Transcript: Episode 66
66. Pep Talks
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Background noise of the Skype jingle]
***Interview begins***
Interviewer: Bold Font
Interviewee: Standard Font
Hi, bestie.
Hello.
Oh, what a day. We’ve had craziness.
I am so frustrated, because even while I was waiting to talk to you, I tried to record again, and I have lost the same podcast three times. It has not worked. I think that whatever it is that I’m trying to express is just not ready to come out, because the Universe is working against it.
[Laughing] It’s called frustration and technological irritation. [Laughing]
I lost the same podcast three times.
Oh my golly. It’s okay. We will survive. So, listen to this. I paid all this money to get new tires put on my minivan, because you know, lots of kids.
Right.
And you know the struggle is real. But I love me a minivan. Anyway -- driving because, you know, children had a little emergency in the form of a little bug. So, I’m driving to the pharmacy to get, you know, the stuff. [Laughing] And I pull in and here it is after I got off the phone with you. It’s like it’s catching. So, I pull into the parking lot and I look at my tire - huge bolt in a brand new tire.
[Gasp] Oh, no!
I’m like, “Really? Really? I have softball practice tonight. This is not convenient. This is not conducive to my madness.” [Laughing]
That is the kind of day I’ve had.
Yes. Tell me about your day. How is our boy - our healing boy?
Oh. He is recovering. Okay so, surgery was 14 hours. It was supposed to be four hours. He had a rapid response in the middle of it, because his heart almost stopped. It did not stop. They did not have to do CPR, and he did pull through. So, he’s doing better now, but his heart rate is still too low, even though he’s not on any pain medication. So, he’s also hurting, because they can’t manage that. And I am obviously exhausted, because I can’t even record my own podcast. That’s why it keeps going wrong, I think.
And we were up all night, because The Husband stayed with him at the hospital. So, I came home with the other children, but we have to do the G-Tube and oxygen for our daughter. And my youngest son with autism was not sleeping at all - not even for a couple of hours. Usually he’ll sleep for three or four, maybe two hours - nothing last night. And so I’ve got nothing left.
Mine didn’t sleep well last night either. But what amazes me is that they can keep going.
I know. I don’t know how they do that.
So, I’m sorry. I had to be a mom for a minute.
No, it’s okay. I’m interrupting your afternoon.
You’re not interrupting. They’re just being high-maintenance. It’s like your children know when you’re doing something.
They do!
And so when they know you’re doing something, they want to be more around you.
Why is that?
It’s like, “Oh, don’t share the attention. It’s all about me.”
Uh. I don’t want any more attention right now. I’m so overstimulated from the hospital. I’m exhausted from the hospital, and from not sleeping, and then there’s two layers in the background happening. One, the ripples in the water from therapy where things are shifting and impacting People and People know what they shouldn’t know, and Emma wants to know everything, except not. And that’s overwhelming me. And then there’s the layer of the church wants to help us, and the school wants to help us, and people from the hospital want to help us. And everyone wants to check in and see what we need. And I’m like, “Everybody needs to back off. Don’t talk to me. Don’t touch me. Don’t hug me. Stop.” [Laughing] I am so, I am so… .
You’re feeling overwhelmed.
Oh my goodness.
And that’s okay.
We have not even done any therapy homework, like none. Not the chapter for this week, not -- we are past avoidance. Now we’re avoiding avoidance. [Laughing]
[Laughing]
We are so maladaptive right now. Uh. We haven’t even -- we turned in our therapy notebook on Monday at therapy, and then picked up the rest of the family to get through pre-op appointments. And then surgery happened. We haven’t even gotten to unpack the next notebook to even start writing. We have done nothing for therapy this week, except survive.
Okay so -- but listen. What you have done is growth in other ways.
Uh.
Okay, so although we have not been successful in the therapy notebook thing, we have been successful in growing in what we are doing.
Uh.
So, and, sometimes life gets in the way, and you’ve had a lot on your plate the last two weeks - a ton. So, forgive yourself that, and realize that everybody takes a break, and it’s okay that you took a week off. It’s okay that you take two weeks off. The fact of the matter is that you still went to see your therapist, and you are still working on things. You haven’t quit your plan. You’re just minimizing the plan to fit your schedule for right now.
