Transcript: Episode 19
Unboxing Ourselves
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
So, the last thing we were sharing was about learning about internal worlds and not just that that’s a thing, but that we have power to make changes in our internal world or internal landscape. So, one of the things that we talked about was putting in a bell and what I mean by that is in our particular internal world, there’s sort of a farm setting, because that’s where we grew up. But, across the pasture is a safe house, that was a safe house for us when we were little and we’re trying to kind of keep that a safe house, right?
But, on the porch is a bell and that’s where she used to ring the bell to call her husband in from the field, like for dinner. And so I thought, what if we put a bell in the pasture or in other places to sort of say, this is a safe place to gather or to sort of lead the way to the safe house. Like, we are not so far advanced yet that we can just go in rescuing people. But, we’re getting closer to that and we’re trying to start recognizing where people are and what’s going on. And so, that was the bell idea.
So, one thing I talked about in the last podcast with the bell idea was that we had to be careful with things like that because what if something triggered someone else that we didn’t know was a triggering thing for them. And so we want to be sure that any changes we do within our internal world, like inside on the landscape is okay with everybody. And so we do need to talk to everybody as much as we can, which is really hard for us because we’re new to being able to do that.
But, double checking that everything is okay and getting feedback in the ways that you can is really helpful. So, one of the things that we got feedback about was that while the bell, for us, for our system, is not necessarily a particular trigger. It may be that not everybody inside knows they can hear a bell. So, the reason for that is because the body is actually deaf. We have cochlear implants, which means that we can hear pretty well now one on one. It means we can do things like a podcast, but it also means that there are younger ones that don’t know yet that we can hear or how to hear with the cochlear implants.
And so we also need, besides the bell, even though that’s an okay idea, we also need something visual for our system. So, after group the other day, when we had learned about all of this, one of the ideas that we had was Christmas lights or Holiday lights or whichever way you want to say it. For us Christmas is less triggering than the other. But, our therapist in a session a while back, helped put Christmas lights in one of the rooms for one of the littles who did not want to be left alone in the dark. So, we’re trying to get her out of that room, but even while we’re still doing the work of learning how to do that, we can at least make her feel more safe and comfortable and less alone. And so we put these Christmas lights up. We hung them up in her room so that she would remember that the therapist is real, so that she would know now time is safe, and so that we could find her again and all these different pieces for the reason that was helpful, right?
So, John had the idea of what if we put up more Christmas lights in other places? And then he took a step further, because he saw the movie, A Quiet Place, with the husband. And, I don’t know if you’ve seen that movie or not and I’m not trying to trigger anybody or give away the movie. But, the movie has in it, it’s kind of a scary movie but we thought it was super fun, but the movie has, the main character is a girl with cochlear implants. And for different reasons, you’ll just have to watch the movie, but for different reasons, the family has on their land a system of Christmas lights that are all connected all around the property.
And so we thought, what if we did a similar thing as in that movie and it could work for us sort of as a warning system the way it does in the movie? So, when there’s danger or a threat or someone needs help, those lights could turn red. And when the therapist is helping or available or talking to us or people need to pay attention if they can or want to, then they turn white.
So, this is one thing that we’ve been working on. It’s not finished yet, but we’re getting it set up. It’s kind of cool so far and I think it’s going to be really cool. I think it’s going to be a really good thing, but it’s a lot harder work than I thought. And, I feel silly saying that out loud because it seems like such a small thing, like such a tiny thing. But, it’s really kind of a big deal and it’s kind of hard work and we kind of have to go to some creepy places to get the lights installed. And like, how does that work? Because I thought it was just all my imagination, but also it’s bigger than that and it’s more than that and I really do not have the vocabulary or experience to explain it more than that.
