Transcript: Episode 263
263. Healing Together Recap (2021)
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
You guys, this weekend was Healing Together. And if there's anyone who needs some healing, it's us. [Laughter] So, we were there. And the conference was online. This is the annual conference that's always the last week of January and always in Florida. And this year it was virtual.
The opening session was so powerful. It was by Jamie who is known for Mindfulness Dancing, and is also a therapist who is out about her DID. And it was fantastic. I can't believe it. She talked about the difference between presenting as herself, with all of herself sort of aware and involved to somewhat in some degree, and speaking from that place of wholeness—meaning inclusiveness of everybody—as opposed to just her professional self. And so that gave us sort of a framework to for presenting that is not just Dr. E, but sort of how to navigate that to include a more well-rounded approach. Not just for presenting, but for interactions with others. Especially as we're setting different boundaries and shifting things because of our grief and other issues and changes from the last year. That we are reorganizing, I guess, internally in some significant ways, and what that can look like. I love that, that she spoke about that.
She also said, “What if your fear is because you haven't come to peace with your own dissociation.” And so she talks about what dissociation looks like in different ways, and how it helps us in so many ways, and how it's not just protective, but a skill in navigating the world and processing experiences. And the struggle of wanting to believe in the goodness of people despite, despite inconsistent interactions from others. And I think that's exactly what we've been talking about recently with noticing and being aware of in congruence. And so I love-. Again, it was exactly what we needed, exactly the issues we've been working on.
She quoted someone. I missed it. Again, my deaf ears, I'm sorry. I missed who she said said it. But she quoted someone who said, “Relationships are the last to heal because they were the first to get hurt.” That was huge. That's such a powerful quote. And it really gives us something to think about, and something to even give us hope. Because I feel like relationships are exactly what we're working on right now. And we mess them up consistently. We, we are just now getting to a place where I think we know how to navigate it. And yet putting that into practice seems really scary and I don't know if we can. I don't know if even our friends will still be there now that we're ready to finally try in a new way and what that looks like. Especially with sort of the added stress coming out of the pandemic as vaccinations happen. I don't, I don't know what that looks like. And there's some anxiety there, a little bit. But she gave us a framework, which adds stability and structure in the hope and courage of trying, which for us is everything. Loved her so much.
Dissociation is anything we do to sever from the present moment. So she talks about all kinds of ways that everybody, not just people with DID, how everybody dissociates and how that shows up in different ways. Anything that severs us from the present moment is dissociation.
She talks about how not just all of our feelings matter, but we need to own them. And that includes sort of tackling difficult issues directly instead of avoiding them, or passively, or sort of sideways in different ways. That to be healthy, especially in relationships, we have to really own what our experience is. And that means advocating for ourselves. It means being aware of what we're feeling, and figuring out why. It means communicating that directly instead of not speaking up. And all kinds of things that, again, are exactly where we are in our learning process. So this felt so huge. And if relationships are where we are in learning, then look how much healing we've done. If that's the last thing that heals, and we are sort of working on that, then that's huge. And so that was the first time that we've really been able to notice that we've made any progress at all. But it was a significant marker, a way to say, “Hey, we have made progress and this is how far we've come.” And that felt really good.
She talked about how important it is for people with DID to come out in ways that are safe and healthy for them. And how being vulnerable should not have to be a heroic act. That everyone should be able to be vulnerable and safe to be vulnerable. So that it's a commonplace thing. And that that's what would bring healing to our society, and what would bring healing to us as systems.
It was a fantastic, fantastic workshop, and I asked her to be on the podcast. So we'll see if she can come on and talk to us.
The next session that I went to was about reducing trauma drama. Which I love that she said that because we say it all the time. It's a thing you guys. And I love that she addressed it. But it's a big thing for survivors who, because the wound is relational, it's an easy place for it to get hurt or be reactive in sort of that jumping protective place, because you're trying to protect that wound which is in a relational aspect, or context. And so this was by Elizabeth Power, who was hilarious. Oh, my gosh, we laughed so much in this presentation. Also, I loved her because like me, she could talk faster than I could listen. Like, sometimes trying to edit the podcast [Laughter] I’m like, this is not just pressured speech. This is like I don't know what this is. I cannot listen that fast.
