Transcript: Episode 244
244. Emails
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Note: The contents of emails being read in this episode are in italics.]
Hello, and surprised. I have a rare moment where the outside kids are busy, all of our work is finished, and I think I have the time and space and spoons to record something. So I was thinking if I caught up some emails and shared those, then I could go ahead and schedule them to be dropped for Thanksgiving as kind of like a “hello” and shout out and “I'm thinking of you this weekend” kind of thing. So that's what we're going to do. I just have some emails to share, and I just wanted you to be able to hear us and know that we're still here and that we're doing okay, and that we are grateful for you. So here we go.
Melinda writes: I genuinely want to thank you for your podcast and the work you do. As you know, living in a rural area makes finding professionals who are skilled in treating DID very difficult. Yes, yes, that is so true. In one of your early episodes you brought on a guest, Lynn Harris, who just happened to live near me. I froze. I had been looking everywhere for months to find someone who understood DID, and here was a professional talking about DID who lived in a tiny little town only an hour from my home. Instead of making me leave my own therapist, Lynn Harris offered to train my therapist on how to treat DID. Considerable time later, my therapist is now taking on DID clients herself. I wanted to thank you because not only is your podcast relatable and helpful in its own right, but it has also changed therapy for me in big ways, too. I am so grateful to hear this Melinda, and that is exciting news. And I'm so glad that you had those resources and that it worked out for you like that. That's kind of amazing.
Liz says: Hi, Emma. I've really enjoyed listening to your podcast since I was diagnosed with DID earlier this year. It's really helped me understand more about my different parts. And I love the interviews you do. I feel so educated. [Laughter] That's wonderful. That's fantastic.
Michael writes: Hi. First of all, I wanted to tell you that your podcast has been an invaluable part of my journey. I have had an impossible time trying to find resources and support. Listening to your show has made a really big difference for me. Since I have had so much trouble finding support I thought others would as well. So I just created a Facebook group called The System Connection. It would mean a lot to me if you join thank you for everything all of you do. Good for you! That's fantastic. I love that people are inviting community in a variety of ways. We're not actually on Facebook like at all anymore, but I appreciate what you're doing. And I am excited that people are finding healing through community. I think that's just a beautiful thing.
Elspeth says: New Now Time is one of my favorite new episodes. I love the idea of compartmentalizing Memory Time periods into different somatic Memory Time drawers. This also helps to organize pieces of my history in a way that starts to link pieces together, instead of just having pieces floating around in the vastness of Memory Time space. That's so true. I think that one thing we've really done a lot of for a long time is trying to group things together. It's helped us get to know different ones inside. It's helped us organize our content. Even when we release the book it still is not in a narrative timeline from start to finish yet. We've just not made that much progress. But we can sort of topically note, here's this cluster of issues, and this cluster of things, and this cluster of things, and kind of navigate our way around that way, which for us is huge progress and absolutely counts. It's a start. Because now we finally, thanks to our previous Kelly, the one that we drove so long, the one who taught us about-. Thanks to our previous Kelly, the one who talked to us about Now Time Is Safe, and who taught us those skills, she was amazing. And one of the things that really helped with our time together that came out of that really was the book. The book came from our notebooks actually, during those five years of therapy with her are almost five years. So even in therapy now, we may not have all the answers. And there may still be some dissociation, obviously, and there may still be some amnesia generally. But mostly, we are able to sort of know the outline of what our issues are and what we need to work on. Which also helps us manage triggers a bit because we can predict them and prevent them in ways we could not before, even though we can't always stop it from being distressing, and even though we can't always plan for everything. It really makes a big difference. And I think is part of what kind of launched us from Phase One to Phase Two in therapy. So it's been super helpful.
