Transcript: Episode 136
136. Snuggle My Muggle
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
It’s the middle of December, at the time of recording this, and we’re back home, after having been gone for almost three months. I wanted to have a formal, sitting down processing kind of chat session with all the kids together, and kind of get us on the same page about acknowledging that it was hard while I was gone, and see what they wanted to express and share about that time, and about us coming home again.
As part of the conversation, part of what came up was a new shirt that I was wearing, that came in the mail for the podcast, and on the shirt it says, “Let me introduce my selves.” Plural. And so it was a good conversation starter with the children, again talking about multiplicity and dissociation in normal ways that don’t make it scary or afraid, but also don’t give them more information than they need, or too much than we’re ready to share at this time. So, it was a good way to neutralize both the shirt and the conversation. But as part of the conversation, part of what came up was our own abuse background. We obviously don’t talk about this a lot with the children, and we debated whether to edit this out of the podcast or not, but left it for authenticity.
We don’t talk with the children a great deal about our history, but there are some pieces they know, because of flashbacks or triggers or different things that have happened, and especially with some of the more verbal or older children, who have asked some very direct questions. And so there’s a trigger warning for several things for this episode. First of all, it is a conversation with our outside children, and if you’re not comfortable listening to children or feeling safe listening to other children or a conversation of a group of children, as even that for us, sometimes is pretty triggering, because it sounds so much like the inside of our own head.
But, that being said, in some ways it’s helpful to hear what it’s like with outside kids, that aren’t just in our head. But, it is a trigger for some, and they do sing at the end of the episode, and so I wanted to warn you in case this is not the episode for you to listen to. You can turn it off or skip ahead, and listen to a different episode.
The other thing to warn you is about that piece of conversation where they bring up my own past. One of the children mentions it, and so I ask, just directly, to make it out there and not scary or a secret, what it is that they knew. And so they allude to two things specifically… one about some physical abuse with a belt, and that piece they know, because of direct questions they’ve asked in the past, as they struggled to differentiate their experiences before they came to us in foster care, and while we parented differently than what they had experienced before, and questions about my own history. They really don’t know much more about this than that, but it is a visual piece that they do have, because they’ve asked about it directly, and it’s come up in several different situations. That’s really the extent of what they know, but it does come up in this episode, and so I want to warn you.
The other thing that they mention is their awareness that we ran away from home at 17. They don’t understand fully why, but they know it’s because things were not safe at home, and that foster care was done differently than -- and that my experience was different, because I was not adopted as a child the way they were, and did not have positive experiences in foster care, the way they did. So, they know our situations are different, and our experiences were not the same, and they’re aware of these two pieces, but that’s really the depth of it. And we move on quickly in the conversation. We don’t dwell on it, but it is in the content, and so I want you to know before listening, in case you need to just skip to a different episode.
As always, please take care of yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
[Discussion with the family begins]
Interviewer: Bold Font
Various Interviewees: Standard Font
Okay, hi everybody.
[In unison] Hi.
I have been gone for two months, almost three months.
A hundred.
It felt like a hundred months, did it?
[In unison] Yeah.
And there was supposed to be flying up in the air and away from us.
Yes.
And you missed me and Barrett and Mary and [inaudible] and Amber and Mary and Barrett and Papa!
[Laughs] I did!
And [inaudible]
Don’t be ugly, please.
Ugh!
Okay, I did miss you, and I did miss Papa, and I did miss everyone. That’s so true.
And the bear!
And the bear, the big bear. We couldn’t take the big bear, could we? I didn’t fit in the suitcase, did it? So, what was hard about me being away? Barrett?
That we didn’t get all the snuggles like you did. And life was changed, because we knew when Papa and you were on, everything was normal, and days were fun. When you were gone, days were weird and didn’t look that fun. It didn’t feel fun.
It’s hard to just do it all by yourself, isn’t it?
[In unison] Yeah.
Anything else?
Me! Um, spaghetti!
Okay.
And fruit and --
Are you thinking about lunch?
Uh huh.
[Laughs] Okay! We’re talking about my trip. Were you worried about me while I was gone?
