Transcript: Episode 3
3. The Text Message
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This week was such a classic example of us. I can't even tell you. I do not-, I do not know what to do with this brain. Okay, so we're starting with this brand new therapist who seems like she knows what she's doing even when like we can't cooperate, because everyone is terrified that history will repeat itself, of course, and everyone is trying to watch all at the same time. Like if you ever want to have consciousness, like, go to the therapist for the first time. And there is so much happening all at once that it is just overstimulating. Like, talk about foggy and blurry, and I don't even know what. But even when we almost were not even coherent, she like helped us breathe back down, like calming down. And not just in a like shaming way that dismisses what's going on, but like breathing with us and showing us how to breathe. And she talked about not just square breathing, but like from our diaphragm breathing. And, and when she was doing that, you guys, I don't even know how to describe this to this.
So you know that it has been like a hard two years, at least, or like a lifetime. But I mean a dark, dark two years since everything went down. It has been traumatic. It has been retraumatizing. It has been awful. It has been hell. I can't even tell you. Except we did tell you. So you know what I'm talking about. But it has been so difficult. And people have been banished. People have disappeared. Walls have gone up, like, we can't access people like before. Like, I don't even know how to tell you how dramatically different our system is now than it was two years ago. Two years ago with our previous Kelly, it was like-. I'm trying to think even how to describe it. It was almost like that with some of us there weren't even walls. I mean, we were not together hanging out all the time, but we knew where to go to get somebody, and we knew how to bring someone to safety. Like, we kind of had some mad skills going on for a little while. And we could access who needed to help with what, or how we can help someone, was something. Like, these pieces were starting to fall into place. And then when we lost that Kelly, it was like we lost all of that progress. I know that's not actually true, because we survived the last two years and got ourselves through it. But it feels like just something more than the rug being ripped out from under you. It felt like our whole-. It was like our whole world was made of blocks on top of the rug. And when someone jerked the rug away, all the blocks came crashing down. That's what it feels like. I don't know how else to describe how devastating that was and how difficult it has been.
But, let me tell you. This new therapist that we just saw, something happened inside. Like we have been working with the other therapists, we worked with a therapist who died of COVID, we worked with the therapist who is having pregnancy complications, we worked with the therapist. Okay, we made so much progress, grieving all of this disaster. And we really love that therapist and are so grateful that she helped us when we were grieving our other Kelly. But we would not cooperate with her as far as naming names of whose in session or letting on to who was paying attention or not, or communicating about who knew what was going on or not. It's as if we had made so much progress with our previous Kelly that things had become so overt that we were even talking with the husband about it, we were talking with friends about it. And when everything fell apart it's like we went so far extreme back into covert land of: Let's make sure no one knows if we're switching or not, let's not even communicate, like, let's have, okay, can I just say it, a new part that knows nothing. Because, because last time we started to know things, it was devastating.
So when this new therapist started doing this breathing and started talking to us about things and asking questions, and there were things we were like, how did she even know to ask about that? Because first of all, a new intake with someone who is a survivor is never an easy thing. Because there are no simple answers to those kinds of simple questions. What do you do for your job? Well, I don't know, because I'm not the one who works, and there are four others who all have different jobs, so which one of them do you want to talk to you? I can't say that in an intake. Are you married? Are you not married? Well, I am technically married, but only recently, and just these three decided and agreed to marry him because he was a safe and asexual AMAB, and so we can have a safe relationship and raise a family and get that experience, but as we continue healing, it really brings up a lot of questions. And so we need to address that in our relationship. But also he's living with his parents and hasn't been home for a year. Like, I can't even answer that kind of question really simply, right? Oh, my goodness.
And so then the next question is like-. I mean, not really the next question. I don't know what order they were in. I don't remember that. But then even simple questions of like: Why are you coming to counseling? I don't know. Because I'll die if I don't? I can't say that because then I'll get put in the hospital. I don't have any plans to be, I don't mean to be, put in the hospital. But you still can't say something like that. Right? Like, um, so I try to say, because I want to be a better mom. So I want to be a safe mom, whatever. Like, Oh, yeah. Do you have concerns about not being a safe mom? Well, no, I don't. But also, I don't have a safe model for a safe mom. So how do I answer that? Or even if we're not talking about my trauma. I can't even talk about my kids in an easy way. Oh, you have children? How many children do you have and how old they are, and tell me something about them. Oh, well, let me tell you I have six children adopted from foster care, and the triplets are all 12 turning 13, and that's a big trigger. So let's talk about that. And this one is deaf like me. Oh yeah. By the way, we have cochlear implants. And this one has autism and a TBI, and this one has cerebral palsy and spina bifida. And then there's three younger ones, and they both have fetal-. And they all three have-. And they all three have fetal alcohol syndrome so they scream at me all day, and that's really triggering, but also they're adorable and they’ve come so far, and we try so hard. Like, there's no simple way to answer any of the intake questions.