But she said some funny things. Like she talked about with integration. Do you really want integration? Like integration has not worked well for society, and talked about all the problems with the protests and the politics. And how we do that to ourselves internally. That we need to broaden the framework of what integration means. And integration is such a sensitive word that it's probably beyond its usefulness even at this point. And so what can we say sensitively to reference sort of that increased collaboration, but without doing that. And how they used to say fusion, but that that never made sense to her either because that was like a nuclear reaction. So how was that helpful? And so it was super fun. But she talked about what was sort of the goal for herself in treatment was being boundary appropriate, age appropriate and socially appropriate. And I loved that so much for so many reasons.
She also said something that was really important clinically about how evidence based treatment is transactional instead of relational. And that was huge. That was so huge. And I'm saying it to you so that I can say it to me, so that I can remember. Because this was an important piece.
She said we can't hide from the past because it's always with us, but that doesn't mean it controls us. And that was an interesting reference to Memory Time, I thought, a good context for understanding trauma, healing things we've been through. But she also talked about being curious instead of being upset as part of regulating our feelings. So when we have big feelings, to stop and think about, like, why am I having this big feeling? What is it trying to tell me? Kind of like what we've been working on ourselves in that way of getting the information from others inside and from the feelings themselves, instead of just acting or reacting or avoiding or trying to suppress them. So to try and use anchors to help feel our emotions in our bodies. And she said something interesting. She said people did not smile in pictures until after World War Two. Like, when you took photographs, smiling in a photograph didn't start until after World War Two. And that the reason we as survivors do not like to share our feelings is because our feelings were used as weapons. And so it was dangerous to share our feelings, and it was dangerous when other people had big feelings. Sot it’s just a level of safety issue.
She also talked about how she had to strengthen herself to get, to get strong enough to be able to tolerate the positive. And I appreciate that she talked about that because that's exactly again, one of the big things that we worked on last year, and that we have been working on this year. Like it was not at all a toxic positivity kind of perspective. It was not ignore what is bad and focus on good, or if you think good enough, you will get good enough. It wasn't like that. It was capitalizing on happy and good memories, and adding to the goodness as a practice. So thinking about simple positive experiences. So she talked about making sure that you have safe things around your room to look at. And making sure that you have opportunities to listen to music that makes you happy, or music that a specific alter other insider needs or prefers or wants, and enjoying things that you eat. Like very sensory-based experiences that are positive. Because they're like triggers that are good. And so I love this concept. And it's something we're going to be implementing and exploring. So we'll talk about it as it comes up. But how you can sort of develop for yourself good triggers, that cause the same kind of reaction as bad triggers, except with a positive outcome. And that I loved that you could do work to find and keep the good. Because we are in charge of ourselves. And I get to choose my reaction. I get to choose my response. And I get to choose what I retain. And I was so grateful for this piece and a showing me how.
Because that used to be on the wall of the therapists office, “You always have a choice.” And it's a piece that never clicked with me, that I could never make sense of. But now finally, I can see how we do. Because when we're just in those moments with our frontal cortex offline, we cannot choose. We don't have a choice. But this showed me in the context of where we do have a choice, and cannot just think like affirmation or positive things, but like actually do things to help choose before that happens. Before my frontal cortex goes offline, I can do this and this and this to help me already have that in place when that happens. And so that was super, super helpful.
The other thing that she talked about a lot was boundaries. And how boundaries, like the fence around the yard, that you can do this visual or meditation or piece of art or just sitting in your yard, whatever. You can imagine this and think about specifically, what does it look like? Is there a gate? What is it made from? Thinking about your own boundaries internally, what does that look like? And then remembering sort of psychologically, or in union, or whatever, that the house sort of symbolizes the self. So she talked about standing it in front of her house in this vision, in this meditation, being in front of the house, both protecting herself, but also being present with herself. And she also gave the example of a maple tree as shade in the yard within that fence, and process sort of how that symbolizes feeling safe, and feeling nurture and care and tending to that.
