Transcript: Episode 29
Meeting Molly!
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Okay, so I’ve just come out of therapy. Well...I thought, but now I’m in a different town and I’ve just been staring at a tree, it’s bright blue sky behind it, with white puffy clouds, and an evergreen tree with its green pine needles. And I’m just watching it blow in the wind and thinking I don’t know how long I’ve been watching the tree. I mean that sounds like a silly thing, but I don’t know where I am or how long I’ve been here or why I think the tree is so beautiful. But, I’m okay and I think we had therapy this morning. But it’s been two hours since then and I can’t stop staring at the tree. So, I thought if I talked about it that would help me focus.
There’s a can of soup that’s been finished and peppermint oil that I put on and it helps me feel my skin again and helps me breathe. But, I actually feel very much at peace - safe even. And I think that’s why the tree looks so beautiful, because I can’t remember how long it’s been since I felt that - just safe. And I think maybe everything’s okay and maybe we’re really getting better. And maybe I really am just safe. And I feel like I could watch the tree and see the branches move and the pine cones blow and maybe even just become the wind.
What was pulled up on the phone was an email that was sent to the therapist. It says at the top of the paper, “Meeting Minutes.” And in the email it says that we had some kind of meeting inside with Dr. E and Molly and John. I know who Dr. E is and I’ve heard John on the podcast, but Molly I don’t know as well. I know a little bit from therapy and my husband - that she was the chaplain at the hospital when Dr. E couldn’t work, because of everything going on inside.
And I remember one time my husband told me that she would be good help for us, because she’s not afraid. And one time in the notebook she wrote that God said that more than anything else, not to be afraid. Sometimes it’s hard for me to separate who God is and who they said God was and who some kind of Heavenly Father is and the kind of father that we had. And sometimes it’s hard for me to hold on to the difference. But, I guess she can and she knows a lot about different kinds of faith - like faith traditions and backgrounds, because she learned about that in learning to be a chaplain and in training and in residency, about people of different faith backgrounds or no faith backgrounds or inner faith...all those things. And so I know some of those things have really helped, but who she is just as a person, I don’t really know.
I found this paper of the minutes from the meeting and she’s the one who typed them. I don’t have it printed on paper, so I’m not sure that I can read it. It’s on my phone. There are notes, like who said what - like a transcript, I guess, of the meeting.
Dr. E said one thing we talked about in group was the need to communicate, even meet together regularly. I remember the other therapist saying we would learn how, but we had so much crisis and so many safety issues that we never got that far. Our therapist now has encouraged us to gather and to work together and this may be a good start. We can talk about it with her.
Molly has run meetings at work. So, I’ve asked her if she can take notes. She’s agreed, but requested to type. She can do that more quickly and easily than writing. She asked about formatting and I agreed she can format it any way she likes, and what she needs may change over time. Be sure to note that we can still write in the journals.
John has volunteered to make a newsletter of the meeting minutes and get it to everyone as well as trying to help us come up with a way of delivering messages to everyone until they are able to attend meetings or come and go as they please.
Molly has made herself available to accompany him as necessary, and the therapist can also help. Molly said, “I worked on a format as we started, and I’m typing so I think I can keep up if everyone takes turns.”
And John said, “The therapist always tells me to take turns.”
Dr. E said, “Good team work.”
I guess this is a meeting about a meeting, because we don’t really know much about how this works or what we need or even how to get people here. I do know that in group they said it’s really important that everyone knows they are invited, even if they cannot come or choose not to come. So, we need to make sure that happens.
John said, “Want me to put it in the newsletter?”
Molly, said, “Good idea. How do we find people? I’m willing to help, but don’t know how to do it. I’m just sitting in a hotel room and I can hear you and type, but I don’t really know how to see you or get to you or move around.”
John said, “That’s kind of weird. Also, you type fast.”
Dr. E said, “Hush. Molly, you can hear us alright?”
Molly said, “Yes, I can hear you both. I don’t hear the others. Sometimes it’s really loud and I can’t really understand anything, but right now I can just hear you two.”
John said, “That’s because we’re in Dr. E’s office. Don’t you know how to get to the library?”
