Transcript: Episode 18
Internal Worlds
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Okay, so, this is Sasha and I’m walking so you may hear some background noises. I hope it’s not too much, but if it is, I can talk about this later. But, I can’t not talk about it right now, because oh my goodness.
First of all, the sun is out. The sun has not been out in what feels like months. So, right now, I almost can’t even see the sidewalk where I’m trying to walk to the park. Like (laughs), it’s so bright. But, it’s good because we’re outside and it’s warm. It’s not snowing and we can go for a walk and that feels good.
So, I just..ugh...it feels good to be outside. And, I’m proud of us for being outside. I’m proud of us for thinking that it feels good to be outside (laughs).
So, we’re functioning, right? That’s something. It should count for something.
And, the other thing that’s a really big deal today that I just need to talk about is that we went to group. What?! I know, right? Like, the ultimate introverts went to group. Except that there were all these protections for social anxiety. Number one, it was on the computer and not in real life. I mean, it was real, but not in person. So, we signed up for these coaching sessions and it’s with other people who are plural in different degrees. And, I don’t really want to talk about that because, it’s not my business to talk about group on the podcast.
But, I do hope that we get to interview the leader of the group on the podcast. And, we’ve already talked to them about that, that system, and they’re agreeable. So, that’s exciting and will come up later in the future.
(Background noise)
Just someone dropped some lumber in the garage. It’s okay. Now time is safe guys. Just keep walking.
(Background noise)
Anyway, the leader of the group is The Crisses and they are actually speaking at the AIM Conference that is coming up at the end of the month in Florida. So, there’s a hundred things I have to tell you. There’s An Infinite Mind Conference and I’ll put the link in the blog. But, there’s the Infinite Mind Conference that is coming up about DID, in Florida, at the end of the month. And there are lots of us going and we are going. And, not only are we going but we are one of the sponsors of the conference.
We actually have one free ticket we are going to give away. So, you would still have to pay for your travel to get there and where you stay once you get there, but you won’t have to pay for conference registration. Which is a huge help or maybe there’s someone local that wants to go, but can’t pay for registration or something.
So, we have a free ticket to give away to registration to the conference. And, the only qualification is that you have to register for the conference in your same name that will match your identification. But, that’s only for conference registration and for signing in. Like, once you’re there and you have your stuff, they said you could put any name you want on your nametag or even change it up.
So, that’s super exciting. So, all you have to do to sign up for the drawing for the free registration to the conference is to share a link to this podcast and let us know that you did. So, you can tag us or message us. That way we’ll know you did and we will put your name in the drawing and we’ll have the drawing next week. Ahh! It’s so exciting.
We will also be featuring several of the speakers this month. So, you’ll get to hear more about them before you go or if you miss the conference. So that’s a thing and it’s super exciting.
I’m sorry again for the background noise of the cars and the wind, but like, it’s gorgeous outside for a winter day. And, it is really important for our stability that we come outside today. Like, we totally need to be outside and play. We’ll let the littles play in a little bit. We need some sunshine. I need to talk to you guys and we will feel much better.
So, what I want to tell you is that we started this group and obviously I can’t talk about what happens in the group on the podcast. That’s not what I’m here to do, but one of the topics in the group for our first session was the same thing we’re already talking about in therapy. Which, was super helpful, right?
But, it’s about the internal world and some people, I feel like, who have systems or are plural...I mean some people who are plural are already really good at this...and we’ve seen some videos online that are pretty specific. Like, people have worked really, really hard on their internal worlds and expressing what that is like for them and what that looks like for them. It kind of blows me away.
We’re not there yet (laughs). First of all, I didn’t know it had a name, that like internal world or internal landscape. I didn’t know that was a thing. We’ve talked about this before on the podcast, so we’ve been learning about it for a while, two or three months maybe. And, what I can say is what we’ve kind of become aware of is that we don’t have an internal world, as far as like a safe place inside or where we can meet up or whatever. We have an internal world that’s still left from where we came from.