We did send updates about the surgery to the therapist.
Uh huh.
Not because she needs them, but I think just to stay grounded to keep going, because we can’t fall apart this week. This is not a week where it’s okay to fall apart.
Right.
But it’s not like a conversation. She doesn’t reply to that.
But it’s okay, because you’re like me. You go to talk it out to work it out in your head.
Uh.
To bounce it off. So, that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. Listen, you had a challenge yesterday. You all met the challenge as a team. You were strong. You were brave and you had courage.
I think the rapid response freaked us out because of our daughter, and we were not expecting it with him. And so the whole family, in palliative care meetings, we have this whole thing about medical PTSD and how we have to talk about it as a family, because we’ve been through so much with our daughter. And so when it happened with him yesterday, we were like, “What?” Like not expecting that at all and thought we were so prepared.
The pediatrician kept saying, “It’s not her. He has an airway. Everything is going to be fine.” And then it was just too much.
But listen, you can’t plan for everything. Right? And divine intervention had their hand on that. So, you don’t have to worry about that, because we’re not in that space anymore. And it worked out. And everything that needed to happen happened. And we’re out of those woods. We’re on a different journey now. We’re on the healing and recuperation journey.
So, when you say we’re not in that space anymore, that makes me have a question. Can I ask you a question?
Of course you can ask me a question.
Okay, so you know now time and memory time?
Right.
Can memory time just be like yesterday? [Laughing]
Yes! Yes. Memory time is yesterday.
It doesn’t have to be twenty years ago? It can just be yesterday.
Yes.
Oh my goodness.
Okay, because yesterday is the past and today is the present, which is a gift. Remember? Today is a gift. That’s what makes it the present.
Oh, you’re so clever.
So, you are good, because yesterday was a memory. It’s a past, but we overcame it and we’re onto the next hill.
But I called you and I called Donna, because I’m trying to have friends.
Well, that and we love you so much.
It’s terrifying. I don’t like it. [Laughing]
Well, I don’t know what to tell you there, sister, other than you can try to push me away, but you’re really going to have to work a whole lot harder.
I don’t mean to push you away and I don’t mean to --
But, I’m just saying you haven’t pushed me away yet. I don’t want to go anywhere. You haven’t said anything that is like, “Oh, I don’t want to be her friend anymore or their friend.” None of that has happened.
Uh, you sound just like the therapist. I don’t mean to push you away and I don’t mean to be a bad friend to anybody, but --
You’re just navigating it. That’s all.
I don’t understand why it’s so hard.
It’s hard, because you’ve never had somebody that was truly a friend to you, through thick and thin, come hell or high water.
I feel like you’ve told me this before.
I did - earlier today.
[Laughing] Oh, Julie. I can’t even. [Laughing]
[Laughing] But, it’s okay, because I love you, and I’m going to tell you over and over again. Because in that -- remember we had a whole conversation in this about how i was your very best friend, that I could be everybody else’s in the systems friend, and I was your very best friend, because you’re the awesomest, the coolest, the funniest, the sassiest. Remember?
How do you tell the difference between what is a good friend and what is just stupid and dangerous?
My creep meter. My shady meter. My intuition. I listen to my gut. Or [laughing] there’s always -- when mine isn’t working, Hammer’s is.
[Laughing]
He will send off alerts. Okay? Or he will shut it down. Or he will turn a conversation that is not okay, like uncomfortable, or that is making my creep meter go off, he will shut it down and make it a really short conversation. [Laughing] He’s really good at that.
But when you’re really good at that, how do you --
I’m not really good at it. Hammer’s really good at it.
But when he’s really good at it, how do you not shut it down when it’s okay and safe? That’s where I’m stuck. I know how to shut it down. I don’t know how to stay with it, when it’s right and good.
The challenge is is that the longer that you stay with it, the easier it is. It’s when the red lights are going off and they are glaring that you need to move out of the way of the bus.
I don’t want to get hit by a bus.
Exactly. And neither do I.
[Laughing]
And also, intuition is also about life experience. Right? So, if your life experience has been that you’ve tried to have friendships and they have taken advantage of it or abused it or manipulated it or made it feel dirty, then that’s all you have as a point of reference. So, it’s hard when you’re coming from that kind of background, not saying you specifically, but in general. When you’re coming from that kind of background to kind of let your guard down. Right? That comes with trust. That comes with time. And that comes with comfort.