But, that’s what we’ve been working on this week. So, we’re working on getting this Christmas light system set up, both for warnings and for help, for knowing when to listen to our therapist and things like that. That’s kind of exciting and I’m glad we have a lot to do because it’s about to snow here again all weekend. Which means we’re going to miss another session on Monday. So, it’s super frustrating because we keep missing sessions because of the weather. As you guys know, our therapist lives four hours away and so it takes an entire day to get there and we get two hours for a session, which is amazing. And then we have to drive four hours home again and so it’s a big deal and we’re on the road a lot, so we can’t go if the road’s not safe. And also, it’s a trigger for us because the mother…..because that’s how the mother died.
So, we are really careful about being on the road and traveling. That means we’re going to miss therapy this week which is not cool at all. But also, maybe cool, because we’re kind of in an intense and vulnerable space and feeling a little bit scared of therapy all of the sudden. Which is a new feeling and I’m not sure what that’s about and I don’t know whether to explore that more or just let it be or to tell her or not tell her. But, I feel like because there’s been a lot happening the last couple of weeks, we should totally just retreat and leave her alone because we need her long term. I don’t want to burn her out now.
So, there’s that. The other big piece we’ve been working on because of learning from this group we’re doing, about the need to communicate with each other and find ways to figure out how to communicate and at least meet each other and try to find each other a little bit inside. Which, again, at least from my perspective, discovering the whole internal world thing, has for the first time kind of even made that possible. Like, I don’t know how to do it yet. I don’t know where everybody is yet, but at least the concept is there and I’m trying to figure it out.
So, one thing we did was start another notebook. Those of you who listen, know that we already just use regular notebooks, like spiral notebooks because we just have so much to get out. And so, we fill up one or two of those a week for therapy already anyway. And then, we leave them with her and she reads them and we get a new notebook and write again and fill up another one.
So, while we’re continuing to use the notebooks for our journaling, we also got an additional notebook that is for a specific project this time. Now, this is the first time we’ve tried this, so I don’t know how it’s going to go. And also, please keep in mind that this isn’t something we accomplished in forty minutes to do a podcast. Like, we have been working up towards this for a whole year or really twenty years, depending on how you look at things and it’s been a very intense week.
While we’ve been in this group and while we’re learning about the internal world and so even just what we’ve done so far has taken all week to write out, but a whole year or twenty to prepare. So, I’m not saying that it’s that easy to get started, but we’re finally at least to this place and have made it this far. And I want to share what we’ve done.
So, one of the big things that’s important for us, if you’ve heard the podcast that John has done talking about NTIS, which stands for Now Time Is Safe. So now in the present, we are safe. Memory time, which is in the past, may not have been safe. And it may even feel like the present because there are some people who are still stuck in time, but as we become more present with our presence, which we learned from group today, then we get more connected to what the now time is and get more of us connected to now time.
But for us it’s still new and we’re still trying hard and we need that reminder. So, we often have to write NTIS on our hand or in our notebook or as reminders around the place to keep that in mind.
So, at the top of the first page of the notebook, the new notebook that’s for this communication exercise, we wrote specifically NTIS in big, bold letters. I’ll put a picture of it on the blog.
And then, we wrote it out, now time is safe, and then to be sure that anyone who saw this understood what was going on, we wrote a little bit of an introduction about our surroundings and our context in the present. Now, this is an idea we actually got from one Sarah Clark’s videos on Power to the Plurals. And if I could find that video on her channel again, I will link to it, but I honestly don’t have any idea what it was called. So, I don’t know if I can find it. I will try and ask them and see if they can tell me what the link is.
But, specifically, it’s writing at the beginning of the journal, whether you’re doing bullet journaling or a different exercise like this is or any other kind, of including a front page that anyone can easily see, just to orient them a little bit. So, this says, “Hello, this notebook is to get to know each other a bit. You can still write all you want in the other notebooks. If you are new or learning, we are safe. The parents are dead. We live in a safe place. The husband is safe. The children we have are safe and we talk to our therapist and she is safe. You can text her or email or write and then her contact information is there.”