Molly said, “What library?”
Dr. E said, “My office is in the library. I work from here and it’s where I live. I’m not in the house with the rest of them. I’m in the other house, across the pasture.”
Molly said, “I’m sorry, but you’ve lost me. It’s kind of overwhelming and confusing.”
John said, “You don’t know how to get to the library?”
Dr. E said, “Be respectful.”
John said, “Telling me to hush is not being respectful.”
Dr. E said, “My apologies. Listen, I think it’s because she was newer. She didn’t grow up on the farm, so she hasn’t been there. Add it to our list, because that’s exactly the kind of thing we need to talk about. The therapist can help. We need to be able to orient everyone, like how we have been practicing N.T.I.S. We also need to know where we live and who the therapist is, but also how to get around inside.”
John said, “Well, I can walk or run or skip or ride a horse, sometimes my bike, but sometimes it’s missing.”
Dr. E said, “Focus, John. Molly, if you close your eyes, can you see us?”
Molly - “No, I don’t see anything if I close my eyes, but I feel dizzy.”
John said, “Woah, how do you type with your eyes closed?”
Dr. E said, “Focus, please. Molly, if you can hear us, we’ll work that out for now, but we will come back to it later or maybe when I can talk about it later.”
Molly said, “Thank you. I want to help. I don’t mind escorting John wherever he needs to go to find the others, but I don’t know how to do it, so I will definitely need help.”
John said, “Well, I’m good at helping and you need to just be quiet and find something to stare at and then listen to me and I will tell you where I am and what I see and if you stay very, very relaxed of it, then you will find me. It’s easy. You just got to fall back and you’re there.”
Molly - “Okay, maybe we could practice a bit before we actually go and try and find anyone. I mean, just so I can learn my way around a bit and how it works. I don’t want to promise to be helpful and not be able to function. And if there is a house, I need to have a bit of an orientation to that too.”
John said, “We can practice and I’m so good and I will help and it will be so fun and we will do so great and you and me will get a badge.”
Molly said, “I would love a badge, buddy.”
Dr. E said, “Okay, so we need to get the mail out to everyone. They know about the meeting, that they are invited and how to get there.”
John said, “Oh, we need a map.”
Molly said, “That’s a good idea actually. I could use one for sure until I learn my way around.”
John said, “Me and Katie and the littles made maps in the notebook. We need to copy it and give it to Molly and then also put it in the newsletter.”
Dr. E said, “The therapist can help us get a copy of the maps we’ve drawn already. I had the same idea about some of the pictures Kaite has drawn of some of us. I think it would be useful to have a copy of those and put them in the new circle notebook to help with the orientation for everybody.”
John said, “But, what if we see creepy stuff.”
Molly said, “What creepy stuff?”
John said, “In the notebook.”
Molly said, “I can help you and the therapist can help you, N.T.I.S, right?”
John said, “N.T.I.S. Now time is safe.”
Dr. E said, “So, talk to the therapist about that too, because that might take some time for us to get organized and for any triggers that could happen when we’re trying to do it.”
John said, “But, I can, like a mission. The therapist said I can do the mission.”
Molly said, “Good work, buddy.”
Dr. E said, “They also said in group that we need to pace ourselves and go slowly and be sure that everyone is okay with the changes we make. So, it’s a bit delicate. I don’t mean hard or impossible, but we need to be sensitive to what people need and the space they are in when they are trying to do the rescuing.”
Molly said, “Okay, so we have a plan for now, maps to copy, and we need to be cautious that people feel safe while - “
John said, “Oh guys, what if Katie drew a new map, like a real one?”
Dr. E said, “You can ask her if you want to or we can copy the other ones. Whatever you want to do is fine. Talk to her about it.”
John said, “Okay, I will. I’m on it.”
Dr. E said, “I didn’t mean right now.”
Molly said, “Did he go? Where did he go? Who’s Katie? How did he know where to find her?”
Dr. E said, “He left. He went back to the other house to find Katie I guess, because he wants her to paint a new map. She’s good at drawing and painting, though her impressions often come from memories of others or seeing what they see. It hurts her too. I’m not sure how it works, but she can do all kinds of things I think. She lives in the attic with him, so he knows where her room is there.”