And then when she picks up on something like, oh, no, we're not sleeping well. And I'm like, well, how do you know you're not sleeping well? Well, because I see it on my watch, or I wake up in weird places, or my children or my husband tell me I was screaming in the night. Like, that's how. But there's no way to answer. Why are you screaming in the night? I don't know. Because I'm having bad dreams or because someone else is remembering something? I don't know. Why does that happen? Is that trauma? Do you want to talk about it? No, I don't want to talk about it. What is this, therapy? Oh, yeah.
It's therapy. It's exhausting. Like I really want to participate. And I really want to be committed. And that's why I'm showing up to try again after everything that we have been through, right? So that, like, shows, like, I don't know what. Tenacity? An engaged client? Like, how do you? What do you express with that without saying everything else that's happened?
Have you been in counseling before? Oh, yes, in college, but I don't really remember that. And I, but I read about it in my own memoir. I can't say that in an intake. Oh, what was counseling like before? I don't know, the one when the therapist moved me into her house, or the one where the therapist had an affair with my partner? Or are you talking about the time that we had to treat our therapist for our best friend, and then also lost our best friend anyway? Which time are you talking about? The one, oh, when she died from COVID? That was great. Let's talk about that. No.
I can't answer any of the questions. I can't even do the address. Because we use the P.O. box for everything. We use the post office box for everything. And so like, I don't even want them to have my address. Like, there's no easy answer to anything. And it's only the intake. Like, it's such a disaster. And then I feel both foolish and stupid, which are not the same things, and then all this shame. And of course this is all inner critic voice and all that da da da da. Like, I get it. That's why I'm in therapy. So why am I in therapy? So you can help me make this stop. [Laughter}
Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.
Okay. So we had a plan, though, because maybe DID is wrong. Maybe that's not a thing. I know. I know. I know. We are back to square one. Not really. But maybe, maybe, it's not just a thing. And so we said, we had our intake. So we went on the Community and we're like, “We had a new intake. There's a new therapist. We think we really liked her. And we'll see how it goes. We're gonna go back next week.” Right? And so then our friend D, who's been on the podcast, is like-. Okay, so I go on the Community after this session, after the first session. I go back to the Community and I'm trying to like psych ourselves up, psych myself up—I can't do it right—psych myself-. Pronoun problems. I go back to the Community to psych myself up and say, “Hey, I think we found ‘em after interviewing all these different people. I think we found our therapist. Finally.” Like, it's been two years you guys since we had a solid, consistent therapist. Now we have had our good Kelly over the last year who's helped us grieve the previous Kelly, but I don't know if we get to keep her at all because of the pregnancy complications, which I need to quit talking about because that's not anybody's business. But she was good. We love her. We can still do some dream tending with her, I think, but because she's fantastic at that. She's very gifted at that. And I just don't know if we get to keep her past that. So anyway, we go back to the Community, and we're like, “Finally, I think we have like a therapist therapist where we can get back into therapy.” Because you guys let me be very clear about this. And some of you understand too well what I'm talking about, and that hurts my heart. I'm so sorry. But for the last year, I feel like we have been in therapy for therapy because of how devastating and the damage caused by everything that happened with our previous Kelly. There are not words to describe how awful that was, how worse-. I can't, I can't even. There are not words to say how terrible that was, and it has been. But our Kelly over the last year has really helped us with that, and I am grateful.