I feel like this is part of what’s happening because of therapy. We’re learning to do that with the therapist, and now it’s happening in real life. And it happening with the therapist kind of doesn’t freak me out anymore. I almost believe her. [Laughing] I mean, I do believe her. I mean, almost.
Well, you believe her but you’re at your spot where you’re like, “Okay, I believe you but I’m going to give you enough room to hang yourself.”
For like in real life?
Yeah.
Well --
Well, not like literally, but like metaphysically.
Well, and because I believe her and am believing her and we’re starting to try that out, it’s starting to happen in real life, like you, or Donna, or whoever. And so it’s really scary, because you know what it is? It’s like we can’t just go back and hide anymore, because we’re already out there.
Right. Your escape door is gone.
Yes! That’s it. That’s it. You’ve figured it out.
Oh, I’ve known it.
Uh. I don’t even like you.
No, you love me. You’re right.
Why do I say that? That’s a terrible thing. You would never, even in a joke, say that to me. The Husband or the therapist would never, even in a joke, say that to me. Why do I say it to you?
I haven’t said that to you, because I love you and you’re like, “Why do you love me?”
I don’t want to be an abusive friend to you, Julie. I’m sorry.
You’re not an abusive friend to me. Although I will say it’s really hard when I’m worried about you, and I can’t check on you. When I know that you’re facing -- like okay, yesterday. I knew you all needed to shut down and focus on getting through. So, Julie sent her positive affirmation cheerleader, and then I stay quiet. And then eight hours goes by. [Laughing] Nine hours goes by. And I’m like, “Uh, something’s going on, because I haven’t heard a word.” All silent. And I’m like, “I need to check in with my friend, because I don’t want my friends to take on more than they can handle and I want them to know that they have a place to come and vent.”
It was really bad, Julie.
I know. It was scary. It was really scary. I bet it was very high anxiety. I bet it was really hard stress. But you know what? You did it. You did it. As a team, you guys did it. And you did it well.
I don’t know how to ask for help when things are hard.
I know. That’s why sometimes you say, “Oh, well, you’re kind of smothering.” No, it’s not that intent. It’s because I know you don’t know how to ask for help. So, I make sure I make it available. So, when you looked -- I’m sure when you looked this afternoon, you were like, “Oh, she told me she was available and to call her if I need her. Okay.”
I don’t know how to do that.
I know. And you’re not real good at answering the phone, to be honest. So, [laughing]... .
[Laughing] No.
But that’s okay. We’re working on that. It’s a growth thing.
Well, I -
Well, and here’s the other thing. Okay? Here’s the other thing. If you’ve never had that person that was there in that capacity to do that for you, then you’re not used to that resource. So, you’re not automatically going to go for it. Or you’re going to think that you’re a burden when that’s not the case, because that’s what real friends do.
Yeah, it pretty much feels like a black hole, like a very dangerous void.
Right. Well, and I saw a quote the other day. I wonder if I saved it. It was like, “It’s hard to love people, because if you love them too much, you’re giving them the power to destroy you.”
Uh.
Which sounds really vile and horrible, but if you think about it, you love The Husband. Right?
Most days. No, I’m kidding. Yes.
Most days. Right? I love mine most days. I like him. Okay, no. I love him every day. I like him most days.
Yeah, The Husband’s amazing. It’s true.
Right. And mine is amazing too. And if we’re going to be honest, I like him 99% of the time. I love him 100% of the time. And then there’s that 1% of the time that living with somebody 24/7 gets on your nerves. And I’m sure he feels the same way. So, [laughing]... .
I don’t know how he lives with us. Oh my goodness.
Hunny, my husband should be put in for sainthood. I’m just saying.
Yeah.
Because he’s fresh up there with all that. But, okay, where is that post. I’m pulling it, because I want to read it to you exactly. Okay. “Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to.” That’s what it is. So, you tell The Husband -- like The Husband has all of your good bits. Right? My husband has some good tidbits on me, I’m sure. But because I love him, I can trust him to hold them. Right? Same with friendship. A true friend, not a friend that makes your creep meter go off or your shady meter or is a friend of the moment or a friend of circumstance, but a friend, who you talk to regularly, who knows the dynamic, knows the background. You know? That you don’t feel like you have to keep secrets from. That is a friend.