Yes, when you were at the war site? I was afraid that you might be hurt.
Me too! I was afraid that you were going to be [inaudible] like ugh!
It was scary when I went to some scary places, yeah, and had to do some hard work there.
The scariest place I think you went to was the California, where there was like -- it started -- the fire started out small, and then it started jumping from on top of trees, from tree to tree and --
And now there’s fires, really bad, in Australia. So, it’s a hard thing happening with our weather, isn’t it?
I felt so bad for Papa. He was so sick.
He had a hard time while I was gone. He missed me, didn’t he?
[In Unison] Yeah.
I think I might know why the fire’s spreading, because it could be oxygen that the fire feeds on. The fire likes oxygen.
The wind is blowing the fire from one place to another, or maybe the sparks coming out of the fire can jump over to other things, and then start a fire there, then all of it connects together and makes a huge fire.
That was -- it was intense, yeah? What was good about what our family learned while I was away? Not that it was good that I was gone, but we all learned something from it. What was good about it?
To trust the good things that would happen, or things that might happen.
Oh, okay.
Things might seem hard and you can’t get through.
So, our family has been through lots of hard things. You went through hard things before you came to us in foster care. We’ve been through hard things together, as a family, when different people have been sick or surgeries. And we’ve been through hard things while I was away. What do we learn from hard things?
That hard things are just what is happening, what you’re feeling, but actually, sometimes the hard things sometimes aren’t hard things. They’re just things that you don’t like.
What I learned is that my mom's shirt is beautiful ashes, and I learned that her things are the ashes, and things that we go through are like the beauty, like the rose.
There we go. What was the best thing about Mama coming home?
Um, me, me, me! Um, you like chicken nuggets and spaghetti and some pickle and some fruit and some --
We have actually not had chicken nuggets or mac n’ cheese or spaghetti or any of that. [Laughs]
I want to eat that!
That’s okay if you’re requesting it. What was the best thing about Mama coming home?
That life has been -- now, life has gotten good for one day, but then Papa’s gone for a whole week.
That’s true. That was one of the hard things is that the day I got home, Papa had to leave.
Yeah, we got home and it switched.
And he’s like, “Bye, bye!” and he ran off to his spot.
You like switched.
Yes, we did kind of switch, you’re right. And he had to go for work, and I just got home from work, so that’s a hard thing. So, Papa comes home today, but until we gets home, we still haven’t been all eight of us together. Right? What did you want to say?
Um, the funny thing is that we get to snuggle more, just because you love snuggles.
[Laughs]
Like snuggle my muggle.
[Laughs] Snuggle my muggle! That’s exactly what I say. Snuggle my muggle. When Papa comes home today, what will be good about all eight of us being home together?
Um…it will feel like being together forever and ever and ever, and no one will ever die.
That we’re back in the family again, or back in the family routine, like every single day.
It feels good being back in routine, yeah.
We’ll have a boy, girl, boy, girl circle.
Oh, there you go, we’re even. Three girls, three boys, a Mama, and a Papa makes four of each of us. So, we’ve learned a lot from hard things, and we’ve learned a lot from each other. Some of you grew while I was gone.
Me.
Me.
Me!
Everybody grew while I was gone, it’s true, now you all need new clothes and new shoes.
Yes, I need new shoes, because I already busted out of them.
And my big kids are turning into teenagers, and my little kids are turning into big kids. What is happening?
I’m in kindergarten now!
We were little kids, and we’re not babies anymore. Sometimes we’re going to be off to find our own families, but we’ll always bring you cookies without any other things or raisins in them.
That’s why I love you, right there, cookies with no raisins.
Or --
Butter cookies.
Butter cookies and butter chocolate chip cookies.
Oh my goodness. That’s so funny. Okay, Alex, read my shirt, because it’s funny, and we’re going to talk about it.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
It says, “Allow me to introduce my selves.”
Selves?
Right, that’s what makes it funny! Why is that funny?
I get it, I get it, I get it.
Wait. He gets it. Kirk, tell us why it’s funny.
Because instead of saying selves like -- so, it’s meaning is let me introduce like myself. In this case, what my mom’s shirt says is, “Let me introduce my selves.” Self?