And then, the next page is like a questionnaire. It’s basically like I’m wanting to interview some of them in a nonintrusive, no pressure, kind of way and on paper. So, that anyone who wanted to reply could do so in their own way, in their own time.
So, mine has 14 questions I thought of, just as a starting place and it says:
I ask about the name and the age.
Where do you live?
Can you see the rest of us?
Can you hear the rest of us?
Who do you already know inside?
Who can you talk to inside?
Who talks to you?
Have you met or seen the therapist?
Have you talked to the therapist or wanted to talk to the therapist?
What do you like or not like?
What do you need?
What helps you feel safe?
What do you want us to know about you?
Is there anything else we need to know?
Is there anything you’re afraid of?
So, basically it is 14 questions and then we left it with pages in between each person’s answer so that if we need to write or converse at all or if someone wants to go back and add something later, there’s room to do that. So, when I turn the page, there’s one more sort of informational sheet with a few pages to add as we go over time and it says, “Things we all need to know.” And then again, the first thing is now time is safe and it says memory time is in the past, it is not happening now. Not time is safe. Our new house is safe. The husband is safe. The therapist is safe. The children are safe, meaning the outside kids, and everybody's names and phone numbers are listed there. Well, not the children, they don’t have phones yet.
And then the next thing it says is, the mother and father are dead. If you hear or see them, it is memory time. They cannot get to us in now time, they are gone, they are dead. And then we wrote that anyone can talk to the therapist and anyone can write in the notebooks.
Oh, interesting, and then here someone has added...oh, interesting, I never would have thought of this.
So, someone has added that the therapist is really safe, but if you are in her office you will sometimes hear sounds outside the door. Don’t be scared. The receptionist has to sometimes make her lunch or do filing work, but she’s really very nice and our friend. There are also other people who come to other offices in the same office building.
So, I guess just reminding us, because we could startle or get triggered from hearing those sounds I guess. So, somebody knew that someone needed to know that. So, that’s cool. I didn’t even know that was in there.
Okay, so then the first entry that we actually got is from the Good Doctor and she writes her name and she says she’s 36 years old, and then she answered the questions. Like number one through fourteen. So that’s kind of cool. Let’s look.
It says, number one, inside, I live in library in the neighbor’s house. It is a safe house. It’s across the pasture if you follow the trail by the fence. The same as walking to the bus stop. In the house, the library is the second door on the left if you come in by the porch door.
Oh, that’s cool, so she even told me how to find her. That’s cool. I don’t want to find her, she’s kind of boring. And I also don’t want to hang out in the library, but there you go. You can get some directions.
And then it says number two and number three. I did not know how to see or hear the others, but I do now. If I’m in the library, I cannot hear or see because it is quiet there and I need it quiet to do my work. I have to leave my room to talk to the others.
Oh, and then she mentions two names.
Both of them have slipped notes under my door at different times.
That’s crazy sauce - I didn’t even know they could do that.
And then she’s mentioned that she’s met me and she regularly speaks with a different one and with John. And she sometimes sees the children playing and the one who paints, she sees out on the porch.
The others I only know about from the things these have said something or if they have come to visit the library and then there’s one particular, I don’t remember the name for that kind of alter, but one particular job. That person is the only one who’s ever come into the library.
Okay, cool. I didn’t know that that was a thing. Like, this is blowing my mind this week. In fact, we hardly ever sleep very well. A couple hours at at time and we are up through the night with nightmares and with internal dramas and not being able to sleep. And since we’ve been working on this notebook, we’ve slept for like 14 hours a night. I’m not kidding, so whatever is going on with all these Christmas lights and the bells and this notebook and the interviews, like, it’s huge. Because it’s totally changed everything and clearly worn us out because we are sleeping. Does anyone else get tired after doing therapy stuff?
Okay, and then question seven and eight, she says, I’ve met the therapist and spoken with her briefly. It’s hard for me to find opportunity to do so.
Oh, because we’re always stealing time I think, that’s it. I’m not very good at taking turns.
