Transcript: Episode 281
281: Emails and a Poem
Welcome to the System Speak podcast. If you would like to support our efforts at sharing our story, fighting stigma about Dissociative Identity Disorder, and educating the community and the world about trauma, please go to our website at www.systemspeak.org, and there is a button for donations where you can offer a one time donation to support the podcast or become an ongoing subscriber. We so appreciate the support, the positive feedback, and you sharing our podcast with others. We are all learning together. Thank you.
[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
[Note: The contents of letters and emails being read in this episode are in italics.]
We have mail and emails to read. First of all, Lisa, the art boxes that you have sent have been so fun and fantastic. They come with like a new marker or a special pen or something and then a little tiny snack like a piece of candy or something. And it's been super fun, and very exciting for different ones inside to get those treats. Thank you.
We got a card from Janet. And it is an amazing homemade card with like a spinning 3d, like, I don't even know how they did this. It's so fancy and extra little circles that we have actually used for our circles and in a therapy project having to do with our fairy tale. So thank you for that. And I appreciate it. It was super helpful. And it's beautiful work really. I love it. They said in the card, I appreciate your podcast, sharing your internal experience and outer experience in the world. You are inspiring to me and I follow your process. You have amazing talents and skills. You're so successful and accomplished. You are very good at articulating yourself. I love to create art for self-expression and insight. I am enclosing some watercolor mandalas that can be filled with doodles by anybody in your home. I was diagnosed with DID in 2002. I am a facilitator for WRAP, Wellness Recovery Action Plan, and have a blog. And then she gave us her blog. Thank you all for what you do. Thank you so much, Janet. We lift up your blog. Thank you. And these mandala are super cool. We used them for several different projects. We used them to get started on our fairy tale, which I appreciated. And then also use them both in bullet journaling and with the outside kids. Thank you so much.
We want to give a shout out to Gail who donated to the podcast. Thank you so much for your support. We appreciate it very much. And it absolutely helps us store all of these big audio files and to be able to keep the podcast going. Thank you, Gail.
I also want to give a shout out to Leon and to Kelsey, both of whom have helped with transcripts. We have several transcripts out now more than 10 maybe 15. They have worked so hard and we appreciate their hard work. Good job, guys. Thank you truly, I can't tell you how much that means to us.
Alexis wrote in and said, I have just started listening to your podcast. And there are no words to describe how amazing and helpful it is. You are incredible. I am so grateful for your courage. Oh, Alexis, thank you!
Amanda says, I just want to say a huge thank you for this podcast. Your voices are so authentic and beautiful and raw. Listening has really helped me feel less alone this past year. I won't go into detail but this year I've had to confront my own CPTSD and suspected dissociative disorder that I was completely unaware of before. I have a really hard time making friends and trusting people. So having this to listen to has honestly helped me feel hopeful. I am really in awe of your bravery and resilience and kindness. I also want to give a quick shout out to Dr. E because I'm in grad school right now and I also do that thing where I'm like, my mind is blown and I don't have anything to say because I have to process this. Maybe it's a dissociative thing I don't know. But I always felt like I wasn't smart enough because I can't really quickly respond and think on my feet. It was super validating to hear that this experience is shared, especially from someone I look up to. Thank you for all the work you're doing. It's so beautiful and important sending lots of care your way. Amanda, that was so kind. Thank you so much. It is a good feeling when you hear other people who have that shared experience. Yeah, there's some kind of connection and some kind of normalizing. And Michael Coy says contextualizing and it really makes a difference. Thank you, Amanda.
I want to give a shout out to Laura who donated books to survivors, and also made a donation to the podcast through the book website. Thank you so much, Laura. We were able to ship out those books today.