So, what we have inside is the same place that we grew up. Does that make sense? So, there’s a house, a rather large, like, farm house. It was on a farm and next to other farms. And, there’s a pasture that went to the neighbors house, that were like good neighbors. So, none of that, I mean, so the neighbors were not scary people, let me just say that. That’s not...that was a respite for us if anything.
Oh! That’s what the therapist meant about learning kindness from other people when it wasn’t our parents. Oh my goodness! Why can I never understand anything in therapy and then it like comes out later? This is why I had to walk and talk, because it’s how my brain works. That’s when I put pieces together - when things fall into place when I move physically. The doctor says it’s something about cortisol or whatever, but, and how the brain works, but I don’t know that to tell you (laughs). She will have to tell you that, because I don’t get it. But, I feel it and I’m experiencing it so I hate when she wins.
Okay, so anyway, we don’t have that per se.
No, that’s not what I was saying.
Oh, yeah, the farms, right? So, this is where we lived when we were little. There was a house and I’m not going to talk about the house right now, but the littles are all still in the house. And, there’s the good neighbors, which I can remember. Like, thinking about or looking at or something, but not...like, I know we don’t still live there. And then, there’s also the pasture between us and the neighbors where the horses were and that was a good place.
So, there’s like happy things in there, which I guess is reassuring somehow. But then also, on the other side, like, past the chicken coups, is where the grandparents lived and that’s a different house. And then the woods on the other side of their house. So, that’s kind of where we grew up and that’s kind of where everybody still is inside.
So, if we’re talking about different people inside or different alters, I guess is the fancy word, if we’re talking about alters having specific jobs or roles on the inside or from the past, which I’ve also learned is called an EP. Like an emotional part, not meaning like they’re emotional like ahhh, drama, emo, but like, stuck in trauma or stuck in a memory or stuck in time or holding that experience. As opposed to someone like me who has to function in the world a lot. Well, I don’t really function a lot (laughs). I avoid functioning a lot.
But, I mean, Doctor E or the others who have stuff to do. I do my own thing. I date the husband - that counts for something, right?
So, like functioning or ANP or whatever - apparently normal parts. This is all this lingo that I’m learning that I didn’t know was a thing.
So, anyway, they’re all still there - in the same places where stuff happened. So, if we talk about people who had a certain job in the past, like those people with those jobs are still there. Which is why now time is safe (background noise) is such a big deal for us, because they’re not in now time yet.
And so, we’ve been working with the therapist on trying to help everybody know that there’s a difference between memory time and now time and that now time is safe. Now time has the therapist. Now time has the husband and in now time, the parents are dead - dead, dead, dead.
So, we’re working on all this, but we’re not there yet. But, a piece of that, which I finally understand (laughing). Oh my goodness, another piece is making sense to me, like right now. As if, the world just turned on in color. The therapist has been saying for a year, a year, she’s been saying, we need to go rescue these people (laughs). And I’m like, from what? Like, we’re fine. But, now I get it. Oh my goodness. As I’m talking, I get it. This is why I had to do this.
Okay, so, these people that are still stuck in time are also inside, still in the same places where everything happened. Okay so, this is big stuff. I mean, maybe you guys already know it and you’re already good at it, but for me, it’s brand new and it’s just now clicking - after a year...a year, you guys. It took me a year to figure this out.
Or, if you count the first therapist before, then it’s taken like 20 years to figure this out. Oh my goodness.
Okay. So, basically, what we can do, they’re saying...in those videos I watched, and the therapist and in group...so maybe they’re telling the truth and know what they’re talking about. They’re saying that we can basically use our imagination, either together or on our own. Like, not on our own to wreak havoc, but to get things started or trying, use our imagination to create safer places internally.
Like, my mind is so blown right now. So…an example is this, we have one...I want to be careful about this because I don’t want to disclose things that are not my story. But, I think this is an example of how it fits appropriately and it’s okay to share as long as I don’t go into details.