When I do, I feel guilty for taking time from more important matters. I also try to stay out of the way because I don’t want to think I’m helping, but really messing things up.
Oh, that’s kind of how I feel about the bell and Christmas lights.
I’m also hesitant to reach out between sessions because I don’t want to be more work when, for her, oh, the therapist, when she’s already done so much for us.
Eh, okay.
So, what do you like? She likes quiet, bright rooms and books.
Boring!
And, what does she, she doesn’t say anything she doesn’t like. Probably just me. She’s too polite to say so.
(Laughs)
Number ten, all I need is the morning hours to work so we can pay our bills and fresh vegetables. Eating well helps me think more clearly.
Ugh! Gross, I can’t believe she put that in there. We do not need more vegetables. This one is a vegetarian, you guys. And, John and I are not vegetarians and we are hungry all the time. Which, can I say, for the littles is kind of a trigger. So, even though you may be laughing at us, it’s actually a legitimate issue that we still have not worked out. So, that’s a whole separate podcast.
Number eleven, I feel safe when the bills are paid. I feel safe when others are okay enough I can sit and read. I feel safest at the hotel by the therapist’s office.
Oh, burn.
So, does that mean she doesn’t feel safe at the house? Like, why is that? Or what does that mean? I don’t even know, because it’s too chaotic here, probably. Because we have a lot of kids, inside and out. So, we’re probably just too noisy for her here.
Number twelve, I went to school, I work, I pay the bills.
I don’t even remember what question number twelve was. What do you want us to know about you? Oh, so she’s the one who went to school. She’s the one who has the job, which we do from home, and we pay the bills. Okay, yeah, she’s the one who gives me my allowance. So, woot woot, let the woman work.
What are you afraid of? I’m afraid of helping too much or learning too much that I won’t be able to function or work.
I hadn’t even thought of that. That’s why she doesn’t come around us. That’s why she’s not participating a lot. She doesn’t want us to like, mess up her ability to provide for us. I never thought of that.
Okay, do you see why my brain is exploding here? Like, why this is a big deal?
Okay, so John did the next one. And it says, okay, what are the questions. Where do you live?
I live in the attic of the old house.
And then answers two and three just say yup. (laughs)
Oh, can you see the rest of us? Can you hear the rest of us? Okay, so he knows the rest of us. Which makes sense with what his job is. That little dude can get around.
Four through six, who do you already know, can you talk to, who talks to you?
He wrote, I know everybody, littler than me. I know everybody who was as little as me but grew up. Like, the Doctor and then me. I don’t know all the grownups. Huh.
I feel like he just, I know he’s a kid, but I feel like once again he said something that just totally went over my head, that I can’t process right now. It’s like I read it and then my mind went blank. Like, it got erased as fast as I read it.
Number seven and eight - have you met or seen the therapist or talked to the therapist? Oh yeah, they’re buddies.
Okay, he wrote, I love her. She’s my buddy. I always want to talk to her, but now I got to share and take turns.
Oh yeah. Yeah. He could just see her all the time.
What do you like?
Salsa.
What do you not like?
Kissing. (laughs)
Okay, that’s funny. I feel like we’re doing an unboxing except from ourselves. This is awesome.
What do you need?
Food.
What makes you feel safe?
Food.
What do you want us to know about you?
That I’m stinking smart. (laughs)
He didn’t understand the question for thirteen.
What are you afraid of?
I’m afraid of the woods and those over there. So, I don’t want to be 13.
Eek, yikes. Oh, and then he added something on the next page with a different date. So, then yesterday he added, also I need pants. (laughs) This is because of an ongoing drama about leggings. Some of us like leggings and some of us do not like leggings and John is on the side of, leggingss are not pants and stop leaving me naked out in the world. (laughs)
Okay, so the boy needs some pants. We will keep that in mind.