Someone, I don't want to receive this person's name, but they wrote, I'm writing after listening to episode number 267, Feeling Words. I'm not sure if any one part of this system was speaking in this episode. So please consider my use of you and yours as referring to the collective. The whole episode felt like a poetry slam. So much of what you shared reflected my own big feelings and thoughts at times, and so much resonated as true and other things made me think. Therefore I had some thoughts and I hope that's okay to share them and that in sharing them they may be encouraging and helpful as that is my intention. You were speaking while sitting in the closet. You talked about looking and going into the darkness and traveling back out into the light. At one point later, near the end of the episode, you said you hope you can be a light to others who are in the dark. But throughout the episode, you did not reference yourself as a light. Friend, if you don't know it, let me tell you. If you do know it, let me remind you because we all need reminders. To be a light to others in their darkness must mean you yourself are a light in your own darkness. Even though you haven't realized it yet, or parts realize it and some don't, or you don't feel like it sometimes, you are the light going into the darkness and you are the light that comes back out into the light. You illuminate the dark and you bring luminance to what is already light. You talked about needing to contain yourself and to compartmentalize things in certain ways. I, wow! That is huge and so significant. Thank you for sharing that with us. They said you talked about needing to contain yourself and to compartmentalize things in certain ways. I'm wondering if this is perhaps to make things more constant, predictable and safe right now. That's how I interpreted but I wasn't sure if that's what you meant. If this is how you meant it, I can relate to this. I know that in getting help in therapy, I often seek containment for what seems to be a lot of stuff inadvertently opened up in my previous treatments as well as new stuff surfacing. It's kind of like I need something for myself and selves to relax within, so that I can learn to be with it instead of having to hold it all from a more outside place. That makes so much sense actually. I really appreciate you sharing that. I don't know about you. But when I think of contained things, I see images of closed boxes. Closed boxes holding unknown darkness, because, you know, they are closed. But I'm not sure a therapist can really hold all of what they do not know. However, they can help hold the pieces that you share—the ones you bring out of the darkness into the light and make known, right? And they can help you learn to hold them out there too. They can help you bring your own light and love to those pieces. And in doing that you learn to contain them by setting them free from constraints of boxes, or place them in an illuminated box. It takes a lot of courage and bravery to do this, to open up the boxes to go into them and bring light and then come back out into the light. Wherever we bring the light, the light doesn't leave. It’s kind of like that concept that once the brain has learned something, it's changed. Wow. I, my mind is blown right now. That's so powerful. Anyway, I just wanted you to know or remind you you're a light in your own darkness as well as a light to others. You're both and whatever is needed for your self-care that moves you toward continued growth, do that. Remember that courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. You're amazing and I'm so grateful for your all's presence. Oh my goodness. That was I am going to have to think about that some more. [Laughter] Thank you so much.
This person says, I don't want to say their name, but this person says, I just listened to your presentation at the ISS TD conference. I was in tears for the last 30 minutes because my own automatic reaction is shame for having DID. I chose integration and have been fully integrated for the past eight years. And then they share some more private things. And I really appreciate that and will email you back. It says, I've been yearning to find someone who understands this marginalized community. And there you were today. Namaste. Oh, my goodness, thank you for sharing your email. And thank you for writing in that was so much courage. Welcome to ISSTD.
This person said, I'm a new student member of ISSTD and this year's annual conference was my first. All of the presentations have been informative, and the community is so welcome. And then I saw your presentation and it was phenomenal. As a clinician-in-training, and newly diagnosed survivor with DID, I want to express my deepest gratitude to you and all your work. And then they shared some more private things. And I just want to say thank you so much for your courage and connecting. And I am so glad to hear about you and to hear from you and thank you for sharing with me.
Lisa says, I just listened to your conference presentation for ISSTD. You nailed it. Oh my word. It was so good and power to the plurals I hope the clinical world listens and then takes the advice given in this presentation. It's so wonderful. Thank you, Lisa. You're always there to cheer us on.
Maria says, I was diagnosed with the ID four years ago I listened to the podcast and they are the most comforting when I am having a day where we are not validated. Thank you so much. Oh, I am so glad.
Jess says, I am a college student majoring in psychology who came across the System Speak podcast within the last year. I just wanted to say you guys are beyond extraordinary and courageous for sharing your story with the world. While I do not have dissociative identity disorder, I do experience symptoms of dissociation that have affected my daily life. I have yet to visit a therapist due to maladaptive ways that stigma among some family members have affected me. But ever since I started listening to your informative and safe podcast, I have become more open and comfortable with seeking therapy. I've listened to most of you that have spoken on System Speak and I love and respect all their podcast recordings. Like many others, though, I listened to Sasha’s the most due to her outgoing personality and amazing laugh. Sasha rocks. [Laughter] That's so funny. Thank you guys so much for being a light to so many people. All of you are beautiful in every way. Keep on being awesome.
And then the other thing, guys, I don't have specific emails to share about the book, because most of the response so far has been sent to me in private messages or emails. So not through the podcast website, which means I don't really have consent to share them. But I am grateful for those of you who are sharing pictures of the book as you receive it, or feedback about the book as you read it—what you think, what you feel, what you learn, what it's like, as far as the experience of reading it—it really has helped us. It was a scary thing to send the book out into the world, and then wait for feedback to come back if it was okay or what you thought. But we are so excited that people are receiving it and finding it helpful and appreciating it. And we are so grateful for those of you who have gotten it. For those still writing in asking how you can get the book. It is on the podcast website. You can get them at systemspeak.org. Thanks guys.
