Transcript: Episode 110
110. Nachos
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Well, I'm just having some big feelings. Because we got to see the therapist and, and she's my buddy, and football is going to start pretty soon. But she said I cannot just talk only about football for avoiding time out other things, or let people take a turn. We talk about friends and some friends not wanting to be your friend anymore. And some friends be new friends, but then you have to go home, and you know you don't live there. You just drive have to home for Kansas City. And what if we miss our new friends? Or what they forget about us? Or I know that we cannot come back for some weeks because we do not have gas money for coming back to therapy. But I cannot tell her that because she will say, “We will just wait and see.” But it's really hard waiting. And I just, I just fill up with so much good and, and then we gotta talk about hard things. Or I fill up with so much good and then we had to leave. And that feels, that feels like foster care when you think they are your family and then you have to move, a new foster care. So it feels like a trigger. But also I just saw some big feelings.
And now, now with some of them they want to talk to her. But I know they gonna say hard things and I don’t want to tell her hard things. I just, I just want to talk about football, and making friends, and playing outside.
My, my friend, my new friend, well, my new friend is from March. So my new friend from March is not really a new friend since March is like my whole life. And so, but she made me nachos last night for dinner and they were the best nachos of my whole entire life. And I really wish I had some right now. I would not be hungry if I had some nachos. And it just made me cry. And I don’t want to cry, and I didn’t mean to cry, and I feel silly for crying.
But I just gonna miss everybody. And I have to go home by myself. And all of us, we worked so hard to come here and now we have to work so hard to leave here. And I just cannot doing it for being sad and miss my friends.
I don’t even get nachos at home. I just really like nachos. And they were really good nachos.
And they got a dog. At my friend’s house they have a dog. I don’t have any dogs at my house. Not even one. I’m just gonna go get a dog. I’m gonna find a dog. Cuz I don’t even have one.
I just miss all my friends now. I just made new friends and we almost got to see them every day for a few days, and now we gotta go home. And we live a long way away. And just made me cry. I miss my friends. And their dog dogs. I don’t even have a dog.
Now everybody's just talking and I don’t know it can, I don’t know how. Can everybody settle down?
You know you go to therapy and the lady there at the desk, I’m not say her name for respectful, but you know she's so nice. And she just leaves you with you and tell you funny stories until it was your turn to go back here? And so I need like her. Like if all them, if all them big girls are like our friend at the waiting room write in so, and so they are all out there. And they can be whose in the front, and who is in anything. And I can be the one that says, “Okay, it’s you're turn to come back there.”
And so, and so, except now everyone just try to get back there all at the same time. And everyone just wants to talk and I'm afraid someone's gonna say some bad things. I don’t mean bad things now. See, the therapist said we will not be in trouble for talking about things. But they're gonna talk about Memory Time things. And they're going to talk about hard things. And I don't even want them to. Because, because it's hard. And I just want to talk about football, and eat some nachos, and and we could paint something for feeling happy, and and they can, they can get me a dog.
[Big sniffle] I don’t even want to cry. And they’re gonna make me cry cuz I know they’re thinking of bad things. And those things are, those things are Memory Time. They’re not even Now Time.
And we talked about, we talked about how now the parents are dead. And so she talked to, she talked to that one for the mother. I cannot say her name. They talked to, to her about how, well, because the mother is dead that means a lot of things. It means like you need every day. Like you go to your friend's house and nachos and play with their dog. And there's no more chicken wires, and there's no more locking up. And, and you will eat when you're hungry. Because a mother is, the mother's not gonna get you in trouble cuz she's dead. And she's, she's not coming back.
Except if I feel good and I feel safe because I'm with my friends. But then I have to leave all my friends. What if I'm not safe anymore when I get home and I’m just all by myself, and I can't remember Now Time or Memory Time. What if I’m not good enough for doing it by myself?
I just, I just don’t, I just don’t even have a dog.
And I really like my new friends. I like my new friend a lot. And I’m just sad because I miss my friends. And I don’t know if I ever get to see them again. [Crying] And it just made me cry a little bit. But we were late because we can't find the notebook because we packed it in the wrong place. And so we lose our time and talked to her for some of it. And she, she let us talk to her. But I can't tell her I’m sad of it cuz cuz I just, just miss everybody already. But I, I can't be rude of it because it was so nice them take so good care of me. And they take so good care all of us. It does not matter who is doing what. They're just nice to us. And they make Now Time is safe. And they made me nachos.
I really like nachos. And we try for a lot of days. We try really hard for doing some hard things, for seeing where the father is buried, and seeing where the mother is dead. And we go to these places, and we see our old house, and all this good. So I'm crying because it's good that we are safe now. But also at the same time, it made me feel so sad. And I didn't mean to feel sad. And now we just have big feelings of sadness, and I don't even have a dog. [Big sniffle]
And if those parents are dead, then they're not ever gonna learn how to be good parents. They just are gonna be dead bad parents. Who didn’t even give me a dog. [Sniffle]
What if you're just waiting, and you're trying to be really good. And you wait for your parents to be nice to you, or learn how to love you, or if you can be good enough. And then they're just dead and will never learn how to do it. So then it's just bad parents who were not parents, and then they’re no parents. Then you're just alone. Because you have to leave.