But, we have one who’s a child, who is still in our bedroom, from when we were little, right? So, for lots of reasons that could be a problem. But, the therapist somehow got in there, which I don’t even know how to explain and it’s not my story to tell, so I can’t go into that right now. But, she got Christmas lights hung up in there. Like, how did she do that?
So, instead of being the dark, this girl has Christmas lights in her room now. That’s an example of this. I didn’t realize it was a legit thing. I was just like, why are you fooling around and messing around with scary stuff? Only she made it less scary for the girl. Like, I finally get it, that this little girl now, at least has some Christmas lights.
So, instead of just being alone and in the dark, she knows that the therapist can get to her and help and that the therapist left us Christmas lights in that room, which makes the room way less creepy, I have to admit. But, I think that’s what they’re talking about. Does that count? (laughs) Oh my goodness.
Like, my brain is totally exploding right now.
(Laughs)
What?!
So, now I’m trying to think where else is safe inside. So, like the pasture for example and how can we use safe places to make communication with other people possible. So, like using our imagination.
I almost can’t even stay in my skin right now. Like, this feels so big. But like, I don’t even know how to get people’s attention. How do we get people’s attention from the pasture? Like (laughs), I don’t know how to do this. I’m not a farmer.
Oh! Oh! You guys...there was a bell on the porch at the neighbor’s house and that’s how she called her husband in for dinner. She rang the bell. We got to ring the bell. The bell was very cool. It was a giant bell, hanging from the porch, and there was a rope on it. And, we could pull the rope and the bell would ring and he would come for supper and we would get to eat too.
Oh my goodness! Okay, so this is huge. So, how can we use the bell, like in the pasture, to at least get people’s attention? Or find a way to make people safe or to help people know when to listen - to hear the therapist or something.
Oh my goodness, you guys! Does this count? Do Christmas lights and pasture bells count? Like, can that be a thing? I mean, I know it’s not super elaborate.
There are people who have shared their worlds online, who have like even designed it on the computers or on Minecraft or in other programs. That’s not going to happen with us because we’re just not computer people. That’s just not going to be our thing.
But, we can learn from that and you have to start somewhere, right? So, even if that’s all we’ve done so far, can that count? Does that help? Are we on the right track or is this just crazy sauce? I don’t know what to do.
And, if we can put a bell in the pasture to let people know it’s safe, could we put a different bell in the woods to let people know it’s safe or when there’s danger or when the therapist needs to help or we need the therapist to help.
Wait, what?!
Okay, so this is totally blowing my mind right now. I don’t know if this is the right thing. I don’t want to mess anything up. I feel like I’ve made two changes that to me feel really huge and everyone else is going to be like, “You’re ridiculous.”
But to me it feels like a big deal.
(Background noise)
This maybe is not the most informative podcast ever. I don't know, but I feel like the world has been shattered in like a good way. Like, somehow all of the sudden, I feel very powerful. Like, not in a bad way but in an empowered way. Like, where else is scary and dark and alone? Or who else is scared and alone and how can we help them? Like, that’s my next question and so it feels very overwhelming, but also creative and freeing and empowering.
And, I feel also at the same time foolish, that the therapist has been working for a year to just tell me this, what we finally figured out or understand. It’s like a breakthrough somehow and I need to just brainstorm and talk to some of them, that I am able to talk to, and journal in the notebook, so that others I don’t know how to talk to can see it and see what ideas we come up with. And maybe we can let you know about that.
Because this is big, really big. I don’t know how people started or how long it takes or if it’s really helping or whatever. But, I also know to be careful. I don’t want to mess things up for anybody. Like, I don’t want to go around putting in bells if that’s actually a bad thing for somebody. It’s not a bad thing for anybody that I know of, but if communication is one of the things that we’re learning about and talking about, then before I start installing bells everywhere, I should probably say, “Hey guys! Anybody have a problem with bells?”