Oh wow. Okay, so then a little wrote on the next one and it’s actually really hard for me to read. I mean, hard like, hard to understand what is written. I think I will skip this. I don’t feel like I have permission to share this stuff. She likes stickers. Oh, that’s good to know. So, the girl needs some stickers.
So far we need some pants and some stickers. (Laughs) Oh, she wrote a lot of pages. Her handwriting is bigger though, so it’s little handwriting. So, it takes more pages. I’m going to skip that. I don’t think I can deal with that right now.
Oh wow, so here’s another little. This one is eight years old and I’m not going to say their name. But, when we wrote for number one for where do you live, this one wrote the town where we used to live where everything happened.
Oh, she likes the Christmas lights we gave her.
Is there anything else that we need to know about you? And she wrote I’m waiting for my father to come take me out of here.
Oh, that’s not good. Okay, let’s just turn the page. I don’t want to, hmm mm, I don’t want to do that.
Okay, here’s another one. This one’s from a 13 year old. Ugh, this is heartbreaking, you guys.
I live alone in our house on the farm, next to my grandparent’s farm. It feels alone because my mother does not come to help me.
Ughhh. Okay, ugh, that was a little more successful than intended. I don’t want to read that one either. Okay, we’re going to skip again. Let’s go back to more fun things.
Six year old. Okay, also not, I mean, okay, so his is important stuff and I’m glad that it worked, but it’s way too heavy for me and definitely not stuff for just revealing on the podcast, right? So, I’m going to skip through some things, but I’m glad it’s working and that’s a big thing and it’s really helpful. And I think we need to go over it with the therapist and it’s probably not public information for everything to put out here and maybe even a little bit too much for me. Like, I’m feeling a little shaky now.
Oh, this one says I don’t want to tell you where I live because I don’t want a bunch of scrawny little kids running around my place.
I feel you. I feel you on this one.
I didn’t think this kind of stuff was going to come out. I wrote on mine, that what makes me feel safe are going out on dates. (Laughs) I need some dates, you guys.
Okay, I’ll be quiet. I’ll be appropriate. I’ve already been reprimanded. I heard that. Did you hear that? Maybe you can’t hear that, but I sure did. Podcast is not for dating.
Okay, so, here’s one from the one that’s the mom. Ugh. So, she knows about the podcast and she’s an adult. So, we’re going to snoop in her stuff. (Laughs)
She said, I’m 30 years old.
Oh, I thought she was older than that. What? Okay.
This notebook was shocking. It was helpful, but it was shocking. I cannot see the others, but I think I can feel them. I cannot hear them, but sometimes I think I feel their feelings. I don’t know if that’s possible.
What? Is that a thing, you guys? Can somebody feel the others inside, like their emotions or their presence? But not hear or see them yet? What?
I only know people through the notebooks. The therapist says don’t be afraid, that they are good.
I’m not good. I don’t want to get a bad rep here for being good. (Laughs) Oh, Sasha, Sasha, Sasha.
I have met the therapist and written in the notebooks a lot or talked to her sometimes. I don’t know how to talk to her on purpose.
Oh, yeah, so she always is writing, I need to talk to you about this in our next session. And then she doesn’t get to go because she doesn’t know how to come out. So, maybe that would be an example of trying to be helpful. And give her a turn and help her get out to talk to the therapist because she’s a hot mess. I mean, I’m a hot mess. She’s like an emo-mess. I don’t know.
What do I like? I like things clean and organized. Messes stress me out. I don’t like feeling out of control. It makes me feel anxious. I need people to pick up their own stuff when they are out and when they are finished with what they’re doing - like dishes, crayons, toys, clothes. Please.
Oh, we are so busted. That’s me. The dishes are me. I make snacks for the kids and the husband, because I’m like we need some real food here. And so, I make fun snacks and then I just leave it because I don’t want to clean it up. But, apparently, the one who does clean it up, also doesn’t want to clean it up. (Laughs) Team work. I’m going to need more classes. I don’t think one or two weeks of group is going to be enough. (Laughs)
I don’t feel safe. I feel like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop and then it always does.