I feel like you’re speaking some truth, Julie.
I am and you’re going to have to play it on rewind, because I feel like you’re trying to wrap your mind around it.
Yeah, it really kind of hurts my brain. [Laughing]
[Laughing]
I’ll have to listen to that little speech again. I feel like it is very parallel to pretty much every therapy session for the last year.
[Laughing] What I think is absolutely hysterical is that everything she’s saying, I’m saying too, but I don’t know what she’s saying, but she may know what I’m saying if she’s listening to the podcast. [Laughing]
She knows about the podcast and she’s listened to a few of them, but I don’t know that she’s actively listening or has listened to all of them. I don’t think so.
Well, ours are really exciting. So, if she’s listening to us, hi, therapist. I appreciate your work.
Oh my goodness. Don’t. I’ll be so embarrassed.
Don’t be embarrassed. She’ll probably get a good laugh out of it. I’m her crazy friend, Julie. [Laughing]
[Laughing]
So, it’s okay. We’re breathing. So, yesterday is a memory, because it’s in the past. Today is a gift, because it is the present.
Oh my goodness. Don’t even. That’s -- no. [Laughing] That’s too cheesy.
I know, but I’m just saying. It will help you remember.
Hey! You know what? Can I tell you something?
You can tell me anything your little heart desires.
There is some big, nerdy music festival that I don’t even know anything about, except that that’s what it is. Anyway, The Husband is a finalist for it.
[Gasp] Oh, that is so exciting!
Right?
Oh, you must be so proud of him.
There were 200 musicals that applied for it, and there are 20 finalists for eight spots, and he’s one of them.
Oh my goodness. That is fantastic.
It’s the National Music Theatre something, something, something. NAMFTER? NAMFTER? I don’t know. [Laughing]
Congratulations, Husband! I know your name, but we don’t say it on the podcast. So, congratulations, you wonderful musician, you!
He’s so super excited. And I’m so proud of him. And he really needed something good to happen to him. [Laughing]
[Laughing] He did have something good happen to him. He met you and got married.
Aww. That’s totally what he would say. How do you know what everyone would say? That’s so creepy. Wait. Are you real or did I make you up?
I’ve sent you enough stuff in the mail that I think you know I’m real. And we FaceTime about once a week. I think we’ve confirmed I’m real.
And you’re coming to see me.
And I’m coming to see you, because I love you.
[Laughing] We need to take our kids up to where you live and take them to Washington.
Look, I’ve got plans for every day. We need to take them to Washington. We need to take them to Williamsburg. We need to take them to Jamestown. We need to take them to the beach.
I think you may have overestimated my children. [Laughing]
Oh, I have not, because Miss Julie will be there to help facilitate the awesomeness.
You know what we should do?
What?
If we drive out there, we would have our van. And then what we should do is let The Husband stay at the hotel and he can do his writing stuff, and you and I can take the kids out. And then he will be thinking it is a good idea. [Laughing] We should go. [Laughing]
Yes! I’m telling you. We can do it. We can do it. Because if you have a van, and I have a van, because I think yours holds six. Right?
Six seats plus the two front seats.
Right. Okay, and mine holds five, because I don’t have a middle seat like you have. So, between that and that, we could do -- ooh, we could do a boys car and a girls car.
Ooh.
Woo hoo. We can stick the husbands one day with all the boys and we can take all the girls. [Laughing]
Oh, wow.
That’s a good idea.
I think we should -- we have to do that after Africa though.
Yeah.
Because Africa’s happening fast.
I know. I’m actually -- now that I know the idiosyncrasies of what you’re doing for Africa, I’m excited for you.
