Transcript: Episode 24
Planning a Mission
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Well, guys, it’s John and we’re in a hotel and we came for therapy, but then it snowed and then it was icing and now that means we can’t get home again. Except guess what? Because we have to do all those travels, we have enough points and if you have points, you stay for free. And so we use our points and we still get to be at the hotel where we can be safe because now time is safe and so we get to stay at the hotel. I don’t know how many days we had to stay at the hotel, but we get to stay at the hotel for this day.
And here’s what happened at therapy today. First of all, I want to see our therapist because I miss her a lot. Because we had snow days, I did not even get to see her and it’s hard when we do not get to see her. But Taylor was trying to come to therapy the first time ever and she just tried to stay and talk to her and I couldn’t get to her for my turn, even though I waited lots of times for my time and lots of snows for my turn. But also, I listen and she talk about...she did not want to come to therapy anymore because all of us are talking and writing in the notebooks and we have group and all this, except she said she came anyway because she knows that we’re better because of it. And like, there’s things of ours that is better for because we go to therapy even though therapy sometimes is really hard. So we don’t like when therapy is hard, except that’s just part of the deal, you see?
But, guess what? I got to tell you this. When finally I can get out for my turn because Taylor’s finished, well she finally she say we can give our notebook to a therapist, the new notebook where we wrote about what we need and what we like and don’t like and stuff like that. Well, she finally...I thought she was not going to give it or maybe tear it out or rip it up or burn it or something, because Taylor did that before. But she did not. She gave it to the therapist. She did. I’m not even kidding. And then when the therapist was looking at it, then I could sneak out and I could say, “Hi there” and “I want to talk to you about some things and I miss you.” And she missed me too and she gave me a high five. You know what that is? A high five for doing our notebook with all of our letters in it about interviewing anyone who wants to talk about it in the notebook about all the things we like and don’t like and where we are and stuff like that. And I told her all about group and I said I didn’t talk at group, but we went to group four times in two weeks and had those group sessions and we learn about stuff and I told her all the things we learned - like about Christmas lights and I told her about talking to each other and I told her about we got to be respectful and I told her about all these things and I got a high five. And she said that was really good work and she said it was really good stuff in there. And I gave her the other notebook where we just write about our days and I gave it to her and told her that she wrote in there about group and the things we learned in group and I got a high five. And she said everyone who wrote in the other notebook, the one about what is my name and how old am I, what do I like and what do I not like, what do I need and where am I and stuff like that, that notebook, everyone who wrote in there gets a badge. So, that’s really good news. A badge is like five high fives, you know?
It’s such good news. You did such a good job and we talk about all these things in group and we talk about all the things that were hard while we were gone, like how it was snowing and snowing and snowing and that was really fun except I didn’t get to come to therapy. And we talked about how the furnace went out so our house was so cold and you can’t even fix it, but it was so cold until it was fixed and we got a brand new furnace. Now I know how to fix a furnace and we talked about group and all the things we learned in group and we talked about salsa a little bit, because I said if I were having a group I would have salsa there. And I just was thinking about salsa, because our appointment was for two hours so at the end of my appointment, I was thinking a little bit about lunch and what will I get for lunch. And I got some sandwich and on my sandwich, I got lettuce and I got spinach and I got tomatoes and I got cucumbers and I got green peppers and banana peppers and I got a big sandwich of some vegetables and I ate it at the hotel. But while I was at therapy, I was just thinking about my sandwich. I didn’t have my sandwich yet. My sandwich was like future time, but in therapy it was now time. But, I was thinking about future time of my sandwich, but I did not really have salsa because I’m not at home and my salsa is at home, not at the hotel.
So when I’m just in therapy, we talk about that a little bit and now time is safe and so one thing we keep forgetting and I got to remember is that now time is safe and you know what she told me? She told me that if...well, I don’t remember the word and I don’t remember, but I forgot how she say it, but it’s in the notebook, but she kept it and we’re going to get it back, but I’m confused about it. But, she said if we see the parents then we know it is memory time, because in now time the parents are dead and they are gone and they can’t get to us and it’s okay because now time is safe. So, if we see her then it is now time because she is real right now. And so I was thinking about it and I was telling her about our Christmas lights inside and how I’m trying to help put up Christmas lights and do you know what she said? She said that’s the best idea. She said it’s a good idea. She says I can do it. So, what do you think about that? Except that here is something, it is that there are some...I don’t want to say their names because I don’t got permission, but there’s one girl who is locked in her room and there’s another girl who is not locked in her room, but she’s at the father’s room downstairs and I was telling her, the therapist, about our group and what we learned in group and how we can have a safe house inside or a new house inside where our neighbors live that were good and that place over by the pasture.
Well, I was telling her about this and she said even if we can’t get them all the way over there right now, we can still rescue them so that they’re not by themselves. And like, put up some Christmas lights or she said we could even get them all the way up to the attic where my room is. And we can have them up there just so that they’re not alone. She said we can get them up there to the attic where I live, even if we can’t get them all the way over to the other house right now, we can get them out of their rooms so that they know they are not alone because they don’t know the parents are dead. Sometimes I forget, but I do know and the therapist does keep telling me, so I’m trying to remember, but she said we could tell those two girls and we could go get them and bring them up with me and put Christmas lights up in the attic so it’s not dark for them or me. And it’s just an idea until we know how to get out of the house, one step at a time she said. But I said, I’m a little nervous about it because I really don’t want to go down there to get them, because it’s scary down there. But she said parents are dead and I said well, I can be sneaky and I can get down there maybe. And she said we don’t even have to be sneaky, we could even be loud, because they’re dead. And I said oh yeah, I keep forgetting.