They said: I think that sometimes for me, there's an extra dimension of struggling to capture Now Time. Like, I know all those memory times are in the past, and therefore can't be happening now. And I know that the present is Now-ish Time in a blurry sort of way. But often I haven't quite landed at the place where this is Now Now Time. And it gets really hard to move through Now Time as a general blurriness to Now Now Time where I'm actually living it. I would love to get to the place of actually living in Now Now Time and holding on to the present instead of my life just zooming by. Sometimes I am terrified by how fast time passes, and how fast Now Time becomes Memory Time. Thank you for all that you do. I have learned so much from your podcasts. You are amazing. I think that's a legitimate concern for anyone, even people who dissociate. But remember, as long as we're still dissociating we are basically walking around in a hypnotic state, right? And so there are things that we may not see clearly or understand or experience clearly because we are still dissociating. And until we can sort of come out of that fog it makes it really hard to track Now Time, and that can be confusing and disorienting at times. Acknowledging that it's dysregulating really is actually the first step in being present in the now because you are aware that right now you are distressed by it being blurry. And so that's a huge step and absolutely counts as progress. Good for you all!
This email comes from someone who's remaining anonymous, but they said: Hi Emma and System. I just noticed there were lots of podcasts published last Thursday. [Laughter] Oh, so this was from like a month or two ago where we just released all 25 of them at once this summer. I am making sure this was intentional, because I know you usually spaced them out. I love the podcast and I'm always happy to see more podcasts out. I just want to make sure it's on your terms. It kind of is and it was a strange experience. We could have just left them. They were scheduled out through February of the following year from July to February. But we just wanted to take a break. And as long as we kept counting down podcasts, there was something about that they just added the pressure to keep it going and stay ahead, and that was just too much and so we decided to just let them go and just publish them all at once. So that's not something we're always gonna do, or very often, or even ever again do. But it was kind of fun just that one time to push a button and watch them all just go out like dominoes. It was kind of wild.
They said: Anyway, I never messaged you before, but I really appreciate the work you do here. I was diagnosed with DID officially last year. The pandemic and me breaking up with my live-in partner who helped me track things made the already present time gaps in dissociation much more apparent to me and the people around me. You know what? That's so true. We experienced that as well. We have had lots of different ways to track time or to track roles or to track functioning or try to get through our days. And about three years ago we met a new friend who, like just sort of texted us a lot, not in an intrusive way but we were having ongoing conversations. And those conversations helped us track our days so much better. We were so healthy and so organized, and so present in a way that we never had been before. This was right after the podcast and started, I think. And when the pandemic hit and we were both swallowed up by taking care of children and trying to work from home, or whether we were going to get to keep our jobs or what was that going to look like, and all those things that were so difficult for so many with the pandemic. Our texting just kind of fell away in a different way because we couldn't be on our phones the same as we had been before. Partly because different parts were present at different times. And it kind of threw off the rhythm of our interactions. And we never really reclaimed that in the same way, and struggled because of it, because we had grown so dependent on them to manage our time. Which really was healthy for a season, but it's also not her job. I think we've said this before. It was not her job to be our case manager, right? And so it was a tricksy thing to learn to do that on our own, differently. I understand in our own way. I just wanted to share that I get what you mean from my own experience, though I don't at all mean to speak to your experience.
It was not the first time the possibility of a dissociative disorder had come up. A few years ago when it did, I left my therapist shortly after. I have had support in coming to terms with the diagnosis, but there's something unique about hearing the perspective of someone who was also going through it. Right? There's something so powerful about connection. I had been listening to the podcast for about a year before I was diagnosed and found it very relatable, even though I didn't remember a lot of it. I've really listened to a lot of episodes at this point. Oh wow. Good for you. That is more than we have been able to do. [Laughter] I have related to your therapist struggles a lot. After years of searching, I had a great trauma therapist before diagnosis. But due to her own life circumstances, she did not have the time to get the extra training she needed for DID. She was honest about this and we were able to process it together and find another therapist who could help. This was healing in some ways, yet it has still been very sad even though no one did anything wrong. So even though we have made a lot of progress, and done a lot of healing work on this, still someone resonating with that piece is like a sucker punch in the gut. Because that grief is so real and so big and so strong that it just hurts so much. And honestly even now in therapy we still are not disclosing about who is present in the session or parts or names or alters or anything like that. Like we are, she is, we are addressing complex trauma from a relational and psychodynamic aspect because that is where our wounds are and that is where we need healing. But therapy is nothing like it ever was before and I don't think it ever will be again. I cannot fathom or imagine ever opening up those pieces in the same way again. I don't know that we could live through that again. I Don't know that we could survive that again. It was so intense. And it hurts so much.
