe some of your episodes. I was wondering if that was something you still had a need, and if I could offer to help you with that. Yes, that's amazing. We always need volunteers to help with transcribing podcasts. I think we have about 20 down now, maybe 25 finished. And so that's a great start. And I appreciate the group of people who have helped with that, so many different people have helped. But obviously like we have 300 episodes done, 350 episodes done, I think, 300 up. And that's just a lot that needs transcribing and it's something I am not able to do. So yes, we always need help with that. Thank you.
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Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.