Transcript: Episode 138
138. Changing Teams
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
I am not talk on the podcast for a very long time, and I did not know if it’s safe to talk on the podcast, or it’s not safe to talk on the podcast. And, I did not know about if we are making friends or not having friends, but we do have friends. And, I did not know about what Taylor is doing at the fall, and about some things we have to write about in the notebook. And, sometimes, I don’t understand what is happening for some of them working together, and talking, and it’s like there’s new people, except there’s not new people. It’s just, like, all mixed like a snow cone.
I don’t know how to tell you of it. And, well, the truth of it is two things. There’s two things the truth of it, and one of it that is the truth of it, is about that if we’re going to talk about hard things, then well, that’s hard. That’s what it is, it’s hard. And two, two is if -- well, I don’t want to talk about two. But, there’s a problem, that is not a problem, except it is a problem. And, I don’t know how to talk about it, or tell nobody of it. But, if you think about it, then sometimes we have lots of us in here, many of us, for helping different things. And, I help keep them safe, but also is the problem for when everything starts to be safe, because I don’t know how safe I’m noticing.
But, if you have a hard time, and you are alone, and nobody does help you, that’s different than when it’s memory time, but now time is safe. And, if you’ve got friends who are safe ones, and know everybody, and they’re still there, and they’re still safe ones - they don’t leave you, they don’t change their minds. And, well, I think I’m really trying to tell you something, but I don’t know how to tell you. It’s hard to put my words at it. If you have somebody, like, somebody there for helping, because you’re all alone, and you don’t got nobody, but then everything is not really a problem anymore, because you are safe, in now time you are safe.
And, you start to have people for friends and on your side and helping. And, they say, “I’m cheering you on”, and they let you tell them things. And, then you got a therapist and another therapist. And, if you got all of that, and there’s outside people helping you -- well, I’m really have a hard time, but it’s important. It’s really important. I’m trying to talk about it, but I don’t have words of it. If in memory time, a long time ago at memory time, if it was not safe, and you had nobody, then you can have inside people helping you, okay? But, if you are safe in now time, and there’s lots of people on the outside who are safe, and helping you, and they love you, and they get you salsa, and they come visit you, and they say you can know where they are, and you can talk to them, and they’re still there, and even if you go across a world, they don’t forget about you -- well, if you got all those outside people, and you’re not by yourself anymore, and now time is safe, well then, sometimes you don’t need so much of inside people the same way. And then, inside people start working together, because they know how to get it done, and they know how to keep things safe.
But, then you are safe on the inside and the outside. I just -- it always gives me a headache. I don’t even know how to tell you about it. I don’t understand. It’s not a bad thing. There’s no problems. I’m not complaining. I got no complaints, zero complaints. I’m zero mad, but I’m nothing. I just mean before, if there’s a big problem, we can get a new person to help us, but now, there’s no problems, and less people are already helping us. So, it’s a little like some people working together.
If this one is just by herself, and she just only is married to The Husband -- he’s a crazy fellow. He’s so funny. If she just marry him, and we don’t know about being married, and we need her to be the one to get married, so we just make her, she’s just new. And, then we get married, and then everything is still safe and okay. But, then Em, she’s got all that work to do for the kids, the outside kids, and she’s got to be cooking and cleaning, and she’s all sad, because the parents are dead. And, all these problems…so she’s all by herself.
But, then what happens, if we got lots of people helping, and now time is safe, and we’re not scared about getting married, and we been married in memory time, because I remember it yesterday, so that’s memory time. And, also if we have lots of friends who know what it’s like to have sick kids or a lot of kids or just having kids, and they are just so nice to you and helping -- well, then we don’t got to feel all sad by yourself. And, what if instead of having her by herself and her by herself, then they just work together like one team.
If you have a football team, and there’s no quarterback, you’re not going to win any games ever. And if it’s [inaudible] and OU is going to beat OSU, that’s bad news. That’s really bad news, because you want the cowboys to win, OSU, you want the cowboys for Oklahoma State University football. But then this year, if we have quarterback, and we have somebody who can kick, and we have some people who can run, and are good with stuff, and we have a good football team, except then they beat us, because I was left the country. If those girls did not make me leave the country, we would not lose our football game, because if I was here watching the football game, we would win our football game. So, that’s the girl's fault for leaving the country while I’m trying to watch football. They don’t even have football there. They’re just blowing things up, I saw.
I don’t want to talk about that. What I’m trying to say is if you can’t be a football team all by yourself, you got to have other people on your football team. But, also, if you have one football team, there’s two parts to your football team, because your football team has offense and a defense, and sometimes they got to be taking turns. Sometimes you have to be on the offense, and sometimes you have to be on the defense, but you need them be good people, working hard on their parts, or you’re not going to win your football game.
But, if you just think one part only, can’t play a whole football game by himselves. They got to have the other part of football game. Also, I want to call the therapist and tell her this right now, my real therapist, I got to tell her, because she needs to know about this. She knows about football, and I just finally figured out words to tell you about it. What I’m trying to say…they’re working together like one team, and nobody’s losing any time. Those two are just knowing what’s happening, and they don’t even need me to take care of them, and if I just got to know if those little girls are need my help, but they got Molly. And, everybody’s just taking care of everything, and I don’t even have permission for -- I don’t need to do nothing, because everything is okay.