She says: I also relate to your thoughts about group, even though I am not in the same type of group. I am in a sobriety group and it is so difficult to show up, much less share anything, even though I know it would be very helpful to do so. I have been sober for the better part of a few years. I don't always see a slip coming because I'm dissociated from those parts. Also, the parts that have substance issues are so rarely the ones that seem to show up to group. It is great that you keep trying. Oh, this is really hard. In some ways, we have isolated ourselves a lot. We left our peer support group, we are not on any social media, and the only resource we really have still is that we started the community and we are sometimes able to participate in groups there. So it's really tricksy and we are grateful for those friends who have endured with us, because it is a lonely thing. Which is so ironic when it feels like your head is full of people, you know? Like, that's a tricksy thing. And when you're grieving even the loss of people, or the loss of those interactions the way that you had before, or the way you lived before, I think that it adds to the grief in some ways. I don't know. It's just a lot and I think still a sore spot for us.
Anyway, I love the depth and thoroughness of your podcast, your more personal episodes and the clinical interviews. You are very brave and you inspire me. Oh, my goodness, thank you for your courage and sharing and the inspiration that you give in telling your story. Thank you for sharing with us really.
And then someone anonymous said: I just wanted to donate some money to help you get replacement cochlear implants. Oh, my goodness, that's so kind you guys. They're so expensive. I do have old cochlear implants that we can trade in, but they are so so much, and they are no longer making replacement parts for the backup pair that we have—the old kind that still goes over your ears. So it's just kind of a culmination of pandemic disasters. I don't, I don't know what to say. It's just a hard thing. And until we get those editing podcasts is almost impossible. So we either have to record it lots of times until we get it right, which is not good for us, nor do we have the spoons for that, or we're going to have to-. I don't know what we can do. There's-. We can only work so much. We'll just keep saving. It's like anything else, right? When there's big problems you just take it one day at a time and tackle it one piece at a time. So we'll figure that out as we go. But thank you for your support, truly.
D says: I just finished listening to Relationalness episodes with Kim. Oh, yay, Kim! We love you, Kim. First, I really love listening to both Kim and you chat. The energy of that interaction is positively contagious. She's so sweet, right, and so real. That's why we love her. Kudos to you both for being brave and talking about hard stuff. That was a very painful conversation. But I appreciated that she brought it up. And even though it was a hard conversation, her bringing up her questions about what actually happened and where we are in our healing about it and asking in non-intrusive ways, that was actually really supportive and authentic because it acknowledged what our struggle has been, which is a very different feeling than being alone in the struggle. So we were actually really grateful she asked, and that's why we wanted to address it on the podcast publicly.