Lacey says, now that I understand multiplicity and myself and a bit in others, there are some funny things I think you might appreciate. Like realizing that certain parts don't eat leftovers or certain foods. If that part hasn't been out much then that food doesn't get eaten. Oh, that's funny. While I'm mostly co-conscious, I understand time gaps so much better. Long gaps on projects or spotty time management is more of a symptom of living on different timelines. It takes a lot of effort to get all my parts acting together towards one goal. So I've always wondered why it's hard for me to be consistent. And now I understand that the amount of work it takes for me to be consistent in a linear way isn't always available. Also, now that I've embraced my parts, it's a lot easier to clear clutter. Before, when I wasn't as aware of what was happening, it was would be really hard for me to let things go because I didn't want to throw other people's things away. Now I can check in and figure out what kind of attachment there is to these objects and either replace the need with something healthier, or find space in our life for it. But overall, it's made it so much easier to let things go. It's less fuzzy. Hey, that's brilliant, actually, thank you for sharing. These are some of the aha moments I've had since listening to your podcast and definitely count as progress as you say. These small clarifications are the tip of the iceberg of understanding brewing. Thank you kindly for all that you give and share. Thank you so much Lacey for sharing with us.
Carolyn says, thank you so much for your helpful podcast. I'm learning about DID from you and other resources to help a counseling client with DID. I offered to refer her to someone with experience, but she wants to stay with me and I feel honored. She came out to me through one of her parts after she decided I could be trusted, I hope to remain worthy of her trust again. Thank you. Oh, Karen, I'm glad you have found the right places and the good places to learn to be able to help effectively and well. And thank you for staying because sometimes that means as much as anything. And remember, the therapeutic relationship is everything. Thank you so much.
And then today also, just as we wrap up emails, I have a short poem that I can read. We shared it on social media, with just the picture but, um, I wanted to read:
The truth is that last night
I dreamed heaven was Jar Jar Binks land.
Maybe because underwater is the only time my body isn't in pain,
and doesn't hurt with the echoes of what was done to me
like handprint bruises across time.
But I don't even know
when we watched Star Wars
or who did
or who was dreaming about it,
or which part was mine,
or which part was me.
But that's why I get up every day
to decide for myself who I am.
I work out before dawn
so that I can start the day in my body.
And that way I can live in my own skin all day.
It's not about being thin,
because these native curves
are all me and here to stay.
And it's not even about being fit,
just strong,
strong enough to stay alive.
I drink water so I can breathe,
because it was hard to leave that womb
when I could hear what I was getting into.
I didn't want to go there.
I know this in my bones.
But here I am on the other side.
And I am showered clean
to wash away the nightmares
of those who dream of things
worse than heaven.
And I put on lotion
so they know I tend to them.
And I see these curls
that I try to hide
so no one notices me.
I want to wear soft clothes
that teach me a gentleness
no one else did.
And I want to sit in silence
to respite from the noise of the echoes.
And I read holy books
in hope of goodness in me.
But I also liked that shirt that says
some girls go kayaking and drink too much.
Because it's me.
I'm that girl,
even if also 10 or maybe 12 years sober.
And I add chapstick only.
And I listened to music while I do,
the kind that makes me move and dance the sun awake
because it feels good safely
and reminds me I am alive another day.
And because chapstick is my favorite thing,
my only permitted addiction.
And for a moment,
a brief one,
I am clean,
and whole and ready.
And all of me.
And we eat to stay alive
and to nourish this body
in which we live.
I like something fresh first thing,
like mango maybe,
to connect us to life
and all the ways we can.
But then the sun comes up
and my hair gets blown straight
by someone I don't know how to be.
And we sit down to work
because it's what she does
to keep everyone else alive
and fed
and housed
and safe
and it exhausts me
heavily.
But I wait.
Because I know when she's done
she doesn't care to stay,
and then I will start again
that getting back into my body
with a little dance or yoga or mindful movement.
Maybe grilling some chicken
to go with V8
before we play, or nap, or draw, or paint, or write, or walk, or stretch
to keep the pain at bay.
Because our days are long when we live this way.
[Break]
Thank you for joining us for System Speak – a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. This podcast is available on any podcast player and on systemspeak.org. If you would like to know more of our story, our memoir, If Tears Were Prayers, is now available at systemspeakbooks.com. Thank you for listening.