Transcript: Episode 245
245. Emails
Welcome to the System Speak podcast. If you would like to support our efforts at sharing our story, fighting stigma about Dissociative Identity Disorder, and educating the community and the world about trauma and dissociation, please go to our website at www.systemspeak.org, where there is a button for donations and you can offer a one time donation to support the podcast or become an ongoing subscriber. You can also support us on Patreon for early access to updates and what’s unfolding for us. Simply search for Emma Sunshaw on Patreon. We appreciate the support, the positive feedback, and you sharing our podcast with others. We are also super excited to announce the release of our new online community - a safe place for listeners to connect about the podcast. It feels like any other social media platform where you can share, respond, join groups, and even attend events with us, including the new monthly meetups that start this month. Go to our web page at www.systemspeak.org to join the community. We're excited to see you there.
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Note: The contents of emails being read in this episode are in italics.]
We have emails to read today. And always, the emails submitted to the podcast website are for the podcast. We try not to share too much personal information. Sometimes we don't read all of what someone writes because some of it is private. And we don't say people's whole names. Sometimes people request us does not to say their names at all. But we do have emails and we are excited to share them today.
Alison says: Thank you for your rich podcast Dr. E. I am an instructor at McGill University teaching adult mental health and couples counseling, and I propose two of your episodes to my students, the one with Heather Hall, and the one with John O'Neil. By the way, John is visiting our class to talk about DID this week. Thank you Alison. I am so excited that you are someone out there in the trenches, so to speak, doing a good job teaching about trauma and dissociation to new clinicians and future clinicians. And John told me he got to visit your class, and I am so glad that it went so well and that your students were so prepared and asked such good questions. Their accurate and healthy and appropriate education about trauma and dissociation was evidenced in that experience. Thank you for sharing with us.
Kate says: Dear System Speak. I'm sorry that you lost your therapist. With all the cold weather in the US, I hope you and your family are staying safe and warm. It was so cold, Kate, but we got through it just fine. And it's kind of all a blur at this point because that's how dissociation works, right? But we got through it. And it is like spring already here and we are enjoying having all the windows and doors open, and as much fresh air into the house and time outside as possible. Our family loves being outside. Thanks for writing.
James wrote in about the Worst Day. He says: The worst day was so many sad and beautiful things. It was a beautiful eulogy, a capturing emotional lament about our human experience, an insightful revelation into the paradoxically complex therapist-client relationship, and again, another vulnerable personal expression that serves to answer so many questions just by asking them. Your podcast is truly a gift. For the clients I have who seemed to have the capacity for it, I recommend it so wholeheartedly. Thank you, James, for your encouragement.
They also said: I'm sorry for your loss. Take good care of yourself. I'm inclined to think that this offering was such a solid first step in doing that. One of my therapy clients emailed earlier in the day before I'd heard the episode to let me know that your therapist had died. I can understand how one might feel alone at such times, especially considering the loss of your parents being brought back up. I also hope you will be able to feel that you are connected to a lot of us who care about you who are also feeling feelings of maybe not feeling like they are entitled to feel that close. And how these expressions, like the Worst Day, are creating more space for connection amongst all of us. Thank you so much for that and the growth you're inspiring in me and in others by educating and making your thoughts and feelings accessible. Thank you so much James.
There are not words to tell you how exactly deeply right that email was, and how much we needed it this particular day. That it is okay to be vulnerable. That being vulnerable does not make us unsafe or unstable, and that we can safely share in ways that model healing even while being authentic about what is painful and difficult. And it's actually about being real about what is painful and difficult that gets the healing there in the first place. And so it is a lot to share. And I am sorry that it's sometimes difficult, but it is also real, and it is an example of inviting healing in to the difficult parts, not just putting on a presentation that everything's okay when it's not. And so I really, really, really needed your email today, and I am grateful for it. And in that way, you are absolutely entitled to those connection feelings of feeling care as we get through this journey together. And you writing in helps me be aware of you. And so thank you for that support. And thank you for that encouragement. That was very much and exactly needed today.
Barbara says: BJ told me you all wrote a book. Congratulations. I can imagine the level of cooperation that must have taken. What a huge undertaking for a mono-minded person, much less a multi-minded group. We have ours on order. Oh, thank you for ordering the book. I also wonder how many jars of salsa did you have on standby during that process? That's so funny. That's actually a good question. Um, the book comes from writing we have worked on for over 20 years, but especially focused on the last five years through journaling and therapy work, but also artwork.
There are some scenes that we could see from art that one of us had done, you'll read about that in the book, but we could see through the art. And even though we still need to take those pieces to therapy and process those pieces in therapy, being able to get in touch with that visual memory piece through the art helped us paint the words to match it. For us, the success of the book is simply that we were able for the first time to put words to the pictures, because we had literally drawn out a lot of our traumas, but not been able to put words to them. And so now for the first time, we're getting words to them.
