Transcript: Episode 133
133. Sleeping Jesus
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Good morning. It's a Sunday morning and we're still out of the country. So I wanted to share something that has actually been revolutionary for us. A change in framework and a change in perspective, and a way for us to think through things that we've not been able to think through before, that somehow has lessened some of that internal conflict that comes when we have big feelings or don't know what to do, and even don't feel capable of figuring that out sometimes. Do you know that feeling?
If you remember, a month or two ago we went to a retreat. And at the retreat there were several talks. One of those talks was given by a woman of faith. So before I share what I want to tell you about today, I want to give that trigger warning. Because it is in reference to a story from the New Testament. But we only use this story to introduce and explain how we got questions that we now ask as a framework. The podcast episode is not about the New Testament, is not at all going to be a preachy kind of episode, or a talk I've given, or anything meant to trigger anyone by talking about spiritual beliefs. So understanding that, know that there is a reference only at the beginning, the one time to explain where we got these questions and how they came up. And so it comes from a text in the New Testament. But after explaining that very very briefly, we won't need to talk about it again. And what we have to talk about will still make sense even if it's not part of your faith system. So if that's okay with you, keep listening. Because what we've learned has changed everything in how we're able to work together, and tolerate some of our big feelings, and ask ourselves hard questions. But stick around for the answers. If any kind of talk about faith or references specifically from the New Testament are too triggering for you, then just skip this episode. But that's not at all what the content is about. And I think it will make sense as you listen.
For those who can still listen, bear with me just for a minute while I very quickly explain the story that brought up the questions. The talk that we listened to at the retreat that weekend, one of them, the one I want to talk about today that's been so powerful to us, was based on a story from Mark Chapter Four in the New Testament where Jesus calms the storm. And what happens in the story is that Jesus tells his disciples to get in a boat and to go to the other side. And actually, what I know from being in Israel that I love about even that part of the story that's not at all in the Bible, is that the lake they were on, of course was the Sea of Galilee, and the reason they needed to go to the other side was because this side wasn't safe. And so even though that part was not in the context of the talk, or what was talked about that day at the retreat, it was something I knew and a piece that was really important to me. Because when the political leaders were trying to come after Jesus and the disciples, they were coming up the roads around the Sea of Galilee. But the political boundaries went right down the middle. So if they go to the other side of the lake, they are actually under a different jurisdiction. And so they would be safe there if they went to the other side.
And for me as a person learning about trauma, and learning how to be safe, that's an important piece. Because we have had a very hard couple of months. And we have not been very safe, actually. And it has been a lot of work to stay safe and to get back to solid footing. And basically, for us, it comes down to exactly that. That we can either stay in this place, and not get better, and not be well, and not be safe. Or we can go to the other side. We can go to the other side under different jurisdiction where the old rules from Memory Time no longer apply. Or we can stay here where we're in danger, even though Memory Time is in the past. And so if we're going to stay safe, and if we're going to get better, and if we're going to heal, we have to get in the boat. We have to choose to get to the other side.
But in this story, it's scary. Because what happens is they get on the boat and they start crossing the sea, and a storm comes. And so the talk was about how often does that feel like what life is, where just as things are getting better, and just as everything seems like it's okay, and just as we're making progress, the storms come. And what's funny in the story is that while the disciples are all worked up about it, Jesus is sleeping. He's comfortable, and he's sleeping.
But we feel that in life too where we are all worried about things that other people seem to not notice. Why am I anxious about silly little things that feels so big to me, but that other people don't seem to mind? Why do I get triggered by normal things that don't bother other people? How is it that I can't hold on to Now Time, but the therapist and the husband and my friends can live in it every day?
And so the disciples were afraid. But the last part of this story that we're going to talk about today, and then we won't talk about the story more except for these questions. But the last part of the story is that even though the disciples were afraid, Jesus didn't rebuke the disciples. Jesus rebuked the storm. And that part's important because sometimes we rebuke even ourselves instead of recognizing the storm.
