Transcript: Episode 128
128. Perspective Shift
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
So, after being away for two weeks, helping with the fires in California -- well, helping the people who are helping with the fires -- I’m not actually doing any firefighting, just to be clear. Although we did help rescue some horses, but mostly we’re doing trauma trainings with leaders and community people who work with children and adults, who are dealing with trauma because of the fires. Does that make sense? And a similar thing in Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria, and now North Dallas after the tornado two weeks ago.
So, basically we’ve been gone for almost three weeks from home, and tomorrow we have therapy. And we’ll get to go home after that for six hours before we literally get on a plane and fly out to the next location. So, we’re working really hard right now, trying to provide for our family, and doing what we can to help the world, and trying to keep afloat in the meantime. But a lot has been going on inside, in the middle of all of this.
The other thing you need to know for those people who have been longterm podcast listeners, who have listened for a long time -- you need to know the snow is back. [Laughs] We already had snow, like inches and inches, at our house. And it is October, which means the snow will be here until April at least. So, maybe it’s good that we are out and about and flying around in the sunshine. Maybe that will help, because last year was brutal and did not go well. [Laughs] So, maybe that’s a good thing.
So, I don’t know. I’m just trying to think about the positive things… not in a fake Polly Anna way, but in a way of “If we have to go through this, and this is our experience of where we are right now, what’s good about it?” So if we have to be away from the family, then I need it to be worth that time. And we are getting paid for what we’re doing, and so we’re able to help provide for the family. So, that is a helpful thing. And we’re doing good in the world in some tiny way that is exponential, because then the people that we train are training everybody locally. So, it gets passed on, and that will be amazing for people. So, we can try and feel confident about that or whatever, and be out and traveling where there’s sunshine, and not just -- and where we aren’t just trapped in our house because of the snow -- maybe that’s actually a good thing for us, and so I’m trying to work on my perspective and focus on those things.
So, I just wanted to share that, because I don’t know what you have going on in your life that maybe is super hard circumstances, even when you’re trying your very best to do everything right, or to do everything well, that maybe with a little bit of perspective shift, or paradigm shift, or whatever -- if you think about things a little differently, maybe it will help at least lighten your load some or give you some air to keep going. Does that make sense? I’m just hoping. So, that’s where we’ve been.
But this weekend, the last weekend of October, we did this retreat. So, for the first time in our lives -- like adult lives -- we went on purpose, to the woods [laughs], for the last weekend of October. And even though I talked about that a little bit on the last podcast, and even though it was super hard, and there were lots of triggers, and lots going on -- it was actually an amazing thing. We were with friends who are safe, and good, and kind. It was a retreat put on by the same people who did the Women’s Retreat this last summer. And so it was very, very positive, not just in the content of the things that were talked about, or the lessons that were taught, but also very positive in connection. We made a few new friends, as far as just getting to know people and introduce ourselves a little bit. We did things that we’ve never done before - like check people into the conference. We got to help set things up, and work really hard to help with serving all the people the meals, and passing things out to them, and making sure everything was set up, and being given responsibility in that way.
And so one thing that I noticed -- again, trying to practice this perspective shift thing -- one thing that I really noticed was that being able to help, and offer something back to the people who have done so much for us, felt really good…not in an arrogant way, like, “I’m so special, because I’m really good at passing out water bottles”, but like there’s something about having dignity and having a purpose that feels better than just drowning in shame. Does that make sense?
It wasn’t -- so, it wasn’t even about not just sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, or not just being too far in my own head -- it was about I’m functioning, I’m helping, I’m doing things for other people who have done so much for me, and also doing things for other people who don’t know me at all. And so just getting to be in that neutral setting, in the background, where we were functioning, but also participating, but also able to withdraw when we needed to -- that was amazing. That was amazing.
