Transcript: Episode 71
71. Emma’s Letter
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
This week has been hard. I mean, everything’s okay, but our son is recovering from surgery still. And our daughter coded at school. And they’re both okay, but we’re so tired. And two other kids have been sick, just normal-kid-sick, like with the virus. And so we’ve had four kids who were sick to take care of. And the other two to get to school and on field trips and all of that.
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And all the extra hospital trips and trips into the city has used up our money budgeted for this month, however that works. And we missed therapy this week on Monday. We couldn’t go, because our son had surgery on his spine. So, he has to be flat on his back. And we had another child in the hospital, and so all of it was too much for us to be gone. Our husband couldn’t do it by himself. And so we had to miss therapy, which was really hard.
I don’t think we like not getting to see her, even though going is also hard in a different way. And we’ve been doing really well, actually. I know that we’re not perfect or have everything figured out, but we’ve really come a long way. And we’ve been working hard on things, some of the specific things in therapy, other things practicing certain things, new skills, like just being aware of avoidance in general, or noticing triggers, and different kinds of things. And it’s been a good rhythm, where getting to see her and going to therapy, we were really starting to feel better, and do better, and function better.
So missing a week is hard, because it feels like it interrupts everything, or disconnects us somehow, or makes things less real. But so much was going on that we tried to use being busy as a way to avoid feeling in crisis about missing therapy. That worked for a day or two, but now today, our son was not cleared to be sitting up or to be walking to the bathroom by himself, or things like that. The neurologist said that he has to stay on his back for another week.
And so we have to miss another therapy session. And knowing that just feels too hard. I don’t mean that I’m not safe. And I don’t mean that anything’s wrong. And I don’t mean to be such a baby about it. But also, it's the only time I feel safe. And it’s the only time we all have someone that we trust and agree with and get to see. And it’s when we learn and connect and are not alone. Even though what’s hard right now is because we have a good family, and we’re safe, and we’re being a good mom, but we really need that time. And it’s hard when we miss.
So, inside, if I’m being aware, and not avoiding what I feel inside is somewhat panic. We’re just going to lose the therapist and won’t see her again. Or that she will go away. Or that we’re in trouble. But mostly there’s this withdrawing kind of feeling, as if we have been able to keep some things closer to the surface, but knowing we can’t go to therapy pushes them back down somehow. As if going to therapy every week, or seeing her, or being able to talk to her, as if that’s what turns on the lights, or opens the blinds. And now it just feels dark again. I’m trying to stay calm, and I’m trying not to panic, and I know it’s a silly thing, but it feels big. And it’s hard. And I thought I was doing so well. And I thought I was feeling so strong. But now I just feel scared and alone. And maybe that in itself is a trigger. I think I just realized that this moment when I said it. I think that in itself is a trigger.
And so it all feels bigger than me already. And I know that’s just going to grow. And I could hold on, and I could push through, if I could just try and hold on until Monday. But now to get all the way to Monday, to have worked this hard to stay afloat for two weeks, and make it all the way to Monday, and miss her again, and have to go another week, it’s too much and it’s too hard, and I don’t know how to fix that. And she’s four hours away. So, it’s not like I’m just taking an hour break from being a mom. It’s an all day thing. And it’s an entire tank of gas, even if I take my own food or just don’t eat.
I don’t know how to make a way out of this. I don’t know how to hold on for that long when things have been going so well. And what’s worse is it feels like a bad joke, like a test, like something unfair, like I’ve been set up. I mean, not by the therapist, but because that’s what my homework is right now in the workbook, is about being present with what I’m feeling. Except what I’m feeling is not good. And how to work together as a system and talk to each other about things.
My chapter this week is chapter seven in the coping skills book. And the title of the chapter is ‘Beginning To Work with Dissociative Parts’. And so all week, I’ve tried really hard on this chapter. And some kind of amazing things have happened. And I was excited to tell the therapist and I was thinking she would be proud of me, and I was thinking how she will know I’m trying. I don’t mean that I have to earn her love, or that I need her to like me. I don’t mean like that. I just mean out of gratitude, because she puts in the time to see me, and the time to read the notebooks, and gives us extra time anyway. I want her to know that I don’t take that for granted. And that I know that it’s bigger than just her office. And that I am trying between sessions. I am trying so hard, but I’m not going to be able to hold on for another week, I just can’t. And it scares me, because I’ve worked so hard on staying present, and knowing what’s going on.