And so it sort of is still just a general outline. And no, not everything is in the book. But a general outline to be able to start talking about some of the easier things and some of the big pieces structurally, as far as things we have experienced in the past, and start working on them in therapy in a new way.
And as far as salsa, that's a funny question, because, you know, JohnMark from the podcast. But I missed him. And so it also is a little bit of a grief question. He's not out like he was before. And there is a lot of-. And this is actually maybe something important to talk about, because he was really one of the ones that helped with our stability, and helped protect us and our safety, and our encouragement and hope and cheering us on sort of. And when we lost access to that piece of our system, the rest of our system grew a lot darker, to be honest. And that was a really big shift that I have mourned, having access to that hope and that encouragement. Having access to that tenacity that was so accessible to us through JohnMark. So, I know he's not gone forever. I know he's not disappeared. And I know that he's not like a piece that's been erased. We just don't have access to him right now because of everything that's going on internally, which is a different private story. And so I grieve that, and I'm aware of that grief. And that's a hard thing. It's a hard thing. So yeah, we've not actually had salsa recently at all. I'm actually allergic to tomatoes. But we have some ready for him, and ready for that time when he comes back. And certainly some of the very early drafts, he was around a lot. And there was definitely salsa involved in that. So that was a good question. Thanks, Barbara.
We just listened to your worst day podcast and we are so sorry to hear about your therapist. You all have really had a doozy of a year, which is an understatement. Or maybe longer now. Thank you for noticing that, because other than the childhood, this has been the hardest year of our adult life. [Laughter] It has been brutal. How poignant that you've got the news so close to where your mom died. I'm grieving a little with you if that's okay, because we can and we have the spoons today. Thank you for saying you're not a victim. That really resonates with us. We often feel that way with the loss in the present, or anything that's painful, really. It dredges up all the old losses as well as the losses in the present. I also wanted to say you get to grieve too, whoever did the podcast. You're all connected, and I venture to guess you're all going to feel the loss in your own ways. That is when what's happening, exactly, what's been happening over the last year since leaving the therapist in Oklahoma. And so this, I think, just pushed the reset button and started all that over again. It's been really difficult. You all get to grieve at the same time as her family and friends. Larger, more intense grief doesn't cancel out less intense grief. All grief is valid. Thank you for that. I hope you can find a new therapist when you're ready. Hopefully one you can keep. Right? It's been difficult. But you guys, we have big news about that, actually. Not only have we found a therapist, and are we trying to talk to her. Although it's so hard and scary because starting over again. But there's also some really neat aspects to our new therapists, which we will talk about in the future, but not right now in the email podcast. Maybe some of you can work together in some ways to make that happen. We're trying very hard. Thank you, Vega System for writing in that email.
They also said: Congratulations on your new book. I'm really looking forward to reading it over a long drawn out period of time, mostly while I'm falling asleep at night because toddler. Hey, we understand that for sure. For sure. I don't want to flood your inbox, especially while you're grieving. It just felt weird, including this in the same emails as losing your therapist. Congrats again. You've earned it. Aw, thank you, Vega System. That's totally cool. And so excited you're excited about the book.
If you do decide to read the book, please take care of yourself while you're reading and after you're reading it, because obviously some parts of it are a little bit intense and can be triggering. So just we’ll continue to say that. There's a trigger warning in the front of the book. That is just our best we can do. I don't know how to tell a DID story without including trauma. So thank you for understanding that and being careful with yourselves. That's so so important to us. Even though we were reminded again that that is your responsibility, just like it's our responsibility to care for ourselves. But we want to be transparent about that, that you do take care of yourself.
Michelle says: Oh my goodness, Emma, and the others, too. I am in shock and my heart is breaking for you all. I am so so sorry for your loss. It is a real loss worthy of deep grieving. Please be kind to yourself. I wish I actually knew you in real life and could share real life care in this time. But I hope you feel cared for a bit by your listeners, from a distance at least. You know what? It's okay, because we're terrible with people at real life. We're still learning and still working on that, and so we're practicing. I don't know. Like, the whole world is coming out of the pandemic. And having to reintegrate externally into the community is absolutely overwhelming us and a big deal. And so I don't know. I don't know. Thus far, friendship has basically been very painful. I don't know.
On a side note, I found this new trauma training module by Janina Fisher and thought you might appreciate learning about it, especially module six. She's one of the ones that has been invited to come on the podcast. And they replied that they wanted to, meaning she and her assistants or whoever, like her team, if they if they are able to work it out, we'll be glad to have them on. But if they don't, I can't make them come on. So yes, there's some great stuff there. Although I have some questions that I don't want to bring up right now. She's not here to speak for herself. So there are some things that I'm like, “Wait, what?” So I really want to get her perspective on and talk about, but I can't until they set a date. But you guys always with the podcast, actually scheduling the interview always is the hardest part, getting it scheduled and making it happen. So we've already invited her on and if we can get her on and that happens, then that will be great. We'll be excited to share.