Molly - “They live in the attic?”
Dr. E - “Yes, it’s unpleasant and cold. I’ve been there twice trying to help, but it’s too much. I couldn’t do it and function enough to work. They need you. We may need you to stay there with them until we can get the others like the therapist said and gather them there and then move the lot of them over to the house so they are safe. It will be better for them here, but it’s going to take some time.” The therapist has been trying to help them and I think we’re going to need your help too.”
Molly - “I’m glad to help for sure. What can I do? Are they all younger like he is?”
Dr. E - “John and Katie are close to the same age, I think. I’m not sure. I know there are a couple of other girls around their age that are still pretty trauma-bound and not oriented at all to the present. So, we’ve been working on that too. There’s also several really little ones there. Cassy is sometimes in the attic, but I know Sasha lives there.”
“Who’s Sasha?”
“She hangs out with Cassy - sometimes hides behind her, sometimes pretends to be her, but she’s younger. She’s the one doing the podcast mostly.”
“Is that a good thing? Is it helpful?”
“It’s not at all what I thought it was going to be, so that makes me uneasy, but it’s been helpful as far as her having an outlet for the first time and actually learning and participating with the others too. Even Emma is making progress and I think that’s how we got the three Emma’s so close, at least part of it. Because it helped her remember. So, I’m trying to tolerate it and let things go and focus on my own interviews and let it be a communication tool. Because I’ve learned a lot about where they are and what’s going on that I didn’t know before. But, it’s definitely outside my comfort zone.”
Molly - “I guess as far as my comfort zone, is there anything I need to know before I start helping John with finding people. I mean, if he’s afraid or pretending not to be afraid, I’m sure there’s a good reason. I don’t at all mind helping, but what do I need to know for safety - for him or for the others or for myself? Is there anything I need to know? And why doesn’t he want to go into the woods?”
Dr. E - “Just remember that no matter how they present, even like difficult patients at work, everyone is here for a reason and a purpose. Find that and you will know. As for his concerns about the woods and about Taylor, I have some ideas, but I don’t want to assume anything. And a few things I know from Cassy in the past. But, I really need to draw the line there because I have to be able to work. So, I will let that be your job. Not in a setting you up kind of way, but I think you can handle it just fine and figure things out. Talk to the therapist. She will be a good ally for you for those pieces. Stay in touch with her though and let her know what you discover, either in the journal or by email or in session. That will be important.
The other things you may learn about will be hard things, like stories in the hospital, but those things with Taylor’s circle may seem frightening like they do to John, but you have the spiritual poweress and the adult perspective to understand differently what happened and maybe see through the smoke mirrors a bit. That will also be really helpful. I’m sorry to leave you on your own with so much, but other than safety, I really need to stay out of this so that I can focus on my work. I just have to and there’s not much we can do about that right now. So, I’m really grateful for you, but it may be difficult at times. Rely on the therapist. She will help you.”
Molly - “Sure. I can do that. I like the therapist a lot. Can I ask what you mean by Taylor’s circle? What does that mean?”
Dr. E - “I mean the others in the woods and another layer too that I can’t put my finger on. It’s almost like Taylor has DID too, but I don’t know how that’s possible. I really don’t know exactly or understand entirely, but with the therapist and your spiritual strength, you will be fine.”
Molly - “Anything else I need to know?”
“There’s another one Dawn, who hides in the chicken coup. She’s always hiding there in between trying to escape from the house or escape from the woods. She’s slippery, but no, she’s just little and terrified.
Also, and I know because I was there for some things, a lot of what she says are just quotes of what the parents said. So, don’t take them so much as statements as much as her reporting what she’s heard. She’s the one who did try to get away and who did try to tell and she needs to be on your list of people to rescue. I’ve seen her watching the therapist before, so I know she’s trying to learn. But be gentle and be slow. She’s a bit feral and she will bolt. That’s heartbreaking. Tragic. It’s not an easy mission you signed up for really. Keep the therapist in the loop and rely on her and she will help. They will need you. I am grateful.”
