Transcript: Episode 52
52. Five Piece, Part Two
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[Short piano piece is played, lasting about 20 seconds]
Today I speak with two of the actors from the film, Five Piece. Tory Despres is an actor, writer, producer, and director. He got into acting by participating in highschool productions of plays and musicals. After highschool, he attended the Loyola Marymount University, majoring in theatre. He studied at Playhouse West for five years and Five Piece is his feature film debut which has gone on to win Best Picture at multiple film festivals around the country.
The first short film he directed, wrote, and starred in, Loving Death, is currently making the rounds in the film festival circuit and just recently got accepted into the Playhouse West Film Festival. He feels blessed to get to do what he loves to do for a living and is excited for what the future holds.
Here’s my interview with Tory from Five Piece.
***Interview Begins***
Interviewer: Bold Font
Interviewee: Standard Font
Hi, I’m Tory Despres and I play the part of Adam in the feature film, Five Piece.
Tell me how you got involved in the Five Piece.
I started going to this acting workshop with this director and we were given a character. And we were working on this character for a couple years and Matthew, who’s the director of Five Piece, he, I guess, enjoyed my work, and he wrote a character for me in his feature film script. I didn’t really know this at the time, but when we started doing on camera one on one exercises where it’s mostly improv based, like dramatic improv, and he also rewrote the character in regards to what I brought to the specific session. And then he eventually told me about the project, and how he’d love for me to be a part of it. And I was more than excited.
And I said, “Yeah, of course.” And the journey began to make Five Piece and I play Adam in the film, and I’m a guitarist.
That’s amazing that you went from doing the workshop to developing this specific character and then getting the part.
Yeah! Yeah. I mean, Matthew and I always really clicked outside of working on the acting. But he’s a very giving person and he works in a very fun way. I mean, I use the word fun because I just love acting. But he kind of talks to your subconscious while you are on camera. And of course it’s taken out. You’re not watching a movie where you hear the director’s commentary during the movie, but you know, he talks to you. At least he did that to me, and it was so easy to just listen and create the world that I am this person in this moment. And he creates very safe environments in that way as well. So yeah, I love working with him. He’s like one of my best friends.
That’s amazing! I think that that makes a big difference though. My husband writes musicals and so I’ve seen him work with actors and everything from casting to production, and it really makes a difference when there is a different producer or a different director that’s interactive that way that leaves a positive experience kind of.
Yeah.
I mean, it makes a difference. I’ve seen people just unfold their potential - what they’re able to do. And I didn’t mean to get in this today, but I see it makes a difference, I think, when you have a...when you’re working with people that it’s a positive experience like that and not just only work or only this project. And the film, in some parts, is pretty dark to have…
Yeah, you saw...what’d you think of the film?
I don’t even have a verbal response yet. [Laughs]
[Laughs]
It’s still settling in. But you went from your debut to the Best Picture at different festivals, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It won Best Feature Film and that’s when I first saw it, was at the...I got to travel to Tennessee for the first time, and I went and saw it at the Smokey Mountain Film Festival. And it won Best Feature Film. And that was really exciting. So I got to see it for the first time there and it won the award. And I got to travel. It was a great experience, personally.
Had you heard of dissociative disorders before this film?
Yeah, I mean, just out of pure psychological and philosophical interest, if that’s a “B primary interest” of mine. Because obviously my “A interest” is acting and filmmaking, but I would say generally I found it interesting and I heard vague instances of it being called by different names, and most commercially as Multi-personality Disorder.
Right.
And so I wanted to be more familiar, because that sounded a bit...I don’t know, not...generic’s the wrong word. But it sounded non-clinical. So I was like okay well, can I look up, for one, if it’s actually real? Because I thought it was so dramatized in mainstream culture and pop-culture. And so I wanted to know if it was real and how it was real and how it actually affects people and what’s the correct terminology. So I have a vague understanding.
You hit on an important point though, because it’s a really sensitive area in the survivor community, because it is so often dramatized in such horrible ways. In that people are trying to kill people or people are trying to hurt people or get away with things because they’re not responsible for it, which is nothing to do with what’s actually going on.
Yeah, exactly. And I feel like also people’s interpretation of fiction being that of reality is a problem as well.
Yes. Yes!