But also, specifically, that boundaries are the limits of what we will accept and tolerate and to what degree of closeness we will allow. And that is huge. It's so empowering. Instead of just letting anything happen, or instead of waiting for something to happen, instead of not knowing, like to clarify what are my boundaries that I'm willing to accept and tolerate? And what boundaries do people around me that are important to me, what are they willing to accept and tolerate? So she said, We specifically need to think, and we need to include all the domains. Like, these are the boundaries to my skin. My skin represents the boundaries of my physical self. So who can touch me, when, how? In what ways all of those kinds of boundaries? My mind, who has access to my mind, to what degree, when and how? What do I share? What do I not share? All of that. And then my feelings too. What do I let in? What do I take on? Like, I don't actually have to take on other people's feelings. I can be present with them in their feelings, and they can have all the feelings they want to, but their feelings don't have to be my feelings. And that was a big piece.
But then she also gave some fantastic concrete examples. She said one example that you can say is “We don't know each other well enough to have this conversation.” I loved that so much, talking about people who try to trauma dump on you, or talk too much about things that are not appropriate or healthy for you, or when things are getting toxic. How you can set that boundary and enforce it in ways that are not terrible conflict, or emotionally evasive, or passive at all. Just directly handling it with a boundary.
Another one she gave is people who know you have DID or know about some trauma and want more information than what you're willing to disclose. She said, an example of a boundary that you could say would be, “I have committed to a trauma-free zone, and that means only talking about those things with my therapist during specific appointment times.” Mic drop. I loved this so much, so much. This was so good, and I'm totally gonna practice this with my friends. Not that I have intrusive friends. My friends are really respectful, actually. But I'm going to practice saying it so that I'm ready when I have to say it with other people.
The next session was like the lunch break sessions where you ate lunch, but you went to a group on zoom still with different groups. And we got to go to a group with therapists who have DID themselves. And you guys, I was shocked. I was shocked. There were so many people in there. There were so many people they had to divide us up into four smaller groups. And it was amazing. I'm not saying any names or anything because I just want to respect everyone's privacy, of course. But a shout out to those people that are now in my heart and my mind, that I am not alone out there trying to work, trying to be a clinician who is healthy, and yet also having my own struggles. And we talked about what that's like. We talked about what's good about it, what's hard about it, what the struggle is, the stigma we received from other people, the stigma we hold for ourselves. You guys, it was so powerful. It was so powerful.
And then, and then you guys, the highlight of my weekend, the biggest surprise of all, was my friend Laura Brown, who has been on the podcast. Peter introduced us. And I love her so so much. She's one of my favorite people. Oh. This woman. You guys. She did a presentation. And I already emailed her and was like, “I had no idea how badly I needed this presentation.” But she did this presentation. Well, it was not even a presentation. It was like we were just hanging out in her living room. Like the discussion was so open and free flowing. We were able, of course, to cover her topic, but she just had, she was so responsive. It's one of the reasons I love her. She is so responsive and attuned to people and what their needs are. And so people would ask questions and she would make sure that she answered them, and clarified that she answered them. She was so present in the room.
But her topic was about dealing with the experience of your abusers or caregivers or parents who are dying and you have to take care of them, or who have died and how you deal with that and family. You guys, I had no idea that I needed this. If you ask me list all the things you think this conference will help you with. I never would have even put this on the list. I had no idea. My parents are dead. And yes, it's been a trigger recently, and I know we talked about that on the podcast when our therapist died. But you guys, I, I can't tell you how much I needed this and had no idea I needed it. It was so good. One of the most significant thing she talked about was how when you have parents and you were the child, that there's like, basically a contract that they will parent you as the child. Like, you get to be the child, and they get to be the parent. And that when they violate that contract, the contract no longer exists. That you are not responsible for caring for your parents or making sure they have whatever they need, or whatever. And she talked about the cultural considerations and all the sensitivity considerations, religious, all these different contexts, where of course everything plays in differently to unique situations.
But as someone who had a very traumatic experience while my father was dying of cancer, and having to be present at the hospital, but not allowed to participate or having any place to stay. Like literally living out of my car those weeks and months. And then when he was moved to hospice, not being allowed to participate in that. Or just many traumatic interactions during that time period. It was so retraumatizing. It was not good for my family. It was not good for me. It was really, really rough. And then also I had the experience of my moving my mother in when she had dementia at the end of her life before she was killed in a car accident. And so having gone through that with both of my parents in different ways, in both ways that were very traumatic.