So, it’s plural, right? It’s plural. What makes it funny?
Because when it says, “myselves” it’s like you’re saying, you’re going to introduce lots and lots of yous. When it says, “Let me allow to introduce my selves”, that’s like more of you.
Right.
You have more of you than you notice.
Right! Isn’t that a funny thing? So, all of us have lots of different parts of ourselves. Like, you have a part that goes to school and a part that does chores and a part that plays outside, but it’s all you. Right? You remember all of that and you get to do all those things. Part of Alex likes to be on stage and sing with the choir, part of Mary plays viola, part of Kirk plays trumpet. It’s all who you are, and you get to know those parts, right?
You also have parts in time, kind of, like there’s part of you that you remember when you did not live with our family, part of you that remembers while I was gone, part of you remembers when I finally came home, part of you remembers putting up the tree last week.
Yeah, it was so much fun.
All of those things, right? But you remember that and you get to do all of those things. So, one thing that’s interesting as you build relationships, whether that’s in a family or friends or as you become teenagers, those of you who go to middle school next year, or with friends in the neighborhood -- as you grow up, you get to know more of yourself, and more of the people around you. There are things that we can do with you now, that we could not do with you when all of you were babies. When we had six kids who were all younger than five, there was only some things we could do as a family. Right? But now that we have some kids who are eight, and some kids who are 12, there’s a lot more things that we can do. Yeah?
And as you get older, there’s more and more parts of you that we get to play with or do things with and get to know. And there are talents and strengths that you develop that are pretty special as part of who you’re becoming, who you’re growing up to be. So, what are parts of me and Papa that you know?
Um, you guys like to snuggle.
We like snuggling sometimes.
Um, you like to sleep in a warm blanket, and Papa has to take it over.
I do steal the blanket from Papa, that’s true.
Sometimes you scare. So, sometimes you’re walking down the stairs, and you’re right behind there, and then you turn around, and you’re like, “Oh!” and we’re scared.
So, part of me likes to jump out and scare you? And part of me walks down the stairs normally?
Yeah.
What else?
Part of you --
Jumping and skipping.
-- is somethings really scary, because when you threw this thing on New Years, I thought it was like a rock, or something, but --
It was a actually a pack of rocks, that was full of air, that was twisted up --
Oh! [Laughs]
And you throw it. And you throw it at things, and it explodes, and like, “Pop!”
That was Fourth of July. And so part of me liked to play with the poprocks and hide them, so it scared you on Fourth of July. Like, good scare, right?
Yeah, and sometimes we step on them, and they’re like, “Pop!”
Right, that was fun, and then you got to go play with them in the driveway.
Yeah, we got to throw them on the ground, and like, “Pop!”
Mmhmm.
Yeah.
What else? She’s got one.
Um, part of you gets overwhelmed a lot.
Yes, sometimes we can have parts of ourselves that get overwhelmed. That’s a good one.
I need to be --
Part of me doesn’t like Doctor Who.
So, you have -- that’s a good example -- you have -- Doctor Who is something fun we do in our family with some of the kids, and you in particular have part of you that really wants to be involved and know what’s going on, and have -- like, be in the excitement -- but part of you does not want to be scared. [Laughs] Which is hard with Doctor Who, right?
Part of me and you are connected, because we both really love snuggles.
Yes.
Me too! Me too! Me too!
Three people who love snuggles.
Shh.
Part of me is really strange, because I like Doctor Who, but I’m scared at night. That’s why we watch it during the day.
But see, here’s what I love about that example -- what’s important is that you’re able to know all of those parts of you at the same time, and work together with all of those parts of you at the same time. So, if we’re using the Doctor Who example, and part of you wants to be in the cool club to do Doctor Who with the family, and part of you enjoys Doctor Who, but both of you also get a little scared, because Doctor Who can be scary --
Because the big living plastic things are weird.
Well, then part of what we do to help those parts work together is watch Doctor Who only in the daytime, and not before bed. Right? Does that make sense? How else do you get different parts of yourself to work together?