I think we have a sociological, or that’s an unnecessary big word I feel like [chuckles], but I think we have a cultural or moral responsibility to kind of look into specific things in which we don’t understand. So if something is dramatized in a certain way, it is a personal responsibility, I feel, to not just assume that’s the worldview of reality. You know what I mean? I watch a movie and I just go, “Oh, okay. Well, I guess those types of people do that.” I shouldn’t just leave the theater thinking that and I think there’s a problem with pop-culture in that way. But that’s just a personal thing.
How do you think that Five Piece approached it differently than other films have?
Well, I think Matthew really took the time with Five Piece. And he had a very specific vision. And for those people who haven’t seen the ending, I’m going to leave it there. There’s a reason there’s some ambiguity in the ending. He had a specific purpose though. And what he was saying felt like was about really taking time in the moments for someone dealing with something that’s hard to explain, especially...not even hard to explain...they can’t even quantify within themselves. It’s more so how to come to terms with one’s identity. And I think he made a very personal and human story. And for people that may not understand an attempt at a truthful glimpse at what it’s like to have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I think this was a closer representation, I think, than some obvious mainstream examples that have been a little bit more commercial.
It was so powerful. I had to actually watch it in several segments, rather than all at once, because it was so intense. But not…
Oh.
But not in a negative way like some portrayals have been, but because it was so real.
Oh, I mean, I’m glad that you felt it was so relatable in that way. I mean that was the exact purpose. Matthew isn’t one to dodge the metaphorical bullets of the truth and how harsh and reality can be in that way. I really respect him for that. In that way, it makes you even more safe as an actor on set, because you know he cares about authenticity so much. And I know that sounds like that’s a bit indulgent, but it really does matter. If someone really cares about...well, let’s be honest here and will tell you what’s not working, what is, what he’s exactly going for. And it helps, and them being so straightforward about it and easy going, it really helps.
I think that translates on screen too. People can feel the difference between this is a person who’s just taking advantage of a diagnosis and the difference between you’re portraying a struggle that I’m familiar with and I appreciate seeing this reflected somewhere else on screen.
Thank you. Yeah, I’m happy to hear that it affected you as such. That’s why I do this - for people to be affected by the work I do. So, that’s good.
How did you prepare for this?
Well, you know, without giving anything away, my specific character does a very specific arc. It’s easy because a lot of it is me. How I came about it is I tried to relax as much as possible, because Matthew did originally write the part for me. So I had to understand there is a part of you in this. Like when I’m talking to myself basically, so just relax.
There’s an ex-guitarist that works for a heavy metal band that I got affiliated with, and I just kind of...since I don’t know how to play guitar, I just learned basic strings and learned how to hold it and how it would affect your behavior and such. Since that’s not a primary focus, I just wanted to add a little bit of authenticity. So that’s one aspect of it. And then I didn’t do as much research as say Robert did, who plays Brandon...
Right.
...for Dissociative Identity Disorder, because, and I’m trying to tiptoe around certain character dynamics. But because my character seems to be one of the least understanding, but more so subjectively, influenced heavily by emotional occurrences outside of himself. There’s certain situations in the film, if you’ve seen it, yeah, you know, that I’m more in my own world and in my head. And because of influences outside of me, I react a certain way that is rather very reactionary.
I just was very raw in the moment, and working with someone especially as talented as Derek, who plays my roommate in the film, or Robert, who plays Brandon. I just listen to them and basically when Robert switches Alters or Brandon switches Alters, and I say something like, “What’s wrong with you?” That’s one of my lines. In the moment, I didn’t have to like, “Oh, I have this line and I say it.” It’s naturally pinched out of me, because I see in his eyes what’s going on and I’m naturally in this character in the imaginary circumstances. And I just react accordingly.
So there’s no thought process of oh, I got this line memorized. I’ve done the work of going over these lines like they’re on the back of my hand. And once the moment happens I let it go, and I’m just kind of living there. And when I give myself that permission, I can do my best work. And I’m lucky enough to work with really good actors where I can let go and just work off them.
I think that that’s an amazing piece of the dynamic that felt so real in the movie though. And I think it’s a true principle that could be applied to lots of other areas of life, of when you are prepared and you have done the work, then part of it is really letting go and just participating, just letting it unfold.