Molly -”Well, I’ve seen a lot and handle a lot, so I will do my best. Anything else?”
Dr. E - “One last thing, in the attic in the far corner, there’s a cedar chest, like a hope chest. The girl is in there, locked in there and she’s waking up and she’s going to need you to help her get to the therapist.”
John - “You guys, you guys! Katie will do it. Or we can copy or maybe we need copies so Katie can see what we already did and then she can draw a new map for real, like real ones. And we put on it the circles with both houses and the pasture and the woods and also the therapist’s office. Can we put the therapist’s office in the house or does it have to stay on the outside?”
Dr. E - “The therapist’s office is on the outside.”
Molly - “Who is ______?”
Dr. E - “They were our neighbors. They were going to adopt us when I was in kindergarten.”
John - “But, they didn’t. So the little one is only four, almost five. She’s not five.”
Dr. E - “She can be five if she wants.”
John - “No, she can’t. She didn’t get to have her birthday. They died.”
Molly - “Who died? How did they die?’
Dr. E - “That’s not helpful right now, so let’s table it and we can talk about it later, okay?”
Molly - “So, we have a plan for our newsletter and a way to add a map to that and I will go with John to deliver invitations for the next meeting. The only other thing on the list here is that we need to talk about tools.”
John - “Oh, that’s me. The therapist gave me a ladder and a hammer and a screwdriver.”
Molly - “How did she do that? For what?”
John - “For breaking the lock on the little girls’ rooms. I don’t know how she did. She just did. She’s magic, because we’re buddies. She also likes to help me. I can tell her anything. We don’t have to have secrets, except if Taylor is watching.”
Dr. E - “Definitely something to talk to the therapist about, but not something we can talk about right now. Do you need any other tools? Where’s the ladder and the other items that the therapist gave you?”
“She left them in the upstairs hall - outside her room.”
“So, can you go get her out?”
“No yet. But me and the therapist are going to work on that.”
“Does she know that or you think that?”
“Well, I can’t do it by myself.”
Molly - “Is that something I can help with?”
“Can you hold a ladder?”
“If you show me where it is.”
“Okay, I can show you.”
Dr. E - “Not yet, just a minute. Anything else we need for organizing ourselves to try and have meetings?”
John - “Yeah. One thing is we can have a calendar like what you do with the family and we talk about it, because I don’t really know what is happening or which days I can play or when we can get to see the therapist and it’s hard to figure out and I don’t know.”
Dr. E - “That’s a really good idea actually.”
Molly - “I have one that I got for work that I don’t use now. You can share that.”
Dr. E - “Thank you, Molly.”
John - “The only other thing I know right away is that we see the therapist on Monday, which is the day after tomorrow and then we go back home.”
“I work those mornings, but on Friday we fly to Orlando for the DID conference. It’s all paid for and there’s a car waiting for us. I will give you a gift card to use for food each day in the envelopes like we always do. Save the receipts in the envelope like always. You can have the airplane trip, because I know that’s your thing. But let Cassy go play after we get checked in so that she and Sasha will behave while I’m there to learn. I already wrote out a schedule of the rooms I need to be at and what time I’m going to attend and for the times I can skip sessions or in the evenings where you and Cassy could play. Work that out with her, but I can leave the schedule and the new calendar Molly’s giving us to use.”
John - “That’s a good deal. Stinking smart.”
Dr. E - “Let’s stop there for now and see if we can work on some of these things until we see the therapist again and we’ll talk to her about having meeting or what to do next.”
And then there’s a list of things to do with who’s going to do it. So, it says Dr. E’s going to do the calendar. John and the therapist are going to do the rescue mission. Who’s doing what at the conference and who’s sending out the mail about this memo so that everyone gets it? Like I just got it, except I was just sitting here watching the tree. And then it says at the very end, ‘discussion topics for our next meeting, meeting rules, orientation, preferences and needs, collaborations, Christmas lights, rescue mission, moving drawing’s to the notebook, walking.’ And it lists who can work on those things.