Like, if we’re scared of something, not like Doctor Who, but if we’re just having a bad dream, and really, really scared, then we could come to you. You’d help us calm down, and that’s two parts are brain, and your brian, connecting to each other, so that me and you could know what’s going on.
So, that’s something else we’ve learned this year, is that connection brings healing. Right? When we work together, and we connect with other people, that it’s okay to have our feelings, and it’s okay to talk about our feelings, and it’s okay to ask for help with our feelings.
Um, like Kirk is kind of the only one who is not really scared of Doctor Who. It’s like, for example, I don’t like Doctor Who -- wait, I don’t like the Doctor Who, the TV show, and Kirk doesn’t like the movie, Jurassic Park. I like the movie, Jurassic Park, but Kirk doesn’t like the movie, Doc -- well no, but Kirk doesn’t like the movie, Jurassic Park.
So, one of you can watch Doctor Who and one of you can watch Jurassic Park without getting two scared.
Yeah.
Well, the thing about that I’m actually not scared of Jurassic Park, but it’s just the jump attacks.
Yeah, those jump attacks.
So, like that’s a trigger, right, knowing specifically what it is you’re afraid of? Remember when Papa talked to you about scary movies and the theater, and how they create people -- how they create ways to help you feel things in a movie or in theater?
Yeah.
Because Papa’s a theater man, right? So, he talked to you guys about how they use music and lighting and different camera effects to make you feel different things. So, part of that is understanding in your head what’s actually happening, so that you can think about what’s happening, and that sometimes helps us feel not as afraid, because we actually understand what’s going on. Right? And then the other part of that is kind of knowing our limits of what is -- what you’re okay with or not. Kind of boundaries of I’m okay with this kind of scary movie, but not that kind of scary movie. Right?
Just go back and talk about the triggers. Do you -- in Back to the Future, Marty, he has a trigger, and he doesn’t like when people call him “chicken”.
Right.
Marty?
So, Marty McFly in Back to the Future gets himself in trouble everytime someone calls him “chicken”, but he learns through the movies -- by the end of it -- he learns that that’s a trigger. So, when someone calls him that, he’s able to do something differently. Right?
Like he’s boss who Mr. Needles -- he was in the third movie, and he told Marty McFly, “If you want to race”, Marty Mcfly said -- and he said, “Are you chicken?” So then he started his engine, so we thought he was going to race, but then he like did a loop, because if he would have gone, he would have crashed into a limo.
So, that’s something else we’ve learned this year in 2019, is that we always have a choice. We can’t always choose what other people do to us, or our circumstances that are happening around us, but we can always choose how we respond to them. Right?
We also learned that when people get in trouble, they are already in trouble. Like --
Oh, that they’ve already chosen their consequences, right? Right. Sometimes consequences are because of things we’ve chosen, and that’s hard to deal with, so we can learn and make better choices, but the consequences still play out a little while. So, that’s one reason it takes time to feel better or to do things differently, because consequences are maybe still playing out, even while we are doing better.
Like, when the jump attacks come out in Jurassic Park, it was weird the first time I went, “Woah!” And Kirk went, “Ah!” Wait, not like that.
Just everyone responds differently. Right?
Yeah.
So, let’s go back to topic about how different parts of you work together. Like, for example, Amber really likes to have friends, but she doesn't necessarily like to talk in public. So, how does Amber make friends? Does that mean she doesn’t have friends, and so she just stays sad?
No.
No, she talks with her teacher, or somebody, how to respond to people, to get friends, and she does that, and she gets lots and lots of friends.
Amber, do you like to talk to one person at a time, or lots of people at a time?
[Silence]
Just one person at a time, right? So, part of how she handles that and negotiates that inside -- inside herself -- is by finding a safe way to do what she needs to do, that way she’s still protecting herself and not doing things that make her uncomfortable or aren’t good for her. Right?
Right.
Can you think of any other ways that you negotiate parts of yourself?
Like when we watched Muppets. We’re really scared of Muppets, because it sometimes reminds you of your past.
What do you know about my past?
You got whipped with the belt and a wooden spoon, like the end of the belt where the buckle is, and that’s called abusing a child.
