Transcript: Episode 22
Group Lessons
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
I want to tell you today about group. I mentioned it a few episodes ago, but we signed up and got accepted into a group for just four sessions in two weeks. So, it was super intense, but it was with The Crisses - that’s a system who’s doing some coaching. And I’ll put a link to their website in the blog again in case you want to look it up or find out more information.
But also, The Crisses are one of the presenters for the Infinite Mind, Healing Together Conference that is coming up in Orlando at the end of the month. So, we’re super excited because we are going to that and got to be in this group to learn the stuff that they know or wanted to share or coach us on in preparation for this conference, right?
So, it’s been crazy and super, super powerful and empowering and overwhelming [laughs] and overstimulating. So, I don’t want to talk about the group or the people in the group or things said in the group because that’s group rules, right? So, that’s legit and I want to leave that alone, but I can talk about what I learned and what we as a system learned.
I already shared this a few episodes ago, when we talked about internal worlds and internal landscapes and trying to make changes. So, we’re still working on the same things we talked about, like with Christmas lights, for example. And again, that’s just one tiny, tiny thing, but for us it’s a really big deal and a starting place. And honestly, I have just realized today, while I was in group actually, that I think one reason that that has been kind of paused, not stalled out and not changed, but why it’s been hard to go much further, is because we haven’t seen our therapist. So, maybe some of you are okay enough to not need to work with your therapist, but we need our therapist and we need help and want to check in about it and make sure that we’re not messing things up. [laughs] But, we’ve had all this snow and it keeps disrupting everything. It’s crazy. People are losing power and it’s been cold and our furnace went out, all of these things. And so, it goes back to needing safety on the outside to make sure we have safety on the inside. [laughs]
But, we are working on it and we are progressing and I promise to keep updating you as we learn more about the whole internal world landscaping process of making changes so that people that are on the inside are safe and can communicate and feel welcome and have what they need and things like that. Because it’s super important as far as working together as a system.
But it’s hard work. [laughs] And we have a lot to learn and other systems have worked on this for a long time, like years already. So definitely check out some of the videos online from different systems who have already shared about internal landscaping or things like that.
I’ve also already shared that another thing that I learned about was ANP’s and EP’s and that means different kinds of alters inside. So ANP’s are Apparently Normal Parts, meaning normal to the outside observer, kind of functioning in the external world. So, that’s me some of the time. [laughs] So that’s The Good Doctor at work. That’s the one who is kind of the mother to the outside kids, like she’s an ANP. So these develop, I learned in group, these develop to sort of function, to develop as personalities, to become an apparently normal, functioning person, right? But, that’s where there’s a lot of amnesia to the past. So like, not knowing about what happened to the littles or whatever, what not knowing happened to different things. Or like The Good Doctor doesn’t know squat, she knows nothing, even about stuff that’s happened to me. Okay, because she can’t work and function if she knows everything. So, we’re just not even going to go there, maybe ever. So, that’s one kind.
And then another kind or group or functional label, I don’t know the words, are the EP’s, which are emotional parts. The EP’s are parts that develop specifically for trauma or in response to trauma or holding feelings. So, some of these might be protectors or helpers or different kinds of... I don’t know all the right words for them. The Good Doctor will have to do that, but specific, specific things. And some of these are the ones stuck in time loops, which is a phrase I also learned from The Crisses in group about specific memories or time periods that are difficult or things like that, right?
So, one thing I learned though, that is new for me and I’m trying really hard, but it is hard for me, is about how these parts or people or insiders or others...I don’t like parts at all, we never say parts, but it’s called EP, emotional part, so then the language gets in you, but it’s gross and ugh, I don’t want that in me, so I’m going to call them E and something else like EO’s - emotional others or something, I don’t know. But these people are also just as valid as I am, even if they’re on the inside more than they are on the outside. So for me, I often am just focused on the mother to the outside kids and The Good Doctor who has to work so that we can have a house and pay our bills and things like that and like fighting with them for time. So [laughs], that’s where my focus is - is that I want everybody just to stop working. We don’t need to clean the house. We don’t need to be on the computer. I just want to watch a movie with the husband or maybe go out to eat or do something fun for a change, please. Like that’s all I really care about. [laughs]
What I’m learning though is like all these others, that I know are there, and I even know more about them than The Good Doctor knows, as far as who they are and why they’re here, but what I am learning is that they matter. Those other...the EPs or the other groups or the ones that don’t necessarily function on the outside as much, that they are just as important as the rest of us. What?! [laughs] I know, right? And that in our system, inside, there are no good guys or bad guys. We all matter. This is so completely foregin to me and so mind-blowing. I don’t even know what to do with it yet.