And then the other piece of it was that we knew, going into this, that there was going to be a bonfire Friday night. And for us, that’s a really big deal, and a really big trigger, because of a fire we saw when we were little. Which, I’m not going to talk about in this podcast. We shared a little bit about it in a podcast in the past already, but I’m not going to go into it a lot right now, because it’s not about the details. What’s important is that it was a trigger for us and it was something really, really hard for us. And so part of what we did to manage that and to regulate ourselves is the talk that went before the fire was a very emotional story, with its own triggers, but it ultimately helped people think about what is it you need to let go of, what is if you don’t want to hold onto anymore, and those things they throw in the fire, and the fire burns it, right - so one of those positive healing experiences in that kind of set up.
And we have already attended that particular talk. It’s the session we went to last summer when we shared about all this. And so instead of repeating all of that, and putting ourself through all of that again -- what we did was skipped the talk itself and wait until after the talk was over, and everyone else who had done the fire piece had gone back inside to watch a movie, or chat, or whatever that they were doing -- and then we went by ourselves, alone, to throw in our piece of paper. So, it took us a really long time to think about what we wanted to write down on the paper. And because we knew that activity was happening, we actually prepared for it in advance, so that Friday night -- all we had to do was to face that fire. Does that make sense?
Everything else we already did ahead of time, including deciding what it was that we wanted to write on our paper. So that in itself is a story, because there’s so many things that we need to let go of, or that we want to learn, or things that we want to do better, or trauma’s we need to work through. You could fill in the blank of what you want to throw in the fire, in so many ways. And so it was a lot of work deciding what we wanted to put on that piece of paper, because we wanted it to be real, and not just words. We did not take it casually. We took it very, very seriously. But at the same time, we also really wanted it to be something that was legitimate and authentic that we really, really could work on.
And so, in the end, just to share, in the end, what we wrote down on our piece of paper was “fear”. Because fear is what we want to face and get through, because the more you avoid fear, the more power you give it. And we’ve learned that when we’ve learned about triggers, and we’ve learned that in therapy, and we’ve learned that in life this year, and it’s been a very hard and difficult lesson. But if we want to take our power back, then what we want to do is stop being afraid.
Now, it’s totally okay to feel scared when you need to feel scared, or to feel whatever feelings you have. Those need to be validated. But that’s different than us living in a state of fear and just being afraid all the time. That’s not even anxiety or being anxious. That’s a whole different thing, of just being frozen in fear, or stuck in fear, or acting out because we’re afraid, or hiding and withdrawing from people because we’re afraid. It’s preventing us from getting the help that we need. It’s preventing us from connecting with people who really could be good and safe people who contribute to our lives, and give us opportunity to contribute to their lives.
And sometimes, as we learned from the therapist, you’re afraid and you just have to do it anyway. And so we’ve really worked on that, and we’ve really worked very specifically in some ways in therapy, but also generally, have been trying to do that -- taking this new contract to help provide for our family is one way that we’ve done it. Going on these trips and also coming home again [laughs] is another way. And facing hard things in therapy, or really starting to talk about things is another way. So fear is really, really big in our life. It has a lot of power. We have a lot of nightmares. There’s obviously a lot of anxiety. There’s just so much trauma. Even if I were going to write trauma down on the paper -- that was too overwhelming, because there’s so many things -- it’s like therapy. There’s so many things. Where do you even start? I don’t even know where to start. Like okay, “I’m ready to work on things in therapy now”, but like what? What? Work on what? [Laughs] Where do you even start? There’s so much.
So, I needed it to be specific, but also something that I could apply, even to my own behavior, like my choices, because I always have a choice. And this empowers me to think about things differently, to shift my perspective, and to sort of try and get some power back for myself. Does that make sense?