But, we just be one team. Those two, and now, I don’t see two. I can’t see offense and defense. I only see one. I just one Emma. And, even when we were sad for leaving the therapist, and we had to break up with her, and we don’t get to see her anymore, something, but we don’t really break up with her, because we love her, always. She’s my buddy, she said so, and I know it. Now time is safe, I know it. But, even when it was hard, and she was lonely and missing be at home, or when we had hard things happen on our trip, even then, Emma just can handle it.
And Em, who is always upset, or cranky, or sad about things, or dead parents, or something -- well, she just thinks she’s feeling better. And then Em and Emma just be on the same team. But, I just see one of them at the same time. But, they say they’re still there, that she knows, she remembers, she didn’t forget, it’s not something new. But, I don’t know how she do that. I don’t know what to think about it. But, I just feel like it’s the same team.
So, there was three Emma’s and just one Emma, and then there was Em still there, but now it’s just Emma, with Em there, except Emma’s better, and Emma remembers it. I don’t even know what’s my gameplan anymore, except that I’m okay with everything being okay, because that was my biggest mission, was keep them girls safe. Now time is safe, even though it’s snowing again. There’s snow up to my knee balls. Everything’s just cold and crunchy and slippery, but the kids are playing a little bit, and I can talk on the podcast. I just want to figure out what I’m thinking, if I’m using my thinking head, and try and find my words and talk about it. But, now there’s a new therapist, and I just feel shy of it. She don’t know about football.
If I look at the outside kids, I can count them, one, two, three, four, five, six. But, altogether, it’s just one family. That new therapist said, she said, “How’s your family doing, your inside family? As in I’m not family?” I worked hard to get away from family. I don’t know what she’s talking about, except I got to see my therapist, my buddy therapist, and she said I got to talk to the new lady. She said it’s okay, but I don’t want to talk to the new lady, when I want to talk to mine.
But, she said I got to talk to her. She says it’s a good thing. She says she’d cheer me on. But, it feels hard, like a hard thing. I can be sad and I miss her. And, we don’t know about talking to somebody else. Sometimes, if they talk to the new therapist, sometimes it hurts my feelings, like they’re playing on the wrong team. Right now, instead of being on my team with the my therapist, now they’re on OU instead, I don’t want them to be on OU, they should stay on OSU. OSU’s our real team.
So, I don’t know why we’re talking to the wrong team. That’s not even nice. But also, we done so much talking on the podcast, and then therapy, and the notebooks -- maybe we shouldn’t be talking, we shouldn’t have started talking, except I know that’s going backwards, but sometimes I have those feelings. Sometimes my feelings are big. Sometimes my feelings are lying to me. But, I want to talk to my other therapist. I don’t know about talking to the new therapist.
But, my therapist, she brought us our map and our squares for to give to the new therapist. She said we got to talk to her. She said it’s okay. But, I don’t know if it feels okay yet. Except, nobody ever got better before. If Em is feeling better, and Emma’s feeling better, because now Emma’s stronger like Em, but Em’s not a crybaby like before, but now Emma can cry, when she could not cry before. Now Emma can cry, but she’s not all depressed like before, but Em is not all cranky or sad like before. And they can do more work, and everybody help different, inside and outside. So, she’s not so overwhelmed. We can take better care of ourself, all of us, everybody together, because we’re working together, you know, that’s part of NTIS - now time is safe.
Because, it’s not good if anybody’s too hard on another body, because it doesn’t feel safe. Everybody’s got to feel safe, even if you get a new therapist. So, she met us and gave us a map, and all our squares in what we tell about the map. I don’t want to talk about that. I didn’t tell about that on the podcast, but it has everybody’s names on it. But now, because I cut them into squares, the names, and now I got to glue some together, because there were two pieces -- one says Em and one says Em -- and now I just got to glue them together to make one piece. Because, I just see one, but they're there. I’m not scared about it or sad about it, I just didn’t know how it could happen.
And, sometimes, I’m just not -- she don’t need me like before, the same. And, this, when we change our therapist, and all the outside kids have what they need, and we got a job, and we’re doing good, and Dr. E’s working, and everything’s working good -- well, things settle down a whole lot, and now time is extra safe. Then we got friends, they’re really nice. I’d tell you about them, but that’s not anybody’s business.
We like them a lot, and I was like, and I just like them a lot, and she mailed me some popcorn. I like popcorn. I can share with the outside kids. I don’t like sharing. I like sharing, I’m just kidding, because I want all the popcorn.
But, everything’s changing a little bit, if we’re going to be talking about hard things, and not just talking about who’s here. But, the therapist, she told me we got to talk to the new therapist, and she told us it will not take years. I heard her tell her that. She said it will not take years and years, forever. It will get better, even if it gets messy first. I’m pretty messy. I don’t know about you. I try not being messy, because I know we got to work together for NTIS.
But, also, it sometimes feel like everything’s changing, and I don’t know what’s happening, except I know a lot, but now everybody’s talking about it. So, how can I even spy on anything, if everybody’s talking about it already?
You know what I saw at the park? I saw a pickup driving their dog. Like, they were walking their dog, but they were driving their pickup truck, and the dog was running next to it. And I thought, Listen buddy, I hope you can’t walk, because what it looks like you’re just a big, old chicken, because you’re cold. And, that may look all funny and good until you run over your dog. So, I watch him to make sure he didn’t run over his dog, because even for dogs, NTIS - now time is safe.
So, maybe everything’s gone okay so far, but I don’t know what to do about everything that’ll happen next. Because, what’s going to happen next ain’t never happened before.
[Break]
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