Yeah. I mean, I personally really take that...like you said, you could apply that to a lot of parts of life. I really try to apply that with life. Like right now, I’m really listening to what you're saying exactly and trying to be very precise with what I’m saying. And it’s really important to me that listening and connecting to the person you’re currently talking to as opposed to thinking about what I have to do in an hour or what I did yesterday. I mean some of those things will sort out itself, and there are some responsibilities you have to do in the future. But primarily, there should be a focus on the moment at hand. And I think whoever you’re connecting with individually is so important to establish that bond. So yeah, I really try to practice that in my real life as much as possible. But I’m only human, you know? So..
And I see that as part of the layer of the intensity of the film too, because there’s such an intense attentiveness. Even when someone’s just sitting on the couch watching the screen or when someone’s playing this or playing that, there’s so much intensity just in presence, not just in content of what’s happening, but just in presence. I think that that rings true and is part of what felt true to survivors who have seen it, because for them it’s a different issue. I mean, they’re not performing, but there’s this hypervigilance that they live in, because of things that have happened. And so for that to be part of what was portrayed I think was really powerful.
Thank you. Yeah, I’m sure Matthew would love to hear that, because that was a very specific idea with him, was to sit with those moments, especially taking his time for instance with the psychic scene. That scene is one of the most powerful scenes to me in the movie.
Yes, I just...ugh! It gave me chills even when you just mentioned it. I was like ugh!
[Laughs] That’s awesome. I’m so glad for that. Yeah, it gave me chills too when I first watched it. I was like, “Oh dang. Man. Robert’s like killing it.”
[Laughs]
[Laughs] Because I’m able to say that as an actor, but the part of Brandon was just like...and it was so vulnerable too, truthfully. And it gives me chills too, because I’m like, “Aw man, I’m a part of this. That’s so cool.” And then like you said, obviously, in front of the television, that’s the focus on Derek as he gets home. And Matthew is a...understands a lot about the history of cinema too. So, he’s not just basing it in the content driven, story driven element of American cinema primarily, which is like stemmed by Howard Hawks and what not.
But it’s more so a lot of influence by foreign films as well. And I think his general understanding of the film adds to that complexity to those subtle moments that sticks with the intensity of a glare that holds more in it than necessarily the dialogue that precedes it. Personally, those moments where there’s just...you’re sitting there with the moment, that speaks so much to me when I’m by myself. And that’s one of the more human elements to the film, to me, personally. I’m just saying that of like, “Aw man. What are they thinking? It feels like they’re thinking this, and I feel so connected to that.”
I think that that’s what made it art though. It wasn’t just a film and it wasn’t just a movie. And it wasn’t just another story. That was art.
Well, I’m so glad you feel that way. That’s why we do it. So I’m so glad that you feel that way. I agree too. But you know, I’m obviously biased. So, thank you.
I think it was powerful for me emotionally. Again, not just because of content, but because it is difficult. Again, it is difficult to find something that accurately reflects what the experience is like. And not just the experience itself, but the tension in it and how all of these things are happening at once and you think you’re here, but really you’re here. And you think this is happening, but really this is happening. All of those tensions being held together at once and to see that portrayed externally in a way that was not violating or those stereotypical things that are just...and to see it so raw and real like that, that was really powerful. It just was. And I appreciate it.
Thank you. Yeah, I contribute a lot of that to Matthew, because it’s mostly his vision. But thank you so much. That does mean a lot. Yeah, it feels very human - the story. And though it specifies a specific disorder, I feel like a lot of qualities that are within us that are conflicting within everybody, can relate to it if they give themselves to watching it. But you know, obviously, I keep quantifying by saying I’m biased, but I really do find it to be that transformative, moving experience. I’m so glad that it affected you.
I know that you didn’t have to research or didn’t intentionally research the same way about DID before or during the film, but what did you learn about DID through the process that you didn’t know before?
Basically...and I don’t know if this is...it’s funny, because when I looked up your podcast called System Speak, and I know a lot of...I didn’t know it was called a system. And I know that is different based on individuals and some people don’t use certain words. Like they don’t use the words “alters”, they use like...it’s always...it seems very almost subjective based on linguistics.