Julie says: I've been wanting to send this email for so many months, but have so much to say and so much fear about making connections and I've not been able to. However after hearing the Worst Day and Journey To The Past, I just had to reach out. First, you have every right to grieve your therapist. This is such an important relationship and the loss is huge. I'm so sorry this happened to you in an ever growing list of horrible challenges you've already had to face. I hope you can find a way to give yourself permission to grieve and know that so many of your listeners are there with you in spirit, sending you lots of love and support. We have felt that. We have felt that. And I'm so grateful. It's been several more weeks since we recorded the last email podcast, and I am so grateful for the support that we've had and the encouragement we have had and really truly appreciate your emails.
Second, thank you so much for writing your book. I ordered it today and I cannot wait to read it. I'm not even a little bit worried about it feeling like trauma dumping, because you're so careful and thoughtful and how you share your story. You guys, we tried so hard, but it's still going to be triggering. But that's different for everyone. And so yes, please take care of yourselves if you read the book. But we did try. We tried to be gentle as we could in that. Also hearing what others had been through and how they survive and create a life where they can thrive inspires me so much in my own healing journey. And like you said, telling your story in your own words can be so healing and gives you a little power over what happened to you. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a witness to your learning and healing. I've been listening to your podcast for about 16 months now, and I cannot tell you how much it has informed my own healing and recovery. My therapist has actually listened to your podcast after I spoke about it so highly. And now we regularly process what I'm learning from your words. You've helped me start to accept my own dissociative diagnosis, and find a little curiosity and empathy for the others inside that have helped me survive. I've also joined ISSTD through inspiration from your podcast. And while I'm too nervous to reach out much or get involved yet, I hope soon to find a way to connect with other professionals within the ISSTD community. I want-. And she shares some private things I don't want to read right now. I want you to know how valuable and important your podcast is. And I wanted to support it in as many ways as I can. I'm sorry for such a long email and feel like I could write a book just to express how much you have helped me and how much your podcast means to me. But I don't want to take up your time. Thank you so much for everything from the bottom of my heart. Oh, my goodness. I'm so grateful for you. And I'm so grateful for your sharing. I'm so grateful for your progress and healing, and the courage that you have had to make changes in your life to build something that is healthier for you and opening you up to healing. I'm so excited for you in those ways. And I am so grateful for your support. Thank you so much.
Bob says: Dear Emma, I've been listening to your podcast since 2018, which is when my wife had her breakdown. I have learned a lot from your podcast, which I check every week. Okay, and then he shares some things that are private and asked about if he can ask a specific question. You are always welcome to ask a specific question. And if you need your email to be private, then make sure you say that because we literally open up the emails while we are recording the podcast. So we absolutely will just respond to this privately, but thank you for writing, and I'm so glad it's been helpful for you.
Charlene says: I've been listening to your podcast for a couple years, and I'm a survivor living with DID. I was diagnosed with the idea about 10 years ago. The first time a therapist suggested DID, I quit therapy. I was horrified and deeply offended. It has been such a journey of meeting my parts, believing them, accepting them, and working really hard to love them. Living with DID is such hard and brave work. I have found so much validation from listening to your podcast. So often I have been afraid that I must be making this up. This feels imaginary, make believe. Except why would anyone make this stuff up? I've seen myself as a ghost self. I hear their voices, but no one can see them. It feels like I shift and change, but have no skin to hold me together and make me real. I wonder if I'm just making this up to get attention. Except I've always been very honest person, and I'm uneasy when I am the focus of attention. So when I hear of others out there who have the same kinds of experiences, although each is unique, it's like finding my tribe. Another one like me. Not exactly, but from the same family. When I hear your voice on the podcast, I often think, “I wish we could be friends.” And although we may never meet, I do feel a kinship because we're from the same tribe. Oh, that's beautiful.
They said: I've gradually grown from horror and self-hate, to acceptance and even a sense of pride in myself and this tribe. We’ve, all of us living with DID, have been through horrible unspeakable things. And we have a gift, a superpower, that enabled us to survive. I listen to you and think of how inspiring you are, and I can recognize that in myself as well. Oh, that's amazing! They said: Sometimes being inspired by another is the pathway to actually becoming inspired by yourself. I'm not as afraid of me as I once was, and the ghost self gets to put on some skin, proud of this tribe we are a part of. I have been touched by your journey of finding friends. Oh, I'm so relieved and grateful because I feel like it's been such a mess. Ah, okay. I too have been given precious pieces of myself and my story to those who did not know how to treat them with care. I am much more guarded in my relationships now, almost to the point of having given up. But I want to be cautiously brave. I can be, as I realize I am a people worth getting to know and worth being treated as precious. We are a gift, not a liability. We inspire. The more we learn to honor ourselves and who we’ve become, the more we know how to offer ourselves in safe ways. I just wanted to share that I've been inspired by you, your work, your words, your journey. We may never meet, but I feel a connection because we're from the same tribe. Becoming part of this tribe is not a price I would ask anyone to pay. But the more I understand about our tribe, the more sacred it feels to me, and I feel honored to have a place here. Thank you to all of you whose voices speak so courageously and authentically, and to all of you whose voices have not been heard. Who you are is amazingly beautiful, sacred, inspiring and brave. Oh, my goodness, that's so overwhelming in all of the best ways.