But what it does, when we talk about emerging self, what it does is get me back into the place of actually returning to actual therapy. Like, let's move past therapy for therapy. I know we have to circle back to it. I get how that works. That we go over it over and over. And I get how there are layers of grief from our trauma issues specifically for us that are going to keep coming up. And so I know that it's not like it's over forever. But we are breathing, and we are alive. And we are ready and focused. And it's time to get back into actual therapy. So how on earth we are going to find the spoons or the magic or energy or the audacity to trust another therapist? I don't know. But we have such support right now. More support than we ever had. That if connection is what brings healing, then now is the time to get healed, while we are connecting, right? And so using all of the good-. Yes, the last two years have been hard. But using all of the good that we have gained from that including, including, the capacity to tolerate my own emotions. Which is huge. Huge. There are not words to say how big of a deal this is. Because the last two years were hell. But I am here on this side of things, and I'm doing just fine. I'm actually doing rather splendid, thank you very much. [Laughter]
So, okay. So if we are really ready, then we need to have the ovaries to show up and to do this. Like, let's get back to work. It's time you guys, it is time. It has been so hard for so long. That if I have enough support-. Like, I feel like for the first time in my life, I am like safely surrounded in good and healthy ways by safe and good and kind people, and I cannot tell you how powerful that is or what that means to me, and what it's like to experience that authentically and in valid safe real healthy ways. After having survived thinking I had an-. After having survived an illusion of that where it all dissipated right when it mattered most. Because this kind of support now, in New Now Time, the people and safety and the Community and everything wrapping around me now, and in the same way I want to be a part of wrapping around you guys. But the difference in this now is that it's solid. There is earth beneath my feet. No one's going to rip the rug out from me ever again, anymore. And not just because “oh these people are so perfect and I finally found the perfect friends.” I don't mean like that. Friendship is hard. Relationships are hard. When we have trauma, these are paced slowly and carefully and are intense and difficult even when it's all good. But do you know why no one's gonna pull the rug out from under me again? Because I don't stand on rugs anymore. [Laughter] That's what the deal is you guys. I have the power, good friends or good support or not, I have the power to take care of myself. And I have the power and the resources as an adult. I have adult resources to care well for myself so that I don't fall again.
Now, winter is coming. I have had a lovely summer in the pool, with the children outside in the sunshine, like, I have cared for myself and my body in every way I know how. I am getting out of the covers in the morning, which I do not want to do, by the way. But I am getting out of the covers in the morning and I am stretching. I'm doing my little pretend exercises. Please do not laugh at me, because I at least am moving my body. I am going on walks sometimes. I am not yet back up to being able to walk every day. I just cannot yet. But at least a couple times a week, which is a huge deal to be back into moving that much. I am making sure I eat something every day. Like, we have set up our life around caring for ourselves instead of giving ourselves away.
So even with the children, we lay out their breakfast but they are finally old enough to actually get their breakfast and their milk and their spoons or whatever, and like do that piece themselves. And I don't mean that I'm not present or nurturing or helpful. But it has been years because of their different special needs. And I know some people don't like to say special needs anymore. So I'm not trying to be offensive. My kids like it because they want to be special. So they are special. And because of their different needs and the high acuity in our home, we have had to do almost everything for them for years and years and years. It is like having six toddlers for 10 years. And I am not exaggerating. Okay? I am not exaggerating. It is a bit hard and exhausting. But they are starting to get older, and they are starting to develop, they are starting to function. My triplets who are turning 13 just now can tie their own shoes. They can get their own plates down from the cabinet without hurting themselves or breaking something. Like, we are making that much of progress. Which seems like a little thing. But when you have an entire classroom of children in your house, it makes a big difference. Okay? And so for the first time I am able to get a little yogurt and a spoon and like my little vitamin drink thing, and sit at the table while they eat breakfast, and then start them on their day, and then make my own like real breakfast. And even if I don't get lunch until way later because of the chaos or like have some kind of something, like, at least I have fed my body first thing in the morning. And so this is huge progress for me. That I'm getting some sleep. I am getting water and food and nourishment. I am getting playtime outside. I am moving.
Okay, this is not about being perfect. This is not about checking off all the dots on the like wellness apps or bullet journals or something. This is about I am doing the work to stay alive. I am not skinny. I do not care about my weight. I want to be healthy, I want to be strong, and I want to be present. And I am doing those things. That's the progress I have made. Okay. So after, I don't know, it's probably taken me eight months, if not longer, to reclaim my own presence in my own body. I don't even know the therapy words for that. Is that when it's embodiment or is that something else? I'm not even sure. But it has taking me that long just to get back into my own skin.