It is called abusing a child.
When your mom died, then you ran to a new -- you ran away to a new family, to find a new family, and you found one.
That was when I was 17, that was before she died.
Well, before she died, you ran away and found a new family, and your family took you back.
Well so --
If you were at the doctor and they looked in your body, not with an x-ray, but they looked to find other things, and it showed all your blood things, or if your hands were bended down, you could see your blood, your red blood tube and your blue blood tube -- if we didn't’ have connections through our blood tubes, and it wasn’t connected to our brain -- if we get hurt, then it wouldn’t send anything to our brain, and our brain wouldn’t know what just happened. So then we wouldn’t know what happened, because our brain is telling us what happens.
So, part of what’s important is listening to both what you think and what you feel. Right?
Yeah.
Is that what you’re saying? So, your brain understands what’s going on, and your heart kind of feels what’s going on, so it’s two different kinds of information. Does that make sense?
So, how would you introduce yourself?
Hi, how are you?
That’s just a greeting of saying “hello” to someone. How would you introduce yourself? Amber.
My name is Amber.
There you go.
Hello, my name is blah blah blah.
Well, nice to meet you blah blah blah.
No, I said blah blah blah at the end, so you wouldn’t -- but I don’t know your name, so then you would say, “Hello, my name is blank, or something.”
Right, fill in the blank with your name?
Yeah, when they don’t know your name.
Anybody else? What part of yourself would be important to introduce to your teachers? What would your teachers need to know that’s important about you?
I don’t like noise.
That you don’t like noise? Okay.
We’re trying to be smart.
That you want to be smart?
Mmhmm.
That I have a problem with my eyes. They don’t work together, so I make sure she understands, right, it takes me a long time.
To see it clearly? What do your teachers need to understand about you?
[Clears throat] Um, I like Trevor.
[Laughs] So, different people like different people. That’s a part of the thing too, right, when you have different parts of yourselves, sometimes you might like something, and another time you might not like something. Okay.
What about at home? What is something people need to know about you at home? How would you introduce yourself?
Um, we go to the bathroom.
Thank you. What part of you is important at home?
Your heart and your thinking and your love for each other and the family.
That’s pretty special. What else?
[Inaudible]
Well, that’s lovely.
Your favorite thing to eat.
Yeah, at home is a place you need to know what you like to eat, right, because you eat a lot at home.
So that they will know what you like to eat, and they will cook it, and make it for you, and then you would eat it, and then you would be, “Oh”...eat it every single day on your plate.
What else do we need to know about each other at home?
What we’re thankful for.
What we’re thankful for.
What time you need to sleep?
When you sleep. So, part of it’s just scheduling, because there’s lots of people sharing a house. So, who gets to do what, when, and how to meet everyone’s needs.
Like, what you like. Like, I like Harry Potter and with Harry Potter, mom finds the stuffies, so I can have the stuffies, so it’s like, “Do you like this stuffy? Do you want this thing? Do you want this and this and this? Do you like this?”
So, preferences, what people like or don’t like.
Um, I really like building stuff sometimes, and my mom -- and she said that she’s basically going to buy me this little house that we can build together.
And then….
[Whispers]
What movies are too scary and movies aren’t.
What things scare you, what things make you sad, what things make you happy.
Well, on my birthday, when I was just -- when I just turned seven, I got to go to a place, and I learned how to build windmills and what they do to those windmills, and also, I got to build bots that would battle.
So, what things are important to you, what you’re able to do, what you want to learn how to do. So, we could say, “Oh, he just always does this, and that’s all he can do” or we can say, “Because he’s good at this, let’s see how we can help him learn to do it better.” Yeah? That’s a lot of working together. What do you think?
When I really like art, you give me more art books, so I can draw better.
[Inaudible]
Using good manners. Good examples. Anything else of that? What does it take, if you have all those parts of yourself -- if you have all those parts of yourself in one body, or all of us in one house, what does it take to live together well?
To -- what we have to do is to live in the house well, is to make sure that we’re taking care of the house and not breaking it.
So --
That was huge.