And I’m going to lose time. I know I am. I’m trying not to, but -- and right now, when I finally did the chapter that starts talking about how to work with the others, and how to notice them and be aware of them, this is the worst time to miss therapy. It says on the page, “Connecting with yourself and reflecting on your experiences are essential tasks in which you must engage every day in order to function at your best.” And I was proud of myself the first time I read that, and I wrote it down, because I feel like that’s something that I’ve really learned how to do, and have tried hard to do - doing the podcast, listening to the podcast, the notebooks. But I wrote down that if being aware of my experiences and my emotional responses to those experiences is what helps me function best, then why does it feel like I function less. And now knowing I won’t get to see her next week, I’m just not functioning at all. It’s too hard. It’s too long to wait. I can’t do three weeks. Two weeks is hard enough. And I was really pushing it to try, but I cannot do three weeks, and I don’t know how to work that out.
And I’m ashamed that I’m so weak. And I’m embarrassed that I’m such a baby about it. And I’m scared, because I’m worried I will lose more time. The book says, “The more you know and understand about yourself, all of you, the better the decisions you can make to improve your life.” It says that, “What keeps dissociated parts separated is the avoidance and the conflict.” That’s what I feel tonight. As I’m starting to have all kinds of layers of feelings about missing therapy, and about things being so hard at home, that I am noticing, because I’m paying attention and trying. I’m noticing the different ways I’m trying to avoid it and how it’s escalating. And it feels like on a rollercoaster, like I'm going up and it’s slow, and I can feel it’s going up, but it’s about to reach the top of the hill, and I don’t know what happens when we go over and down.
This chapter says that we fear losing control to other Parts, because some Parts have such different or unacceptable emotions and behaviors, but that the more you avoid them, the more difficult life will be. And so it says even though it feels counterintuitive, it says that to make things clamer and to make things more peaceful, and to make things more functional, you have to be aware of them and what they need, and respond to them. It says, “First, you must learn to acknowledge dissociated Parts, and accept the sense of being and feeling fragmented.”
And right now, I just feel shattered. I feel so unreal tonight, like I’m not even in my own skin. It says, “The way to build communication and cooperation is through direct dialogue,” like internally talking to each other. It says, “We need to learn triggers, learn to deal with triggers, confirm that we’re safe, feel safe inside, work together in therapy, and cooperate to function with daily life tasks.” And I think that’s where that lady, the Kathy Steele lady, gets the daily living Parts is from these daily life tasks.
And so I’m trying to notice with this example of missing the therapist, of recognizing what’s triggering what I’m feeling, what they are feeling, the different layers of it, and how to deal with it. And I’m trying to remember to focus on safety. And I don’t just mean not hurting myself, or not running away, but I mean that now time is safe, and I have the bear and the watch and these things that help us, the notebook.
It says, “There are several steps to do all this, and to practice.” And the first one is, “Gradually acknowledge and accept Parts of yourself. Pay attention internally. Become increasingly aware of the others. Accept all your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, as well as your behaviors and your body. And that when you are less judgmental, you will be less afraid. And when you are less afraid, you will be less ashamed, and less threatened.” So, just being present with what you notice that you’re feeling or that the others are feeling, and not judging it or feeling guilty, or ashamed of it.
Also selfish -- I feel selfish wanting to be away from my family right now. It’s not that I don’t want to be with them. And it’s not that I don’t love them. That’s not it at all. I just really need my time with the therapist. It says, “When you’re less afraid and ashamed, and threatened, then you can be more curious about the other Parts, and how they function, and will be able to work together with them more effectively.” I don’t know even how to be curious about them. Mostly, I’m just embarrassed or afraid, but I’m trying to face it, and I’m trying to think through it in this chapter.
The second thing it says to do is to listen to and communicate with each other, the other Parts of yourself, instead of trying to make it go away, which is what I do. It says you should listen and share and interact with them. And the homework this week was to set aside time each day for inner-communication, and that’s been hard. It says that when you hear them all talking at once, or you just hear the noise of it all, that it means you’re anxious, or ashamed, or threatened. And that before you can listen to what they are -- before you can understand what they’re saying, or before you can listen to what they need, that you first have to use your grounding skills to calm yourself, and increase your feelings of safety. And then you can try again.