But if I am here, then it's time to go back to therapy. I mean, actual therapy. I mean, therapy as therapy, not just therapy for therapy. I need to go back to work of talking about me and my stuff. Not just my disaster of an experience in therapy and how much that violated me or hurt me or wounded me in all the places that hurts most. Is that terrifying? Yes. Am I scared that it just gives one more person access to hurt me and all my most wounded places? Of course I am. That's terrifying. But also, for the first time in my life, if I can have a both-and, there are enough good people, even if we are still relatively new. I have known my friend Peter for so long now. I have known people from the Community for so long now. I know people from the groups for almost a year, not quite, but almost. In my life it is a really long time to know anyone for that long. This week, the husband and I have been married for 10 years. You guys, I don't know anyone else in my life besides the English teacher, who's out there and was very kind to come on the podcast, on the System Speak podcast. But I don't actually talk to her ever. [Laughter] Like you guys, I can't tell you what a big deal it is to have someone in my life months down the road, much less almost a year down the road. But there are enough of you that I am getting to know and that I am learning and that I am practicing safety with. And that I have seen how even when the worst thing happens that could happen, that I can still pull myself out of that hole. I don't mean I want to be knocked into the hole, okay? I am sick of holes. I am done with holes. I don't want to fall into any more wells. But when that happens, I have learned that I can get myself out of that. Which means I have more capacity, and more-. I don't know the right word. It makes it like outweigh the risk of another disaster. Do I want another disaster to happen in therapy? No. But am I going to be okay if it does, or if it feels like it happens? Yeah. I think I will be actually. And that's a big deal. I mean, mentalize that, suckers. [Laughter]
So, here we are finally ready to like, okay, let's go back to actual therapy, not just grieving the loss of a therapist. Let's go back to actual therapy. Let's dust ourselves off, pick up the pieces, so to speak, and see what we can do.
But just in case the previous therapist is wrong. Let's not tell her about DID. That's what I was telling you. So we decided not to tell her about DID, not to hold secrets and not to lie, but because if we really have DID, then she's gonna figure it out or she's not a good therapist for us. I don't mean that as in “if she can't figure this out, then she's not good for us.” I don't mean it like that, like a test. No, no, that's not fair to her or us. What I mean is that either of those possibilities could be true. That maybe she's not a therapist that knows how to help us, or maybe the previous therapist made a mistake. I know. I know. I know. Our Jungian therapist is always like, “Have you listened to your own podcast?” [Laughter] I know. But still. It feels like, “what if that’s not it?” Or, “what if it was all just a mistake?” Like, I know that's ridiculous, but also that's how it feels. Okay? I'm just being honest. And so we didn't tell her the first session about that because we were busy doing the intake. So that was simple. The second session we had, it did not really come up, but we didn't get as far as talking about like nightmares and there was some trauma because it-. Why did that come up? We didn't talk about any specific trauma, I don't think, I think what we-. I think it's because cancer came up. And so we did share that the doctor said we needed to go back to therapy because when they went to do our hysterectomy they found that the cancer was because of scar tissue. And so they had to remove all the extra bits and not just the full hysterectomy, but they had to take other tissue as well. So we got into those details. Which was actually kind of weird, because we never talked to anyone about that other than like alluding to that what happened. But we've never actually processed that in therapy, because you guys, my life is so unreal, that cancer. [Laughter] Cancer is like at the bottom of the list. [Continuing laughter] That’s how unreal my life has been for the last decade, not even counting [indistinguishable]. That's really sad you guys. That’s not okay. But that's why I need therapy. And that's why we got to get this under control. But we didn't tell her about the DID. Because also, I don't know. I don't know. I just, what if? I didn't know.
Also, it's just scary to trust someone new, right? Like the whole point about what was so devastating with the previous therapist is about what happened with those relationships with those parts or alters whatever words you want to use, and that relationship with that therapist. And so, do I really even want to let others have access to her? I don't know. Because our therapists that last year that helped us grieve our previous Kelly did not-. Like, we never really went there for her. She knows about it. She has seen evidence of it. Sometimes she even guesses and I'm just like, “Hey, we agreed you're not going to guess.” Except she knows. And so it's like, ugh. Because then we can’t even hide from her. And so I don't know why I-. I'm embarrassed even talking about this, but that's what happened.