So, what helped me was when she talked about it as a system. So, what I could think about is social justice, which is a legit passion of mine and really, really important to me. It’s like classism or something. You guys are the bad guys and I’m the good guys so I’m so privileged or whatever and you are just oppressed. That’s not okay and it’s not okay with me out there in the world. So, why would that be okay with me on the inside? Ugh...talk about shame or shock or just one of those painful moments of self-awareness where you’re like, I’ve really had no compassion, which I thought I was a decent person. Apparently not a decent person to myself. [laughs]
Oh my goodness. I learned so much.
So, we can’t divide up into who is good and who is bad, because it causes imbalance. It reinforces trauma messages. It isolates us further. It can be re-traumatizing them. It excludes them from help and it creates those same panic responses like fight, fright or freeze and there’s actually a lot more, but that’s The Crisses stuff. So, I don’t want to go into it, but I’m hoping to have them on the podcast and let them talk about it.
The whole point is that when you do that, it loses trust. So, those who are quote, quote persecutors become more persecutory. Wow, I just said a really hard word. But bam, I get a badge for that. Because [short pause] you’ve isolated them and you’re not listening to them or paying attention to what need they are meeting and instead it’s more important, the same as like the therapist would say or The Good Doctor would say, I need to focus on myself [laughs] and my own behavior and my own interactions instead of worrying about everyone else and what they’re doing wrong. I need to focus on myself and take control of my own behavior and be aware that even when I’m fronting or outside or the one who’s out dealing with the world or the husband or the kids or whatever, that there are others inside who may be aware or are watching and they know what I say. And I can’t do things like invite communication or work together as a system if I’m out slamming everybody the whole time. So, [laughs] shame on me and snap. Oh, I’m so busted. This is a real problem. So, I have to learn how to be nice to people for one thing.
The other thing about communicating though is actually listening to people. So, this is another way that I have been totally corrected because communication isn’t just about me getting to say whatever I want. [laughs] In fact, some filtering is required at times. [laughs] So, I have a problem with that. But also, I’m supposed to listen. Yeah, that’s not happening. And I’m supposed to digest and think about what it is they have said or written in the notebook and then also respond to them. So, not just puking out whatever I want to say, but also actually interacting with them. Ugh, I hate therapy. I hate it so much. [laughs] It ruins everything.
No, okay, so this is the thing that I now understand in my head, but I cannot hold it in my hands. It slips through my hand like sand. [laughs] Ugh. But, I’ve seen a glimpse of it and it’s on my list of things to take back to the therapist, like with landscaping, of how to learn how to do this.
That brings me to the next point. One of the things I learned in group is that what is going on in the outside reflects what’s going on in the inside. So technically, if I don’t know how to listen to people or reflect back to them what they need, then technically I’m just saying theoretically here or hypothetically... whatever, that technically that means people didn’t listen to me or respond with what I needed. What?! Now, how naked does that make you feel? [laughs] Because that feels pretty raw to me.
So, if I’m not knowing how to connect with people at an intimate level of listening and responding to them, then who was not listening and responding to me? Well, I know the answer, but I don’t want to talk about it right now. But, that’s the third thing that I need to talk about in therapy. Ugh.
So basically, what I learned from group is that the more work you do in group, the more therapy you need [laughs] to deal with what you learned in group. So, ugh, I’m going to need more coaching. [laughs] Four sessions is not enough. That is what I learned from group - four is not enough.