Oh, yeah. It’s turned into a big deal. We found -- so, our oldest daughter, who’s also -- I mean, they’re all adopted from foster care. But she has brown skin and very, very, very black hair, and her mother who is white, her father is black -- but her mother who is white, told her she was white. And it is not at all true. Bless her little heart. She’s gorgeous, but she is not a white girl. And so we had to work really hard to teach her this and finally, when she was about five, she was like, “Someone needs to tell my other mom”, like her biological mom, “that I’m not white.” [Laughing]
So, she finally, finally got it. And she’s also deaf. So, language to explain things is much more difficult and to get concepts in you have to work differently to present that. And so we’ve done a lot of what we could as white parents to expose her to things and to take her to museums and history and to cultural events and music and all of the things that we can. And she’s also the only child that we have who does not have regular visits with her biological family. The other kids, we meet with their biological parents quarterly, if they’re sober and safe and have a visit, because attachment matters.
Right, it does.
And so --
And I’m super proud of you, because sometimes that can be really hard. And you all do it really gracefully and selflessly.
That’s very kind. It is really important to them and it is really hard for us. It’s true. But it’s that important to them and so we do it. Even our son who had surgery this week, we called his mother. We let his mother talk to him after surgery so she would know he was okay. We try really hard. But my oldest daughter, none of her family ever shows up. They’re still invited and we tell them, but she has not seen any biological family in four years.
You know what? My oldest daughter -- I’m sorry. I don’t mean to cut you off. My oldest daughter has the same situation with her biological father. And it got to be heart wrenching for me, to watch her wait at the front door, for her to come.
Yes. Yes.
And he’d never show up.
Exactly.
And I felt -- at a point, I felt like it got to a point where it was more torture and grief than it was worth. So, what I stopped doing was I stopped telling her that he was coming. I would still invite him, but if he didn’t show up, then she didn’t know, and she couldn’t feel the heartbreak.
Right. And that’s what we would do, except that she knows all the other parents are there.
Oh, yeah.
Because of the other kids. And so we don’t -- and so, anyway. That’s part of why it’s --
[Cross talk inaudible]
Yeah. That’s part of why it’s been so heartbreaking. And so how do you deal with that and how do we help her? And we do other special things with her and make sure she gets support in other ways. And she goes to a different school, because she goes to the deaf school. So, she has special activities on her own and extra privileges that way and all of this. But it’s not the same. And so there’s this big gap between -- even though she loves our family, and even though her adoption is finalized, and all of those things are good. There’s still no connection to her biological way in anything that’s positive.
Right.
And so we did her DNA, and we identified -- they were able to identify her actual specific tribe in Africa.
That’s awesome.
And through a friend of a friend of a friend, we know the king of that tribe.
Oh, wow!
And so we are taking her there to meet them. And the tribe has this whole presentation prepared where they are going to sing and dance around her and welcome her home to Africa and crown her as a princess from her descendants.
Aww.
And this whole very involved thing, and we’re going to live out there for two weeks with -- like in the wooden huts and on the ground and no toilets and everything.
That is so your groove. [Laughing]
She is so excited. She is so excited. She doesn't know that they have this whole cultural celebration ready for her - that they’re going to sing and dance and welcome her home. They were so -- just because of who had already done their DNA and the records they have, they were not just able to identify her tribe, they know when that tribe was kidnapped by what other tribe and who sold them into what slavery and what port her ancestors came to America through.
That is phenomenal.
It was amazing. And so they really -- these are her people. And so as these people have come back to Africa, there’s now this whole ritual they do for them. And so she gets to go through that, and they’re going to sing and dance around her and welcome her home.
That is fantastic. See, that’s good things.
Yeah.
And listen, even if -- okay, so this isn’t going to come out right, but hopefully the message comes out right. It doesn't matter that she is adopted. What matters is that she was born of your heart.
It’s so true.
She’s still yours.
Oh, well, and I just want her to be hers. And I want her to be connected to who she is. And so we’re also -- the other thing we’re doing is going to a deaf school there.
Mmhmm.
And letting her see a deaf school in Africa.
Oh, that is fantastic. I bet that’s going to be very interesting. But in Africa, they’re not doing ASL, are they?
Well, some of them are. But here’s why. It’s because the tribes -- there’s not enough deaf schools, and so the tribes have to send their deaf children to one central place. And so right now, they’re using ASL only to unify, to give them language. Because they don’t have any language.
Oh wow.
But this particular country where we’re going is currently developing, finally, on their own, their own language. And so as that gets established, they’ll transfer to that, because it’s really important. Every country has its own sign language. It’s not a universal thing. And --
Yeah, because I’m trying to get my sign language better for you.