Okay, so we went on the Community. This is what I'm trying to tell you before I got sidetracked. So welcome back to the podcast, and it's chaos. [Laughter] So we went on the Community and we're like, “Hey, we think we found this therapist.” And the reason that we wanted to share, not to tell any business about our therapist, but the reason we wanted to share was actually a really big deal because you guys, when she started helping us with the diaphragm breathing and then some other things when we were talking about maybe it was the cancer stuff? Something happened. And I do not even have words to describe it. I have been thinking about it for almost a week, trying to come up with words to describe it, to tell you, to tell her. I don't know the answer. But it was like, I'm trying to think. It was like, do you know how if your house is dark, but then you open the blinds and the light just pours in? Or how if you can imagine this in a non-creepy way, because I know there's lots of creepy baby doll movies. But if you can imagine this in a not creepy way, in like a tender way. If you had when you were a little child, if you had those baby dolls or a baby doll that, or if you've ever seen them even as an adult, like where you pick them up in their eyes open? But I do not mean in a creepy way. I mean in a tender way. Dolls can get really creepy really fast. I know. But I mean, a sweet baby doll or some kind of toy like that, that are like-. When I walk outside, like, all the chickens come running to me. I mean, they just want worms. But it feels good, right? I think other families, that's what their children do. But because we are adopted from foster care in our family, and have attachment issues, both mine and theirs. And because they have such developmental crises, the different issues that they're dealing with, that we don't really get that side of life. There's not necessarily those rewards. The closest we get to that is this singing they do with the husband. That can be pretty tender, they’re sweet little songbirds, that they have bonded with him through music, and they love to sing. And those moments can get very tender. We also have really good conversations. And we can talk with them in very tender ways. And so we model that, we practice it, but it's rehearsing. It's not the same as a child who, I don't know how to explain it. Like, I am constantly in every interaction, aware that I am not just parenting them, I'm parenting their families too. And I am aware there is a countdown on the clock till they go back. Because that's their stuff to work out. It's not that they're trying to betray me or that the choice is between me and their biological families. Wow, this got real really fast.
There was something in talking with this therapist that lit up inside us. For the first time in two years or more, because we really struggled with that previous therapist for a year before we left. So three years we have been grieving like deep, horrendous, gut wrenching, guttural grief. I can't even tell you. But for the first time, something lit up with this new therapist. And I felt littles for the first time in ages. I felt people watching and paying attention for the first time in ages. I don't even know what kind of muju, mojo, doju, whatever that she was doing. But it was incredible. And that got my attention. It wasn't just that she had the right answers, or knew the perfect technique, or had like, a sweet presence that was very attentive or a tuned. All of those things can be true. But there was something inside of me that recognized, “Yes. This.” There, you guys, I felt them choose her. That's what blew me away. I felt that in a way I did not even know was possible for me to feel. Like, there was a consensus in a somatic, emotional, affective, like, in my body, and my feelings, in my head that I could feel with my entire being. As if they said, “this one.” And I don't even know how to describe that, how else like, that is the best description I can do for it.
And so anyway, that's why I got on the Community to talk about it, because of that moment. And that's what I wanted to share. But it came up in the conversations on the Community and reply to my post. It came up that we did not tell her about DID. And someone else shared, like, “Be careful about that. You have to be honest. Honesty is always the best policy.” And someone shared a story of not having told their therapist about the DID, and later when it came up, after they had bonded with that therapist, the therapist was like, “we can't actually help you with DID, so we have to refer you out.” So that was heartbreaking for them. So they were warning us and so we were like, okay, so we need to bring it up anyway in our next session. But also just in case we aren't really DID, let's just wait. Because you guys, we don't learn anything the easy way. Oh my goodness.
But let me tell you how we blew that ship out of the water. Oh, you guys. I was mortified. Dead. Like, mortified. So embarrassed. Here's what happened. We took a screenshot of the new podcast. Because eventually we're going to share about it on the Community, but not yet. Not because we don't want the Community to know, but just because we need some time and space, and we need to get things set up and have it ready. Also, I think that we wanted to be sure we were really moving forward. We didn't want to tell people and then take it away. That would be cruel. And so we were getting it ready so that we could share, and we were going to send it to our friend to say, “hey, look at this. What do you think? Can you listen to this episode? What do you think about it?” Right? So just a simple screenshot of the podcast—the new podcast—which in the description references the old podcast. Except, you guys, I don't know if I was drunk texting on a mocktail. I don't know if littles were out or if someone was tattling on me. I really, really don't know how it happened. I wasn't really drunk. But you know what I mean. I'm teasing about that experience. Like that's what it felt like, something went terribly wrong. Like slow motion where you're like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because you didn't mean to text that person. But yes. Instead of texting it to my friend, who happens to have the same first name as my new therapist, I sent the picture of the new podcast and its description to the therapist.
