Transcript: Episode 145
145. Turn It Off
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Let’s talk for a minute about what to do when you’re in crisis, because that’s just happened to us earlier this week. We were letting Kassi, with Taylor nearby record a podcast that we thought was sort of going to be a little bit of a rant and help her as she explored friendship. But, things got triggered as she began to talk, and it went in a completely different and unexpected direction. We had to talk about it, and take a vote about whether to leave the podcast as it is and let it be uploaded and share it, or not. It’s very triggering emotionally, just because of its intensity, and there’s some reference to outside kids triggering things from the past at those ages, which we didn’t even know was a thing. So, we’ll learn more about that later and share, but have that as a trigger warning, because it is a very emotionally intense episode.
It’s also one in which we identify anger for the first time as actually one of the feelings that we’ve been having in response to starting to look at actual specific trauma. No specific memories are disclosed in this episode, but it is emotionally intense, and there was switching by the end of it. But, because it was an authentic experience, and so common to so many of us, we decided to go ahead and stay with the vulnerability and let it stay up, in case it’s helpful to someone else. But, please take care of yourself while you’re listening, and after listening.
And, just so you know that we’re okay. After this episode, we were able to not only connect with the therapist and a friend, as well as The Husband once he returned home, we also did some journaling, and some coloring, and some artwork to help continue to process some of those feelings. And, we had therapy with the new therapist the next day. So, we wanted to reassure you that everyone is okay, and we use coping skills like we’re learning, but that doesn’t make therapy pleasant, and it doesn't make it easy, and it was just another reminder that even though we sometimes have fun on the podcast, and there are always lots of adventures to have with DID, it’s also intensely brutal and really emotionally difficult, because of the traumas of the past.
So, talk with your therapist about grounding skills, and coping skills, and whatever you need to do to help yourself feel safe when it’s really, really hard, or emotionally intense. Even once we were settled down, and feeling a little better after this, we still had to use a sharpie to write NTIS on our hand, just to feel better for the next day or so. We also made sure that stuffies were available, and paid extra attention that we were eating enough, and doing what anyone inside needed to feel safe and comfortable, while we start to process hard things in new ways.
Healing is happening, but it doesn't always feel better at first. Sometimes it even feels worse. So, this episode is pretty real in that way, but we wanted you to know that we’re okay, and that you’re okay today, even when it’s hard.
[Break]
I don’t know why sometimes it feels like everything is going just fine, and maybe even better than it’s ever been before, and then it all just falls apart. Like, what is wrong with me that we can’t just hang onto it, or maintain some kind of stability when nothing is actually wrong? Like, everything is fine. I have been in hellish relationships, and horrible things with dating, or living with someone so that I spent all night crying. That’s not what life is like now. We have a husband who is good and kind and doesn’t touch us without permission, and does not invade us, and isn’t intrusive, and gives us our space, and lets us be who we are, whoever that is at any given moment, and just flows with everything. He’s funny, and he’s kind, and nothing is wrong. Everything is okay.
We have lost children, and we have grieved children, and we waited for children, and now our house is stinking full of them. And, they’re fine, everything’s okay. We spent time waiting for our youngest daughter to be healthy, and she’s doing great right now. Everything is fine. We’re even working again, and we just talked about that, I know that we did, I heard it. I know she even sent in an application to go back to working in the ER again, because people don’t understand DID in the ER, people don’t understand trauma. They need us there. So, we could do that, even if it’s part time, when we’re in the states, to try and feed all these children that keep being home for snow days.
But, my point is, like, everything is actually okay. And then, we even -- we’re even making connections with people professionally, who are good at what they do, but still know about us, but don’t shame us for the struggle of it. And, we have friends for the first time. I don’t know what to do with that. And, they’re four hours away. So, in some ways it’s good, because we can’t mess that up very easily, but also now it’s hard, because we have friends, and now we moved, finally. Except we did that right too, because we’re with our family, and not running away. So, that’s the healthy thing. So, why is it hard if it’s the right thing, and it’s healthy?