Aww. Well, it’s really important that that culture and that country gets to use their own language as a people. So, they’re working on developing it and they’ll incorporate that in the schools as they figure it out.
That is phenomenal. And you’re taking supplies too. Which I think is so generous.
Oh. Yeah, we sent stuff. We mailed it.
It’s phenomenal. That’s wonderful. That’s probably such a gift to give to them.
I hope. I don’t know.
I’m sure.
That’s so funny.
There’s no doubt. If my local elementary school teachers can get super happy when I roll in there with stacks and stacks of book bags every year for kids who can’t afford them, then I’m sure you sending school supplies to a school in another country, that is probably underprivileged, is a huge thing too.
That’s so funny. I didn’t know we were going to talk about this today. [Laughing]
Well, I mean, it came up. I don’t know how we got there. But oh well, we talk about everything.
Yes.
We’re flippy like that.
Yes.
[Laughing]
Yay children.
We’re maladaptive like that. [Laughing]
[Laughing] Oh my goodness. They’re coming home from school. So, I have to hang up.
Okay well, I love you much. And I’ll be home -- wait. You saw the message. You know when I’ll be home.
Thank you.
So, if we need to continue then because you forgot to hit the record button…. [Laughing]
[Laughing] It wasn’t just that. Something weird happened. It was some kind of interference. I don’t know what happened.
Look, we can only have one non-tech savvy friend in this relationship, and that has to be me.
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
Well, I’m glad it’s fixed now and you were very patient. Thank you. And you are kind to me and I appreciate that.
I’m always kind to you.
I know. It’s so weird.
I know.
Not you.
But you’ll learn to appreciate it.
I don’t mean you are weird. I want to be respectful. I’m working on being more respectful, Julie. [Laughing]
Because you don’t want letters from my fan club going, “Julie is not creepy.”
You got a letter. You got two fan mail things. I read them and recorded them already.
Oh, did you!? [Laughing]
[Laughing]
Were they nice?
They were nice. Everybody loves you.
Oh, I love them too. Shout out to my people!
I’ll send you screenshots.
Oh, yes. Send me screenshots. I need a good smile, because I’m going to softball and it’s been a rough week.
I’m sorry.
[Laughing] At the last game, they were all having a fit and saying ugly things. And my dad was there and he was like, “Listen here, she doesn’t make the rules. She just enforces them.” [Laughing]
[Laughing] Yay, dad.
[Crosstalking inaudible]
I was like, “Go, dad.”
That’s so funny.
I was like, “Thanks for coming to my defense, dude. I appreciate you.” So, but I love you so much. And you are so, so strong. And y’all are so brave. And y’all are so smart. And you have made it through this day gracefully. And tomorrow will be the same.
Because now time is safe.
That’s right, because now time is safe and now you have the power.
Okay.
And if you need me for the pep talk, you know where to find me.
This was a good pep talk. Thank you.
Yes, but listeners, please be advised, she will not relisten to this because she does not listen to the podcast. [Laughing]
[Laughing]
If it’s not written out in [inaudible], she will not know.
Oh my goodness.
I’m going to give you a hard time about that until you start listening to them.
Uh.
And then, just to make sure that you’re listening, I’m going to quiz you. [Laughing]
Oh, no.
That way you hear me. “I’m listening to them.” “Oh, really?” “Well, what happened in Donkey Kick? Hmm?”
Donkey Kick?
Yeah.
I don’t even know what donkey kick means.
Um, that’s what John Mark’s going to do to bad people.
What?!
See. See, folx. This is proof that she does not listen to her own podcast.
[Laughing] What are you talking about donkey kick?
John Mark, with one of the Littles, did a podcast.
What?
And he shared about what he’s learning in therapy right now, which is hard stuff. Right?
Oh, yeah.
And --
Therapy has been brutal. It’s been awful.
I know, but he is so brave and I am so proud of him and he is so right. So, he was talking about how he was going to handle that. And his thought process was kind of like, you know, we’ll just donkey kick them.
[Laughing]
And I agree with that whole heartedly.
[Laughing] Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Okay, I have to go. Good luck on your game.
Thanks, lady!
Bye.
Bye.