So, trying to empower myself, I wrote down fear on the paper that I threw into the fire. I thought that would be an impossible moment too, by the way, you guys. For months, weeks, and weeks -- I’ve played over in my head. I prepared for it. We’ve talked about it in therapy. We’ve talked about it with friends like, “What is that going to look like? What is that going to be like? How scary is that going to be?” It’s going to be a big, big deal. And so for us, facing a huge trigger like that was really, really huge, except [laughs] then we went to California [laughs] where the entire mountain is on fire [laughs]. And let me tell you, a little tiny campfire is nothing compared to the entire wall of fire coming at you down the mountain. [Laughs] So, by default, our circumstances kind of shoved us right through that exposure therapy [laughs]. We’re going to have to desensitize really fast, because there’s actual fire coming at us now. And so [laughs] I mean, I’m kind of laughing, because it’s crazy to look back and think of it, and in the moment it was super scary and a really hard week.
But, that meant by the time we go to the campfire, it was no big deal, [laughs] because this fire was little, and this fire was contained, and in this place, I was surrounded by safe and good people who love me, and safe and good people who know me -- even if they don’t know all of my stories -- and some of them don’t know hardly any stories at all, but they are pure and good and safe, and I was in an environment where it was appropriate and safe to approach the fire. I was contained. It was contained. And because of that safety, I was able to pretty much just walk right up to it and throw it in. It was kind of anti-climactic after everything. But for me, it was a big deal. And also, I didn’t want to hang out there. So like, as soon as I threw it in, we were like, “And we’re out. We’re done. Good bye.” And in fact, we didn’t even go back for the evening activities. We just went back to our little cabin room, and we were done for the night, and did not come back out, not because we were in crisis, and not because we were hiding or withdrawing, but because Friday, that was our activity. We wanted to help set up and get everything ready, and then we wanted to do the fire. And really, for our capacity and our focus and what we needed to do safely internally, that was really all we could do.
And so I’m actually totally 100% okay with that. And if you remember from the retreat in the summer, we only went to the one thing, and that’s all we could do. So this is huge progress, because the next day, we went to all three sessions. So, I’m really, really proud of us, and I think that that totally counts as progress. And it’s way better than a year ago almost, at the Healing Together conference, when we couldn’t even leave our room. Okay, so we’ve made huge progress, and I think it counts. And the fact that I can even see that there’s progress also counts. So, that was a big deal and that’s kind of how that part unfolded.
Now, I’m not saying it all went perfectly and it all went smoothly, because here’s what else I know -- except, I do know about it, so that counts as progress [laughs] too. It was not just lost time. What I know is that when it was time for the talk that was leading up to the fire activity, we left the building. That’s okay. We knew that was coming. That was part of the plan. But we did not go back to our room. We went and climbed a tree. [Laughs] And from the tree, we watched that talk happen, and the talk that was leading up to the activity. And then when it was time for them to start building the fire, we scurried out of the tree and ran -- this place where we were at had a cabin that was into the hillside a little bit, so one of the decks came out and was up on stilts to make it even with the others side. And under those stilts, under that porch that went around the building, there was an entrance to under the house -- under the cabin that should have been closed up, but wasn’t. And we went in there and checked for animals and to make sure it was actually safe, and we hid inside that like a hideout, and even found some boards, and built this little playhouse, or clubhouse, or something, and hung out inside there, away from the cold wind, because it was kind of a cold night, and we were outside, because we don’t actually have a coat. But, that’s a different story. And so we were safe and cozy in there, but because it wasn’t actually closed off, there was just enough of a slit where we could see outside, but people could not see in, because we were in the shadows. And so we were able to watch the group of women come out and do their activity with the fire.
And that was an interesting piece, because I think if we were only hiding, we would have done our part. We would have gone through it, but it sort of gave us courage and also neutralized the experience a little bit. Because what we saw were the women participating, the women were perfectly safe, even some of them laughing and talking. And so they were not afraid of the fire, and it was just a tiny, little campfire. I don’t know the word in english -- that the fire was in -- like a fire pit, sort of, except it was small. So, with that many women surrounding the fire, it really put the fire in perspective. So again, that shift -- because something that seemed so big and scary to us was actually really small, because this was a small, contained fire, and there was way more women than what could fit around the fire at one time, right, so they had to kind of take turns. But then also, when it was our turn later, when we went by ourself later -- well, we went with someone, but not with the whole group is what I mean -- when we went up, it was such a simple thing to just walk up to the fire, drop in our piece of paper, and then back off. That’s all we did. We didn’t have to engage with the fire anymore than that. And so what had felt so big and so heavy and so huge for us, on this one particular issue, because of one specific trauma, turned out to actually, in now time, be a really not a big deal at all.