It turns out, if your parent abuses you when you're a child, and then abuses you when you're an adult, it's still abuse. [Laughter] It's still bad. It's still trauma. It's ongoing. Like, oh, it was so hard. And getting through those situations, I don't know that I've even talked about that even in therapy. Like there's always so much other stuff that comes up in therapy, even in life, real life with our children or whatever, that it's hard to talk about those things. And so I don't know that that's even surfaced to be at the top of the list of things I needed to address. And this was so powerful. And I so so appreciate her vulnerability and her sharing of her own story in this context. And I'm just grateful. I love her.
But she also pointed out that we are born with a capacity to notice when we are being betrayed. And when she talked about this, it was so empowering because there are so many times that we dismiss signals of “these people say they are good and safe, but they are doing this, and that bothers me.” That maybe it's a minor thing, we can talk with them directly and resolve it. Or maybe it's a really big thing that actually is dangerous. But we we have to notice it. And we have to feel it and honor it so that we can choose our response. Because then it comes out all kinds of crazy sideways, and then you get a terrible year of podcasting. [Laughter] Like it's a problem. But it was good learning. And this really helped me understand.
She talked about how when your abusive parents die, how one of the layers of grief has to do with the loss of what could have been but will never be. And this is powerful. And I think it shows up in other layers too, even even with us in the therapy in the past. Like, she references this as the death of hope. Because there's always this tiny glimmer that things will be different or that things will change, or that if you're good enough, or you wait long enough, or something, that you're going to be chosen and loved and included and cared for and tended to. And when they die, that is lost, that glimmer of hope. And you guys, I think that basically that's really what when we're trying to explore what was so difficult for us last fall, I really think this is a layer of it. What we went through last fall, and I don't I don't want to get into it specifically. But what we went through last fall that literally put our life at risk was not about wanting to be dead, it was about what she's talking about, the death of hope. That things are not going to change, that things are not going to be better, that things are never going to be different, that you're never going to be chosen or wanted or loved in these ways, and accepting that. Which is so, so difficult, but it's also necessary work. And how to get through that phase of work, while cultivating hope that you can give yourself for how you're going to care for yourself, and how you are going to nurture yourself and tend to yourself, and how you can navigate the world getting your own needs met, and develop positive relationships that support you and love you in all kinds of ways. That matters. And it's huge work. It's deep work. It is the most painful work we have done this far. And if there's anyone on planet earth who could teach me this piece, it was Laura Brown. And I am so grateful that that she gave us this in that conference.
The evening session on Saturday that we went to was with Colleen Walsh and her therapist Kim Asher. So it was a therapist with DID with her therapist who we assume does not have DID. But I don't know, I didn't ask. But so. So they were both therapists, but they have a therapist-client relationship also. And they talked about what the boundaries were of that, and how they were able to do that to present together, but what they wanted to model and why their reason for doing that was. And that was really interesting because the whole day kind of include different things about boundaries in different ways. But to be honest, while the presentation itself, as far as what we saw in the beginning was lovely and they were doing a fantastic job, seeing someone with their therapist for us was just too triggering right now. It was too painful. We literally the day before, had just gotten all of our notebooks back from the therapist from Oklahoma from before. And our therapist right now had just died. And it was too much. So I’m just being honest that I did not get to watch that whole session. But it looked really good from what I was watching, and it was worth being there for. We just couldn't do it. So we were practicing self-care, and took a break, and did some journaling, and spent some time in the hammock, and put on some peppermint oil in the diffuser, and just really had some quiet time and relax for a little bit because the day was so intense.
And it was interesting to me that sometimes in conferences it's triggering because they have to talk about suicidality, or they have to talk about abuse, or they have to talk about other things that are really difficult. But this time for us what was difficult was all the relational stuff. It was just really, really hard. And so I appreciated that we've made some progress, and appreciated where our challenges are, and even just tolerating seeing a relationship was difficult. So no wonder it's hard to make friends. No wonder it's hard to be in the context of other people having friendships when even just seeing it hurt so much that I literally had to shut my computer. It's just accepting that, and being present with where I am, and acknowledging that that's where my hurt is, and that that's where our wound is. Was just difficult. But I'm really proud of us for doing it, and I think we handled it well.