***Interview Ends***
I also have some mail to read. So, I’m really grateful for everyone’s emails. Thank you for your support.
Claira from the Cambreya System says, “Hi everyone, and especially Sasha. I’ve been trying to catch up and I’m on the episode where you’re on the phone with your friend, Julie, who’s blanket experience really eerily mirrors ours. And you got a hater. Aw, heck no!” Thank you, Cecil for not swearing at us. That’s funny that he helped filter your potty mouth. She says, “Anyway, I wanted to tell you again that you’re so rad and finding your podcast has been so, so enlightening for many of us. So, multiple or not, there’s no excuse for being” -- Oh, and then she totally defends us against the hate email we got. And so, thank you. That’s very kind. It was really supportive. She says, “We’ll be listening for as long as you’re making these. Which we hope is a long, long time. So, I’m running off at the mouth which maybe is maladaptive, but I better go. I’m supposed to be working.” Thank you Claira.
Janet says, “Thank you for being you. I have listened to all of the podcast sessions, and really appreciate your honesty and authenticity. I have the diagnosis of DID and attended the conference in Florida several times. I grew up in Kansas, and have lived in Oklahoma.” Yay. She says, “You’re fortunate to have Julie as your friend.” Uh. She’s going to go crazy when they hear that. I did not need that. You’re supposed to be on my side, guys. [Laughing] “It is awesome that your husband is so supportive of you and loves you. You have endured a lot with tending to your outside family while going through cancer and therapy. I admire you and hope that the podcast feels as good to you as it is helpful to us listeners. I hope it does not snow anymore this season, so you continue therapy without weather interruptions.” Aw, thank you. Oh, and then she sent me some art stuff. Thank you for sharing. Aw, thank you, Janet, for sharing your information and your website and about some of your art and some of the work that you do. I’m so grateful for your encouragement.
Alex says, “Hey. Just listened to your episode right before the conference started. I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely get what you mean when you’re talking about losing your vision as well as your hearing. We have underdeveloped ears that cause balance and hearing issues and chronic” -- oh, I can’t say that word. “And blonde retina that causes vision issues from trauma. So, big mood. For some reason, we’ve dealt with it by just saying it would be peace and quiet, but then we realize that we would just fall over all the time.” Oh, that’s so true. I’m so grateful there are others who understand about the hearing issues and the vision things. It’s true. Your balance is in your ears and so when you have ear problems, you also have balance problems. And it’s totally hard sometimes, and so frustrating. Thank you for sharing about how you understand. I really appreciate your encouragement. Thank you, Alex.
Mel says, “Thank you so much for your podcast. It has helped me immeasurably. My partner has DID, but she won’t really explain any of it to me. She’s not ready to share and I totally accept that, but I want to understand so badly. Parts of your story seem similar to hers or theirs. So, I was wondering if I could ask a question. It sounds like Emma’s life was functioning pretty smoothly until the death of her parents. At that time, was it Dr. E going to work? If so, did Emma not have memories of going to work each day and just accept it? I’m trying to conceptualize how maybe our lives were functioning before we discovered the DID. She is truly amazing to have dealt with so much for so long. Thank you again for the information that you’ve already provided.”
Oh, that’s wonderful, Mel, that you’re being supportive of your partner with DID. I can’t imagine how hard that is and I’m so grateful for people like you out there who are making an effort to be kind and compassionate and supportive of your partners with DID. As far as your question, Dr. E has always been the one to work. She came when we started going to Kindergarten. She has always done school and work and so all the way up through college and grad school, that was her. And all the way from the beginning of her career to now, that’s still Dr. E who does the work specifically. And so it’s always been her. How Emma explained that to herself or accounted for that lost time or what she understood about it, I don’t know. Part of it is that we were diagnosed in undergrad and so at that time, we were in therapy for three years before Dr. E found out about it. But then she worked really hard to explain why we were not DID, but that kind of fell apart, and so she finally accepted the diagnosis. But then we were out of therapy for a long time. And so coming back to therapy now, Emma is newer since that time. And so I don’t know if there was just, at some level, an understanding that Dr. E was already there and that’s just what she did. Even though she didn’t know about the DID or how that works. I can’t answer for her. So, I’m not sure what to say.