I really am going to have to print that and the email from James. I need to print them out and keep them in our notebook to look at again on days like today where we're feeling very defeated and having lots of questions about whether we should keep going or just taking down episodes. And at least we didn't delete them. And like, trying to regulate our big feelings when we are triggered by others who are struggling, and it just hurts that we can't just rescue everyone from their struggles, you know? But, but thank you so much for sharing. That was really a beautiful email.
Kathy says: I found your podcast through DID Awareness Day. I think I've heard of you through Facebook. I listened to your podcast a few times. Thank you so much for sharing. Well, thank you, Kathy, and welcome. I'm so glad you enjoyed the DID Awareness Day panel. That was an intense experience. When the video comes out, we'll put a link to it on our blog.
Michelle writes again: I'm thinking about you after losing another therapist, another person who you thought would stay. I just wanted to say that I have felt the pain of leaving a therapist, and it's so so hard. I'm sending you love and care over the internet. Thank you so much, Michelle, truly, truly.
There's something difficult and grievous about that experience. Because growing up things were always that way. But when you go to therapy, and you think things are going to be different, and you do the work of trying to start to trust, and then it all falls apart or you lose it, even when no one is doing anything wrong. Like the betrayal, it becomes like a betrayal of hope. Like you can't have hope anymore. Which is why we almost died. [Laughter] Like I think it's a big thing of “if this isn't going to help, then there's nothing's going to help.” Which isn't true, but that's how it feels, and that's how it seems. And those are not things you can think your way through. And so that was a really slippery slope. And I'm so glad there are others out there who understand what it's like to recover from that. Although I'm so sorry that you went through that heartbreaking experience yourselves.
Abby says: I just wanted to let you know how excited I am to read your book. Oh, yay, I'm so glad. You've provided such a relatable perspective of your experience. And it's been extremely helpful for my own possible diagnosis. There's so much more I want to say to you, but my head is too full and I don't want to lose what I have. Love you guys so much. And thank you so much for your work. I get that, about the head being full thing? I totally get that.
Lindsay says: I just started listening to your podcast. I only realized I was a DID with a system in the last year. We are on Episode Five. Our littles really found Now Time Is Safe to help them. Thank you for what you're doing. Oh, I feel two things at once when I read that. I feel gratitude. I'm so grateful that's helping people and that we've been able to pass that on. And then also it's like a memory from that time for us. And so it hurts. Like, it brings back that heaviness of grief so fast, like faster than I could snap. But I am so glad that it's being helpful, and welcome to the podcast.
Those are all the emails that we have today. But just to let everyone know that we're doing well so far. The book has dropped officially in public, and so that's been exciting and terrifying all at the same time. And the husband is still away, and so we've been on our own. But we're pacing things with the children. And spring has arrived with all of the work there is to do outside. And that has been beautiful and good and refreshing for us. And so just trying to balance work and children and playing outside has been helpful. But we also have the chickens, which are a delight, and the goat that is currently eating a butterfly net. So I'm going to go take care of that. But the goat is like a giant puppy, and the children love the goat so much. And it has been good for all of us to sort of move outside as winter has finally passed. And this winter was as symbolic as anything. And so we are grateful for sunshine, and for fresh air and warmer days. Even the fish are starting to wake up in the fish pond, and so we have our swing back there. And are trying to do our best in continuing to progress in the ways that we can.
We did that DID panel. And so this month, really, we are focusing on finalizing our preparations and rehearsals for our presentation at the annual ISSTD conference. We are presenting on Sunday. I think it's Sunday. And so we'll try to show up. [Laughter] I think it's Sunday. And so that's kind of where we're at with everything. We have gotten one vaccine, and are waiting for next month to be able to get our second vaccine.
And so there is end in sight. There is, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I am both relieved by this, and we are also anxious about that, what's coming and what's unfolding. And we'll see how things go. Thank you for writing. And as always, thank you for your encouragement as we have grieved another therapist and are working to find a new one, and we think we have one. So that is good news. And she seems to know what she's doing and talking about, and has been helpful thus far. So we will let you know how things go. And together we'll all just keep going one day at a time. That's where we're at right now. One day at a time.
[Break]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.