So, I thought that I saw the therapist, but maybe I was dreaming. But now I’m just dreaming this tree and thinking about a meeting that I don’t know if it was real or not real. But I read it. And also here’s the notebook with the circles where everyone introduced themselves and answered the interview questions and the things that we need. And so I guess if there’s going to be meetings, I need to learn better who they are. But right now I just feel like I’m the wind and the trees. Or maybe I’m the tree and the wind is in me.
Okay, I don’t know about trees and the wind, except I know it’s blowing. But I can tell you everything, everybody needs to know from therapy, because she’s very, very cool. My buddy. And also I didn’t mean to be scared and I was not a lot scared, but I was a little bit scared, but the therapist was not scared. Not even a little bit scared, but I’m dizzy as a spinner and I’m just...I just can’t drive right now, so I just stopped to take a break. Because I’m very, very busy.
But, our therapist...she is a good buddy to me, because she did not just leave me alone in there. She came inside and just helped me and we went on a rescue mission and we got one of them girls out of there. So, that’s really good and we got her all the way up to the attic and that’s really good, but now I’m tired.
But Molly...my head hurts. Molly is helping her...that girl. Like she’s a mess and...well, I don’t want to talk about it. Molly is helping her clean up and Molly is going to take care of her for a little bit and I’m just going to go for a walk at the park, because I’m a little bit dizzy and it’s very busy and my head hurts.
And I think the therapist gets a badge and Molly gets a badge and I try to give a badge to this girl we got upstairs. I don’t want to say her name for I don’t have permission of it. But, I try to give her give her a badge, because she did a good job to go with the therapist upstairs, but Molly said she will hold it for her, because she’s not ready yet. But she promised not to throw it away and save it for when she is ready.
Well, today was really good therapy and we did a lot and I’m kind of busy and I’m kind of tired and I don’t want to talk about it on the podcast, but I think we’ll go write about it in the notebook for some privacy. For we only talk about it for safe people and I just mean it’s not for talking about. But I can talk about it in the notebook. So, I’ll go write about it in the notebooks and then maybe I can get some lunch, but I’m really kind of busy. Meetings kind of wearing me out. But, I love my therapist so much. She’s my buddy and I’m really glad that we have her because she’s nice and she takes good care of us. And then she said it’s time for you to go, and I can go because I have a choice. I always have a choice. She tells me that and I can’t even think because I’m just kind of tired.
I’m kind of busy. I’m going to go for a walk. I got to walk a lot if I’m going to deliver all this mail to everybody about our meetings, because we’re going to start having meetings. So, I got to walk for a long time for I got to find all these people and make sure they know come to a meeting. So, I will do that, but I’m kind of busy. I’m dizzy, busy. *Yawns*
Also, I really hope we can just go home today. I’m finally ready to just go home. I want to go home and I don’t want to just be safe. Everybody’s going to be safe.
Do you know what else the therapist did? She gave us a heater in the attic. How do you know how to do that, I said. And she said, because we take care of people. That’s what it is. We take good care of people and so if it’s cold up there and there’s snacks up there she said. And I said I like snacks. And she said nobody is hungry and nobody is cold and nobody is alone. What do you think of that? That sounds like a good deal, does it? I’m just thinking about it. I got a lot of thinking to do today. I’m going to go do some thinking work. I’m going to walk and think, like Winnie the Pooh - just walking and thinking. That’s what we got to do.
Also, maybe take a nap and maybe eat some lunch or just take a nap and then walk. Maybe I can walk and then take a nap and then walk some more and then take another nap and then walk some more. I didn’t mean to be scared. My therapist she was not scared, not even a little bit. She said they’re dead. And I keep forgetting they’re dead, but then I remember they’re dead, but I thought what if they’re not? Or what if they’re dead at now time, but if you go into memory time, they’re not dead and what if you see them? What if we get caught? But, she didn’t get caught. What do you think of that?
I don’t even know what we do, but she said I got a job of taking care of this girl and helping her know everybody and it’s even what we can do for her. So, Molly was going to clean her up, but I got to figure out what to do with this. It’s like having a new puppy that don’t talk. I’m not even sure. Also me and her got some stories and I’m a little embarrassed of her seeing me.