Oh! I cannot even tell you how mortified I was. There are not words. We panicked. There, it was like Rolodexing. Like, we were all like, “Oh, no, that was an accident. Oh, I'm sorry. What do you mean?” Like, if I could take away that text? You cannot unsend a text. If I could send enough messages to bury it? But no. Because then she pays attention to all that because she's a therapist. Oh, my goodness. You guys, there are not words. I cannot even tell you how mortified we were. How mortified someone in particular was. [Cough] Emma. [Cough] Just kidding. Okay! [Laughter]
So, it was awful. It was awful. And there was nothing we could do about it. And part of what was so devastating about this was because we had just like, that day or the day before, had that profound experience of feeling the system choose her. When does that happen you guys? That never happens. That was so epic we have to pay attention to that. And it was like we just ruined it. Ruined it. And so, of course, we told our friends, we've not talking about a community yet. But we told our friends and just ugh. Like, what? What? I don't even I don't even have words. And then all weekend, nothing. It was like crickets. Like she did not respond at all. And so then it was like by the time-. So this happened, I don't know, Thursday or Friday? Wednesday? I don't know, it's all a blur. Right guys? But it was during the week, okay? That's when it happened. And then nothing on Saturday, nothing on Sunday. And by Monday morning, when we had heard nothing from her, it was like-. Okay, again, using the best frame of reference that I have, which is entirely not adequate. [Laughter] But using the reference that I have, the best that I can do, one of two things has happened. One, she is just freaked out because we're a weirdo, and so she's just not going to respond to us anymore. Because this kind of thing has happened to us, okay? So that's not, I'm not pulling this out of left field. There are plenty of times where we have been outed or outed ourselves, either willingly or accidentally, where that led to us being abandoned or betrayed, or whatever, right? And especially coming out of the last two years? It was like I don't even have the spoons to deal with this. Like, I was wanting to cuss, maybe cussing for real. I was wanting like, don't put us through this again, just don't.
So going back to being my adult self with adult resources, [mocking voice] because I am an emerging self. [Laughter] So so, I think, “Okay, so I can solve this by myself. I'm not going to let this destroy me.” Right? Because I didn't mean to step on the rug. It's like when your kids are like, “I'll sweep the bathroom for you.” And then they go to shake the rugs, but leave the rugs out on the porch in the rain. Or they don't shake the rugs but just roll them up and put them on the counter, so then your counter’s nasty and you're like, “I can't even brush my teeth ever again.” Except of course you have to brush your teeth. It's just a disaster because of the rugs. You guys, things can escalate so quickly, right? [Laughter]
So, so, because, because I'm like-. I am like a cartoon at this moment. I mean, not at this moment. At this moment in this story, it is like I am a cartoon. I have slipped on the rug that I didn't even mean to step on, because [mocking voice] I'm an adult with adult resources. This is my emerging self. And I am-. It is like in a cartoon, you know, where the legs just keep going in, like in circles, almost. But they're staying in one place, and they have that little sound effect where they're trying not to fall, but you know, they're gonna fall. That's how I felt for three days, four days. It was like that. And I was like, “okay, no. We are not going to live like this.” Because what I know from my own workbook that we are working on, from everything we have learned, I know that that just means we got dysregulated, something knocked us off balance, we are outside the window of tolerance, it feels unsafe because we don't actually have answers, the relationship feels threatened, we don't feel safe in the relationship yet anyway because it's new. Like I can talk to myself about all these things because I can mentalize out the wazoo. Like we have made so much progress [laughter] that I can do that much. But I don't want to fall, and I can't get my balance. And so to reframe it, I think, “okay, she's not responding at all. I need to do the adult thing, which is to not just ghost my therapist, but communicate to her that I want to cancel. And we have to start over doing all of the work of trying to find a new therapist.” Even though we had like, emailed 50, gotten maybe 18 replies and narrowed that down to two, and then interviewed these two, and then got her. Right? And so, okay, fine. Let's go back to our backup person. Like, how many backup therapists do you really need in life? Well, it turns out about 20, you guys. So write that number down.