And there’s a lot that I don’t understand still in regards to how people kind of come into being the one in control I’d say. Or not in control, that’s a bad word to even use. But there’s so much I misunderstand about it that I feel like I just don’t...I first came into really looking into it, because I was really interested in mental disorders. And then I did a bunch of research with that, and then I basically just touched on it. So I would say the main thing is kind of the linguistics, because what my basic understanding was...was the term “Multi-Personality Disorder” and how that’s kind of I would say...demonized is a strong word. But it would be demonized in commercial entertainment to an extent.
It is.
Or very saturated in such a superficial way.
It’s really oppressive. [Chuckles] It’s bad. Yeah.
Yeah, but I do bear a lot of responsibility on people’s individual viewing experiences too. For instance, if someone is dealing with a specific disorder that a piece of art is supposed to be trying to show understanding, or using in some way, how their subjective experience is in regards to that art, I feel like it is completely theirs. If they have some feeling that is either animus towards it or if they love it or if they feel a conflict, that’s great. But I feel like people that aren’t...that don’t have these specific, individual connections to art should look further into the subject in which they don’t understand. So whether that’s Dissociative Identity Disorder...like, I don’t personally have that. But if I were to watch the film and I see this and I go, “Oh, well that’s interesting.” And as a film that stands on itself, but I need to do research to understand like, “Oh, what is that? What is that in reality?” So I’m not ignorantly spouting off based off three lines of dialogue in a film that someone else made. [Chuckles]
Right.
You know what I mean?
Right.
And I feel like there’s a lot to bear on responsibility on the individual level for more people to feel more connected and understand what people with DID go through. I feel like they should bear that responsibility. Or they should state their knowing ignorance on the subject, and that’s okay. And then we’re all trying to figure life out. So it’s okay to not know something and to ask questions. And I think that’s important and sometimes missing in our civil discourse.
I agree. And I think...I have children with special needs, and they have a variety of issues and I see that with them too. But the thing that’s different about DID is that it’s a trauma-based disorder and so these are people who have already survived a lot. And so it’s very re-traumatizing when that happens with commercial media or inappropriate applications of what people are already misunderstanding and just making stigma worse or teaching false conclusions, as opposed to expressing something through art.
Yeah.
And so I appreciate when and think it needs to be recognized when someone does that well, even if it doesn’t answer all those questions about how do those things work.
That’s something too...so it is purely trauma-based?
Oh, are you asking me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. It’s just because I know you know a lot about the subject, so I’m just asking generally.
No, it’s fine. There is...as a diagnosis, it is trauma-based. There are some people who are plural, who consider themselves not to be traumatized. But part of dissociation is that you don’t know all that has happened or you don’t remember all that has happened or maybe they don’t have access to that. So sometimes there’s this overlap on the continuum of not being aware of how bad things are or how you handled that, but ultimately as a diagnosis for Dissociative Identity Disorder, trauma is a piece of that, yes.
Hmm. Yeah, that’s interesting, especially since that’s at such a young age, I’m sure it’s hard to access that on the individual level since memory is such a problem with DID, that I’ve read on. So, I don’t know if that’s necessarily true. But I’ve heard that memory can be a problem.
It’s just separated. So there’s another Part that remembers it very well, and then this Part has zero access to it or partial access to it or different Parts have different access to different experiences. And then as you grow up and you get older, those Parts become more developed. And so there becomes a greater separation between them. But for children, there’s more access still because it’s all more recent. But if they don’t get help while they’re young then yes, that gets exponential as they get older.
Oh, wow. That’s interesting. Sorry. I was just taking that in.
No, it’s okay. That’s fine. It’s a good question. Were there any other questions that you had left over or specific? You don’t have to talk about that. I know you’re here to talk about the film, but if there are questions the film has brought up for you, they’re probably similar questions other people are going to have. So to talk about it now is fair.
Definitely. Yeah. So in regards to...you know, I want people to see the movie, so I don’t want to spoil the scene too much. But like you said, that scene with the psychic was so moving to you and I can kind of imagine why, but I don’t want to assume that. But in regards to...because like we’ve addressed in commercial mainstream, it’s kind of dramatized in the switching of Alters, but the process in which...and sorry if my linguistics...my rhetoric is just not correct, by the way. But the process in which one Part comes out is still a mystery to me. And I know it’s because of my subjective experience of being somewhat just not experienced.