So, in memory time, it was a huge thing. We lost our foster family. It was a huge thing. And the grief is still there. And in fact, we had a great deal of grief the next morning -- kind of through the night -- but the next morning and there was lots of crying for hours, like my face hurt. My face was going to break. There was so much crying. So, I’m not saying that it was easy. I’m not saying that it was pleasant. But in a safe environment, with safe people, and a safe activity to help us face it, it was actually such a small thing. And so it really was an experience of memory time…”This was really bad and awful”, but in now time, “It’s okay.” Not because it’s okay that that happened in the past. It’s not okay at all. And every feeling that goes with that is okay, as in acceptable. But in now time, things are different. And in now time we are safe. In now time, I can contain what the trigger is, like the fire, which was not actually a scary thing as it turns out. And myself, meaning I didn’t fall apart. I cried. I felt things. But I didn’t fall apart so much I couldn’t function. Well, not right then. [Laughs] I didn’t do anything embarrassing in front of people. There wasn’t so much switching that people were like, “Hey, there goes the crazy girl.” Well, they might have, but they didn’t say it out loud where I could hear them. Well also, I’m deaf, so maybe they did say it. But, they were nice anyway. [Laughs] I don’t know if they said it or not.
But you know, all these things that I can think of in my head, of why we can’t do these group activities, or why we can’t participate in things -- none of it actually happened. Everything was just fine. We had so much fun. We got to help and be a functioning adult. And then we dealt with something that was hard, but we had people with us who knew it was hard, and were totally supportive through that, for that, and after that. They were just present in that.
And so it was a huge experience, and a huge lesson, and a huge learning. It was really, really good. And it wasn’t just good, it was a huge perspective shift. Because if that’s true of the fire, then it’s maybe true of other things. Right? So, even our last podcast, which was a very difficult one talking about certain kinds of abuse, like ritual abuse. Even that piece, without at all minimizing how hard any of it was -- part of me can now be like, “They were just people who were mean, dressing up in costumes to scare children, and doing terrible things.” So, that still validates how awful and hard it was, but without being afraid right now in the present. What was awful and hard was in the past. What was awful and hard was in memory time. But in now time, I have the power and the freedom and the choice to shift my perspective and say, “That was really bad, because it was wrong what they did. And that was really hard, because nothing like that should ever happen to a child.” Just the shift in perspective -- you can let go, like throwing fear into the fire -- you can shift your perspective, and let go of the present feelings while still honoring the past feelings. You can stay in the present experience, while still validating the past memory time experience. Does that make sense?
So, I feel like even though it turned out to be a simple thing of just dropping fear in the fire -- it was so simple. It didn’t even take 30 seconds, like maybe not even 10 seconds. And in fact, we so wanted just to be over it, we didn’t even stall really in approaching the fire. I think we stopped once to take a breath, and then we just walked right up, dropped it in, and backed off, and was like, “Peace out. We’re done.” It was so simple, not even [laughs] five seconds maybe, except it changes everything, everything.