It says, “When there are some who threaten or criticize internally, remember that these are patterns of the past and that with therapy and the way we model talking to them, they will learn empathy too. But they’re just trying to protect or pace how therapy is going, or keep the system in balance.” And so it says to start talking with safer Parts that you feel more comfortable with, and to focus on common goals, like safety, feeling better, meeting needs, self expression, and daily tasks.
And then the big assignment this week was that I was supposed to write on the computer, a letter, and I was supposed to acknowledge therapy as a venue of healing, share good intentions, admit feeling scared or ashamed, acknowledge the others and their roles, tell them pacing is okay, tell them you’re willing to try, and focus on tolerating awareness and knowledge. And I finally did it. Here’s my letter. It took me two days to do, and it was really hard - like all day, two days.
It says, “Hello, I know we have the circle notebook, which has been really, super helpful, and I’m grateful. I know we have the notebook for journaling for therapy too. Sometimes that is scary for me to read, and sometimes that is hard for me to read, but I always learn a lot. I know we have the group workbook” -- which is what this writing assignment is for. “And I know we have the therapist to help so we can talk about this more with her.” Except now we can’t, because we’re not going to get to see her. So, it’s one more thing that’s piled up. Just as we are starting to get caught up to the pile.
But my letter says, “I know therapy and all of this hard work is helping and healing. I’m not scared like I was a year ago, or as anxious. I’m able to do more things. I know more things. I remember more things. And when it is still hard, I know what to do to help myself. And when it is really, really hard, I at least don’t feel so alone as before.”
So, I wrote this before I knew we couldn’t go to therapy next week either. And I don’t feel in such a good and confident space as I did when I wrote this. But also, reading it now is maybe a good reminder.
My letter says, “The homework assignment says to share good intentions. I don’t know what that means, really. Bad intentions would be hurting someone, I guess, or taking advantage of them, or wanting your own way. So, the opposite of that is maybe what it means for good intentions. I only want all of us to have the help we need, all of us to be able to meet our needs effectively, and all of us to be safe, even happy or content, with how life is going, and the power we have to choose what kind of life we want to create for ourselves.
The painting in the therapist’s office says that we always have a choice, and one of the first things she ever taught me was that we know better than anyone else what we need. I think these are both true for all of us, and so it’s important to work together, so that we can choose and know what we need. That’s how we can take care of each other, maybe. It’s true that I feel scared. Some of what is in the notebooks is really scary, but I also know I have avoided a lot, because of feeling scared. I don’t always read those pages, or sometimes avoid the notebook itself. I’m learning about avoidance, and I’m trying hard to face things. I maybe can’t face everything at once, or everytime, or as real as you all had to, but I can stay present and try to know more.
I don’t know how capable I am, honestly. And I don’t feel confident about it, but I do feel willing. And even in the last few weeks, I feel more committed to it. We are strong, and we are brave. Someone says that a lot. I think it’s from the therapist, but maybe it’s true for me too. I also feel ashamed - that’s true too. But not of you, inside, not really, maybe a little, but not because of you such as feeling like a failure myself, like I was not enough somehow. I feel ashamed of so many bad things happening in the past, like it gets blurry of what was bad things happening, and what was making me bad, because of what happened. I think the therapist can help us with that.
I feel guilty for avoiding things for so long, for not knowing how to help better, for not knowing I could do anything to help. I am sorry. I know the others have helped so much, and that everyone is a unique part of who we are as a system. When I look at the things we have done and accomplished, despite all we have endured, I am kind of in awe. It doesn’t feel like me or us, but someone else, impossible to be real, except it is. And it is because of you.
Unspeakable and unimaginable things, I only see as flashes, are the very things that made you real. And the most terrifying moments are the ones that prove how very strong and brave you really are. I know some about your roles, from the circle notebook, and from the podcast. The podcast really scared me, but I have been able to listen to it, and some parts more than once until I could hold onto it. I know that Dr. E works, and I don’t always understand all that she has to share, but I am grateful for how she provides for our family, and in awe of what she is able to do. I can’t even comprehend it.