So, okay. So I'm thinking, because I don't want to fall, I'm not actually going to slip on the rug, lost my balance for a minute, but I can catch myself. Because I am doing my morning exercises every day, and I am stretching and my muscles are strong. So physically and emotionally when I start to slip, I can catch myself. That's what the whole emerging self thing is about, right? So I can do this. I can intervene in my own behalf. So I try to do the right thing, which is still flight. I know that. But how much do you want from me really? Like, I'm trying here, okay. So I text her and say, “I just need to cancel my appointments. But thank you for talking to me. And my apologies for the text last week.” Something ridiculous like that. I'm not trying to be gamey. I'm not like going all personality disorder. I'm not trying to-. This is not even just an attachment issue. This is the level of my mortification. Like, we have passed shame, and moved into something beyond that that's way worse. [Laughter] I don't, I don’t even know what to say about it, how awful it felt.
And so, okay, so I tell her this, and then I start sending emails. Like, I'm gonna get kicked out of Oklahoma. (Thank God.) No, wait. Did I say that out loud? Who said that? [Laughter] I'm getting kicked out of Oklahoma just for shopping for therapists. Except I am legit shopping. Like, I just need one therapist I can stay with long term and stay put and do this work. So anyway, here we are. I send this text and I think it's done. And I get back on to Psychology Today, and look back through my emails of who replied to me, who's available? Who, who do I, who can I find that looks like they know and sounds like they know how to treat dissociative disorders, and can treat me by telehealth in my state and let me pay. But who's not actually a member of ISSTD that I have to work with every day? Because those people are my friends, colleagues or my friends, or just part of my job. I, you guys, what I need is a good ISSTD therapist and I can't have one. So I set myself up to fail on that, didn’t I? So, okay. So I do my best I find her, this has now happen, so I'm like, “okay, back to the square board, drawing, drawing board.” Is it a drawing board? Why would you draw on a board? Drawing board. Draw. What is it drawing board? Okay, I don't know. But anyway, back to the beginning of “let's find a new therapist.”
Except that's not what happens. You guys, if you are mortified, because you send the wrong text to the wrong person, what is the only thing that could make you more red face than that? Well, it's if they text you back, that's what. And the only thing worse than that is when they text you back with like, an attuned supportive response. Oh, I can't even with my life, or this woman. And we haven't even started therapy yet. I mean, barely.
So we're supposed to meet with her tomorrow morning. And I tried to cancel the appointment, but here's what she said-. Well, I'm not going to read it exactly, because privacy and all. But she said, basically, if we want to cancel, we're welcome to. Which is very different from our previous Kelly who wouldn't let us fire her. We are not allowed to quit therapy. So already, this is actually helpful that she says this. She says, like our therapist last year that helped us grieve our previous Kelly, they both said this. That “if you want to quit therapy, you can quit therapy.” Why that matters to me is because I can't actually choose therapy. If I can't choose to let go with therapy, like there has to be alternatives for it to actually be a choice. So if someone's not letting me quit therapy, I can't actually choose it either. Does that make sense? So I actually appreciate for two reasons, that she said that. One, it shows that she's respecting my agency, which actually matters to me a lot. Well, parts of me a lot. But the second reason is, I was scared, just to be honest, just being honest. I was scared that there were parts of me that responded so strongly to her because she reminded them of our previous Kelly. That was concerning to me. Because how do you know when it's like, “oh, there are the good parts we have been missing. There are the good parts we have been missing.” Or when it's like, “oh, there's the same red flag and we don't need to step on that rug again.” Right? Like, how do you tell the difference. But her saying that actually helped me because it helped show me the difference. Because it was not a red flag with her. Because she did give me a choice. So first of all, that was a small thing, but actually was hugely significant to us.
And then, and then from there, she just like laid it out on the table. “Your previous message sounded like you really had DID. And I actually treat other people with DID, and I think I can help you if you would like to stay in therapy.” Oh, man, are you kidding me?
I've already learned a lot about her. More than I knew if this hadn't happened. But I didn't mean to make this happen. I really didn't. And I really don't think it was a case where like another part or alter did it to make it happen, to like tattle on us. I really think we just accidentally sent it to the wrong person, because our friend has the same name. But I learned that she's got good enough boundaries that she's not going to just chase me down all weekend. Like she didn't reply until Monday, which is the work day and that's entirely appropriate. And I actually appreciate that. Because knowing her boundaries and her structure help me feel safe because I'm not going to get it wrong or get in trouble for being a bad client. I don't want to be a bad client. Getting labeled as a bad client feels dangerous to me, because you get punished when you're bad. I want to be a good client. But I can't be a good client if my therapist doesn't tell me what their rules are or what their boundaries are. So this gave me a lot of information about her. And now I know that she wasn't actually fazed by DID at all, and she has other people that she treats with DID, and so she has some experience, which I needed to know. I hope it's good experience, but we'll find out. And then there's the podcast.