Also, I read your podcast posts within the community and I understand the context of the conversation better. A thought I had came up while listening has to do with a comment you made during the conversation about failing therapy. I've heard you say this before in other episodes, but it really caught my attention this time. Actually, I felt my insights curl up when you said it. Something about it just feels entirely wrong. The thing is, you're not the only one I hear say it. I think it myself sometimes and I heard others say it too. Can we just take a moment to excavate this. Failure. Doesn't that word just make you want to crawl under something? Truly, what a shameful word. Let's look at the definition. The definition of failure is a lack of success. That doesn't feel as bad as the word connotes. Actually, the definition seems to give some power and choice. After all, it is us who define success, right? So if failing is really about not succeeding, then we should be super careful and intentional about what we are defining as success. But when we apply the term to a situation or even ourselves, it's usually one in which we have had a fairly certain goal in mind. And usually, but not always, that goal is pretty black and white, you either do something or you don't, you either change yourself in X way or you do not. And for the most part, as we grow up, that thinking seems to be helpful as we learn about what's wrong and right or discern what is good or bad behavior. Unfortunately, that word failure gets used against us by the folks caring for us or even who know us best. “You failed.” “You're a failure.” “You'll never make it.” Those are the false things they tell us. And so the word becomes larger than life in our minds. It becomes wrought with shame and self-blame. So small, but that word packs a huge punch. It has the power to leave me breathless. Honestly, why did they even come up with the term? Why not just use “unsuccessful”? Anyway, the term failure sort of lacks compassion, doesn't it? I mean, it's so concrete it doesn't exactly capture everything that's going on in a situation to which we apply it. And there's always a bigger picture, always more to the circumstance that meets the eye. And as it turns out, our goals aren't always so black and white, are they? Sometimes they are things that cannot be pinned down so quantitatively, and yet progress happens. We did something, even if it wasn't exactly what we thought it would be. We did something, even if it wasn't exactly what we thought it would be. Let's go back to that definition. Failure is the lack of success. Generally, what is your measure of success? Did you define success in your mind or was it someone else who defined it for you? Chances are, if you're anything like me, your ideas of success aren't coming from your own mind or heart a majority of the time. But instead they are coming from the programming and overlearned scripts, remnants from childhood and beyond. So let me ask you this now. What exactly is success in therapy? From the therapist stance, it's a treatment that works to help you meet your goals, and that treatment can be many things. And while we set goals within therapy, the thing that is touted to have the most influence on therapy outcomes is the relationship. So then what is success in therapy? Getting the relationship perfect? Good luck with that. It seems that in order to reach or establish therapy goals, you must first engage with the therapeutic relationship, which is sort of rigged to trigger and torture you. [Laughter] That's so true. Oh, my goodness. I love her. She's been on the podcast before. So this person, this person knows what they're talking about, and I so appreciate their sharing.
They said: I get the idea. Really, it's just an idea that therapy helps so many other people 100% of the time. People can begin to question why it isn't working for themselves in the way they were expecting. We start to convince ourselves it's got to be us, that we're the reason our therapy failed, that we're too broken to be fixed. But that's a whole lot of self-blame, and that's just not fair. We can't put all this failure on our shoulders. We can turn the finger and say therapy itself is to blame for our failure. But we can also say excuses allow us to justify and blame while absolving ourselves for any accountability to pursue help or see what is within our control. In so many cases, success in therapy is not the transformation of someone from ill to well, but a better understanding of why we feel the way we do or do what we do, combined with the support for what changes may be made. And as you illustrate so well through sharing on the podcast, all of that understanding may not come from the therapist or in therapy hour at all, but instead may come from outside of it in your own reflection. It may not come immediately. It may come long after you've moved on. So let's be careful about what we're deciding success is when we're making our goals. Let's make them in ways that take into account for the bigger picture and all the chaos life throws at us while we're in therapy. Let's not take one for the team and put what didn't work in therapy out of context and solely on our shoulders. If success is showing up to session, you more than nailed that. If success is reflecting on the lessons learned from the mistakes and the relationship and applying learning, you're more than advanced. If success is making mistakes and trying again, you scored big time. From where I sit and listen, you have not failed therapy at all. Love and light to you. Oh, my goodness, I love her. Like, that was like a rain shower of truth bombs. [Laughter] That was amazing. I'm going to post that in the community so people can read it.
Brooke said: I just finished part two of your conversation and Episodes 259 and 306. I just want to say something about what you said to her and her response. You told her that you were sorry about the heaviness of your answer to her community question, and you told her it's too much. And I was waiting and waiting and waiting to hear her say, “No, it's not too much.” Because it's not. I'm sad that you missed the opportunity to hear her tell you that it's not too much. Because truly your story about the complexity of your friends and your Kelly is absolutely understandable and makes complete sense. Oh, my goodness. You know what? I just really needed someone to say that. I think that's really all I needed for a year is for someone to say, “Yes, that was complicated. And yes, that was hard. And yes, that must have hurt so much.” Thank you for saying that.