Yeah, I would like a little bit of an understanding of how that comes to. And I see that it’s a slower, gradual process. So what I imagine what affected and what came across in the film, maybe that was truthful, was that it wasn’t such a painful, close your eyes, instinctual change, which is dramatized a lot. But it’s more so just kind of gradually happens if that makes sense.
Sure! You mean the switching specifically?
Yeah, yeah. The switching process...like how do you view it as you’re there? You know what I mean? And if you’re coming out of it? I wish my phraseology was more specific.
No, that’s a really good question. You’re making my brain hurt in a good way.
Oh, okay. Good, good.
No, it’s a good question. It’s a hard question only because first of all, it’s different for everyone and not just different for different systems, but I think it’s a little bit different internally as well. So for example, I am very driven, me specifically, I’m very driven for what I’m committed to or required to do. So for example, if that’s getting up early in the morning for work, then I just know that I wake up early and I get to work. I work from home, but I get on my computer and I do my work and I’m very focused on that and very present with that.
But when the children start to wake up and move around in the morning, it gets harder and harder for me to focus. And if I don’t finish my work on time, then I am aware that I start to feel further and further away. And I don't know how to explain it, because it’s not necessarily a proximity thing, like I’m not floating out somewhere. It’s about awareness and I’m just sort of losing presence where I am. And then I just don’t remember after that. Then the next time I’m up, I’m waking up for the next morning for the next thing. I don’t want to know what happens with everything else, because it’s too much for me. I need to do just this. And so my awareness is very boxed in with that.
There are others who have more triggers that may, for lack of better word, get triggered to...like an external thing...so the one who is the mom is going to be the one who’s being triggered when she’s hearing the kids or when the body is hearing the kids and responding to that. Because obviously keeping our kids safe and well and healthy and happy is very important to us. And so she’s going to be pulled out the same way I’m feeling pushed way. But what that is like for her, I don’t know.
And then there’s other times where there could be something specific that’s triggering a trauma that could very quickly bring out, I don’t know, someone younger or little or something related to that thing, but I don’t know what that’s like for them at all. So you’ve asked a really good question that’s made me very curious. I have never seen...I mean, I know there’s different videos online and things, but I’ve not seen DID from the outside, other than a few people I have met and in that context, it was not about switching. And so I’ve not seen that and I don’t know for myself what it looks like or what that looks like on the body from the outside. I know that my husband can tell. And I know that the therapist can tell. But what that looks like, I don’t know how to explain it.
Yeah, yeah. Well no, you did a good job detailing to me internalizing it. Because that’s what I was more interested in. To be honest, when I see it from the outside, there’s a slight disconnect from my subjective experience. But hearing it from how your description is, and thank you for that, for how you are internalizing, kind of coming away from something, because say for example, like you said, the mother hears children’s voices. There’s an instinctual factor to kind of come to.
Right. Right.
Then that’s really interesting. A visual representation for me is a little distant in understanding that, but I can conceptually understand the emotional relevance of what you’re saying, if that makes sense. So it’s not like when you said that, I’m like, “Oh. I totally get it now within me and I can channel that.” It’s like no, I don’t at all. But I can hear what you’re saying. It’s very interesting to think about. Yeah. I find human behavior interesting in general…
Right! [chuckles]
...but when there’s certain parts of the psyche that are just so far out of my depth of subjective understanding, I find it very interesting. And I try to...especially if I were to play a part like Brandon, that’s why I admire Robert so much, because he did so much work beforehand and you can tell when you’re acting with him. It’s a very interesting subject.
I know that we’ve talked about it with The Husband, because of just trying to understand. And I, personally, I don’t know how else to express it, but I personally was not happy with the diagnosis, did not believe it initially, and was not aware of how much time I was losing, and also felt a lot of shame about the stigma, because of things like the media and how things are portrayed and that it just feels crazy. Because how is this possible? And all the false memory people in that movement - they really did a lot of harm to survivors and hings like that that really confuse me. And I had to work through those layers and so talking to him about trying to just normalize that in order to accept it and be able to move forward in therapy.
He would explain it as he remembers a time when he was young and some kids were mean to him on the playground or something and for him, that was very traumatic in second grade. And when he thinks about it today, it still makes him very sad and it still makes him very anxious, because it was so traumatic. But he also remembers that he is an adult and a grownup and that that is over - that it’s in the past.