So she knows about the podcast now. I'm kind of upset about this still. It is frustrating for a couple of reasons. One, I wasn't ready to share that much. It was not the same as when it's an intentional sharing. But it's out on the table. And for her own consent, that's probably important anyway. Like a mutual consent, right? Because we do process some therapy. But also, it was a little bit frustrating that not only did we tell her about the podcast, but we told her about this podcast. Like one of the reasons we had to start this podcast and move things over here is because our previous Kelly knew about the other podcast and there were things happening that I don't want to talk about. But because of that, for safety issues and because of other things, we couldn't just keep going on System Speak only. So we decided to start Phase Two kind of over here. System Speak 2.0, The Emerging Self. I mean, not really. And that's not what I would have named it, but I'm not in charge of that. Anyway. So in some ways, like, I'm kind of glad, because it's easier when everything is just transparent. And that's actually really important to us anyway, so it needed to happen. But what doesn't feel good is that I didn't get to be intentional about it. And so I do feel bad that I didn't say anything the first two sessions, because if I had, then that would have been more intentional.
But I think, I think, though, it goes back to one of the problems with finding a new therapist. Because how many times do you not even get a chance to explain what you're struggling with before someone shuts you down because they don't understand DID? In this case, she did understand DID and we still will find out what that means to her or not. But our friend D was right that we should just be honest to begin with. And honesty is always the best policy. Even when it's not about honesty or dishonesty, just transparency. And so I think it was a good lesson for us. But I still, I don't know what I would have done differently, exactly. And I don't know that what's happened is bad, other than I think there's just a layer of it being a trigger of it not being intentional. So I don't want it to feel like something was taken from us, and I don't want there to be that triggered feeling of being violated. Because our therapists certainly didn't do that. Like, none of this is her fault. We walked into her office. We didn't even walk into her office. We showed up on her computer screen. [Laughter[ So, so I don't know how it's gonna go. But this is what's unfolded, and we have to face the music tomorrow. And I can't tell you how mortified I am. There are not enough facepalm emojis to tell you how mortified I am about what has happened and about sending that text to her, and then trying to like bury it with more texts, and how it all just escalated. And she just quietly waited it out, like, “we'll talk to you in session.” Cause she's got good boundaries. Which I need, because it means she won't take me home. You guys, do you understand how important it is that I have found a therapist who can help DID with compassion, but also have good boundaries? Because that's what's blown it every time, and not even for me acting out. I know clients can mess up sometimes, like, on our side of things. But it wasn't my fault when I was 17 and my therapist took me home. (I don't think… No, right? No. The answer is no. It was not my fault. That's the answer, period.) So, I know that because of my work with my Jungian therapist. And I appreciate her, and I'm going to miss her, but I'm also okay. And I'm still going to check in with her on some dreams sometimes.
So I'm excited to keep sharing. I feel like this timing, there's such synchronicity, because we've got the new podcast going, therapy is about to start tomorrow, literally number two and number one, literally. And it's all new. Except we get to keep all the work we did before. And yet, it's all new. Like, I can't tell you how terrified and excited I am at the same time. It is the first time that I have felt like we were going to therapy to go work on stuff instead of going to therapy to stay alive. And I don't mean that in any kind of triggering way. I mean that just authentically. Just like that.
And, by the way, this is off topic. But did you see those research papers that came out that said if you give a trigger warning it actually makes it more triggering. So on the new podcast, we're just putting content notes so people just kind of have general knowledge of what they're getting into, just the descriptions, like we always do, but that's all. So my content note for tomorrow is we're going to face the music. We have to go talk about this. And the cats out of the bag, as they say, like all nine lives of us [laughter] for our therapists knowing about DID, but allegedly knowing how to help with DID. Because that, my friends is why we're here. Because we want to get better. And I feel like if I could be so bold to say, I feel like we're getting better at getting better. So take that world.
[Break]
Thank you for listening. Your support really helps us feel less alone while we sort through all of this and learn together. Maybe it will help you in some ways too. You can connect with us on Patreon. And join us for free in our new online community by going to our website at www.systemspeak.org. If there's anything we've learned in the last four years of this podcast, it's that connection brings healing. We look forward to connecting with you.