I know that Em has been the mother to my children - handling the appointments that overwhelmed me, and school meetings that overstimulated me, and dealing with the things that made me anxious, but we could not escape. I know she has parented the children in the ways I have avoided - like discipline, or managing the chaos. And I’m indebted to her hard work. I know she has tried so hard and struggled with doing it without becoming the mother we had, which is something I fear very much.
I know that Cassi protects me somehow, and has dates with the husband that make me shy of him, and handles confrontation and conflict with others that I don’t know how to deal with. I’m sorry I startle so easily, and have been so long uncomfortable with her comments on what I say and do, but I know she is trying to keep us all safe.
I know there is one for the mother and one for the father, and other little ones with them. I know some of that was so hard that Dawn tried to get away, and Sarah tried to tell. And when none of that worked, Katie tried to put it on paper. I know that Molly has tried to find meaning in it all, and make sense of the scattered pieces, and learn how to comfort ourselves, and how to reach out to them when I was afraid to, and how to bring healing to the horrific things they have endured.
I know there is a lot that I do not know. It is okay to take our time, and okay to rest in the safety we have with The Husband and the therapist and even trying to make friends. It’s okay to write in the notebook, and okay to talk to the therapist about things, and okay to ask for help when we need it. It’s okay to remember that now time is safe, to hold the bear, to wear the watch, to light it up in the dark. It’s okay to use oils and peppermint and the smells to remember NTIS - now time is safe. To remember we will see the therapist again. To remember that we are okay, and not alone anymore.
I’m really wanting to know more and do more and try more. I won’t always get it right. I will sometimes still be afraid or feel other things, but the therapist can help me, the notebook can help me, the workbook can help me, The Husband can help me. I don’t want to get in the way of what People want to share. Anyone can write anything in the notebook, but I may not always be able to read it right away, or right now. And maybe will take my time while we learn to feel safe. Maybe I will start at the beginning with the notebooks the therapist has. Maybe we can talk about those things, even while we keep writing now.
But all of us can share in the notebook or with the therapist, whatever we want to share, if and when we feel safe and ready and comfortable to do so. And I feel that is happening more and more. It is hard. It is scary. A lot of it is really awful, but it feels better in the notebook than inside, and feels better with the therapist than alone. Thank you for all your help, and for working with the therapist, and for writing in the notebooks.
Emma”
[Background noise of paper rustling]
So, I tried that - writing a letter to them. And what’s happened is in the notebook, they started writing back, not just all of us writing to the therapist, but for the first time, we’re writing to each other. One of the homework assignments in the chapter this week was to answer four questions every day after the attempts at inner communication. So, we’re supposed to try and connect with each other inside, and to take a timeout from avoiding them. And the four questions are first, to describe what we did to establish empathetic communication with Parts inside. And then second, to describe how they responded. And then third, what made it difficult to communicate? And fourth, why did you try anyway?
And that I’m supposed to write about every day. I’ve learned things from this. I’ve learned things that my children needed that I didn’t know about. I’ve learned things about The Husband that I didn’t know. I’ve learned that having friends is actually really important to some of the others, even though it still scares me sometimes. I’ve learned that part of why it scares me sometimes, is just the triggers from things that have happened in previous relationships and friendships, where I wasn’t always safe, and that I’m just scared sometimes that it’s not a good idea. But I’ve also learned that people need connection, and that some of them inside really want to have a friend, or someone to talk to, or to share things with. And so learning to make friends and to choose them wisely and to make an effort is important to them, and I need to find ways to make opportunities for that.
I learned that one of the Littles, that I’ve had trouble reading what they write in the notebook, really likes elephants, and that elephants are important to her for all kinds of reasons, and that everyones been thinking about it this week, and learning to paint elephants and draw elephants. And she wants an elephant. All of this as part of getting us through this week without the therapist. But none of these things I would have learned if I didn't first listen to them, and try to be present with them, even though it was hard and scary.
But rereading my letter, I already feel less scared, and less anxious. And I’m trying to hold on. So, maybe I’ll listen to me read it again, and maybe that can be a way of communicating inside, not just leaving the letter for them to read, but letting them hear me read it to them. And maybe if we keep working together and talking to each other, we could find a way to get to the therapist, or maybe we can make it another week without her, or maybe we’re learning that even when we don’t get to see her, we’re still not without her, because she’s still there. Maybe we can help each other remember that. And maybe that’s what makes everything okay, even when it’s hard.
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