And all your friends have to stay. And you don’t get a dog. And you don’t get nachos. And your parents are dead. That's just not even fun.
And football doesn’t even start this week. I thought it start this week. But we don’t even play until next week.
So I’m just not having a very good day. You know, I really like to have good days. I don’t even have a dog or any nachos. I just wanted some nachos. They were really good nachos. Those were the-. [Crying] Those were the best nachos I ever had in my whole life. If you have a friend who makes you nachos, that's a really good friend. And I miss my friend.
I gotta see my friends some days in a row. And now I do not get to see my friend at all. And it just gives me big feelings. And my big feelings are just made me cry of it.
And now everybody's talking and everybody's working together. So I have my big feelings, and I feel her big feelings, and I feel her big feelings, and that’s a whole lot of big feelings. And I don’t even have a dog. I don’t even have a dog for telling them about my feelings.
Oh, I got our kids. I got outside kids and they're just gonna eat my nachos. They're not even nice as a dog. A dog at least is your friend.
And sometimes when everybody's inside is just talking and we're working together and I’m trying to tell everybody what's going on. And then I just know about some things. And that's why I got to watch who is going where, and where are we doing, and what do they know about it? And where are we going to tell the therapist or not? And I want to tell her things. But even if I know Now Time is hard it's, it's still really, it's still really hard to tell her things. And I don’t want, I don’t, I don’t want complain about nothing cuz I really want keep my therapist. I really, I really need to keep her. [Sniffle]
I bet she likes nachos. I don’t want my friend to forget about me. And I don’t want to forget how to have friends, or any more friends just leaving me. And I don't, I don't, I don’t. I don’t even have a dog.
I cannot go to the park because, because the park at home, there's, there's storming. And the park here is hot and we gotta drive home. And I can't even stop and get nachos. There’s, I don't even have a dog in my car. But my friend has a dog. I really like her dog. Her dog is, her dog is really nice. He's a big dog. A real dog. Not one of them little fake dogs. Little puny things. And we got to be out on farms, and I like being on the farms, and I like being out at the land. But now we just got to go back where we live. Because we do not live here.
And I don't want to talk about hard things. I just want to talk about nachos. And I want to talk about football. I mean talk about eating nachos and watching football. We can do both things at one time. That's more fun than crying. If I just find a dog. If I find a dog then I can have a dog and watch football and eat some nachos.
If you, in you are very very brave, and you do a really good job try to make friends, then it's very hard when you tell them you have to go back home. And it's very hard tell them goodbye and it's very hard say “leave everybody.” Just like foster care. You always have to leave everybody. And if you leave them, they just send you back and then you get hurt again. So I don’t like leaving for I don’t want to get hurt. But I know that Now Time is safe. And I know that they are dead. But I still don’t like leaving.
I'm, I'm good at making friends. And I'm, I'm good at laughing with my friends, and watching football with my friends, and eating nachos with my friends, and if my friends have a dog. But I'm not liking leaving my friend. Is not feeling so good.
Talking about hard things is not feel so good.
If I can't come back to therapy for a week, or a lot of weeks, then I don't, I don’t know how to get those hard things out there. So I don’t want to, I don’t want to know about them and just get them all stuck there, and now they're in my way. And I don’t even have a dog to help me. And so I just have to feel bad until I see them. Except I cannot, because it's too hard. Talking about hard things. That's a hard thing to do, talking about hard things. Especially if you don't have a dog. You can tell nobody nothing.
Some things I'm even trying to tell you, some things I'm trying to say and tell you, I can't even say the right words. Is so many people are trying to talk and say things. And then I'm watching it, but I can't, I can't fix it. I can't say. But I know Now Time is safe. And I know we'll see the therapist because the therapist has promised. And I know that we can say buddies. And I know that I will see my friends but not today. And so just on today, I just miss my friend.
And I just think about my friends. And I think about those nachos. I think about that dog. And I just cry a little bit for I miss him.
I don’t like leaving. I don’t like getting taken away. I don’t want to go in foster care. But Now Time is safe. We don’t got to go in foster care. That’s what the therapist said. We just got go home.
At home we got kids out of foster care. So we try to help, but they just eat my nachos. I don't, I didn't say you can get out of foster care and come me my nachos. I just really like nachos.
I just need to go for a walk, of paint, or what can we do for feeling better. I know we got to do those things. But it's hard to do when you drive home and leave all your friends. And you don't even, you don't even get to stay with your friends. It's a hard day. Cuz I miss my friends.
And I don't even have a dog. So I just have big feeling. And I just need to say my big feelings. I miss my friends.
And I’m gonna go find me a dog.
[Break]
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