So, that was Friday, which was huge in its own way. Saturday was huge for us, because we, for the first time, went to all of the sessions at a conference in the daytime. That’s how well we were functioning. Now, we’re not saying that it was easy. One of them was super triggering. And during the lunch break, instead of spending the lunch break helping -- that time we did have to take a time out and go cry. And we cried for almost two hours, like hard, sobbing, gut-wrenching crying. It was awful, it was unpleasant. They were really big feelings, but we did not harm ourselves. We did not run away. And we did not lose time. We stayed present, working together, feeling what there was to feel and it was awful. But then we came up for air, and we knew who to ask for help, and we knew what to do to help. And so we were able to connect with someone who can keep us safe and well. We were able to connect with someone who was able to go and get our colored pencils, so that we could draw it out. We were able to find a safe place, alone, to take time to do all of that. And by the time we were calmed down, we still had time to get a little bit of the lunch before the next session started.
And so I’m really proud of us for that moment, which a year ago would have been a disaster. And really proud of us for that moment, where even six months ago, we would have been really mean to ourselves about it, and really hard on ourselves for failing, or not being able to function, or judging harshly, criticizing ourself for some reason, because that was hard. But what we were able to do was have compassion on ourselves and say, “This was just hard. I need to sit with it. I need to process it and work through it.” And we wrote and wrote and wrote in the notebook - like so many pages. And we colored and drew and water colored pencils, and we got it out of there. And so it was awful and it was hard and it was unpleasant. I’m not saying it was an easy day, but we got it out of us, it’s not in us. And that’s huge. It’s huge.
The first talk, there were a couple of quotes I wanted to share. I’m not going to share the whole talk. I don’t have permission to share the whole talk, and I need to process it before I even share what I learned from the talk. But there’s a few quotes that I want to share that explain how we connected with it so much.
One was a story, that in the story, it included a friend checking on her other friend, just because of what was going on in that story -- that part doesn’t matter -- but here’s the quote. She said, “Every day she was checked on to see how she was doing. And then even as hard things happened, the person helping her and taking care of her, continued to remind her of who she was.” So again, you guys, it’s simple, simple things of such a perspective shift, because sometimes I feel like I’m really hard work, I don’t know how to be friends, I don’t know how to keep friends, I don’t know how to do this right, or do this well, or I’m too much hard work. You can say such awful things, because it feels true. But sometimes your feelings are lying to you, and what’s true is that someone is just checking on you because they care. And sometimes someone is just reminding you who you are so that you can hold onto it again when it felt too slippery by yourself.
The other thing I really liked about the talk is they were telling a story, and in the story they talked about the bad guy of the story. Okay, I know I’m keeping it super vague and simple, but that’s all I can say for right now. And -- but when they were talking about the bad guy, they referred to this guy as evil, because of the terrible things they did. There was something about that -- whether you want to use a different word or not -- whatever terminology you want to use -- there was something validating just in that experience alone of acknowledging that there are people in the world who do terrible things.
The other thing they said in the story -- the other quote was, “Slimy guys with evil plans.” So there are evil guys, and there are evil guys with evil plans. I’m not saying all guys are evil. I’m not saying only guys are evil. I’m just saying, to hear that validated…that there are some people who have just hurt people so bad, that for whatever reason, it’s awfulness in them, and they planned awfulness. And there’s something important about acknowledging that, that there are slimy guys with evil plans -- there’s something important and validating about saying that out loud. Because so often we think the abuse was our fault, or so often we think if only I had done this, or if I only were good, or if I had only gone here, or if I would have said this, or I should have done this. Like the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s -- for someone just to say, “These were bad people who did bad things”, it lifted so much false guilt off of me. And for just a moment, there was this shift in perspective again, where I could see clearly, all these things that had happened that were not my fault.
Now, let me assure you, I am very human, and I make plenty of mistakes on my own. But I’m talking about when I was a child being hurt. That is not your fault. Do you remember we shared, before, like earlier this year -- very early this year -- about almost a year ago now -- about how the therapist taught us that they are not our secrets? This is the same thing. This is not our fault. What they did was terrible. But they did it. You didn’t do it. And when they caused you to do things, and that hurt got passed on through you, that was still because of what they taught you, or told you, or forced you. And so letting go of that false guilt, so that you are empowered with the freedom to choose differently, and to be different, and love and nurture differently, without the same kind of abuse you went through -- it changes everything.
