Transcript: Episode 13
13. Heifer and Mole Assess
Welcome to the System Speak podcast. If you would like to support our efforts at sharing our story, fighting stigma about Dissociative Identity Disorder, and educating the community and the world about trauma and dissociation, please go to our website at www.systemspeak.org, where there is a button for donations and you can offer a one time donation to support the podcast or become an ongoing subscriber. You can also support us on Patreon for early access to updates and what’s unfolding for us. Simply search for Emma Sunshaw on Patreon. We appreciate the support, the positive feedback, and you sharing our podcast with others. We are also super excited to announce the release of our new online community - a safe place for listeners to connect about the podcast. It feels like any other social media platform where you can share, respond, join groups, and even attend events with us, including the new monthly meetups that start this month. Go to our web page at www.systemspeak.org to join the community. We're excited to see you there.
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Well, here's the thing. We got new therapist and I got to tell you, I got to tell you about it. Because so many things are happening. And we got another new house. We have to move again. Just like when I was growing up moving all the time. But I say man o man, if it is not safe for us to live this place, we got to get out of here. And now I moved that whole house in two weeks all by myself, with some help from the kids, outside kids. But I did not work them too hard. I made sure that they are taking turns and different days and make sure everybody is safe. But I work my hind tail off and I got that job done. Because if it's not safe for you to live somewhere, you better not stick around there. Even if you are really sad about leaving. I wish I could stay there and keep living there and have my goats and have my horses and have my cows and have my chickens and have my rabbit and play with the fish and the foxes and the birds, but not that hawk. That big old mean hawk.
And I remember how I first saw it on Fourth of July and there was just fireworks in the sky and stars everywhere. And I was hiding in the woods because I was afraid they were gonna come see us. But they never did come see us. And then I was sad cuz they never did come see us. And how messed up is that? If you think one thing and you also feel another thing, that gets confusing in your head. I thought they were coming cuz she said “I'll always be there for you.” She said we are buddies. She said “Well, we'll see each other sometimes.” And I just kept waiting and waiting and waiting. And then I didn't know who was telling me the truth. Is she telling me the truth? Are other people tell me the truth? And that was not good for me be all confused like that. And I just don't understand. And she sent a letter and she sent my football back. But it was not my football it was her football and I don't know what to do about that. If, if you see, you think you have a friend and you think they're your buddy and you can tell them things and you can play footballs. Then I think that, I think that, I think that then that football is pretty special. But then if you find out they're not really your friend, or they don't really care about you or know about you, then it doesn't feel like football. It feels like cheating.
And I, I just broke my heart. My heart is broken. All the way broken. And I just cried. I cried like a hungry little calf just wailing out there in the woods. I wouldn't even come in the house. I was so confused. And I slept out in the woods till it snowed. And then all summer. And the husband said, “you know we got a whole house you can live in” and I say, “well, you know what, I don't even know what's real right now, except this here tree. And I'm just gonna stay right here by it.” And them girls, gotta take care of them kids. So they do that. But I just wait in the woods and I think nobody's gonna see me because I don't even know if this is an inside problem or an outside problem. And how am I supposed to even tell that if nobody's telling me the truth? That's the scariest thing in my whole life since we lived in the parents’ house. And I don’t want to talk about that today. But I just wait it out till I can see.
And then I think the saddest thing I ever had to know in my whole life, was realizing no one's coming. Then I thought I gotta hot tail in out of here. And we regroup in another safe place. And now you know what? We found a new house. And it's by the woods but it's safe. I checked it out. And it’s on a hill, but it's also in a neighborhood. So we at the front of the house is outside kid land. And they play with their friends and I watch out the window make sure they're safe. Or I pretend I'm raking leaves just so I'd keep an eye on them. Cuz nobody's gonna take my kids. That's what I got to say about that. But in the backyard, when the kids go to school, that's my free time and I roam in the woods and under the trees. And we can play and hike and cry and sing, and there's a creek and there's a lake. And I just walk through there and pray my heart to God, save my soul, cuz this whole mess is the worst mess I've ever found myself in.
I know that's big words because them parents were not too nice about things. But I knew they were not too nice about things and I got away from them and they're dead. But I don't know what to do when your whole favorite person break your heart. What are you supposed to do about that? I don't even know.