And so I know this isn't a podcast to talk about such things, and I don't want to trigger anyone. And so that's as briefly as I can tell the story. And maybe you don't even believe the story or think it was real, or whatever your faith tradition is, and whether it includes that or not. The point is that it's a metaphor for therapy, and a metaphor for life, and a metaphor that came out of the blue when we weren't expecting it and has changed everything. And so I asked for permission to tell that much so that I can explain what we've been doing, because I think it saved our life and certainly has changed how we process things, and how we're able to think, and how we're able to even regulate what we're feeling and how big it gets, and has even empowered us to do something about it when before that was too hard, and too much.
Because what the story does is teaches us six steps to think through what is too hard and too much, and to make a plan for what to do about it, while still honoring how difficult it is and why it's hard. So it's not just the framework, like CBT, or just a reframing. Because it holds all the pieces, it holds all of us, all of me. It holds the future and where we can go and who we could be. But it also holds the present and the struggle of how hard it is to get there. And it also holds the past and the reality of how hellish that's been. And it shows how they all impact each other. But it also reminds us that it's a journey across to the other side. We're not just drowning here.
And I think for the first time in weeks and weeks and months, we had hope. I'm not sure what happened, or even when it happened. Maybe what happened in Africa broke us. Maybe trying to function after Africa was too much. Maybe losing friends who didn't choose to keep us, or who decided not to stay, or who said we were not enough. Put our head back under the sand where we couldn't breathe and we couldn't see. Because when you take a chance, and it doesn't work, it's hard to keep trying.
But then somehow finding new friends, and believing the therapist, and holding on to that last bit of air in our lungs, has given us hope and has pulled us through when I wasn't sure we were going to make it.
But now finally, finally, just this week, we're starting to breathe again. We're starting to see clearly and we're functioning. We're working. We've even started interviewing people on the podcast again, which it's been some time since we've been able to do any of that just because functioning has been so hard. We're getting out of bed, and we're walking, and we're eating healthy food at regular intervals. And we're taking care of ourselves even while in dangerous circumstances, in scary places, in the Middle East and around the world. We've been able to not just step up, but step into our life as the therapist once invited us to do. I didn't know that we could. And suddenly, we're doing it.
So here are the six questions, which is why I wanted to share this story. Not to be preachy, but because this has changed everything for us. And we may reference it again in the future, and so you needed to understand where it came from. Here are the six questions.
Number one. What's my other side? Where am I headed? Where am I going? What am I trying to do or accomplish or endure?
Number two. What's my boat? How am I going to get there? And what keeps me safe? What makes it possible? What do I need to be able to get to the other side? How am I going to get there?
Number three. What's my storm? What makes it hard? What crashes against me? What tries to ruin everything just as I get started?
Number four. Who or what is my sleeping Jesus? Who was safe and calm around me when I don't feel it? What helps me be grounded? What helps me stay present? What keeps my focus on the other side of who I am and who I want to be? What helps me keep trying when I can't on my own anymore?
Number five. And this one's hard. It's hard to be this honest and this vulnerable. But if you're going to get to the other side, you have to ask it. Why am I afraid? What is it that I'm afraid of? What is it that's stopping me? What is slowing down my own progress? What is keeping me from intervening in my own behalf? What makes it so hard to help myself?
And number six. How can I rebuke this storm instead of the disciples? How can I keep the burden of responsibility on this just really being that hard instead of on me as a failure? Because I'm not. I'm not a failure. This just really is this hard. And this shame that is put on me that I feel every day is not mine. And these are not my secrets. That therapist taught us that a year ago, and it's still one of the most powerful gifts we've ever been given.
But these six steps, these questions, help us sort through it and remember that and hold on to it. So maybe it seems super simple to you, but for us it's been a big deal. And I want to share with you some examples of what that looks like. In case it helps you to.