So, what I experienced was learning that I was worth checking on, learning that I matter just because I’m here and because I’m me, and learning that there are people who have just chosen to do terrible, awful things, and that that is unrelated to me causing it. It is not my fault. They are not my secrets. And that I have valuable things inside of me to give the world in some way. I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t know what that is exactly. But that I matter, and it’s important enough for me to be here, and helping right where I am, in the ways that I can, and that that makes a small difference -- like throwing fear into the fire -- with really big effects for other people.
So, here’s what you need to know about that…that when you do small things that love and nurture and lighten the loads of the people around you, who brighten the days of the people around you, who bring healing in tiny ways -- maybe it’s just a smile -- and giving of yourself in safe and good and healthy ways, and connecting with others in empowering and healthy ways -- that it changes everything.
So, it was huge, and that was just the first talk. The second talk was about forgiveness. That’s going to have to be another episode for the podcast, another time. I can’t even scratch the surface of it right now. I’m not in the place to do it. But let me say this about it. It was so good, because it talked about what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. And I think we have to be really careful about that when we talk about that with survivors and as survivors, because it’s a very sensitive subject, and people use that word wrong all the time, and apply it in unhealthy ways all the time.
The other piece about forgiveness that I will say now, is that it’s not something you can do without acknowledging what’s happened. Here’s the quote -- the one quote from that talk that I’ll share right now -- “True forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimizing, justifying, or condoning the actions that harmed us.” So, this is one reason why staying in therapy is really important to healing, even if you’re functioning well. If you still have dissociated parts of your life, or pieces of your history that you’ve not fully acknowledged, or things that are difficult about ways you have been hurt or abused -- you can’t really let go of it and move forward without acknowledging it. And letting go of it, and moving forward does not at all mean that what happened was okay or that you’re over it or that it’s finished or that it was no big deal. What it does is take the power out of it being on you, because it’s their secret, it’s not yours. It’s their choice, not yours. It was their wrongdoing, not yours.
And so like throwing the fear into the fire, it’s something that feels like a really big thing, but actually becomes a simple thing. And we will talk about that another time. I can’t do that today. I just can’t. But it was huge, and it was after this talk that we went and cried for like two hours, because there were huge things. There were several different triggers -- not just in the topic, but in the contents and the stories that were shared. There were big triggers, and there was just a lot…a lot happening. But again, I really want to show some respect and compassion, even for myself, that we handled that hard topic, and the hard content that was in it, really well, considering how difficult it was. Not that we were functioning, we weren’t. We weren’t able to help. That’s the one time in the weekend we were no help to anybody. And not that it wasn’t messy. We were sobbing and not breathing and it was big and it was awful and it was scary, but we stayed with it. We didn’t bury it. We didn’t push it onto somebody. We didn’t assign it away. We didn’t run away. We didn’t hurt ourselves. We sat with it, and were able to stay with it until it passed. And we wrote about it in the notebook, and we can talk about it more in therapy, but it didn’t win. It didn’t drown us. We didn’t lose the rest of the day. We didn’t disappear, miss out on everything that came out after. We just had a moment. And that’s okay, and I’m really, really proud of that. And there’s no one else I can tell that we’re really, really proud of that [laughs], because I don’t know anyone else who would understand, except on the podcast. And you get it. This is a big deal.
But here’s the funny thing -- talking about shifts in perspective -- knowing that we did that gives us courage in doing it again with something else. And practicing doing that gives us muscles to be able to do it with more things than what we could before. So even that becomes exponential, because it helps us not just in that particular moment, but doing it well in one moment helps us do it well in another moment. See how huge that is? So, it was a simple thing -- a simple, simple thing that actually changed everything. Everything changed.