But what I can tell you is that I think it’s a really good question, and so I could write it in the notebook, and see if either of them will address that directly or talk about it for their own perspectives. For me, I have just always known and so part of what I have to do sometimes, is sort of blend things together externally, so that we present more consistently or to make sure that I can feed information to someone who needs to have it a little bit, if they can -- if they get stuck or we need to cover ourselves a little bit, to give some kind of consistent presentation. DID can be a very covert thing, and mostly it is very covert. There are few, few DID cases that are very overt. And so, I think it’s just part of what DID is like as far as the experience of it. But I can see if they answer your questions more directly. It was a good one.
[Break]
So this is from someone who just signed their name as “O”, which is totally fine. But they said, “I was diagnosed with DID three years ago after having been in the health system for 26 years.” Oh my goodness. “I just wanted to thank you, Molly, for your beautiful podcast of your journey with God. My husband and I were in ministry for 30 years.” Oh. And then she tells about that. “I’ve been praying for you and your sweet family. Thank you for your courage and faithfulness.” That’s so sweet. That’s so kind. I will cut that out and leave it in the notebook so that Molly sees it. Thank you.
And then I also have a package from Meghan, and I told her I would call when I open it.
**Interview Begins***
Interviewer: Bold Font
Interviewee: Standard Font
[Background noise of Face Time jingle]
Hello?
Meghan?
Yes!
Oh, now I can hear you. Hello.
Hi. How are you?
I’m okay.
I would love to. I would love to [inaudible].
[Background noise of Emma opening the package]
How is your son?
That was so kind of you.
Aww.
Oh my goodness. You decorated a notebook.
[Laughing]
How did you do that?
With some cardstock paper that my grandmother had given me a couple years ago. And I found it and I just thought oh, that’s so pretty.
That’s so fancy.
[Laughing]
That was very nice. And then this is painted to match.
Yeah! [Laughing]
It’s very -- I don’t know the word. Ethereal. I feel like I’m looking at the night sky with some galaxy rainbows.
Yeah. That’s what Kiki likes to paint. She likes to paint the night sky and stuff.
That’s so sweet.
[Background noise of Emma opening up more of the package]
Oh wow, look at these prints. You painted so much.
[Laughing] Well, that’s what we’re doing when we’re sitting and listening to your podcast sometimes. We like to write your names or we like to practice our hand lettering. So, we started doing the names.
Oh my goodness. “Ride a unicorn. Swim with mermaids. Chase a rainbow.”
[Laughing]
That’s so kind. You made all these cards with our names on it.
Mmhmm. For some of them, they wanted to share their favorite colors. So.... .
Aw. I’m going to have to take a picture of these so I can share them. [Laughing] Mine says, “Adult-ish.” [Laughing]
I know. [Laughing] I saw that and I was like, “That’s so perfect for her.”
That’s so funny. Look at all of this. “I’m so magical, I sweat glitter.” [Laughing]
[Laughing] You guys are. You’re magic.
These are so sweet. I will post pictures of them so everyone can see them. And a hat!
Yes.
Is this what you do in therapy?
[Cross talk]
Oh sorry, go ahead.
Because you’re always complaining about the hair.
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
Such hair drama. Did you make this in therapy?
Mmhmm.
How can you concentrate that much? It’s so well done.
It’s -- my therapist says that it’s bilateral stimulation for me, because I’m activating the left and right side of my brain when I’m using my left and right hand. So, it actually helps me focus better.
That’s amazing. Oh my goodness. You made a dreamcatcher.
Yes, we did.
We’re from Oklahoma. So, dreamcatchers are a big deal.
Oh, right. I didn’t think about that.
They’re so native there.
Yes.
Oh, that’s so fancy. You made it out of lace. It’s all white.
Yeah.
Aww, sweetie. That was so kind.
Aww, I’m glad that you like it all.
And you sent some cards and letters. I will read. That’s so sweet. Is it okay with you if I post pictures so everyone can see?
Yes. Of course!
That was so kind. Aww, thank you.
You’re very welcome.
Bye!
Bye!
[Break]
So, friendship is a thing and it’s hard. But really, it’s okay. Maybe it’s even good. I don’t know. It’s still scary as anything. I don’t know when that gets better.
[Break]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.