(Laughs)
Are bells okay? Because they might be fine for me, but not fine for somebody else. The Christmas lights, the same thing. Maybe that’s okay with somebody but not okay for somebody else. But for us it was okay and it worked and they’re still there - like a month later. She’s not in the dark anymore, you guys. Like, this is big.
So, it feels really big and I can see how it’s such a global thing and can impact everybody, for better or for worse on the inside. And so yes, communication and inviting people to participate and talking about things before just going around (background noise) changing up the world is going to be really important.
But also, I have to think about it just for me, from my own perspective. Because I can’t participate in the group, meaning like our system, not the group session. I mean, I myself can not participate in that kind of conversation if I don’t even know what I need and knowing what we need is really hard. So, why is that? I don't kow.
I know some things. I need sunshine. I already said that. So, that can go on my list. I need dates with the husband. That can go on my list. And for me, that meets a couple needs. I need sunshine because I don’t want to be inside and depressed all the time. Ugh, gross, it makes me crazy.
So, the husband has some depression and there are some others inside that have some depression, but I don’t have depression and I don’t want it.
(Background noise)
And I don’t like living a depressed life. So, just going for a walk in the sunshine, even if the wind is still cold, actually feels really good to me. So, walks. I need walks outside. That’s on my list.
And then, I don’t want to parent all the time. Parenting is not my job. (Background noise) It’s not why I’m here. It has nothing to do with me. Although I can get into some pretty killer marshmallow fights.
So, I need dates with the husband where we’re not talking about parenting, where we don’t have kids with us, where we’re not in the hospital or dealing with crises, or having to do responsible things. I need to just play. Like, hang out and be fun and whatever.
I also know someone, who for safety, and again not telling more than what’s my part to tell, but for safety, our runner needs to go on trips. So that we’re legal and functional and come back home. So, we have to plan things. Right now, therapy is meeting that need because therapy is four hours away for us.
So, that weekly trip is helping that need. So, that’s an example maybe. That’s not about worlds though, except it keeps us from hiding. Wait, would she need a place to hide? Could that be a thing? (Background noise) If we have someone who wants to run to hide, wait, what? I literally stopped in my tracks.
What if we just gave her a safe place to hide? Can we do that? Is that a thing? What would that look like? She’s little. I know that. I mean, not tiny, but she’s younger. So, what would a safe place to hide look like for someone who’s younger?
(Background noise)
Oh my goodness, my brain hurts. This is all so big and it’s so much.
I feel like (laugh) I’m so powerful now. Things are popping up in front of my eyes as I walk. I may have finally lost my mind.
(Laughs)
I may have seriously lost my mind. I’m totally just seeing things in the field as I walk through on the trail. These are clues. I feel like they’re clues - the things that I’m seeing (background noise) and the ideas that I’m having. Are they from other people? Like other insiders? Are they responding already? What?
Okay, I feel like there’s some kind of faucet that has been turned on and everything’s changing in a good way, all of the sudden. Like, I really can’t handle it or control it or I don’t know how to moderate that or turn it off or turn it down or if just messed everything up.
So, maybe I need to stop here and take a break and check in with the therapist before I destroy the world as I know it. Because, we’ve either had a very serious breakthrough that’s huge and good and amazing, even though there’s still a lot of work to it ahead, or I really messed things up. Which is also likely in my case. I don’t know.
So, tell me what you know about internal worlds, which videos are your favorite about internal worlds and how did you learn to do that for your system? What is good? What’s not good? What’s helpful? What’s not helpful or important to be remember? How do you be careful, so that people feel included? Something that helps one person doesn’t trigger someone else - things like that are the things I’m thinking about.
So, we’ll check in again after we do this, or try it or start or talk to the therapist or something. We might just explode. There’s going to pieces of us everywhere. I don’t know.
Right now, I’m going to walk home before I get lost because now, it feels kind of risky.
So, thanks for listening. Bye!
Thank you for joining us with System Speak - a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. You can listen to the Podcast on Spotify, Google Play and iTunes or follow along on our website - www.systemspeak.org. Thanks for listening.