But I don't want to be a mean and hateful person. And I don’t want to be a bad person. I don't want to be a bad kid. I don't want to have bad friends. So I just think time will tell. We'll have to see. We’ll have to see what happens with that.
And then I saw all them ladies just all back to real life like nothing wrong ever happen. Like they never even met us. Like I don't even know why I'm just sitting here with a broken heart for two years waiting for a friend that's not even coming. And if that's not buddy then there's not a buddy and I got to face the truth of it.
And I just don't know because when I was at therapy before, when we can go at her office, will do you know what I felt? I felt happy. I felt good. I felt sad sometimes cuz we had to talk about hard things. But I feel like that was a pretty good relationship. And I thought I know how to deal with this and I know how to learn. And I thought I was special for I can have a special role to go on missions and solve some problems and to help people. Well a lot of good that did me. That did got me gunned down I think. Like in the Middle East or something.
When we went there and it was not safe, I thought she was gonna try to get us killed. I know I worked hard to get her back alive all the way back to the United States of America. And then, and then, and then we went for the fires. And I said “why are we back in a fire? We are done had a fire and I don't want any more fires.” and then finally make it home and then this pandemic happened and now I understand. At first I didn't understand. I did not like masks. I did not like everybody stay home with us. And we cannot even play. We cannot talk to each other out loud. We cannot, we cannot make our way in our day. And we can't have a therapist so we can write in the notebook no more.
And now it's just really hard life. And no one even there to help me. And I don't know how to do this. And sometimes I just get really tired of life being all hard all by myself and what am I supposed to do about it? And then my heart was broken, like stomped on. Like when a heifer get mad when you try to take her calf. I felt like you took my heifer away. That therapist was like my heifer. She a heifer. And I was like a baby cow and they just took me away.
Can I tell you something about that? There's one thing I got saying. And I'm not trying to cuss at you. But if you have a mama cow and a baby calf, then that heifer ain’t called a heifer. She called a damn. And that's how I feel about this. I just think “well damn.” I don't even know what happened. Because I know my buddy and this is not my buddy, would not do this to me. And I think, I think well maybe maybe my family done got to her and try to keep her away from me. Or maybe they're gonna hurt her. So then I think well maybe I gotta stay away from her just for the good of everybody. Keep people safe. But damn. That's just what I think. I don't even know.
Then, well you feel like that's hard enough and you can be mad at them inside. But then I found that what they didn't tell me was she don't even want me no more. And that just break my heart like I’ve been stomped on like a rattlesnake. What am I supposed to do about that? I don't even know.
And I know she trying to get different therapists and I know she's trying to talk them. But also do you know what? We can’t even find one. Nobody knows how to help us. Because we're so bad and we're so difficult and we’re so complicated. And there’s too many things. And I said, “I know there’s too many things. That's why I'm asking for help. Why don't nobody want to even help me?” And I just think I don’t know how to make this out alive. I don't know. I always thought I have a plan. And now all my best laid plans gone just shot. I just don't even know. I just don't even know what to do about it.
And I just wander like a moo calf, like walking around calling for a mama, bawling, sounding like a big old sick donkey with my whining until I'm even tired of it myself suddenly. Finally I’m tired of it by myself and I said, “you know what? If there's a truth we learned is that there's truth that we just gotta accept things as it is.” And truth be told, I can’t find my buddy in where my therapist buddy is not even there. And her office is gone. I went to check again cuz I thought maybe we made this up, maybe I'm not even confused, or maybe it was a bad dream, or maybe someone inside was playing tricks on me. That's not even a very funny prank. So I drove there myself. And I went to therapists office and I was gonna say, “hey, I need a appointment.” By you know what? That therapist’s office is not even there. That therapist’s office is done long gone. And I know what to do about that. It’s like she just travelled on West with the cowboys and leave me behind. And I'm just sitting here in the street. And I'm thinking, “what? Where everybody go and why don't nobody want to help me. And now can this one hurt my heart, break my heart, when that is promised?”