And, we worked for decades, literally decades, to find a good therapist, to find the right therapist, and then we got a good one who was amazing, and we adore her, but now we moved, and we can’t go there anymore. Except even then, we know she’s not going anywhere. We haven’t been abandoned by her. We’re the ones who left. That was classic, like the most severe and significant self-harm we ever did, simply by leaving a good therapist, like what is that, sabotage? Except it wasn’t, because in this case we really had to. It was the right thing to do. But, it was terrifying.
It’s just been really, really hard, except also, we weren’t just jumping ship and quitting therapy. We did that right too. We had the family therapist. All the children just line up like little ducks and go in and out of her office. Like, we have to have a four hour block just to deal with our giant family. And, she’s kind and funny and tolerates us. I don’t know how. I can’t tolerate us. And then, because it’s hard to get in, or always talk about kid things, we still were trying to follow up, and so interviewed other therapists that now we got referrals on, finally, for local people we could maybe see - someone here in the Kansas City area. And, interviewed a couple and tried out a couple.
And so, like, right when everything should be hard, even that’s not hard, because now, sometimes we have three therapists, plus one online, because we’re always traveling out of the country, or when we can’t make appointments. So, we finally found a decent one online. So, that’s like four therapists. Like, how many therapists do you need? Could you have any more support? Could you be in any more therapy? Thank you, Chandler Bing.
So now, all the sudden, what the problem is, is that nothing is actually wrong. There’s literally nothing left to complain about. There’s literally nothing left that we need, because we have never, ever, in our whole entire existence, been as surrounded by support, and as well cared for, as we are now. And, I don’t just mean that selfishly, like, it’s our work too, we’re working hard to love The Husband well, and we’re working hard to care for the children well. And, we’re working hard to learn how to be a friend, even though we’re a complete disaster. They love us anyway, so what am I supposed to do with that? I don’t know.
So, today, I’m completely freaking out. Like, nothing is actually wrong. I understand that in my head. Cognitively, I understand nothing is actually wrong, and yet I have cried all morning like a crazy person, because I am one. Because, what happens when you stop running? What happens when other people stay so long and so for real that you have to stay too? What happens when it turns out that now time really is safe, and there’s nothing left to hide from, or to be afraid of, or to run from? Where do you go when you don’t need to leave? How do you talk to someone when there’s nothing to defend yourself about, because everything is okay?
I saw something online, and I don’t know where it came from, and so I’m sorry, because I don’t have a good quote or whatever. But, that’s not my thing, and I don’t know where it came from, and so I don’t understand. I think it was just a meme or something. But, what it said on the quote was about how when people are abused for a long time, like, when you’re growing up abused all the time, the only time you are safe was when you were alone, because it meant the abuse stopped, like, they were gone, or they weren’t touching you right then, or whatever. Whatever it was, it was stopped for that minute. And, so, like, how we do that without even realizing that, of just isolating ourselves, because we associate being alone with being safe, even when the people around us are good people, and kind people, and they care.
And, I really, really, really don’t want to mess that up. I don’t want to mess up the marriage. Nothing’s happening, you guys, I’m just freaking out. Everything is fine. I don’t want to mess up parenting. I don’t want to mess up my friendships. They’re so new, and they’re so sacred, and I don’t want to taint them. I don’t want to mess them up. It’s almost like this panic that everything is going to be taken away, because it’s finally good. You know, and it’s like when you can finally believe that everything’s okay, and that you’re safe, and as soon as you start to settle in, they take you away, and send you back. It’s that, waiting for that other shoe to drop. How do you turn that off? Because, it haunts me, and it should be a good day, because nothing is actually wrong, and so why am I crazy?
I know why…it has something to do with the amygdala and hippocampus, but I can’t even explain that, and I don’t know what it means or what it has to do with me. But, don’t ask questions that you don’t want answers to when everyone’s communicating. [Sniffles] I don’t need to know about the brain. I need to just not be crazy.