Mmm.
And so for us, we can’t hold both at the same time. That memory is happening right now or it’s now time, but I don’t remember what that memory was. I’m not even aware of it. I don’t…
Oh wow.
I’m not able to hold both at the same time.
And if that’s the case, that makes a lot of sense. But it just seems like it compartmentalizes in your brain into these Parts. Trauma at such a young age just affects people so much. Yeah. That’s so interesting. It makes my mind wonder in trying to be like, “Oh, so does that mean this? Does that mean this?”
Right.
But it’s interesting just to hear.
It’s a lot and I think that that’s one reason that...or another reason that it’s powerful to see something like Five Piece, because there’s so many examples of it being misportrayed and so many examples of it not done well and so many examples of that was just mean or why did you just make money off of us doing this bad thing. You know? And so to see it real and raw and presented well in a form of art is a way of...that expression too and that recognition of okay, I know that this is just a piece of art, but art is reflecting something that’s real and now I feel a little more real. And I feel a little less alone, even though this was some crazy stuff that I just saw.
That’s awesome to hear. One of the main reasons I act is because I personally want to feel a little less alone and I also want everyone else also to feel a little less alone. So if there’s a way that I could be a part of a project in which it does that, I mean that sounds amazing. I’m so glad that helped in some way, through art, to give that cathartic experience in some way.
It was powerful and I am grateful. And I know that I have said that, but I want to be clear, because it’s done so badly and we are working so hard to fight against that and it’s just happened again with another movie.
Mmhmm.
And it’s just wrong. That’s not just, “I don’t like your movie.” It’s that you’re wrong, like you have become an abuser [chuckles] kind of thing. That’s how strong it feels and so to see a different experience and it’s hard to talk about the movie. Like you said, to even explain why I’m so grateful, because like you said, I felt like every scene is a spoiler, so I almost don’t even want to reference anything. [Laughs]
Oh, you talking about Five Piece?
Yeah. Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well even me saying the name of a scene is like, ugh.
Right. Right. And so it is hard to reference the movie when you said we could do the podcast or we talked about the podcast. I was excited and then I saw the film and I was like, “I don’t know how to talk about this.”
[Laughs]
Because every single thing is going to give away something else, but to see...but that’s what my life is like every day. If I can catch this clue or catch this clue or put this together or realize that this is what’s happening, then I’m a little more present. And even if that was not entirely me, except that it is, but it’s not, but it is [chuckles]...
[Laughs]
… then at least I’m more aware of what’s going on, which makes it less frightening. It makes it less crazy feeling, because I can at least track a day or I can at least know how to get help or how to figure out what’s going on or what I’m supposed to be doing or what the children need or whatever. And that’s reflective of the whole therapeutic process, even though the movie was about this.
That’s really good. I mean, with you saying that you deal with that every day, I think that’s why Matthew found a deep interest in...wait. Let me think if this will spoil anything real quick. [Laughs]
Right. [Laughs]
That’s why he did this in the 24 hours leading up to it.
Mmhmm.
That’s why this movie takes place within a day, basically. I mean, I’m sure there are other reasons why. I’m sure he liked it stylistically as well and like multiple other reasons, but I found that to be very visceral of an experience to understand this happens in 24 hours. Just imagine the day before or the day after. If you call this film Wednesday, and then the sequel is called Thursday. Do you know what I’m saying?
That’s exactly it. Exactly. Exactly.
So in that way, yeah, I very much understand what you’re saying.
Well, and that actually is a thing. People say to me, who don’t know that we have DID, people say to me all the time, I don’t know how you get so much done in a day. I don’t know how you handle all this with your kids…
Yeah.
...and this and this. And it’s like, well we have this many people helping. Except there’s still only that many hours in a day. And so, how to explain the experience of that, I don’t know. But that movie [chuckles] which I am now going to refer to as Wednesday. No.
[Laughs]
To see that in Five Piece of this is what’s happened and that's, I mean, as you said, a visceral experience of I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer your question of how I do all of this in a day, because I don’t. I do this part.