So, we take care of our house the same way we take care of our body, in that we have to be good stewards, but even though there’s lots of us who share -- and does that sometimes mean taking turns?
[In unison] Yeah.
And Barrett’s right, that sometimes small problems can become big problems, if you don’t take care of it.
And big problems can become huge problems if you’re trying to cover it up and hide it.
So, it’s better to talk about things, right?
And privately and not just keep it in and make sure no one knows about anything.
Right, it’s better if we talk.
I have a friend named Abby, and she is in fifth grade -- my age -- and she keeps secrets all the time. I was like, “How was your day?” and she’s like, “Does it really matter?”...stuff like that.
So, that’s not the same as keeping a secret. That’s more like not knowing how to express your feelings in words. Anything else that is about taking care of all the parts of yourself?
Me! Um, keeping our baby safe if we have a baby.
Keeping our bodies safe, keeping each other safe, keeping baby safe, keeping children safe. Absolutely. So, do the children in our house need to be safe?
Yes!
Yes.
Eating healthy vegetables and fruits.
Yup.
So, putting good things into our bodies, so our bodies are strong and healthy. Is that hard sometimes when everybody in the family likes something else?
Yes. It’s really hard.
So, sometimes you could even think about different parts of yourself as part of the family, of just you. Right? Part of you may just want popcorn for supper, but another part of you knows you need an actual supper that nourishes you. So, you could negotiate that by eating your supper first, and then we have popcorn. But does that mean we have popcorn every night?
No.
No, right. But do we only have vegetables every night?
No.
No, we have fun foods too, right? And we even can make vegetables fun.
Yeah, it would be very, very funny if one time --
Like a vegetable cake. Right Barrett?
We did make a vegetable cake. [Laughs]
Yeah, we did.
Keep going, keep going, Barrett.
And a different time that we could smoosh and tear up popcorn into little tiny pieces, and then make mashed potatoes and make our food. And then stuff the popcorn into the food, so then when we eat, we’re having dessert and dinner. We’re having something that nourishes us, something that we like, all at one meal.
You are definitely a boy full of ideas.
What?
Did you have something?
I just eat and eat and eat and eat and eat.
Oh, that’s all? [Laughs] You’re just full, because you get to eat so much?
Until I’m full, because yeah.
But, that’s an important thing. What you’re saying is really important, because that’s part of meeting needs. And especially like going back to triggers, especially when some of you didn’t get food all the time before you came to live with us, even now, making sure that you get regular foods, at regular times, is really important.
And sometimes even at night we need a snack.
So, 2019 was a big year. We started out 2019 with those people coming to our house to make sure you were safe. Do you remember that?
Uh, no.
And it was fine, so she left. Do you remember that?
Yeah.
And everything was fine so she left, and that was not a big deal. And then we had birthdays, and we had surgeries, and hospital visits, and we had Africa, and we learned so many different things, and we went so many different places.
We went --
We finished your first year at public school, and started another year at public school. We had deaf camp. We had so many adventures, so many adventures. What was your -- what I want to know from everyone is what was your favorite part of 2019?
Deaf camp.
Deaf camp!
And Africa.
And Africa. Africa was amazing, right?
When we got to move here, we didn’t know everyone was watching us, and came. It just started out with one family. And we’re like, “Thank you for helping us.” And then another family came, and then another one, and so there was a huge group of people.
People that just move in?
I need a new friend.
So, part of 2019 was absolutely making friends. We had a hard time with friends this year, but the ones we ended the year with are amazing. We did a good job, you guys, all of us finding friends.
Um, hmm.
What is your favorite part of 2019?
Getting to spend time during the summer time. Yes.
You like being home, don’t you? That’s good. I like spending time with you. What was your favorite part of 2019?
When we got to go to The Fritz, this place where they dropped your food from a train.
Oh, so going out to eat was your favorite part of 2019? Nice! What was your favorite part of 2019?
Um, public school.
School? So, he likes school a lot. That’s his favorite thing, and getting to be at public school instead of homeschool, because everybody was sick, so that’s better. What was your favorite part of 2019?
Um, lunch.