And then the other thing, or maybe the last thing...probably not, the last thing I really learned from group is that the more that we are in our body and aware of each other and what’s going on internally and externally, the more quote, quote presence we have. And The Crisses say that presence is what is the opposite of dissociation. They say that the opposite of dissociation is not switching, but rather the opposite of dissociation is being present and aware of what’s going on and that the more present we are, the better our boundaries will be, the more congruent our life can be, and the more healthy our interactions will be. What?! [laughs] That seems pretty ideal and pretty far fetched from where I am right now. That seems so impossible. Except here’s the thing, we are already better at it. It’s really working and so I don’t know enough of how to explain that or help you do it, but as I continue learning, I will keep sharing because it’s a huge piece that we are learning. And somehow it all relates back to what the therapist has been saying for a year about how now time is safe. Ugh. But, I also learned, and I can do this myself without The Good Doctor maybe, this one tiny piece, maybe not, if she takes over, that’s not cool, I’m saying I really want to try this myself because for me, talking about it helps me retain it. If I can say it and verbalize it and visualize it while I’m talking about it, then maybe it will stay in this brain that we share, right? I learned that from group. [inaudible noises]
But the reason it’s hard to remember that now time is safe is because all of us, who share this body, share the brain also and the brain has been impacted by trauma. So, there are chemicals and neural pathways in the brain that we share that automatically respond in trauma kinds of ways, like trauma responses, even though maybe I went through this trauma and John went through this trauma and this little went through this trauma and that little went through a different trauma. Our traumas may be different. Our experiences and memory of it may be completely different or maybe only some of this one and not of that one or whatever. It’s all divided up. That’s the whole point of DID, people, right? But, the point is, the brain itself ,the brain we share, has these trauma responses because of what the body has been through. And so, The Crisses have eight different ways that that looks like and they all start with an F and I want to tell you about those things. But, let me do it in their way so either they can come on the podcast and talk about it or I can link you to some of their videos or something.
But fight, flight, and freeze are the common ones you already know. But, they have come up with five other ones that are similar responses, but do different things or different approaches or different responses to it. But when we get triggered and we react to fear, it comes through one of these ways, right? And so really, it goes back to what The Good Doctor was talking about...about trust and mistrust and even if the therapist says now time is safe, until we also experience that safety and at the same time are able to trust, not just her but also that safety that we’re experiencing, then the other people inside may respond from past time, like memory time instead of responding for now time.
So for example that’s what a trigger is. Maybe you already get this, but for me it was huge. So when Emma shared about the panic attack because some dude was coming in our house, the brain response was from memory time. That was what that was referencing, which we don’t need to go into right now on the podcast. But, what that was referencing happened a long time ago. That was memory time. What is happening now in now time was just that medical supplies were being delivered. It’s kind of simple, right? Except that the brain in now time was responding because of pathways built in past time and memory time. So, it felt like in now time was in memory time, but it wasn’t. We are safe. We are okay. All this stuff that was so awful is in the past. We already lived through it and this blows my brains away. Wait, that’s wrong in english. Ugh. I get it wrong every time….mind blown..something, you know what I mean. Like, what? It’s so big this isn’t even, I can’t hold onto it because it’s slipping through my fingers like sand. This is like it’s so big it does not fit inside my skull and that’s why we still need therapy because I can’t hold onto it by myself. That’s exactly why we need therapy. I need help holding onto that.
It’s so big, but it makes sense and it was like for a split second, I understood it. I couldn’t hold onto it. It didn’t fit inside my head, but for a split second I got it. For a split second that meant that everything really was okay, because all of the bad stuff really is in the past which means it really is over, even though we are still like ugh and dealing with it.
So I don’t even know how to respond. It was huge. It was so, so huge and those are the four things that I really need to talk to our therapist about. Unfortunately for me, it’s snowing again. [laughs] I’m going to start developing a new trauma and it’s just going to be about snow [laughs] because not going to therapy because of snow is starting to traumatize me and I’m not even at all mocking trauma or being insensitive to trauma. I’m saying it’s that hard to only go to therapy once a month when you’re supposed to be going every week. Also said with full respect to those who can’t even get to therapy right now for different reasons, but I finally, after years and years and years, we finally have a good therapist. And she’s four hours away and so to have finally found one and have started work and then right in the middle of things keep missing sessions because of the snow is making me crazy. Maybe we’re not crazy because of DID, but we might be crazy because of the snow. I’m just saying. [laughs]
Thank you for joining us with System Speak - a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. You can listen to the Podcast on Spotify, Google Play and iTunes or follow along on our website - www.systemspeak.org. Thanks for listening.