They said: It makes complete sense. There was nothing triggering about your explanations, and it absolutely is fair how you explained everything. I think she is incredible and real and wonderful. And I do not blame her at all in a negative way for her response. But I wanted you to know that I wish she had told you that your story wasn't too much, and you are not too much. And all of us listening are so grateful for every single episode you share. And I wanted to honor your continued vulnerability by being vulnerable myself and telling you the different way I received your story, and to hopefully provide some validation that you deeply deserve. Oh, my goodness. Well, that made me cry. That's all I have to say about that. Oh, it's still so raw. Like I'm functioning better. And I can get through my days. Like it’s just, oh, I can't even.
Crystals shared: Thank you for the medical appointment episodes. We still can't find a way to make a dentist appointment. Perhaps we need a buddy to help us make the call. Our gums have eroded from grinding our teeth and they told us before the pandemic that we had to have a two hour procedure to rebuild them. If we haven't made that appointment by the time this email airs, then I don't know what. Oh, I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna ask you if you made your appointment. I'm gonna email you back and be like, “Hey, have you made your appointment?” [Laughter] Oh, and about the urine sample. We have no memories around this. But that little wipe always totally freaked us out and we couldn't figure out why. Still don't know why, but maybe something there. So thanks for that. As far as those other women's appointments, nope. No system agreement there. Not happening. We've gone twice our whole life. So yeah, not ready for that level of self-care. We'll keep working on the dentist. Thank you very much. That's bad when [Laughter] when the dentist is the better of your option. [Laughter] That's when you know it's bad. Oh my goodness. I feel ya, I feel ya. They said: We have a woman dentist now and that and only have other women providers. It helps. True story. Good for you. I'm so proud of you. And also I'm totally emailing y'all to see if you got your dentist appointment scheduled.
Lindsey G said: Thank you for your warm welcome to Patreon, and thank you for your podcast and opportunity to do monthly support. I am so grateful as a therapist, as a client, as a person of faith, and as a human for the labor and vulnerability your system has agreed to for the sake of sharing, helping and educating. What an incredible gift your podcast is for nurturing compassion, modeling nuance and teachability, strongly supporting healthy safety seeking and boundaries, calling us all to invest in what is just and good, and in the effort to build bridges between mental health professionals and lived reality of those seeking us and our high quality mental health care. What a mouthful. Thank you. It is hard to put words to how I, my clients, and my loved ones are already benefiting from what I am learning from you all. Not just in your content, but also in your example, posture and tone. Peace be with you. Oh, my goodness, that was an email that we actually had to print and cut out and put in our journal to remember and to come back to when we need some encouragement to keep trying, because it's hard sometimes. So thank you truly for the encouragement.
Al Ali says: Hi Dr. Christiansen and System Speak. I heard your most recent podcast. I am so sorry to hear that your cochlear implants are not working properly. We, my husband and I, made a donation today and hope it helps with getting them fixed. Oh, that's so very kind. I believe you have every right to pause the podcast, no reason needed. But I hope that the accessibility to your cochlear implants doesn't have to be one of them. Thank you again for all you do. Your guidance last year and your podcasts have been an essential resource for me. Wishing you the best. That's so kind and we are so grateful, truly. I don't even have words. I am very grateful. We have been able to save about a third of one of them. And so we are making progress in saving. And it really helps. It's very, very kind. It's truly I don't even have words. But so I guess that's part of my Thanksgiving and what I am grateful for here, for all of you, for your support, and the hundreds of ways that you show up for us as we are learning to show up for ourselves and each other. Thank you so much, truly, and we are just grateful. So very grateful. Thank you.
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Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.