Oh, that’s sad.
What do you want us to know about you? I want you to know I don’t mean to be such a witch.
Oh.
Also, I think it’s my fault the mother was killed. I’m really sorry.
What? Okay, so, it’s true. We were supposed to be driving her that day. This may be too triggering for the podcast. I don’t know. We were supposed to be driving her that day, but we were super, super, what do you call it? Like morning sickness? We were pregnant and we had morning sickness really bad and so we could not drive the mother that day and didn’t and then she got killed. And so, there’s like, they said she has survivor guilt or something. And like it’s her fault that the mother was killed because she wasn’t driving her. But, it wasn’t the mother’s fault she was killed either. It was a drunk driver. So, she needs to get over herself. Or, ugh, I got in trouble for that. We need to get her to therapy. (Laughs) Okay, not funny. Sorry.
We’ll just skip this because that’s a debbie downer.
It’s fun to match, like I’ve seen people’s handwritings in the other notebooks, but people don’t always sign them. And so sometimes I see stuff in the notebooks, but I don’t know who wrote it, but not because we’re doing these introductions, now I’m for the first time able to match some names to some of the handwriting I see a lot.
This one is a little girl who’s ten.
I can see the others if they are not hiding. I can hear them if they talk to me, but some do not know how.
Oh, that’s cool. She knows that.
I know everyone. I run errands and messages for the ki-
oh….she’s also friends with the one who paints. I didn’t know that either.
I know a lot of things and even told the judge.
Oh. Yay foster care.
I can talk to anyone I want if they say it is okay and if Taylor don’t catch me.
Oh yeah, you guys, we had some Taylor issues over the whole drama with the family services over the holiday. Over the break, the holiday, that’s probably why it was Taylor. So, I don’t even know how to go there or do a podcast about it without triggering the heck out of everybody. So, we’re still working on that, but we need to talk about it. At least with the therapist if we can’t talk about with our friends.
I’ve seen the therapist two times, and I saw her downstairs one time.
Oh, she’s the one who helped us find our therapist we have right now. So, when we were first diagnosed the first time, like when we were 17, we were with a therapist who is no longer in practice now. But, she supervised the therapist that we have now. But, I guess she was in supervision, back when we were diagnosed the first time and so some of us remember her from them. Which is kind of cool, but not everybody remembers her. I don’t know if that makes sense.
What do you like? I like climbing trees and swinging and coloring.
(Laughs) Cool.
I do not like shoes.
What? Okay. Shoes are not for tree climbing, I guess is what we learn from that.
What do you need to feel safe? I need to keep the therapist and not lose her.
Oh, sadness. We’ve lost so many people, you guys, you know?
Therapist helps me feel safe. Hiding helps me feel safe and the bear helps me feel safe.
See, again, another one that’s hiding on purpose. Which is different than just being stuck in trauma. I mean, I know it’s still because of trauma, but some of them feel safer there. So, when we’re talking about changing internal worlds or landscaping or whatever the words are, we need to be careful. Because not everyone just wants a field of sunshine and sunflowers and horses. Like, some people want to be able to hide. So, when we’re making safe places inside for everybody, that means to include places that are safe for hiding, but in safe hiding places. Does that make sense? As opposed to being trapped somewhere, I guess.
What are you scared of? I’m scared of being punished.
Oh. Sweetheart.
Here’s the one from our painter. It’s very brief. There’s not a lot of words, but there’s a nice little doodle at the top with a kite and some flowers. (Laughs)
I live in the attic. I can see and hear what happened to them. I send pictures to the therapist if I draw or paint what they remember.
Oh, that’s totally true. If we’re having trouble with a memory, she can draw or paint it out to relieve the pressure. Does that make sense?
But, I don’t like hurting when they remember. I need them not to remember, because it hurts me.
Oh, sad. This is heartbreaking. This is really hard to look through.