So, I’m thinking about it, but I’m not sure because that’s pretty scary and also because what if I don’t know how. And I know that the one girl who is locked in her room, the lock is not on that thing, what is it called? I keep forgetting the word. Door knob. It’s not on the door knob, it’s at the top of the door. And well, you know what the therapist said? She said we can get a ladder and I can use a hammer or a screwdriver or anything that I want. I can have it inside and get that lock off and I’m pretty strong and I’m pretty good with the tools so I’m thinking that’s maybe a good idea if I can know how to do it. So, I got to talk to her and I got to think about how we can do it and see who wants to help me. But then, guess what? She said in that notebook, about all of us and what we like and what we don’t like and what we need, when everybody got interviewed and we filled it out on paper, well that took a long time to do, but now we got a whole lot of people filling it out and she said on one of those, one of the girls that’s a grownup, she said she would go with me because she’s not afraid of nothing. So, I said I’m not afraid except kind of I am [chuckles], but I don’t want to think about being afraid. I’m not a scaredy-cat, but I’m a little worried about it. But she said that she will go with me. So, if we work together and try and get this lock off and get those two girls in the attic, well I don’t really know how to do that. But she said we just can if we want to and she said we won’t get caught and nobody is going to tell on us because they’re dead. So, I got to remember they’re dead. And if they get scared or if I get scared, I can just say they can’t find us because they’re dead, but I don’t want to get in trouble with Taylor, but Taylor who’s the one who gave the therapist the notebook, so maybe it doesn’t matter. Except then later, the therapist was asking me some more questions about them girls and I didn’t want to talk about it and I know some of the things and the other things I know who knows and I could tell her that, but Taylor’s watching me and I was scared. Except I’m not a scaredy-cat, but I don’t know how you tell your therapist something even if you’re really good buddies, if they’re just watching you to make sure you don’t talk about things. Except we’re learning how to talk about things and so I was feeling a little bad because that therapist is my buddy and we talk about things, but I don’t want to get in trouble for talking about things. So, sometimes I just don’t know and I don’t know if maybe I should tell her that we don’t want to get hurt for telling things, but if the parents are dead, that is better, but also some of them inside know if we’re supposed to get in trouble for telling things. So, I don’t know how to tell her about that first, because now time is safe and we don’t really want to mess that up. Nothing like that.
And she said we can even get them girls out of the woods and I’m thinking I don’t want to go in the woods. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but that’s what I’m thinking. I think we should just stay in the office and eat some salsa. I’m not thinking we ought to go tracing around nowhere messing things up. So, I don’t know what to do about that but at the same time I know that if now time is safe and that therapist, she’s going to help me and I think she can keep us safe maybe, that we got to get them out of there because she’s right. It’s not fair that they’re stuck back there, but, well, it’s just unpleasant. That’s just what that is. It’s just unpleasant. I don’t even know what else to say about it.
How do we get all the way into them woods? Or all the way down the stairs past the mens and past through the studio to the father’s room where she’s still there? But the therapist said, we’re not getting our picture taken now. And the therapist said there’s no mens here. I told her I saw some men at the hotel. They were drinking beer and playing poker and I know who’d like to drink some beer and play some poker, that would be Sasha. But we did not drink some beer or play poker. I just walked us right around those men and got up the elevator as fast as I could because now time is safe. And I’m thinking we don’t need to be meeting men at the hotel playing poker and drinking beer. So, I just got us upstairs and I can do it because I can handle that big bag and I got our bag unpacked and I laid everything out and put it in a drawer so everybody could find their things and our backpack, it looks like a backpack, but it’s a diaper bag. I mean, we don’t have no diapers, but it’s got the teddy bear and some paints and some colors and some stuffies and some little toys and my cars and some different things in there.
So, I try to stay focused and I try to talk about therapy. But mostly I was excited to see her because we feel better when we get to see her and we do not feel so good when we do not. And we’re trying to hold it together, but there’s some hard things and sometimes we got to use up all of our time just trying to say out loud what we came to tell the therapist and then therapy is already over because we spent our whole time thinking about it instead of saying it out loud and Dr. E said, “You need to say it out loud. She doesn't live in here.” And I laughed and I laughed because I could see the therapist’s office in my head, like in my imagination, but she’s not really there so I can’t talk to her when she’s not there because she’s on the outside. She’s not on the inside, but sometimes it’s confusing.
So, today Taylor was going to go and the first thing she was going to tell her was today is not a day to touch us for you know like a hug or something. She don’t hug everybody, but I like a hug alright and sure enough, I saw her and I wanted my hug. So right before Taylor could even tell her not to, I got it, but I wasn’t stealing it. I just mean because I miss her a lot and it’s been really hard. So, when you have a friend and it’s been really hard and we wait a long time to see them, when you finally see them, you’re pretty excited about it, you know? And so I really was excited and I wanted to see her but how can I do that when everything just doesn’t work like that? When all of us trying to take turns or what’s going to happen if we get those girls out of there? I don’t even know. I don’t even know, but I guess we’re about to find out.
Thank you for joining us with System Speak - a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. You can listen to the Podcast on Spotify, Google Play and iTunes or follow along on our website - www.systemspeak.org. Thanks for listening.