And, we had a weird thing happen where we were just playing with the youngest daughter -- I don’t want to say who, because I don’t have permission to say who -- it wasn’t me, but I know what happened -- but, we were playing with the youngest daughter, and then totally had this flashback to when our niece lived with us, years ago. And, that was right before the mother was killed, and the parents died, and so she lived with us. And then when the father died, and the mother was killed, she went back to live with her parents, with the brother. And, it was like all of a sudden -- it was something our daughter did. Like, she laughed a certain way, or something, when we were playing with her, and it was like all the sudden we thought she was our niece. It was very confusing. That’s not ever happened before.
And, we just melted down, like, she was okay. We handled ourselves fine. Like, we took care of her, and we got her to school, and then just lost it when we got back in the van, because there was something -- I don’t understand how it changed. It was like it was the niece, it wasn’t her. Except, I know it was her, and I know that that’s called a flashback, but I couldn’t make it stop. And, so, then there was like this dominos into this panic feeling of -- because the niece was taken away, and then our daughter’s going to be taken away. And, I know that’s not true. Like, it doesn’t make any sense cognitively, but that was the feeling. And then that triggered this big, big thing of because she’s four, almost five, which was a significant age to us, and we realized then -- and, it was like somehow her age became a trigger, and so then we started thinking about that. Like, is that a possible thing? Can your own child’s ages be a trigger? How is that possible? That’s not even a sensory input, so I don’t understand if it counts or what happened, but then we started thinking about the twins, and they are seven, turning eight, which was another significant age.
And, so, then all those feelings just escalated. And then we started thinking about our triplets, and they are turning 12, and that is, like, like that is the worst -- I can’t, and I don’t know how to turn it off. [Crying] And, I don’t want to be crazy. And, everything’s okay. Now time is safe, now time is safe, now time is safe. I know. I know everything’s okay. Everything’s okay. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s happening. It’s too big, and I don’t know how to make it stop. And, I can’t tell anyone, because I want everyone to think everything’s okay, because I don’t want to worry them.
The Husband thinks we’re doing well, and we are. We are. We’re doing fine. I can’t tell the therapist, because it’s not her problem anymore. [Sniffles] I can’t tell our friends, because they’re four hours away, and I don’t mean to make them worry, and so much is always happening with our family. I can’t just complain about stuff all the time. That’s not the kind of person I want to be, and I don’t mean to bring them down, or that be the kind of friendship. Like, I’m not that kind of drama person. And, so, now it’s coming out here, where everyone’s going to hear it anyway, and I’ll just be in trouble for it.
But, it’s how the words finally come out. I don’t know why. This is what works for us now, but we’ve learned, and I don’t know how else to describe it. And, I know that when we feel most isolated is when we need to reach out. But, that’s also when it’s hardest and scariest.
[Cries quietly]
And, it all is coming at once, and I don’t want to know, and I don’t want to remember, and I want to make it stop. [Cries] I want to turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off. [Sniffles] I can’t. I can’t do this. It’s too hard.
Why do you have to work this hard just to feel safe enough to be able to make everything feel unsafe, because you have to do hard work about what wasn’t safe? That’s not fair. It’s not fair. [Cries] It makes me so angry. It’s like then they did all of those things in memory time, and now they get to steal now time just keeps getting rubbed in by all of memory time, because everytime I’m finally safe enough, and feel good enough, then stuff starts coming up, because it’s finally safe enough for it to come up. And, it just ruins everything. I just want to be a normal person. [Sniffles]
[Cries]
I hate this. I hate therapy. I hate what’s wrong with me. I hate them. I hate that they did this to us. Make it stop. Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. [Sniffles] [Cries]
[Mumbles] This is my office, you are safe. This is my office, you are safe. This is my office, you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. This is my office, and you are safe. Now time is safe - NTIS. [Inaudible mumbling while crying] [Sniffles]
[Silence]
[Cries quietly] I just want to be better. I just want to be okay.
[Silence for approximately 45 seconds]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.