[Laugh] Lunch. Everybody’s hungry.
Um, my favorite part is having a hot bath.
Nice, those are your favorite things to do. Okay, last question, last question. What do you hope and want out of the new year?
Me!
We’re getting ready to start a new year. What do you hope happens?
Um --
Just to get higher grades.
Okay, that’s a goal.
Um --
Kirk, what do you want out of 2020?
Uh, stop getting a “PN” in my grades. P is personal progress needed, which means if --
Oh, so getting frustrated by pressure from school?
Yeah.
Okay. Let me ask the question a different way. When you start working together with all those parts of yourself differently, and doing all the things we’ve talked about, like meeting needs, and thinking about what’s going on, and feeling feelings, and expressing them in healthy ways that are safe, so that all of you has what you need, and is functioning well everyday -- part of what happens is that you grow up a little bit. And that you sort of become more of who you already were. Does that make sense?
So, in 2020, you’re going to be growing up. The little kids are going to be the big kids. The big kids are going to be middle school kids. That’s a lot of growing up that’s happening. You will be in kindergarten. So, that’s a lot of growing up.
What do you want to do for yourself that you want out of 2020 that is not about performance, not just like better grades, but about who you want to be? Who do you want to be in 2020?
Um, work harder in school.
You want to work harder in school? What do you want to do next year?
Uh, like an extra at school or something?
No, who do you want to be?
Um…
Like kind, good, gentle. What is your goal for next year?
All of those.
Pick one.
Gentle.
You want to be gentle.
Um, I want to become a better sister.
You want to be a better sister.
Good and kind.
You want to be good and kind.
I want to be helpful.
I want to be a baby.
Go back to the future then.
I want to be a baby.
You want to follow directions?
I need to be something. I want to be a pizza.
You want to be a pizza? [Laughs]
[Laughs in unison]
A pizza is a fun example, because on a pizza, there’s all the different parts. There’s the crust, there’s the cheese, there’s the sauce, there’s the pepperoni, there’s the ham, there’s the pineapple, whatever kind of pizza you like, it has all those different parts. You just enjoy the whole thing, right?
If you don’t have the right ingredients, like in school, when you don’t get enough grades, and you don’t have enough ingredients, to make a pizza, then you won’t --
So, like the pizza, you need all of yourselves, all of who you are, you need to work together, and every bit of you have permission to get what it needs in healthy and good ways, so that you can be who you are.
Um, so there’s a pizza saying. When we’re helpful, kind, or do good, we’re actually adding more ingredients to our pizza.
Make it yummier!
There you go. So, making the life, what you want your life to be like -- so, you’re saying -- you’re telling me that the more that you work together, with all of who you are, to have your needs met, and to think well about the choices you want to make, and to feel the feelings you have to feel, you sort of empower yourselves to become who you want to be.
And I have an idea. I’m not sure it would work. Maybe the next -- the coming up year, if we’re good for an entire year, we could have a pizza party at the end of the year.
We have pizza parties anyway.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because you are human and you have the right to have food and pizza and parties.
Yeah.
Because all of those things meet the different needs of the different parts of who you are. Right? Does that make sense? Can you have parties all the time?
No!
No. Can you have pizza all the time?
No!
It’s not healthy.
Do you have to be good all the time?
Yes.
No!
So, all of that has to balance. There’s times to play really hard outside and times to be good. There’s times to eat salad and times to eat pizza. There’s times to have parties and there’s time to do homework.
Ugh.
But all of it is in balance, as all parts of ourselves.
I like salad.
I like --
We do like salad in our family.
It has quite the taste.
I like donuts and spaghetti and pepperoni.
Here we go again!
[Laughs] She’s just still hungry.
And juice and fruit.
Anything else anyone can think of?
Okay, what’s a song we can sing to finish? Alex?
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!
Um, Sing Your Way Home.
Okay.
[Singing in unison]
#Sing your way home at the close of the day.
Sing your way home; drive the shadows away.
Smile every mile, for wherever you roam.
It will brighten your road, it will lighten your load
As you sing your way home.#
Say, “Happy New Year!”
[In unison] Happy New Year!
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