But here was the super fascinating thing. The last session of the evening. I think Collin Ross was speaking. But we, because we're involved with ISSTD we actually get to hear him speak a lot at different things. And so instead of going to hear him speak, we went to Dancing Mindfully with Jamie, who was the one who opened the conference with the keynote in the morning. You guys, I don't know what to tell you about this. This is actually a huge part of our story. Because, maybe, I don't know. This is a time question. I'm just guessing, this is not exact. I would have to ask the husband. But maybe 10 years ago, 15 years ago? I'm not sure. We saw Marlee Matlin dancing. And she was coming to Tulsa on tour with one of the dancing shows. I don't even know the details. It's so foggy. But she's deaf, right? And so like an icon in the deaf community. So we were part of the group that got to go to see her, and sit up front because we are deaf. So yay, they honor deaf people. And we got to see her dancing. And I thought if Marlee Matlin can dance, I can dance. Well, you guys, that's not true. [Laughter] No, I'm kidding. But seriously.
So what happened was I started taking ballroom dance lessons. And it was maybe the first time I ever even had a taste of being in my body. And it was the most amazing experience of my life. It was fascinating. So they found an interpreter for me who also knows how to dance. Like really skilled at dancing. She's very, very good dancing. And so it was the three of us going around the ballroom in my lessons: me, my dance instructor, and then the interpreter dancing next to him. So the three of us moving around the room together because she was interpreting what he said while we were dancing. Like it was the most amazing thing. So I think we, this was even before we had cochlear implants. Like, I learned to ballroom dance with my ears off. Like, with no ears. Like, no, without my cochlear implants. And so I think while I was in lessons with them, or a year later, something, is part of why we got cochlear implants. I wanted to be able to hear that just to see. And I am by no means, let me be very clear, no means an excellent dancer. But you guys, I did it. I learned how to waltz, and how to foxtrot, and the rhythm dances. Like, we learned how to do it and loved it. And in fact, I would say that was maybe the first time in our lives that we did not have to be perfect at something, and yet were also the first time we were ever that free to move about in space, like this space around us in a room. I can't tell you how much I loved it. All of that stopped when the children came. [Laughter] Because the husband can dance a little bit because he went to, they studied dance at his school. I guess because he studied musicals. I don't know. But he can dance. And so even when we got married we kept dancing for a little while. But when the—ballroom dancing, I mean. But when the children came, like, we just didn't have money to do that, or time to do that. And you can't just leave foster kids with babysitters. And so like there was no more dating after that. And so we haven't been in a long time.
But I thought because I love that, maybe I would love this class. But I don't feel confident with my dancing. And this was not about that. It was not a ballroom dancing class. But that's why I was interested in it. But I was also super, super scared. Like, if this class, ike if it were not virtual, I would not have gone. But because it was virtual, I can go to Jamie's class but leave my screen off. And you guys, we were able to do it. It was amazing.
So she had these songs and it was dancing mindfully. And so it was not about doing certain steps or moving your body a certain way. It was about hearing the music and just feeling in your body what there was to feel. And so moving in the way that your body wanted to move, and just dancing however you wanted to feel what there was to feel and move your body. You guys, it was amazing. It was my favorite thing in the world. And so if Jamie ever hears this podcast, or if anyone who knows about Dancing Mindfully or whatever, here's this podcast, somebody find out how we can do more of that. Because it was the best therapy ever. And it will be my therapy for a season if I can find out how to do that. Because it was fantastic. So I haven't even had a chance to look up YouTube videos or anything. I don't, I-. she gave her website, dancingmindfulness.com, I think. But when I looked I just saw different like special events or to train as a therapist to facilitate those classes. I don't know. I, maybe I'm not looking at it correctly. I'm not understanding. But I really want to do more like Jamie's class. Because it was so good for me. I can't even tell you how good for me it was. I felt so much better. It was so healing. It was so grounding. I was back In my own skin.