(Background noise)
I am sister. I am 9. I have to share a room with my brother. I know John and Cassy and Taylor and Dawn. I can see and hear them. I saw the therapist once on accident. She helped me. She also told me I do not have to call my brother back. I do not like touching. I need my family not to find me. I do not feel safe. I am afraid.
Oh, oh, my heart, you guys. If I were a nice person I would be helpful here.
This one has such fancy writing here and cursive. I almost can’t read it. (Laughs) I don’t know if I know how to read cursive. (Laughs)
I’m 36 years old. I live in the chapel and so this is where I wait because it’s where I used to work, but I don’t know where this is in relation to the others or how to get around to them. I have seen and heard the others at times and I’m eager to be of some use or help in some way, but am unsure how to proceed. I saw the message that John is trying to deliver newspapers inside and the important idea of writing these introductions.
It’s hard to read.
I am glad to help with that. I would also be glad to escort him if there is any place he needs to go, but doesn’t want to go alone.
Oh, that’s nice. That’s way nicer than me. (Laughs) I’m not going to no creepy places.
I have met the therapist and found her helpful and reassuring. I feel much more grounded or centered after speaking to her or even reading her messages to us. I like helping, contributing, reaching out to those who need help, administering in some way.
Bleh.
I do not like anyone being bullied or excluded.
Well, that’s legit. Yay social justice.
I need more instruction or protocol or directions as to what would be helpful. Then I don’t mind doing it, but I’m not confident in initiating in this case, because I am not sure how it works internally or what would be helpful. I feel safe because I know who God is and because he has said more than anything else, do not be afraid.
Well, okay. Moving on from that. Ooooh, Emma. Okay, so if you have listened to the podcast about the Three Emma’s, she actually talks about some of this right here. Like, she went off like a regular journal. I don’t know if she knew what the journal was supposed to be for. I don’t know, but let’s read, shall we?
My name is Emma and I -
Oh, what?! Okay, this is what it says. I’m just whatever. The Three Emma’s, here we go.
I thought it was Emma Z and I was 19. I thought it was Emma T and I was 23, but I also know it is Emma S and I am 36. I remember all of this at once as if all of it is true at the same time. This is new for me. I am three of me, not me, still me, and only me all at once.
Okay, she’s crazy. (Laughs) What?
It is new for me to see them. I have always heard them, but now also I remember that I did before even know them. I remember the first therapist teaching me more about them. I could talk to them, but now I feel shy somehow. Like, if they will not remember me or somehow it wasn’t okay anymore to have such childhood fantasies.
I can assure you, this is not a pleasant fantasy in which we live. (Laughs) Ugh. Okay.
I have seen the therapist. She is very patient with me when it is hard for me to talk. She does not act irritated or angry at me. She lets me ask questions and tell her things. She is helping me. I like….
Oh, she is answering the questions. Okay.
I like staying home and being with my children, but now I also remember I like to run.
Oh, not run like Dawn. Like in a 5k. I mean, we’re not cool runners in a marathon or something. We’re not legit runners. That was her thing. She used to run every morning and we did a lot of 5ks, which was cool for me, because shocker, if you don’t know, they have beer at the end of the run. So, it turns out, even I would run for beer. (Laughs) Except, we don’t drink any alcohol anymore, at all. For like 9 years, you guys. In fact, our sobriety anniversary is coming up. But, I’m telling you, back in the day, I would run for beer. (Laughs) Well, she can run and I would drink the beer. How’s that? Okay, focus, focus, focus. Where were we?
I had friends and I played softball and volleyball and that was not me, but it was. I remember it now. I don’t like other things I remember.
Hmm?
When I remember being Emma Z, there are many things I remember about trying to be on my own and homeless and not always safe. I remember running away when I was 17. Life was hard. I remember the therapist telling me about DID and being scared and sad. I also remember with Emma T and I even had to talk to the husband about it, but then he said he already knew and we had safe rules for everybody to have what they need. But, I was shocked and it was hard to remember except then I did remember and was okay with it, but it was uncomfortable with him because I remembered that I did not want to marry a man. I only dated girls. Also...