So for example, one thing that's really hard is that we want to be home with the children and the husband. But also to raise our family, especially because they have so many special needs, and so many medical crises that put them in the hospital so often, means we need money to provide for our family. And the husband works two jobs, and we worked two jobs. But then we were offered this contract to go back to the kind of work with humanitarian aid, like what we used to do before we had a family, when it didn't matter if we were in danger, when it didn't matter if we died. But it's risky, and it's far away, and it's a long time, and we would rather be home. I can't even answer the door when medical supplies are delivered. Remember that? So how is it that we're traipsing across the world presenting to leaders in different countries, meeting with families and survivors and children, training their communities to help them. I don't know how it all works sometimes, this dissociative thing where sometimes I can't do what is easy, and sometimes I can do what is too hard. I don't understand how it works, or why I can't remember it, or how there's so many brains just in one head. How there's so many people, so many voices, with so many different needs on the inside. Just like my children, as if they were little birds chirping in the nest, begging for food. Except they are, and so we have to work even more. And so there's this conflict about what to do and what to feel about it. And it causes so much stress, and so many arguments, and so many conversations that it sucks up energy and time inside and outside, and causes confusion and feelings that can't be untangled. Like a pile of necklaces thrown from a drawer.
But with these questions, I can go through the steps and I can think about what is happening. And I can focus and honor each perspective, and do it in a way that keeps me moving forward instead of stalling out.
So the first question is: What's my other side? And my answer is that I need to care for my family. And that means even paying medical bills.
So the second question is: What's my boat? How do I do that? And the answer is letting Dr. E work. And that's hard whether it's a contract across the world, or whether it's getting up every day at three in the morning to do our work before the day begins, at home or in another country. What would be easier, it would be easier just to go back to sleep. It would be easier to just panic and not do anything, until it costs us everything. It would be easier to fight for time and argue about it, instead of just letting her do what she needs to do as part of what we need to get to the other side.
The third question is: What's my storm? And that's maybe the easiest question most of the time. Because as it turns out, I'm really good at noticing what's wrong, and I'm really good at noticing what's hard, and I'm really good at being overwhelmed. And so we answer for number three about what is this storm, is that work takes time away from the family. And the contract work takes us far away from the family. But when we're overwhelmed by the storm, that's when we see this sleeping Jesus.
And so that's question number four: Who are what is my sleeping Jesus? And for me on this one, it's that the husband is doing okay and has helped at home. And the children are actually a little more relaxed without me being there being anxious. Not that they're better off without me. But it's kind of a good experience for everyone. And they're growing up a little in new ways.
So if that's true, that even though this is hard, everything's still okay, then that brings us to question five, which is: Why am I afraid? And the answer is, because I don't know if it's the right thing leaving my children so we can go help other children. And that sounds all noble and good, except also there's a deeper layer that's just selfish. Because I just feel safer at home. And I don't want to go, I don't want to be away. I want to be home. And leaving home scares me. And so that's why I'm afraid. But I want to get to the other side more than I want to be at home afraid. Because if I could get to the other side, then I could be home and not be afraid.
So that's number six: How could I rebuke the storm instead of just myself? Or instead of Dr. E? Or instead of being upset that we have to work? Or instead of complaining about being away, while the people on our team try so hard to keep us safe and fed, and making sure that we have what we need while we're here? So my answer about how to rebuke the storm is keeping things in perspective. Because really, we're doing more in less time. So what helps a lot even though it's hard, and because we do this in chunks, when we are home we get to be all the way home and rest more and differently than if we just had an eight to five job in the office, which isn't enough to provide for our family and all their medical bills. Also, we have a security team here that keeps me safe even if they're not the husband, who keeps me safest. Or the therapist who keeps me safer still. Or my friend who reminds me of all of that if I forget. And really I am safe.
When she's out working we have to wear a bulletproof vest. And there have been some scary things happen in politics, and countries fighting each other, while we're trying to walk through rubble to talk to children. So there have been some scary moments, I'm not gonna lie. But I've been aware of it. And I was safe with the team around me, following directions and being where I was supposed to be. And the people were good and kind, and have hosted as well as they could under the circumstances. And we have been delighted to get to know them, and to look into their eyes, and to take their stories to leaders who could change everything, if only they would. So why is it that I'm so worried about being safe while others are still in danger. And if we’ve learned how to go inside and rescue those in Memory Time, then maybe giving back is something we can do by going across the world and rescuing them too.