So, we have to stay present, not just as one person. I’m not talking about that. I’m saying stay present with what’s difficult to see what there is to see, to learn from it, and to put it in its place where it goes. Stay present with the process and the hard work and the loneliness and the grief and the betrayals and the loss and the tears and the confusion and the frustration and the heartache. But also know that you’re not alone. Also know that you’ve already made it through. Also know that there is help and there is hope. Find safe people who care about you, who can just be present with you, even if they can’t undo the past, and even if they can’t change what’s been hard, and even if they can’t fix what has been done to you. But be honest with yourself and others about what you need, and about what you’re feeling, and about what you’re experiencing. That’s what I learned this weekend. That’s how we create and maintain connections with other people who are safe and good and kind.
Be careful in choosing who you trust, but when you find those people, do it. Trust them. Throw fear into the fire and let them help you. Find ways to help them. Do the opposite of what’s been done to us. Do the opposite of what’s been done to you your whole life. Let it go… not because it’s not real, not because it’s getting buried again, not because it’s not valid, not because it wasn’t that bad. It was that bad. It was that tragic. But it is in the past.
So, consider now what good you have to offer and how you can use it.
I want to share something we wrote in the notebook after this weekend was over.
“I knew the hardest part of Friday would be facing the fire. Literally that simple piece of paper and the simple act of walking up to throw it in, but maybe a campfire isn’t so frightening after seeing the mountains on fire in California. Maybe the past seems a little further away after walking the ruins of paradise and seeing the ashes and remains of homes and being able to realize that they’re fire already happened, however devastating, and it was in the past. So maybe the fire from my dreams is really over too, even though it was also devastating. Memory time is finished. Maybe there is grief, maybe there is loss, maybe things in memory time were awful and can’t be undone, and missed things can’t be made up, but it’s over. It is finished.
Saturday, I knew, would be hard in a different way, from the literal fire to the metaphorical one to the very burning down of walls inside me that I am no longer strong enough to hold up anymore. But the crumbling hurts. The weight of the walls crushes me. The pain that is in me when I stay present drowns me and leaves me raw and sobbing. I cannot hide anymore. My friend walks me into my house every 15 minutes” -- meaning she keeps me present -- “and stays with me in hard things” I don’t mean she really walks me into my house. “She doesn't let me leave or escape or run away, but she doesn’t leave either. And you haven’t left” -- meaning my therapist -- “you have stayed and so here I am, still. And I’ve learned that my problem isn’t so much me, or even what happened to me, it’s how the smoke from the fire fills the skies and runs down ash, blocking out the sun. It’s how hurricane and flood waters recede over time, but leave a sludge behind so you can’t see the road. My problem is that I can’t see clearly and don’t know how to find my way, and that’s why the dark is so terrifying, not because the monsters are still here.
I didn’t know that. With all the NTIS practice, that piece still hadn’t clicked into place. But it has now, for a minute, if I can hold onto it. And even if it is terrifying and exhausting work, there is hope in knowing that all I need is light to see, and power and understanding, that all I need to do is dig through the sludge to find my road. I get it now, almost, for a glimpse, for just a moment, that you have been helping me see so that I could dig, but that what I dig doesn’t have to come alive again. And what I dig, I don’t have to hold onto and carry with me forever, but that I will if I don’t see the work of seeing you there, of getting through, of finding my way. But also, if I keep at it, maybe it won’t always be so muddy.
I know now there is no way around it. True forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimizing, justifying, or condoning the actions that harmed us. So that’s the sludge muddying up my road, smoking out the sky so that I can’t see. I learned this weekend that doesn’t mean that just laying in the mud, with my eyes closed, works. It doesn't actually help things get better.
But the sun is so bright and the fire is so hot and there is so much in me. I’m going to need a lot more campfires. So, now what? Getting through the mess of memory time, back to the present, and onto the future. How do I stay present and greet these Parts of me and say, ‘I’m really glad to know you, and thank you for being here, and I appreciate your help?’ And how do I mean it, even when the memory time storm crashes over me?”
I guess that’s what we figure out next.
[Break]
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