And I close my eyes and I try not think about it. And I try not to tell the little kids about it. And I try not to mention it to nobody. But in my head, every time I close my eyes, I just see like we're in her office, tossing that football back and forth, sharing secrets and talking about hard things. And I feel safe and I feel happy. And I, and I think we can talk about hard things. And then every time I wake up and I just cry and cry and cry. And I never cried so much in my whole life. And I thought, “man oh man, I need help with this cuz, cuz we are hot mess.” That’s what we are. A hot mess.
Like when you forget to put the eggs in your flap jacks, and then you got pancakes that are just all burnt and crispy. And they're not even yummy. And you can't even eat them with toast like with jelly or nothing. And you know I don't want syrup. It's like someone just poured syrup over my whole life and everything got ruined. And we couldn't even get our feet under us.
You ever seen like a calf learning how to walk? Or you ever seen like something even gangly like a giraffe learning to walk? But they figure it out. And they can do okay. And they wobble and they fall and they wobble and they fall. But then they finally stand up. And when they finally stand up, that got figured out. And they can start walking and playing and eating. And I'm thinking, “I just got the wobbles and the falling. I don’t got the finding my way back up again. I can't get my feet under me before life knock me back down. And I'm tired of that.
But this time, do you know what happened? We're supposed to be getting ready for therapy. And the husband gonna have the kids so we don't get interrupted. Because I tell you what. If you got to have a mom went out, you can't do therapy with other ones. And my mom one only wants to be with the kids not with a therapist. And it causes all kinds of problems. If you can’t get privacy and space and what you need for time with a therapist, you can’t do therapy without that. So he's being helpful. But you know what? Then these people came and they brought new bikes for all them outside kids. And I could not believe it. And we all was whooping and hollering and whooping because it was like a miracle in our house. A miracle of the bicycles. And we were all playing and they were so happy and they were so excited. And I held my peace because there ain't nothing I want more in the world than a bicycle. But they're just for outside kids, not inside kids. So I didn't get a bike. I can’t have a dog. I can’t have a bicycle. I can’t have a cow or horse or chickens. My chickens are okay but I bet they miss me. They don't think, they're going to think they got taken from me like a cow from his heifer. And I say, “man, oh man, oh man, please don't hurt my chickens’ feelings.” And so I just stay happy for them outside kids. And I only cried when nobody was looking that I can't have a bicycle. And I didn’t complain about nothing because I know you gotta be grateful and you gotta be happy for them. And I am. I'm not trying to sin or covet or be jealous or nothing. I just want a bicycle for a long time and I don’t get one. But it's okay because I can walk. I got my own two feet. And I can go on walks in the back in the hills and that's alright because I got feet for walking. And I gotta keep walking if I'm going to get my feet under me. There ain't no other way to learn how to do it. Get your own life back.
So after them bicycles, I went to therapy. And it's a brand new therapist finally. And maybe we want to try her out, I don't even know. But we try out lots of therapists and some were helpful for some, but some don't want to talk to us. And if we're the problem, then how can they help us if they don't want to talk to us? And then I cry all over again because I used to be happy and now I'm just sad. And I don’t even want to be the problem. That's not even nice to tell a kid that they're the problem. And I feel like that's called trigger for me, everything being my fault and I’m the problem, when it ain't even my fault and I ain’t the problem. That's what I think about that.
But then I was stuck out and we had new therapist and I talked her and I try really hard to have a very grown up voice. And I tried really hard to get that girl back. And I can’t ever get her. Not Courtney or Hannah or Cassie or Sasha or nobody on this. Like, even Em can’t even come here because the husband got the kids and she don't gonna do therapy. But she was mad we had not good therapists. And I thought, “well, if you so high and mighty about it, why don't you show up for this appointment, take care of business, because here I am sitting in front of the computer screen like I want to be on camera.” I don’t even want to be on camera. Even if you all learn about Zoom and make your friends and have good time. I think they're pretty cool. But I don't wanna sit here and do therapy with somebody else. They're not going to be my buddy. And now I know if they say they're my buddy, they're lying to me. So how am I supposed to believe them now or ever talk in therapy again? I don't even know about that.