And the other piece of number six, is that we aren't disconnected. The therapist is still there, our friend is still there, the husband is still there. And sometimes we have WiFi to talk to them, or to text them, or to see them. And I always cry when we do. Because it's hard to be away. But now I can understand why we have to. And I'm somehow empowered to make the choice to do it, and be aware of it, and understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. Which is more presence, and capacity, and dignity than I've had in a really long time.
So we started asking these six questions and going through the steps to untangle ourselves, and consciously with intent make our choices and respond to our experiences in the world while honoring the feelings and the perspectives that we have about them. It's been powerful and integrating even, if I could use that word in a sentence without everyone panicking.
But sometimes it's hard. Because going to the other side means doing the work that it takes to get there. And sometimes seeing what the need is, instead of only being afraid of it, is a hard thing to face. Sometimes what's hard to face is memory time and having to talk about those things and feel those things and work through those things. Other times what's hard is making changes and growing and doing new things that we could never do before, even when they're hard, or when they sting, or when they hurt. Like letting go of friends that did not like it. Like having the courage to write in your journal when it would be easier not to look. Or sometimes balancing the needs that you have and that your family have.
And that's what happened with one of these that we did, asking the questions and figuring out how to do the hard work to get to the other side. So in this example, number one: What's my other side? And I wrote, “I need to be wise with my money. Not just pay bills, but so that my time away from my family isn't wasted.” And number two: What's my boat? How am I going to get there? For me, doing well with my family is therapy. That's my boat. That's what keeps me safe. So, therapy is expensive and our therapist is four hours away. So that's my storm. That's what makes it hard. Not just the internal work of therapy, but because it's expensive. It's four hours away, which is two tanks of gas there and back. And the winter weather means a hotel, either paying for it or using up our points, or staying with the husband's parents. Plus the money for the session, which I can't complain about because she already only charges us for one, but we always are there for two hours. So she schedules us intentionally for two hours, but we only pay for one. But doing that every week, going that far, and paying full price for therapy for a session, not for two. If we do that every week for a month, that's the same as the van payment. And if things have been as hard as they have been for our family, which I couldn't even see or notice because I was struggling so much myself. And my family didn't complain about because they knew it was so good for me, and that I needed to be there. But as I get better, I have to make hard choices, balancing my needs with their needs. But also I know I can't quit therapy because it's what's helping me get better. So that's my storm.
So number four: Who's my sleeping Jesus. And that's that I actually have Medicaid in the state where I live, because we have so many children and because their medical expenses are so high. My family every week goes to a trauma therapist who knows about dissociation and knows about DID and knows about me. We talked about it on the podcast this summer, the week that we finally had a direct conversation, just barely, almost. We didn't stay. It was for the children, you know. We have a therapist. We’re not talking to anyone else. We don't need to talk to anyone else. We don't want to change therapists. And so I don't go. My whole family, all six of my children and my husband, go to this therapist who is very kind and very good and knows what she's doing. And I just sit in the hallway, and won't even go in the waiting room because it's so scary. And that's my storm. I don't go because she's not my therapist. I don't go because she's not my person. I don't go because starting over is hard. I don't go because there's been so many bad ones in the past, and what if she is too? It's like hanging on the monkey bars instead of swinging across; afraid to let go, afraid to fall.
So number five: Why am I afraid? Because losing the therapist hurts my heart. Because I don't know if anyone will care for me as she has. Because Memory Time is hard. Because for the first time I would be choosing therapy and changing therapists intentionally for good reasons, not just running away and not just quitting.
Number six: How can I rebuke this storm? The storm feels so big right now. I don't know if I can even finish this without crying. [Crying while speaking for the remainder of the podcast] I don't want to. I want to get to the other side. And I can't work this job and be away from my family this much and still go every week and spend the whole day in therapy. Getting there, and being in therapy, and coming back. It's too much for my family if I'm going to be away from home this much anyway, and the expense of it. I can't do it or my time away from home is wasted. I’m just going to miss her. I was safe there.
When I started doing these, I didn't know that this is where it was going. It helped me on so many things, and so I just kept doing them, pages and pages and pages. I just kept doing them because it helped me sort through and it helped me process, and it help me figure things out, and I was so proud of myself, and then this one came up.