And there were things that I was really having to make big decisions about, about whether to continue therapy or not, how to continue therapy, with whom to continue therapy, who my therapist was going to be, what that was going to look like, whether I was even going to try anymore. Like big, big decisions, because of all the hard things that have happened recently. And when we were done dancing, it was like all just settled in my mind. Like I had a very clear picture. I was at peace with it. I understood all the sides to things and why that was my decision, and what my plan was moving forward. And we felt like, if integration were not a bad word, like the most in the same space everyone participating I've ever felt in my life. I can't even tell you like. I don't know how to tell you. I don't, I-.
So clearly it's not entirely processed yet. I don't have words to express myself. But it was an incredible experience and I want more of that. Like, it made me hungry for more of whatever that was. They also, both days of the conference, had trauma-informed yoga or something like that. And I missed it both days because of confusion about the timezone, of when the conference was actually starting. So time, again, time is always the hardest part.
The 10 o'clock session I was gonna go to actually got canceled. The person, I don't know if they didn't show up or if they announced what happened. But it was interesting because person’s also canceled the podcast a lot. And so I felt better that maybe it wasn't about the podcast, and just that person's whatever's going on in their world. So I can just let that go instead of worrying about it.
But there was a panel of writers about memoirs. And this was fascinating to me and I was super excited. And a shout out to my friend Vivian. I got to see her and wave. It was fascinating to me because, as we've announced, we are releasing our memoir. And it is the first of several things we're publishing. And I'm super excited that we're getting to share that. But it's very anxiety provoking. It's very scary. It's almost like if the podcast was scary, this is like scary times 10. So I don't know. I was super excited to hear their stories. It was an unexpected panel because of the change in schedule. But I was in a place, for some reason, I don't know what was going on but I could not focus on zoom panel. So they have, because there were four people talking, it was up for gallery view. So all the little squares of all the people. And four different people were talking, and with my ears-. So with cochlear implants when you hear sounds, you still don't know where they come from. Does that make sense? Like you get sound but you have to learn with the sounds mean? And you don't necessarily have direction. Like, you don't know where it comes from. And then on a computer it's all flat. It's all flat sound coming from the speakers. And so even trying to look for the yellow box around who was talking, like I literally couldn't follow who was speaking when to try and follow what was happening. I just couldn't do it. It was, it was a capacity issue, not a trigger issue. So I just kind of jumped around that session.
I popped into someone named KD. I didn't get the rest of the name. But they were talking about getting to know your system. I popped into a therapist named Melissa Parker who was talking about your relationship with dissociation. Kind of like what Jamie had said. And talked about how do you dissociate, and she gave examples and zoning out, meditation, a runner's high. That all of that is examples of dissociation. Why do we escape? Why do we dissociate? To escape or to regulate? And then I checked in on Kathy Collier, who's an LMT, who was talking about taking care of yourself, balancing work and rest and exercise, being compassionate, how and when to ask for support, which I thought was really interesting, taking small steps, like anything you can do, going for a walk, sitting in the sun, eating nutrients, like anything specifically that helps take care of your body will make it easier when you actually have to stay present in medical appointments or things like that.
So then the second morning session that I was going to go to had also been changed around, and I ended up with loving yourself and internal communication. And I don't even have who said that and so I’m so so sorry. They talked about vision boards, and collages, using humor. They talked about equine therapy with horses, I guess that's the eqine part, and what that looks like and what that's like. And that was fascinating. I'd never have I heard of that. I don't think I've heard of that. And it was interesting to hear some of her experiences. She talked about some, she shared about some of their experiences that they've had as the person receiving equine therapy. And also, I guess she's learning how to do it.
She talked about somatic pain and how it's important to rule out that it's not a medical cause. But once you rule that out, the ways to care for your body and to care for the others inside to help ease the pain, or soften the pain, or cope with the pain. Including things like asking, Where is this pain? How old is this pain? What is the story that it tells us? And that's actually something that I don't know we talk about a lot because it feels like a lot of shame somehow. But that's a thing with DID where pain from the past shows up in the present like a memory, except it's pain in your body. And so sometimes it's inconvenient. Sometimes it's really unpleasant. Sometimes it's like debilitating painful. And sometimes it's also terrifying, because asking those questions leads to the answers. Which is scary, right? But she talks about being patient and being curious, and not to push so hard, to be more gentle with our bodies.