I got some thinking to do. I got to walk and think. I’m going to go do that.
*Silence for approximately 10 seconds*
Okay so, I went on a walk and I did some thinking and there’s some more things I got to say. Number one, here’s something I just noticed. I just noticed it and I want everybody to know it. So, I’m going to put it in the newsletter - like the newspaper inside or mail it or something. I got to tell everybody two things. Number one - all of the notebooks we write for a whole year - all those papers. Do you know what? Our therapist still has them. I got to see them today. I did not look in them and it was not too creepy, but I did not look at them a lot, but she has them. And they’re in big notebooks. She put holes in everything, put in the notebooks and everything is still in order. Can you believe that?
For because she cares about us. So, if she cares about our stuff and she cares about our stories and I said why do you care about our stories? And she said because she’d like to get to know us and she liked to hear from us and she wants to help us and knowing our stories does help us. And she’s taking good care of everything. So, I think that’s good evidence everybody needs to know, it’s okay to write in the notebooks and say things in the notebooks, because she’s keeping it safe and she’s keeping it in there and together and that’s called being a good steward. And if you’re a good steward, it’s like being a guard of something and taking care of something and I’m really proud of her. So, I think the therapist is going to get a badge for that.
The other thing that I want to tell you is not only does she take good care of all those papers. When I said hey, we need a map that we drew of the houses and the woods and the pastures and all of this..not only this...when I said I need that, do you know what? She knew...that lady knew right exactly where that was. I mean, she said, I think it’s in this notebook and I’m pretty sure it’s right around here and she flipped some pages and bam, there it was. What do you think of that?
Because that means, not only of a good steward, it means she pays attention and she really knows what I’m talking about. So, if she knows what I’m talking about and I know what she’s talking about, then that’s a good team and we can work together on it.
And also everything is okay. And now I’m going to drive home, but we got to drive home. Well, Cassy and Sasha will help me drive home, but when we get home then we got to see the family because we did not for all those times. So, we got to calm all the way down on the drive and we have lots of driving for take a deep breath and everything is okay on the outside. But, we have to be nice to the family tonight. Because everybody is going to take turns, you guys. And it will be the family turn.
But right now, I want to remember that she take good care of our papers and she pay attention and know where they are because you know who only does that if you’re buddies. And she’s my buddy and we got to do the work, but she’ll make sure I’m not alone and I’m not afraid and nobody is. And now Molly has got that girl all cleaned up and her hair brush out and some clean clothes and I wonder what kind of snacks we got in here.
Because the therapist said we had some snacks in here, but do you know what else? It’s not cold anymore. It’s cold in our car and it’s cold outside, because we don’t got a coat, but it’s not cold in the attic because the attic have a new heater in there and we heard it turn on. And so I know it’s working and now it’s not cold and I don’t know how she did it. Like magic or something. But, it was really good and it’s helping.
And I think everybody is so happy and Molly is singing her a song. Can you hear that? Molly just singing her a song. So, we rescued her. And you know what the therapist said? That it will not happen to us again and we cannot...it’s over. It’s over. And those parents are dead and she’s not going to get hurt no more. That’s what I got to think about when we were walking and then thinking.
But now she’s all cleaned up and I said Molly, how did you get some clothes for her? And she said well, I can sew them. And when I got done thinking and walking and I went to look and she had new clothes that Molly just made them. She sewed them. So now the therapist told her that Molly would stay with her. Molly’s just staying with her and I said, Molly do you need something? And she said not yet, I’m okay. I’m just going to stay here a little while. And she’s just helping that girl and that girl’s not talking. And she’s kind of shaking. I said she probably needs a snack and she doesn’t want to eat and she doesn’t want a badge. And I don’t know how to help, except for take care of them, make sure everything’s okay.
So, we’ll just go home and Molly can take care of it, but we’re a team and I can rescue too. So, I kind of like it when Molly sing to us. I didn’t know she can do that.
*Sings for approximately 2 minutes*
Thank you for joining us with System Speak - a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. You can listen to the Podcast on Spotify, Google Play and iTunes or follow along on our website - www.systemspeak.org. Thanks for listening.