And I think it's good and right, and as it should be, but it breaks my heart. There's grief there. How can there be actual grief? It doesn't matter. It's just therapy. How do you work so hard to find a good therapist and then say goodbye? [Pause]
I have to for my family. It's the right thing. And I'm functioning well enough that I'm able to do the right thing. No one is making me. I haven't even talked to her about it yet. No one is making me. My husband will be shocked. She will be shocked. But I can't. The burden of paying for all of them and their hospital bills, I can't do it anymore. And if we have these new contracts, and I don't know how long we'll keep renewing them, they want us to go back in January. And so the income helps, and it's helping pay. But if I spend all of what I make going to therapy, then it's too much and it doesn't make a difference. We can't even buy food. And I feel bad because I've only just realized it's my fault. And she said at this retreat, if you want things to change, you have to do the work to make them different.
[Long exhales; Whispering] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So I can't, I can't feel that right now. [Long exhale]
What I wrote for number six, is that it's free therapy here. Instead of paying so much money every week to run away, instead of paying every week for a full session when I can have it covered by insurance in my own state.
And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for bringing up scriptures again. I know that's not everyone's thing. But one of the other talks at this retreat that I was at that weekend was about Esther in the Old Testament, and the whole thing about “for such a time as this.” And they said in that talk that there's a reason that you are where you are, and to just be there. And what I realized was that I'm not, I'm not there at all. And I can, with these six steps, even though it's really hard with these questions, I can honor that. Because I know I haven't been there. We had to move for the baby. And we had to move for all of what they needed. And I didn't want to be there. And I didn't need to be there. And because of my job, I wasn't there at first. And then my work changed, but I had to keep going to therapy because I needed to. And that was good and right. And I can say all of that with full compassion on myself, and myself, like in the past two years ago, last year, this year. But I've come through so much, and I've come so far, and I'm in so much of a better place. And this fall has been really, really hard. [Pause]
But it's been hard because I'm working on it, and I'm seeing things, and I'm remembering things, and I'm doing it. And I've had such breakthroughs. Remember? Even just thinking of that reminds me of that time in the summer. And I remember being at the park in the sunshine sitting on the bench and seeing my hand, and knowing it was my hand. Do you remember that? After talking about the mother hunger and trying to process all of that? It's just, it's just a good place. It's almost like I had therapy to get ready for therapy.
And so I don't want to leave her at all. She's not done anything wrong. There's no drama there other than my heart being broken. But my heart is broken. Because I have the power to do the right thing. And I have the power to learn how to stay present in my family, and how to participate, and how to ask for help, and how to do this very hard work. Because she has gifted me so that I would have permission to heal. I learned what safety was. I learned how to breathe. I learned how to find my way through time. And you can't do therapy until you can do all of those things. So maybe, so maybe she rescued me so that I could rescue me. Going to therapy even with my family and participating in that would be good for them, and good for me. And the money we would save would make the van payment, which would help so much.
And because she's right here where I live, then even when I'm home between trips, I could still have therapy. Which is different than when the therapist is so far away and I can't get there when I'm only home for a few days. And part of coming so far is knowing what's wrong. When I went to her I didn't know about DID like I know now, and I didn't understand. But I’m at a good transition please.
[Whispering] I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it.
I’m at a good transition place where at least I know what's wrong, and what I want to work on. She got me ready and I know what helps and what doesn’t. And this other lady is really nice. It's not her fault that she's not the other therapists. It is not my mistake that we moved. I did that to save my daughter and it did.
So it's like It's its own leap of faith. Because if I'm going to the other side, then this is part of that. And I have to trust that. But it's maybe the scariest thing I've ever done in my life. I know it doesn't even make sense, but somehow leaving the therapist is scarier than going in the first place.
And if we're talking about God today, then I have to trust what God is doing. That there is reason and purpose in this. Right now I don't see it. I only see the waves. Except except what she taught me was that I can be afraid, even sad, and do it anyway. [Deep exhales]
[Break]
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