For the lunch break session, I went back with the therapists with DID. Met more of them, loved them. So grateful to have seen so many. We had some good conversations.
Collin Ross was speaking again. He talked about consent as an active process. That you can't be hard on yourself for not saying no, or not stopping abuse, or something, when you froze. Even as an adult. Because you can say no behaviorally, and freezing and not being able to consent is a lack of consent. And under- or over-reacting, past or present, window of tolerance, he was talking about those things.
And then finally, the last session I went to with Vynn Crawford, whose someone with DID, was talking about loving myself and my parts. And she opened with loving your littles because they're the easiest to love because they are so open, and they are so giving, and they are so child-. I mean, they are children. Right? Like, little ones who are so easy in so many ways to have interactions with. And this felt like a check to me. I felt a little checked by this. Because I think I'm most afraid of them, because of the stuff that they know. And I don't want to know this stuff that they know. And so I don't know. But I get what they're saying. Like, they're really sweet and funny. And I don't know. But I have a very delicate relationship with the littles, I think. And it's not something we talk about a lot on the podcast, just for protection and for safety. Like it just doesn't feel appropriate. But maybe we need to explore that. Not necessarily on the podcast. But I think that I feel corrected on some things, and how I interact with them, and what I do with those parts of myself.
She talked about how we can support our parts and make space for our differences, even mistakes. That we need to be able to forgive our mistakes, and focus on why we disagree, and holding space for each other's hurt and pain, and compromise instead of overruling, and honoring other people's choices or other insiders choices even when it's not what we would make. And that holding space means giving them room to feel and express emotions, be present without passing judgment, allowing parts to grow, and asking instead of assuming. And even with persecutors she said that we can provide alternatives and explore why, and to be aware that they're not used to being cared for. So we can build bridges—isn't that ironic that she even use that word, like it was the exact word we needed—move away from judgment and toward respect, admiration and acceptance, spend time with them. get to know them, receive advice and feedback, respecting alert signals that come, set healthy boundaries, communicate about how we can meet their needs. And then the last three things she said were actually things that I think we need for parenting external kids, too. So that was helpful talking about being a place of refuge, being an ally in recovery, and learning how to show up. And that was interesting because we actually have an ally, I guess I will say, that we were just having that conversation with. And so it made it really tangible for me in a neutral way that I can sort of trust that and receiving it from others who are safe. But also give that to myself in different parts as well. And then also externally with the children sort of passing that gift on in new ways as we learn it.
So I know that's a lot. But just a quick recap and a review of some of the things of Healing Together. It was done so well. I'm so excited that was offered virtually. I'm so grateful. Thank you, Jamie for the, both Jamies for for the keynote and also for Infinite Mind, the Healing Together, conference. I'm so grateful. What an experience to have gone two years ago in almost a full panic attack the entire time, and to go this time. Which albeit it was online, virtual, so in some ways it was easier. But also just to be able to do it at all and to meet others who have DID, and other therapists with DID, and receive good information, good connection, good awareness, good cooperation. Like, there was so much goodness in this weekend. And it really really was a strengthening, an empowering, and hope-filling kind of weekend in a way that we very much needed. And I'm so so grateful, truly so so grateful. So thank you very much.
And if you have not been to the Healing Together conference before, I would encourage you to go. It is almost always the last weekend of January. So put it on your calendars. Put it on your calendar for December like right now. Put in your calendar for December to look it up online and to start making plans in your budget for it so that you can go. And I don't know if it will be in person or online next year. I don't think anyone knows that yet. But it was worth going. And we have been in person and we have been now virtually. And every year the people that we meet there are people who become friends in a very special way of shared experiences that it's just a treasure. It's a treasure and I'm so grateful. We, we so needed that this year. And I am so grateful. Like my hand is literally on my heart. I can't even tell you. So just thank you. Thank you for the conference. Thank you for being so well done. Thank you for the accessibility during the pandemic, and that we were still able to provide that to so many. And for all who worked so hard to make it happen, thank you so much.
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