(Background noise)
La-de-da.
Also there were others who were...I also kept ending up in relationships with alcoholics.
So true. We stopped drinking because we made a promise not to, because we wanted to get out of the world of dating other people who were alcoholics. I don’t think that we were an alcoholic. I don’t think that we had a problem stopping. But, I will tell you, that when we did stop drinking, this is me talking, I’m not reading this right now. I will tell you that when we stopped drinking alcohol, it was shocking to see how many friends that we lost because they could not function without alcohol. And so, just because of a series of domestic violence relationships, we decided and committed to no alcohol at all and it has greatly improved our friendships and relationships. So, the husband does not drink at all - any alcohols, zero alcohol. We do not drink any alcohol. We are not alcohol haters. In fact, I myself as Sasha, would be entirely jealous if you get to drink alcohol and I do not. (Laughs)
But, we have stuck to the promise and kept the deal, our end of the deal. So, that’s legit. But, that’s where it comes from, because all these people we were with were alcoholics and they could not function with alcohol. The other thing that she writes, that was also true, was that all of them were also abused. And so, for whatever reason, I don’t know if you guys have experienced this, we found ourselves in this crowd of very sick people who were not well. And I don’t mean like the online groups, where a bunch of people are trying to support each other as they themselves do the hard work of getting well. I mean like, these were people who had not started the process yet. And it was very hard and very enmeshed and very...lalala...so much trauma drama and we have plenty and so we finally just withdrew from that as a whole.
So, I guess she remembers that when we were dating and drinking and had all of the fun that I wanted. So, a shout out to Emma T, who used to be my best buddy and now where has she gone - abandoned me, that’s what. I don’t even know what to do about it. The therapist has already said we’re going to have to talk about this because I’m not being very nice about it. But, I feel like my friend is gone. Except she’s not gone. But, it’s weird and I don’t know how to respond to it yet. But, that’s a whole different podcast.
I have never even kissed him.
(Laughs)
I do the kissing, you guys. And now she knows it.
I feel so badly about and so conflicted. Worse, I realize someone who isn’t me is doing that with him and I don’t know who or what to do about it.
That’s me, you guys.
(Laughs)
I’m the kisser. Okay, I’m not laughing because it’s funny, nor do I mean to mock her. I’m laughing because I feel like I’ve been caught red-handed except I’m not doing anything wrong. Mostly like, that relationship is so platonic. Like, she doesn’t even know because our arrange….oh...okay. This needs to be, I need to make a list of all the different podcasts we could talk about just from what I learned today. Like, each of these things is a huge other topic.
So, I know I am very happy with the husband even if it’s platonic. And remembering those other relationships that were so violent and dangerous and scary, I’m even more grateful for him. So, he and the therapist help me feel safe. The children help me feel safe. Blankets help me feel safe.
Ahh, yeah, it’s a rainy, snowy day. So, who doesn’t love blankets today? Yes.
Being at home or at the therapist’s office helps me feel safe.
What am I afraid of?
I am afraid of what I don’t know.
You and me too, sister. Is that all?
Oh wow, here’s a poem, just all by itself at the very end.
It says, wow, this is really tiny writing.
I am dreaming
All of this dreaming
Lost in a box, in the dark
Watching it all happen to me
Growing up without me
Hearing them scream
Seeing them cry
Feeling them shattered
As I was torn to pieces
Ripped apart
By horrors I can’t see
Or speak
And no one coming
To stop it
Or to help
Or comfort
Or rescue
Even God could not save me
Now a light of hope cannot be real
A voice cannot be there
Thank you for joining us with System Speak - a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. You can listen to the Podcast on Spotify, Google Play and iTunes or follow along on our website - www.systemspeak.org. Thanks for listening.