But she's asking questions. And she wants to know about the parents and I’m like, “they're dead.” And she want to know about why we're coming therapy. And I thought, “I’m not telling her nothing of secrets. She’s not even my friend yet.” And now I know that I can't have a buddy. So it's not even something I can tell her. I thought I could help talk to them. But now I can't even do that. So I didn't tell her about that. I just talked to her about when we had cancer, and they found a scar tissue down there in her privates. And I said the doctor said we had do therapy. But I don’t even want to do therapy because nobody can be my friend. And I told her what happened with the other therapist who was my buddy and then change your mind. And I said, when she changed her mind it broke my heart. And I don't understand what happened. And I don't understand what's real who's telling me the truth. And she talked about what did we learn with that therapist. And I said well I learned about Memory Time and I learned about Now Time. And I said I learned about breathing and taking breaths. And I said but now if I try to breathe and take breath I just start crying as my my heart done be broken up pieces all over like an egg that fell from the sky and just shattered on the road. I don't even know. I'm just a big old pile a splotchy yolk in the sunshine gonna fry. She said, “Well, that doesn't sound very good.” And I said, “Well, it doesn't feel very good.” And I try to talk to her. And, but we talked a long time and then she's-. I said, I don't, I, and and, I said, I don't. “I don't want to tell you things if you don't follow the rules. I need you follow the rules for I have to be safe. Safe, safe. safe is number one. And I got to be safe before I can talk to you. And if you're not safe, I don't want to talk to you.” And she said she said, “I'm good at following the rules.” And I said, “Well do I know about boundaries?” Because I know it’s what is called, and I need some of them. So I said, “Do you know about boundaries?” And she said, “Do you know about dissociation?” And I laugh and I laugh, and I fell on the floor. I knock over the table where this computer is holding up my zoom camera and knocked over microphone and my water bottle fell on the laptop. And now I was just laughing and laughing. And I said, “You might do alright lady.”
And I'm wondering if we will keep her and if that was a good time for a good match and maybe we can talk to her. But then at the same time, every time I think, “oh, this might work,” well then that just bite me in the bottom.
Oh, you know what the husband said? I'll tell you. The husband, his parents ain’t dead. And his dad said to the outside kids, he said, “Do you know what is molasses?” And the husband said, “is a mole’s bottom.” [Laughter] He was making him cuss. And now outside children they didn't get it. Molasses and mole bottom. They did not get the joke. But the husband's dad, they call him granddad, and he laughed and choked on his water. It was the funniest thing I never saw.
So I don't know about therapy. But I know we got a house I can’t even find my way in. I get lost in the closet. That's where I am now. Cuz it's got two hallways. Who has a closet with two hallways is because of room. I can't even believe this house. They done give it to us for a third price. I don't know how many dollars that is but a third price because those outside kids charmed him. And I said you little manipulators. Except also I’m kind of grateful because we have a safe place to live. But we are grateful he was so nice to us. And I did not really name call the outside children because that's not even nice. But some of us we got things to talk about. And we had meeting and I said, “I ain’t talking there no more cuz I know who can you hear me and who was listening and they're not all safe, and they're not all good. So if we're gonna keep talking, we need a new place to talk.” And that's when we got a new podcast and didn’t even tell nobody. Except some people we can tell. And I don’t mean to be gamey. I just mean to be safe. Because life is a getting really hard sometimes and I need some help. And we got some people up in here being all sassy cuz their heart is broken.
And I don't even know how you start over with and a new therapist if, if, if you don't even know what's real. But we'll see if she knows what she's talking about. She said we got to go slow. And she gave us some papers to fill out. You gotta circle numbers or answer questions. And I thought, “I don’t want to do no school tests. Somebody else can do that because that seems boring.”
And also, one last thing to tell you. If you have therapy on the computer, you know what happens? You don't even get no peppermint for free. I don't know what kind of deal is that.
But I'm gonna go for a walk now. And I just, I just only can go for a walk because I don't have no bike. But I'm not complaining about it. And I did not tell the outside kids. I just smiled for them and clap for them. And I cheer for them. Because I want them to know I did not change my mind for them. I did not change my mind to be a buddy for them. And I did not give up or let them go or leave them or nothing. I'm still here. And I'm still on their side. And I will cheer him on. Even if they get the exact thing I wanted and it ain't my turn for it. Because that's how you love people and I don’t want to forget that.
[Break]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.