Yeah. That is really interesting, because just when as individuals, we just have such a hard time just getting the bare minimum accomplished. You know? A lot of people, it’s hard to get out of bed sometimes, because they’re just ...and so when you’re dealing with these different Parts and maybe the word dealing as a verb is the wrong one in this sense, but you know, when you’re having to experience it through this, I know you don’t know any other experience. So, it’s kind of like you just do it. But yeah, from an outside perspective, it’s like, man the responsibility that you have to bear, it’s a noble one. It’s like oh, cool.
Well and then there’s the practical level too of just the negotiation of, “I’m sorry that this is what you want to do, but this is what I want to do, and right now this is what we have to do.” And trying to negotiate that and work out who’s going to do what and why someone doesn’t get to do something when someone else...you know? Like all of those layers...it was very real.
Aw, that’s really nice to hear. So the negotiation process, does that get, sorry if this is a more personal...does that get easier over time or is it just an ongoing understanding of how different Parts work?
I think that it is always hard, always difficult, but it gets easier with therapy and with practice. Just the same as working with a team of anything with anything in any context.
Yeah, because collaboration creates a lot of the best work. So sometimes, I mean maybe that’s an asset. I don’t know. It’s just interesting to think about.
Right. And it shows up, I mean, those differences show up. We have a Part that plays cello. I have no idea how to play cello. We have a different Part that can play piano. I have no idea how to play piano. There’s a different part that can do this and a different part that can do that and all of those things, but I don’t have access to all of it at once. And I don’t have access to most of it most of the time.
Mm. That’s really interesting. Is it mostly accidental when...like say the Part that plays piano and has a recital or something for some particular reason, is there a way when it comes down to that recital that you can negotiate to be like, “Oh okay. That Part can take control now ``I guess. Do you know what I’m saying?
Some systems have someone who’s specifically in charge of that. Some systems have to work that out.
Okay.
I don’t know about us so much as we just know what needs to be done. And I think we are still early enough in therapy that it’s more about where the most pressure is, either internally or externally, as to what’s triggering that to make it happen.
Mm. Okay.
So we are still in a place that we don’t always necessarily have control over the body.
Yeah.
Some people, even for therapy, some people can set up this rotation of different Parts go to therapy at different times so that everyone gets a turn. We are not that far yet. We can’t. I don’t know how to get that functional. We’re not there yet.
Oh, okay. But it’s like the same thing? Is that what the therapist kind of says or how you understand it, is it the same thing kind of through experience and through constant negotiating that you find a way to potentially get to that point?
We learn. Right. And so it comes through communication, which there’s a variety of ways we learn how to do that - like through writing, through talking, and through even an app we use. And cooperation and collaboration, like you said, all of those, and just having compassion for each other as individuals and respecting that. So that there’s less tension and we’re working together more than fighting against each other or trying to evade. We can’t learn how to stay present and tolerate the hard things, if we can’t even stay present and tolerate each other.
Mm. Yeah, that’s a good point. Yeah.
Anything else that you wanted to say about your experience or about DID or about Five Piece?
I’m just really glad that people are starting to see it. I’m seeing that people are very affected by it, especially those that seem to have a specific experience that can relate to the film. It makes me happy to be a part of it.
Yeah, in regards to approaching a part like that is just...yeah, I think to answer more specifically to a prior question. It’s just more so like, “Oh, it's’ called DID. It’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder.” And finding that out specifically, but once I was given this part that seems to be less...ugh, I really try not to spoil the movie...that isn’t experiencing that is probably the best way to say it. A character that isn’t experiencing that, you know, I had to pursue it like I was not knowing and didn’t look up basically anything, because that’s the filmmakers job. It’s me trusting Matthew that he’s telling this story and it’s mostly Brandon’s story. And I have to serve that story. So I have to do my job and do a balancing act of not making it so much about me, but also not being so cavalier with the performance as well.
Yeah, it was a really great experience. It was my feature film debut. I loved working on it and I hope to do this for the rest of my life. It’s a great experience, and I hope I get to work with Matthew multiple times in the future.
Thank you so much for joining us!
Okay, cool. Yeah. Thank you so much for being as straightforward and answering some of my ridiculous questions. It really means a lot to me.
I loved the questions. It was good, because it’s still educating and it’s still is helping each other and you helped me understand some things that have been difficult for me through the film. I understood them differently and answering for you, it’s a very mutual experience. Thank you.
Yeah. You’re welcome. Thank you.
[Break]
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